Update - Boss (MM) Probs

[SixthSt.Girl]

This is an update of a previous thread of mine, Boss (MM) Probs. It is "no longer accepting replies," but you can find it in my posting history - I think it's on page 9. Anyway, I didn't do anything with this boss. I ended up leaving, but I hated the new job, and I came back. I was only back for a couple of months and we saw less and less of each other because his other business was picking up. When we did see each other, he continued to hint around occasionally with sexual innuendos. I decided to go back to school in another city, for a post-graduate certificate program. I left and didn't look back. I thought that I'd gotten this man out of my system. I had planned on staying in the city after graduation - I was interning there and had some good job possibilities. A strange twist of fate happened. My apartment got robbed right before graduation, and I fled the area to move back in with my parents while the apartment was repaired and until I could decide what to do. It showed me that the city life was not for me - I didn't feel safe any more, and I didn't return. The problem is that there aren't jobs in my chosen field here at all - hell, there aren't ANY jobs. It's a really small, somewhat isolated communtity.

 

I've been struggling for the past month to find work. I called this boss because I felt that it may be helpful to call past employers and let them know what was going on. He said that the store was going out of business, and that I should come and help at the liquidation sale in October. He said he'd call me - I'm not sure when exactly the sale is. I was hoping to find something else by now - I'm starting to get some good leads. Being here has really brought my feelings for this man back. He was always there for me before. He gave me my first job after college - even though it wasn't the greatest job, and I wasn't very good at it, he encouraged me. I'm so afraid that if I see him again, my feelings will all start flooding back. It's foolish to dwell on this - they may not even need me for the sale at all. I just saw they're starting to run ads in the paper, but it's never been that profitable of a store, and in a bad location. But, I regret not being honest with him before. I kind of felt like he was waiting on me to say something or do something. I know we both felt this connection, and we've always been honest with each other about everything, except this. I couldn't - I shied away, and then he stopped spending as much time around me. I felt like when I left that this wasn't the last of this, even though I planned on making a life somewhere else. Being up there has really changed me - I've seen so much stuff I'd never been exposed to before, and it taught me I have to fight for what I want and look out for myself. Maybe things will work out so that I don't see him at all, but if they don't... I've never felt this way about anyone before. Just talking to him brought back so many emotions. I thought I was older and wiser, but now I just feel weak and lost. My life's direction changed in one night, and I can't get back on track - not in my career, not in anything. I don't know why I'm posting this here. Maybe someone will understand how I feel. I don't know if I somehow find the right time to tell him, how he will react. But, I feel like I don't want to throw away another chance. I love him, and I may never find anyone else that I feel this way about. I'm not looking to be judged or told the bad consquences because trust me, I know. I want to hear from OW's - do you think that from what I've told you, that he would want the same thing that I do? Is this something I will really regret, or will I regret not saying anything more? Was it worth it to you? Did you make the first move? Would you have made a move if he had not?

[whichwayisup]

Bottom line still is, he's married and isn't going to leave his wife. I hate to sound like a broken record...

 

If you tell him how you feel, be prepared for anything and everything. You're going to get hurt (you know this!!!!!) and the good feelings he may bring out in you isn't going to be worth the long term pain you'll feel along this chosen path...Don't. Just don't.

 

I know you can't see or believe this now, but you WILL feel so strongly one day for someone else. The only way to make that happen is to let the MMBoss out of your heart.

[SixthSt.Girl]

Bottom line still is, he's married and isn't going to leave his wife. I hate to sound like a broken record...

 

If you tell him how you feel, be prepared for anything and everything. You're going to get hurt (you know this!!!!!) and the good feelings he may bring out in you isn't going to be worth the long term pain you'll feel along this chosen path...Don't. Just don't.

 

I know you can't see or believe this now, but you WILL feel so strongly one day for someone else. The only way to make that happen is to let the MMBoss out of your heart.

 

That sounds so simple, and I wish it was that easy. I got over him pretty easily before, but I had more going on and I wasn't in this town that is full of reminders of him. I had a dream of him and I shortly before I left town, and it's one of those dreams that are so vivid - I just thought it would come true. For example, I had a vivid dream of looking around my apartment frantically, but I didn't know what I was looking for - that was a few days before my apartment was broken into. When I came back "home," I had the same dream of him and I. I hadn't even been thinking about him, but that's what led me to think of him again. I feel for some reason, I was led back here, and that it has something to do with him.

 

I thought about telling him that I already have a job. It's not far from the truth because I think I will have one soon. I could tell him that I don't want the awkwardness of the situation, and I know he'd know what I was talking about. It would be weird with all the people around to face him again if they call me to work, and I doubt I would have the guts to spill all of this to him to his face (even if we would be alone at some point). It would be easier to text message him - is that lame? I could tell him briefly what I've been feeling and then leave it up to him.

 

It is true that when I called him, I was thinking along the lines of jobs that he may have heard about (he has connections around town), NOT a job at his store. I was worried about finding work, though I also wanted to talk to him again, I admit. I don't know what I'd even do if he wanted to pursue something. I don't know where we'd meet, a hotel?? I'm not the type to get into this - I went to Sunday school every day, and consider myself to be a good person. I'm going to think about it a little longer - maybe tomorrow I will feel differently...

[whichwayisup]

Yup, take more time to consider this. Not only will you be hurting yourself, you'll be taking part in a situation where you'll be helping him inflict PAIN on his wife. I don't think you want to be part of an affair which could hurt innocent people.

 

I don't believe you can be "just" friends with this man, because of how you feel. You'll never open your heart up to another man, or be willing to let yourself "go" because you'll be too attached to him....

 

Time heals ALL wounds, so if you can detach yourself, keep busier and just focus on other things in life (MAKE yourself do that) then letting him go will be easier on you.

[Seen_It_All]

I love him, and I may never find anyone else that I feel this way about.

 

With all due respect, I'm thinking you're fairly young if you've just completed college.

 

You have your entire life ahead of you, yet you already fear you may never feel this way about anyone again? While that's a sweet sentiment, it's hardly a fair statement to make at such a young age. You have yet to really live and experience real love.

 

Real love is not hiding out in a room at some Motel 6 or a hurried and whispered telephone conversation with this guy while his wife is bathing his kids. That might be EXCITEMENT, and it might be THRILLING because of the 'secret' aspect of things, but it's hardly love. You seem to have an infactuation with this guy and a fondness for him, but it certainly isn't love.

 

Love is built on a solid foundation of friendship, mutual trust, RESPECT, intimacy and eventually a history of goals, hopes and dreams together. Except for him being married and looking for a little excitement on the side, he hasn't offered you ANY of those things - nor have you shared any of these things with him. I think you may be confusing a crush with love. The only thing you'd end up getting with him is a sneaky, unfulfilling part-time so-called 'relationship' which would be built on lies and deceit. And if his wife ever found out about it, you can bet your college degree that he'd throw you to the curb so fast your head would spin.

 

You have NOTHING to gain.

 

At all.

 

Life is filled with temptation. It doesn't mean you have to jump on every opportunity that comes your way. Take some time and look at the BIG picture, not the immediate one.

 

Trust me, when you find someone DESERVING of your love, you're going to laugh at how you thought you 'loved' this guy.

[SixthSt.Girl]

With all due respect, I'm thinking you're fairly young if you've just completed college.

 

You have your entire life ahead of you, yet you already fear you may never feel this way about anyone again? While that's a sweet sentiment, it's hardly a fair statement to make at such a young age. You have yet to really live and experience real love.

 

Real love is not hiding out in a room at some Motel 6 or a hurried and whispered telephone conversation with this guy while his wife is bathing his kids. That might be EXCITEMENT, and it might be THRILLING because of the 'secret' aspect of things, but it's hardly love. You seem to have an infactuation with this guy and a fondness for him, but it certainly isn't love.

 

Love is built on a solid foundation of friendship, mutual trust, RESPECT, intimacy and eventually a history of goals, hopes and dreams together. Except for him being married and looking for a little excitement on the side, he hasn't offered you ANY of those things - nor have you shared any of these things with him. I think you may be confusing a crush with love. The only thing you'd end up getting with him is a sneaky, unfulfilling part-time so-called 'relationship' which would be built on lies and deceit. And if his wife ever found out about it, you can bet your college degree that he'd throw you to the curb so fast your head would spin.

 

You have NOTHING to gain.

 

At all.

 

Life is filled with temptation. It doesn't mean you have to jump on every opportunity that comes your way. Take some time and look at the BIG picture, not the immediate one.

 

Trust me, when you find someone DESERVING of your love, you're going to laugh at how you thought you 'loved' this guy.

 

 

With all due respect, you're not close enough to me or the situation to make the kind of statements you have made. I'm 25 years old and have been in several relationships - many women my age are married with children. I know what love is. I don't have childhood crushes or infatuations. I'm also not naive enough to buy into the falsehoods you're spouting about marriage. I've known more than one man that left his WIFE for the other woman. It happens all the time. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce - second marriages have an even higher rate. I'm not saying I expect that would happen in this scenario. I don't expect a relationship, or know if I want one. Just because I love him doesn't mean I want to live happily ever after with him. I want to be with him in the physical sense, and I know that he does too (or did) - he started it.

 

I will decide for myself what I'll do (I haven't yet), and if I tell him, it will be up to him to decide what he then wants to do. I didn't come here to be told the same old routine - you're wasting your time with that. It's just... I don't know what to say. "I appreciate you helping me out with the job search - BTW, do you want to sleep together?" I'm usually pretty good with words, but even texting or emailing something of this nature... can't find the words. But, he will probably inevitably call, or we will run into each other somewhere. I want to cut through the awkwardness and tension and be out with it finally. I've never been one to beat around the bush or try to cover up my feelings. I also wanted to add that my biggest fear is that he'll reject me/say he doesn't feel the same. I knew him well, but time has passed. It's tough because I've never been in this scenario and don't know how to proceed. That's why I'm here. I know every situation is different, but I'm totally in the dark - have always taken the passive route.

[SixthSt.Girl]

I've done some thinking and some soul-searching. I decided that I want to tell MM boss how I feel. How and when, I don't know. Anymore comments from the peanut gallery? Wish me luck.

[whichwayisup]

What are you expecting back when you tell him? Just remember, be prepared for ANY reaction. He could tell you to go away, or he could ask you to have an affair with him.

 

Think ahead, don't think short term happiness. You know the pain involved about having an affair.

[SixthSt.Girl]

What are you expecting back when you tell him?

 

I don't know!! You see, I thought for awhile that he didn't want to pursue things because he behaved flirtaciously, but didn't make a move. But, I think that it had to do w/the work environment. He tried to get me a waitressing job at this bar that he spends a lot of time at (he's on the board there). I had been looking for an extra job to make more $, but the store manager and I both thought he had a hidden agenda behind the offer. I wasn't that interested, but I interviewed anyway because he wanted me to check it out. I decided then that I wanted to do it, to spend more time with him if anything else. I ended up not even hearing back from the job, and shortly after gave up on the whole thing and started looking at better jobs outside of the area. That's when we stopped working together as much since his other business was picking up, and I ended up leaving soon after.

 

What I know is that he is a pretty weak person. He doesn't come across that way because he's headstrong and serious, but he often listens to others too much and follows their lead. He's not very smart - I don't say that as an insult - he's just a very simple, country-type person. But, he's also hard to read sometimes and makes unexpected decisions. This has me nervous to say anything, because despite his being attracted to me, I don't know what he would've said if I'd brought it up before. Sigh, I've been getting ready to do it several times, but I lose my cool.

 

Also, wanted to add that I don't expect that he'll tell me to get lost or anything - he's not like that. I do fear rejection, which is why I wish I could just let it go. I don't know why I feel so compelled to act - I try to just erase him from my mind like before, but I can't.