Raylene Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I keep reading posts about how affairs are symptoms of needs not being met in the marriage and how the BS spouse needs to work on the problems that led to the affair, blah blah. That IS the case sometimes, but not always. Years ago I worked with this guy named Michael. We had both been divorced a year or so and started hanging together (platonic). We discussed problems etc. I knew he had cheated on his wife and she finally divorced him after 10 years, which devestated him. He swore if he ever married again he would NEVER cheat cause he now knew it destroyed his marriage. One night after he had 2-3 beers (always got very chatty when drinking) he brought t up the cheating and I asked him WHY he cheated. He told me he hung with a cousin who cheated. His wife P went out of town for a weekend (had been married only 6 months) and he and cousin went out barhopping. He started flirting, picke dup his first one night stand. After that he cheated the entire 10 years with ONS and affairs lasting a few months in duration. He said he cheated because he got a thrill out of the sneaking around and lying and not getting caught. Said his marriage was great, the sex with her was great. At some point she started getting suspicious, but said he would use sarcasm to keep her in line, saying stuff like: "yeah baby I'm lining 'em up like parking meters." Said stuff like that would always shut her up. Said he used every excuse in the book to justify his cheating making it her fault. Things like "I got off work at 3 and she didn't get off till 6" "she burnt the toast" "she got the flu" just anything really. She apparently tried all sorts of things to keep the marriage on track, then finally asked for a separation. During the separation friends told her what he had been up to, so she divorced him. He said: "If they'd kept their damn mouths shut we would still be married." I said: "Gawd you were a jerk". He said: "I know it." But anyway, based on that conversation, seems he knew all those years she was not fulfilled and suspected something was wrong, but just didn't give a damn as long as HE got what he wanted. Oh yeah, he also said he usually chose women with boyfriends or who were also married to cheat with. He said it was easier to feed them bull**** (about probkems in the marriage, give them flattery etc..) He said there were just so many willing women out there who got off on being with a married man. One even told him she knew he was with her because he WANTED to be, not like her husband who had to be cause he was married to her. My point here is sometimes it is NOT that the wife is not giving it her all--sometimes the cheating spouse is just a jerk who cheats and would cheat if he was married 15 times. Followup to Michael's story. He remarried. Last I heard he just got another divorce cause his wife caught him CHEATING.
Guest Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 sounds typical..cheating is a selfish act-no justifications for it. Even if someone's marriage is bad,then they should leave,not compound the misery with lies and sneaking around.
SueBee3490 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Raylene, I've also read all the comments, etc. about a person only has an affair because something is missing from the marriage, or in my case relationship. I used to sit and blame myself and rack my brain trying to figure out what I wasn't giving him that "made" him cheat on me. Just a little background, my bf cheated on me the 2 1/2 yrs we dated then I married him not knowing he cheated all that time now I'm looking at divorce. But after 4 counselors and some soul searching, I think the problem is with HIM. We were fine in our relationship at least I thought so and he never said different. We were long distance but when together, we got along very well, mentally, sexually, etc. He said he was lucky to have me as I often told him. We even took all five kids on a 1,000 mile week long vacation during one summer. I "thought" he loved me and everything was good. I guess i really questioned his mental state when I found out that he cheated on me while we were engaged. I knew that anyone with a heart or mind would at least get out of the engagement before cheating. Of course we weren't married, we didn't have children together, etc. so he easily could have walked and never looked back but he didn't. But the fact that he continually cheated and could have just dropped me and kept going out with them really makes me wonder about his mind. I knew that I did everything for him and he basically used me like a doormat. What makes me angry is that he was nice and affectionate to me while all the time using me. If he had been nasty, I would have left him. He used to get mad at me for going to football games with my kids at their school on Friday nights while he was actually meeting women/taking them to dinner/taking them to a hotel room. How's that for being crazy? So now I think it's all him - I know I did the best I could and I loved him with all my heart.
luvstarved Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Well, I think that the theory that cheating occurs due to unmet needs is still true. Apparently some bastards need to be sneaky liars in order to be happy. Kinda hard for someone to fulfill THAT need!
jmargel Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Sounds like this guy has emotional/mental problems that no woman would be able to fix. The only person to help him would be a psychologist. In the end though when he's in later years and no woman wants him he'll truly get to experience what being alone is all about.
PoshPrincess Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I worked with a guy years ago who was then in his early 50s. He had cheated throughout his first marriage which broke up when he got caught. He was in his 30s at the time and having an affair with a 16 year old. Her Dad found out and left a message on his home a/phone - which his wife got to first! He then had a relationship with a woman for years who he eventually married (still cheating the whole time). When I asked him if he ever regretted his cheating he told me, "I only regret cheating on my first wife - because she found out!" I guess it's just in some people and they are beyond help! He is now in his 60s, still married and still cheating. I am sure his W must know, but probably turns a blind eye, although she worked away a lot so maybe played him at his own game. He never seemed to make too much effort to hide the As. Can only think that he got a thrill out of all the risk-taking!
BUTAFLY Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 He used to get mad at me for going to football games with my kids at their school on Friday nights while he was actually meeting women/taking them to dinner/taking them to a hotel room. How's that for being crazy? So now I think it's all him - I know I did the best I could and I loved him with all my heart SueBee, When you say "I wonder about his mind" I know exactly what you mean. Brian the my xbf (I use that term loosely) was the same way. This guy pursued me for months at work we eventually started dating. before we talked about being exlusive w/ oneanother I went on one date with another gentlemen. I told Brian about the date I had that night, and he went off the handle. After my date my cell read 5 missed calls, all from Brian. The next day he told me he wanted an exclusive relationship. What bugs me is he was ENGAGED the whole time, Planning a wedding, holding engagement parties, shopping for his registry. HE is SICK and DEMENTED! I liken him to scott peterson the way he had two seperate lives two seperate personalities and everyone still thinks he is a great guy they have no clue who he really is.
SueBee3490 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 SueBee, What bugs me is he was ENGAGED the whole time, Planning a wedding, holding engagement parties, shopping for his registry. HE is SICK and DEMENTED! I liken him to scott peterson the way he had two seperate lives two seperate personalities and everyone still thinks he is a great guy they have no clue who he really is. Buta, I know what you mean! How's this for being "sick". Our relationship was long distance as I said before but we decided when we married that he would move to my home state as he was an over-the-road trucker and could basically get a job anywhere (I know a great job to have when you're a cheater huh!) Well we would talk every single night at 8:30. Now when I found out about his cheating with a woman 3 weeks before we got married, I wondered how he got away with being with her and still keeping up the 8:30 pm nightly talk with me. So I questioned her and she said that they had dinner and then went to a hotel. He claimed that his daughter was sick at home and needed to go call her to see how she was doing. Well, in reality, he was calling me for our nightly talk. Of course we would have said all our lovey-dovey things to each other and would have ended the call with "I love you". I think about that now and how used I felt (hell he even used his daughter!). At this point, I wish I had never met the guy. That's said I know, but I really didn't "know" the man I was dating. He kept that sick side of himself hidden very well.
BUTAFLY Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Suebee, He kept that sick side of himself hidden very well. How did you find the OW? That is sick...they will use anyone and anything to keep this demented game going. I really think its a thrill to see what they can get away with(not his first A) This time he slipped up and Effed with the wrong women. Get this. My ex told me he need to go shopping for dress shoes. He had this big convention to attend. So we went shopping together. Turns out it was shoes to go with his suit for is wedding. I mean WTF!! how does any descent human-being do this, can we say PYCHO!. Lets not even get into the weekends we spent apartment hunting together for the both of us to move into. When I found out about the wedding I was so angry with myself and then I realized he is the sick F@CK and she is in denile (I told her via letter) she married him anyway.
happymom Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I think cheating can be a sickness.. My H has cheated on me and on previous wives'> I should have ran fast, but didn't. I really hate myself for that. He's into porn,(see my thread under "coping"). I think he has an impulse control disorder. It involves sneakiness..lying, and getting a thrill from it, much like an addiction. You need more and more to get that "high"..
PWSX3 Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 He said he cheated because he got a thrill out of the sneaking around and lying and not getting caught. I have a friend that used to go to the strip club just down the street from were we worked and he knew if his girlfriend found out she would cut his (you know what) off. They ended up breaking up and he stopped going to the strip club and I asked why he didn't go anymore and he said; it's just not the same anymore knowing I can do it and not get into trouble for it.
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