Katiesue25 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I'm wondering if my bf is seeing/interested in someoen else? This may be the wrong place to post this but here goes. My bf and I have had some problems- he is very needy and wants to spend all of his free time with me. We've been dating about 2 years. I am more independent- I don't need to see him 7 days a week to be happy. He has a son from a previous relationship that he has custody of. I am close with his son. We don't live together- we actually live about a 40 min. drive away from eachother. Lately because of a lot of things in my life- death in the family, wanting to spend more time with my parents who live 2 hours away, busy at work, buying a house etc. I have only seen him about two days a week. We used to spend about five days a week together. My grandma died in august and since then my bf and i have spent less time together. He has told me he is unhappy before- he is desperate to spend more time with me. He is used to women moveing in with him and them spending 24 hours every day (except for work) together. I'm not like that. We had been fighting a lot- he will yell at me for not spending time with him and then I will get upset and avoid him (a vicious cycle) so he hasn't been getting teh attention he wanted. But last friday we spent time together just he and I since his son was at his mom's for the weekend. It was the best time we've had in months. It was just the two of us and we cuddled and talked and had sex and the thing is I felt like we really connected once again and that all those bad feelings were behind us. He told me he loved me and that he had a great time. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day on saturday and we saw eachother briefly as I went to visit my parents. I was even sweet to him for once and told him how much I enjoyed being with him (something I don't do often) He agreed that it felt like when we were first dating (I actually got tingles when he kissed me just like when you are first dating someone) and that he'd had a great time. I didnt get to see him on sunday as I was still at my parents house (2hrs away) and though we talked, on monday he was distant- we were supposed to get togehter and do something but he had to work late so he said he was too tired to get together. On tuesday he said he had to help his brother so we didnt' see eachother then either. But we talked on the phone for an hour or so like usual. We've always talked on the phone every single day since we started dating. On Tuesday he said he missed me and we made plans to see eachother on wednesday. I was really looking forward to it as I felt things were looking up and I was starting to really want this to work. He had just got a cell phone last week (he used calling cards before) so he started calling me from work at lunch time to say hi. He called on wed. afternoon to say hi too. I expected to see him wednesday night (last night) Well when I got home he called me and told me he was going to target practice at his buddy's house. He just blew me off. I asked what was wrong and he told me he is done, doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was shocked as I had thought everything was totally fine and had been looking forward to seeing him. I am also in the process of buying a house that is closer to where he lives so we can see eachother more often and we'd even had plans of turning one of the rooms in my new house into a bedroom/playroom for his son. my bf was very angry at me and just said that he no longer feels the same way about me and that I don't spend enough time wtih him and i'll never change. He said I'd had enough chances to change and I had ignored everything he's asked me to do. he said I treat my friends and family better than I treat him. He said we can still get together and have sex but we are no longer dating. (wellI'm not giving him the satisfaction if we are not togehter) He said he still wants to be friends as he can't imagine not having me in his life but he can't be in a relationship with me. He complained that I dont do enough for his son (which is a lie because I do more than his son's own mother does at times) and that he has NO feelings left for me. He just doesn't care anymore. He said that he always wants to be friends and that anyone he has a future relationship with is going to have to accept that he is friends with me (which is really weird because he is NOT friends with ANY of his exes. He doesn't even really talk to his son's mother. He also said that if I ever want to have sex he will never turn me down! Gee don't I feel lucky (sarcasm). I asked him if it would hurt him to see me with another guy and he said no because we would still be friends. I am in shock right now as I thought everything was going well- after friday. Plus he was still saying he missed me and loved me up until tuesday night. We were making plans about my new house. I am thinking that he cheated on me or is interested or seeing someone else. I've asked him and he says no its not about someeone else and he has no interest in dating right now. But yesterday we met briefly for him to give me my stuff back and he was in a hurry to leave. He said he had to target practice with his friend. He ended up not going and calling me when he got home. I am just so confused!! He went from hot to cold in just a few days- no real warning. DO you think he's cheating?
PoshPrincess Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I don't know about cheating as thankfully I have never had experience of this in a committed relationship, but do you think he could be playing games? Y'know, trying to get a reaction from you to test your love for him? He sounds like a bit of a control freak and (IMO) they seem to be prone to playing games to get their own way. Just a thought....... Keep us updated & good luck
kulyok Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I do not think that your boyfriend is cheating, although this is just mine personal opinion. The way I see it, to him the best and the main part of being in love is spending time together. Being together was the best way for him to show his love for you and to feel your love for him. After repeatedly asking you for it, he realized the situation would not change. The key phrase is (He) said that he no longer feels the same way about me and that I don't spend enough time wtih him and i'll never change. He said I'd had enough chances to change and I had ignored everything he's asked me to do. He told you everything very clearly - I think. There is no need for reasoning, or looking for the right and the wrong party - you are both right. To him, love is spending most of the time together. To you, it is less so. He said that he always wants to be friends and that anyone he has a future relationship with is going to have to accept that he is friends with me (which is really weird because he is NOT friends with ANY of his exes. He doesn't even really talk to his son's mother. He also said that if I ever want to have sex he will never turn me down! This to me means that he still very much cares about you, and that you mean a lot to him. And I mean a lot. But he realized he wants much more time together with his chosen, and you do not fit, since to him, you do not want the same. These words are also a very good indication you have a chance to save your relationship, by spending more and more recreational time with him, and finally, should you both be willing, moving in together. A talk about what he liked best in your relationship(to get a smile on his face, you understand ) and asking what he really wants and how he feels would be a good start. Google some relationship sites, like Marriage Builders, to learn how this can be done. But this, of course, will only work if you really and truly intend to be together - to spend more and more time together. If not, perhaps moving on would be the best option. By the way, if you do decide to move on, search "Friends and Lovers" forum first, before deciding to remain friends. Too often people who decide to preserve an emotional bond, instead of sticking to "No Contact" policy for some time, before firmly establishing a new relationship, find it very hard to let go of past relationship, and have little success in finding new partners. Good luck to you.
jmargel Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I was even sweet to him for once and told him how much I enjoyed being with him (something I don't do often) So you basically emotionally abused him for the past how many months and ignored what he was telling you he needed. So he then just has enough of it and you suspect he is cheating? Why not try to place some of the responsibility and blame on yourself? You want him to wait for you while you do everything else under the sun and THEN when you have a little bit of time for him you'll see him. However that day you spent with him you were actually sweet to him, which tells me all the other times you spent with him you treated him poorly. Well no wonder he left. I would have too. Stop treating him like a dog and maybe you would have had a better relationship with him. Look back and really see what YOU did. Stop placing the blame on him or anyone else. Stop with the excuses. It would be another thing if he wasn't communicating with you on what he wants in a relationship but you just kept ignoring it. As long as you were happy the relationship was happy, right? Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. It's not what YOU can get out of a relationship but what you can do for the person you love. Yes he's angry, I would be as well. Does he still love you? Probably, but it takes more than love to make things work. If you try to get back with him with the intentions of keeping things the same it won't work. This is your wake-up call. If you can't commit the amount of time he needs from someone then he's best off with someone else. I can tell you one thing though, if you even ask him if he's cheating you won't stand a chance of ever getting him back.
elijahBailey Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I have to say it all sounds pretty familiar to me. My girl used to put her family first before me; and that wasn't occasional but All.The.Time. That pisses the sh*t out of me so much that I almost threw in the towel on several occasions. Everytime she places her family first, the connection that I have with her broke. Everyone has a break point, and when the same things kept happening unabated, I could truly say that I had zero feelings for her. Had she not come to the realization of how bad things were and made the effort to change, I would've walked. I don't think that your guy changed over a few days. Things like this takes time to deteriorate. But guys will be guys, and we usually think about the sex that we'll give up if we quit. So, yeah, things were probably in the balance for a while, and when it worsened to a point where the lure of sex ain't enough to balance it, well, then it's over. If you truly care for him, you need to make adjustments. Otherwise, just move on and tell yourself that you and him are not compatible. Good luck.
Katiesue25 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I know that I am to blame as well and am not trying to use the suspicion that he cheated as an excuse. Its not as though he treated me like a princess and was the world's best boyfriend and I treated him like ****. There are two sides to it and obviously either he wasn't meeting some of MY needs or other people in my life were meeting my need for companionship (family and friends) so I didnt feel the need to spend so much time with him. I know that we've been having problems for awhile but I keep telling him to give me some time till things settle down and also I've asked him to do things that I need as well. I'm not so big on the time thing- I think its the quality of time you spend together, not the quantity and I've told him that I feel unwanted at times because he never does anything nice for me. He doesn't tell me I look nice or complement me anymore and he can be very selfish at times so I've felt neglected as well. But this weekend when we spent the one-on-one time togehter to me it felt like the spark was back and it was just what I needed and he seemed happy as well. It just feels to me that he just snapped all of a sudden because he is so ANGRY at me and it is like it is coming out of nowhere almost. That is why i suspected he was cheating or wanted to date someone else. Because I would think he would want to have someone else lined up before he ended it or at least be interested in someone else. his behavior just changed so suddenly. I mean this weekend I signed the papers for my new house and we were talking about how he'd help me fix it up, we were flirty and happy and 3 days later boom= he doesn't want to be with me. It just doens't make sense. And if he is so angry with me why would he still want to be friends and even tell me that his future girlfriends will just have to understand that I am part of the deal (as his close friend???) How can you go from caring about someone to just friends so quickly??
LakesideDream Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 This guy sounds pretty honest to me. He has laid out his needs for months and you have ignored him. You can only see the importance of your needs. You didn't mention what type of relationship he was in before, however I'll bet the woman was a lot like you. You are obviously not able to meet his needs. A marriage (what he wants) is each giving 100%. I'm sure he seemed like someone who would put you first, and knuckle under to your every whim... you were wrong. Count your lucky stars, and light a candle. This is a bad BF/GF relationship that worked out. You both found that the two of you were not right for each other.
jmargel Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Katie when I was enaged to my ex-fiancee the night before she left me she was telling me how much she loved me, etc.. the next morning she was telling me how she had feelings for someone else, etc.. Often people don't know themselves on which way to turn and when they are undecided they will often just go with the flow at that time. I guess you first have to answer if you really want a relationship with him. If you do and are serious about this I would recommend counseling for both of you. You sound like you weren't happy in it and neither was him. Neither of you were communicating very well (in terms of actually listening and trying to do your best to do for each other). Seems like once one of you felt neglected that gave you the opportunity to do it back to the other. That's not how things really work, well at least in successful relationships, anyways.. I noticed in your last post you had a lot of 'I's, which tell me you expect to be treated a certain way before you treat the other with the same kindness/respect, etc.. Problem is with that, is if the other doesn't give in first you dig yourself a very deep rut which is very hard for the relationship to get out of. Someone needs to make the first move and if you want this to work it will have to be you. If you want advice on that, I'll do my best however that's something you first have to decide.. Is this relationship really worth it to you?
Island Girl Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I noticed in your last post you had a lot of 'I's, which tell me you expect to be treated a certain way before you treat the other with the same kindness/respect, etc.. This is soooo interesting! I am not being sarcastic either by the way. Where can I learn more about this kind of analysis? Are there more? For instance someone who makes 'you' statements? - What do they expect? The idea that speech patterns and word choice is a window into their mind...i.e. what they feel and need, etc. on the most basic level, I could totally see that.
jmargel Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 It's nothing that I read, just something that I picked up on my own. From reading a ton of situations on here and from my own personal experience I've learned to "read between the lines" guess you can say. I'm sure if go on the net & google something like 'writing analysis' you'll probably find something. As for the 'you' statement it would depend on the context of the message as well. If she wrote him a letter with a lot of "you's" did this or that letter, it tells me that she's not ready to take responsibility for her side of the relationship and she's still in an anger stage. When one feels like they have been cheated on the first stage is usually denial and/or anger.
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I think the writing has been on the wall for some time now, you've just not been paying attention to see the signs. He's been wanting the relationship to BE something more, like maybe you and him settling down together, building a life together...You seem to have just gone on about your life, not including him in your daily life. On your terms and when you have time for him. Maybe he reached his boiling point and figured enough is enough. I don't know. If he asked you to marry him a week ago, would you have said yes? 2 years is long enough, not sure how you two are, but seeing as he has a son, I'm sure he wants to settle down... What do you want? Do you love him enough to fight for him? Or are you going to walk away without trying to fix things?
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