am i a nag???

[emmaUK]

in a previous thread by a female saying that she thought her bf loved weed smore then he loved her.... i put a post up saying that my BF has had patches of smoking weed and he is totaly different when he is smoking it regular..... very short temper, not understanding, twists everything innocent i say into something totaly different, selfish, doesnt wanna talk about anything.

 

we had split up for a few weeks and got back 2getha about a week ago.... he told me he had been smoking weed every day again and i said that i didnt wanna be with him while he was smoking it so much becuase he is a totaly differnt person that i dont like.

he said i was more important then smoking weed and he wanted it to work so he would stop smoking it. this made me feel really happy and like he cared.

 

tuesday evening he came over... during dinner he told me he had slipped up and smoked it on monday evening. he said he tried his hardest to resist but he went round his friends house and couldnt resist. he said he jsut enjoys it to much.. everything about it. he said giving up this time round is the hardest thing ever. i did go on a little bit i must admit in trying to make him c how upset i was n we ended up rowing n he sid a few nasty things to me but then we made up. but it ended with him saying that he knows the weed f**ks things up n he realyl didnt wanna smoke it again n he wouldnt.

 

anyway i know he is going out 2moro with mates.... ALL of his mates smoke weed.. not 1 of them doesnt, so whenever he is with them... there is constant temptation. they all egg him onto smoke it aswell.

i feel like its like an alcoholic who is trying to stop drinking going into a bar only a couple of days after saying they want to give up.

i have been feelin sick about it all morning coz i know there is a good chance he will smoke it again 2moro.

i just rang him 2 say i was worried that he would end up smoking it with all that temptation and explained that i thought it was silyl that he was gonna be around all that weed smoking in the first few days of him giving up... i just wanted reassurance, wanted to feel like he seriosuly wanted to stop smokin and that no temptation would make him give in this time..... but he got angry at me and said he didnt wanna tak 2 me any more and then put the phone down.

 

he jsut text me saying

 

"please dont ring or text me any of your worries again, i dont wanna feel worse n the love bubble be officialy burst"

 

and

 

"your impossible to talk to and your driving me away, thats not only right but the truth"

 

do u think im a total nag??? would any guy feel like this if in th same situation???

i dont know wot 2 do or say

[Walk]

I personally feel you tell your SO how you feel about something, if it's unacceptable and you don't want it as a part of your life, then you say that... And at MOST, you discuss it twice. If both times it entailed a discussion with a fairly accurate understanding on his part, then theres nothing more to say. He understands your position, and the choice is his now.

 

And then you drop it. If the person chooses to continue the behavior after you've explained your feelings, then they've made their choice. Continuing to reiterate how you feel after it's been discussed a few times will only make the other person feel you have no confidence or belief in them. That you expect them to **** up. Lack of respect at that point.

 

Hmm... You know what.. maybe he's kind of pissed at himself too because he feels Everyone is telling him how to live his life.. His friends, you, himself... So he snapped at you in the text message.

 

But yes, lay off the "nagging". You said your peace. He's an adult. Don't treat him like a child. (even if he seems to act like one... but then why would you continue to date a person who acts like a child?)

[BentSpine]

I don't think he is determined to quit.

 

He said he tried to quit, but slipped. If he really had been determined to quit, he would have realised after he slipped that he has underestimated the challenge.

 

He would have learnt, from his mistake, that he cannot trust himself with regards to abstaining and would have welcomed your caring and support when you called him.

 

He admitted that smoking gives him a great payoff. Since you are still with him, no negative consequences so far from you. Except for when you remove him from an opportunity of smoking. He snaps at you because you threaten that which is imperative to him: him smoking.

 

As long as he says that he will quit, you stay with him. Until the smoking gives mostly negative consequences, he is likely to continue.

 

But this is only what I think.

[littlekitty]

Everyone so far has made some excellent points.

 

* If you give an ultimatum and he doesn't follow through on his promise, you have to follow through on your threat. If you don't, you are basically condoning his actions.

 

* He's not going to stop smoking until HE wants to. He has to want to do it for his own reasons.

 

* Nagging at him is not going to get the right result. Believe me - take it from someone who knows. The more you try and push him down this road, the more he's likely to dig his heels in and get stubborn about it. Perhaps he'll even end up lying to you about it, just so you don't keep on at him. And that's no better situation now is it?

[Walk]

If he really had been determined to quit, he would have realized after he slipped that he has underestimated the challenge.

 

He would have learnt, from his mistake, that he cannot trust himself with regards to abstaining and would have welcomed your caring and support when you called him.

 

I don't think this is a very realistic view. He'll "thank you" for telling him he's a loser with no will power? In fact, he'll be grateful that you've told him three times in the past two days that he can't be trusted?

 

Even if I were a saint, I still don't think I could pull off appreciative and grateful if my SO let me know I couldnt' be trusted, and I had no will power of my own.... I'd be pissed off, grumpy, and snappy.

 

He admitted that smoking gives him a great payoff. Since you are still with him, no negative consequences so far from you. Except for when you remove him from an opportunity of smoking.

 

Until the smoking gives mostly negative consequences, he is likely to continue.

 

I don't believe it's her right to enforce negative consequences in order to make him stop. Controlling your partners actions through emotional manipulation? Yes it works in the short term, but it has bad consequences long term. If she decides that she can't have a happy life with this guy because of his pot habit, then she should leave. But to use that as a weapon in order to get her own way? There's a fine line you're crossing when you start using your power to control others. That kind of power should ONLY be used to control your own life. NOT other people.

 

 

He snaps at you because you threaten that which is imperative to him: him smoking.

 

I disagree. I think he snapped at her because she implied he was a spineless loser who she couldn't trust to do a simple thing without her being there to watch over him.

 

From all the studies I've read, pot isn't physically addicting. Mentally it may be. But more for the escape aspect. I would even suggest that by creating stronger negative messages in an attempt to make him stop, will drive him further into smoking pot. He's looking to escape reality, responsibility. The more pressure put on him to stop smoking, will push him further into it.

 

Overall I agree that if she doesn't show him she's serious about the impact his choice has on her life, that he will never seek to change it. However, do it for the right reasons. If it is honestly something that causes a decrease in comfort and happiness for you, then if it doesn't stop after talking with him (once or twice) then remove yourself from the situation. It's your happiness and well-being we're talking about. At that point he has the choice in deciding which direction he wishes to take his life. With pot, or without it. Since there's no comprimise offered in the situation, no punishment should ever be dealt out.

 

If there were comprimises in place.. ie: she will give him something he wants 3 weekends out of four, if he will only smoke pot one weekend out of four. She gives up soemthing, he gives up something... she gains, he gains... At that point, then "negative" enforcement would be removing the item offered in the deal if he doesn't honor the agreement.

 

Maybe I just don't understand how others think... Why are we so centered around the fact that what we want is the most important thing? To the exclusion of what makes others happy? Where's the comprimse? We tell people to do things to make us happy and offer only the gift of our presence in return?? Well, no offense, but that's a pretty high and mighty attitude. I haven't met anyone who's made of gold yet... but that's what that kind of mentality causes me to assume. That people must think they are the it and the all of life, and I should bow in their presence. If someone request that I stop something I enjoy in order for them to be "happy" to be with me.. then offer me something in return. 'Cause frankly, there are 3 billion other people out there, and I'm sure I could find one who is fine with what I enjoy. So if I have to give up soemthing I like, then the partner who is asking better offer a replacement for it. Otherwise, the person is attempting to control what I do, and my choices, just so that I will have the honor of their presence.... How about No.

 

You give, I give, we both win.

[Guest]

Your boyfriend sounds addicted to pot. It's like any other addiction - if it is disrupting his life and he doesn't want to acknowledge it, he won't. He'll try to "quit" for you, but then probably just say that he'll cut back instead. Until he starts to feel the consequences of his actions he isn't going to quit. Read all about it on websites devoted to any addiction, alcohol, meth, pot, anything. It's all the same cycle and if you don't want it in your life then you need to get out. I know it's hard - I'm dealing with kind of the same thing but with alcohol.

 

It's hard to write a person off because they aren't ever all bad. They have some great points otherwise we wouldn't have looked at them in the first place. But you have to weigh the good against the bad, and the bad only grows when there is an addiction. Let us know how it works out. I'm sorry you have to go through this pain. None of it is fair.