what2donow Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Hi everyone. This is my first post about me, but I've been reading posts here for the past month and it has been such a huge help going NC. I'll try to not ramble here! I've been married 17 yrs., 2 kids (9 and 7), and I have been attracted to a man for the past 2 years. This last spring, we began emailing, meeting up, calling each other, etc. This was an E/A since I didn't let things get too physical. NOT because I didn't want to, just couldn't because of guilt. A month ago, I realized I was falling in love with OM so I told him. Surpise, but he said it was "impossible" for us to be together, that I filled voids in his marriage, that he was attached to me, but... So I walked away and have been NC since. NOT easy at all. I was so depressed that my husband asked if there was someone else, so I told him almost everything. I am now in IC, my husband went a couple of times IC, and we will start MC in a few weeks. Even though I'm doing the counseling, I just don't know if I want to stay married. Before all this happend, I knew I wasn't in love with H. I love and care for him as a friend, but I don't feel the need to share my life with him anymore. He's a great guy, but we have definately grown apart and want different things out of life. OK, so here's the thing.. I haven't seen/heard from OM since I ended the relationship a month ago. Next week I will be seeing him again. We play music together (in a group) twice a week and luckily, he's been out of town/just missed this past month. Although I feel stronger than a month ago, I still have strong feelings for him. I miss him and that connection so much that I sometimes wish we were still together, even though I know he won't leave his W. One of the last things he said was that we can still be friends and that he will still act the same in front of the others in the group. I know we can't be friends anymore (that just kills me), and I know we can't act the same. How do I act??? Do I just pretend that nothing's changed? Do I ignore him? Smile and just say hi? I know when I see him my heart will be beating so hard and fast and my mind will be going crazy, so I want to try and have some kind of "game plan" on how to react and deal with him. Any and all advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!
Jane Doe Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Personally, I think that until you can get your emotions in check you need to avoid him completely, even if that means not being in the band for a while. Believe me, it'll be the best thing for you. The band isn't nearly as important as your self-respect, self-esteem and mental and emotional well-being.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 he said it was "impossible" for us to be together, that I filled voids in his marriage, that he was attached to me, Don't bother with the MM, if you do you'll just be hurting yourself. He has been honest with you, so believe that. I know you have stronger feelings for him, but if you pursue him later down the road at some point, he isn't going to take the bait the way you want him to. Sure, he'll continue a 'relationship' but it won't be the type you want. I think you need to tell your husband, he already suspects someone else, so why not tell him the truth? Especially because you don't feel like you're inlove with him. Your husband deserves to be with someone who loves him... The MM isn't worth your time or effort. IF you decide to continue any sort of friendship with him, it will just mess you up. Prevent you from moving on emotionally.
Author what2donow Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Sorry if I didn't make it clear -- I have told my husband about OM and we are starting MC soon. I am not going to persue OM. The problem is that OM and I are in a group that has committments to play music and I will be seeing him in rehearsal next week after a month of no contact. I'm just looking for some advice/tips on how to deal with seeing him again. Like do I avoid eye contact? Say hello and walk off? Say anything???
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Don't say anything. You don't owe this guy ANYTHING and out of respect for your husband, don't bother making any effort to talk to the OM. Is it possible to change your group? For the sake of your marriage, it might be a good idea, that way you dont' run into the OM at all. I'm sure your husband isn't pleased that you'll be even seeing the guy. Anyway, my main point is, what the OM feels and thinks shouldn't make a difference to you at all. What counts is your feelings and your husbands. That is all.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Hi there! I am in a similar situation. I fell for my H's best friend, and so of course, I am forced to see him every now and then. I have to act like there is nothing between us. He wants to be 'friends' - and yes, it tears me apart! I have often struggled with 'how should I act when he's here". The best way to act is to forget about the past and pretend that there is absolutely nothing between the two of you. He will appreciate it, and you will feel better about yourself. Good luck.
Author what2donow Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Thanks KHLF... I am going to just take a deep breath and focus on what's going on with the group.. not him. I pretended nothing was going on when we were together, so I should be able to do it now.. here's hoping anyway!!!
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