Guest Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Hi , I am new to this place but I am glad I found it . my husband just seperated from me suddenly. it wass after an argument and he just said "that's it , I'm moving out " I have 2 kids , one teenager and one toddler. he got his own place. I am not confused about him getting his own place , i accept reality but I am in so much pain . he explained he left because he felt that he coulndt deal with me and my teenager. he actually said he was "happy" about moving out. . it has been a week since he found his own apt , and we have spoken here and there. I told him that I think we can work this out , that I loved him and that this time apart we can work on things together. he agreed that he did not want a divorce right now but I told him that my goal is to eventually move back in together and live like a family again , I ask him where he stands on that and he said "Idon't know" . I f i push him he says that I am pushing him and he doesnt want to talk to me . right now he says he is enjoying his free time and alone time . but he does realize he is still married. sometimes it seems we get to a better place , but then he will be cold to me and tell me pretty much dont call me , I'll call you . and he does but he wont tell me when the next time he will call . usually every few days. It has been really hard for me . he says to me that he doesnt want a divorce but he doesnt know when and if he wants to move back in ... he says he Loves me a little bit but I stress him out too much. he says he just needs space to clear his mind. he wont tell me how much time . I dont want to push him because i dont want to lose him , so i dont call but I feel horrible. my teen doesnt seem to care a bit but my toddler realizes something is wrong and it hurts me . I almost feel tense about calling him because I dont know what reaction i will get . i have fault in the relationship going badly but it takes two. now I feel abandoned into this empty guessing game . I know I want to save my marriage but I don't know what to do , all I can do is sacrafise my own feelings to give him space. he wont wear his wedding ring and when i asked him why he says because it reminds him how irritating i am . I feel so alone and stressed. he seems to be fine. i know to give him space now and wait for him to call me but it is jsut so unfair. but i realize i have to do that to try to save this. i saw him the other day and he said he wanted us ( me and our toddler ) to stay at his place he liked our company but when we leave he doesnt seem to be sad about it. i told him if he wants a divorce he should just say so . but he says no not now. he is willing to give it another try ,,, he wants space for now. seems clear enough but he is really cold hearted with me and i feel like I am getting mixed messages. I am confused to where he is coming from . everything is in limbo . I feel that giving him space is a must to try to re connect with him when he de stresses a bit but i am afraid doing that would make him drift further away from me , at the same time i have people telling me that I should avoid him so that he persues me but that scares me too because what if he really doesnt you know? ... anyway I'm confused and alone . I want to save this marriage but I dont really know how. he has alot of anger from his frustration with me i guess. I made the mistake of nagging him about everything that bothered me , i know now that even though i thought i was sharing my deepest fears and emotions with him as my husband he was taking it as constant torture . i realize now that i should not have told him about every thing i stress about ( my teen ) but hindsight is 20/20 . but i am not saying this is all my fault but i take my side of the responsibility . I even told him that i realize this but he seems to not believe me. and he feels like he has done no wrong but that isnt true. but i dont bring up the past because it doesnt pertain to the now. I am just so lost . anyone have any ideas or insight into this situation?
KieraM Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 This must be so hard, especially since it's still so raw for you. Also, I can't believe you're accepting reality so readily! I was in denial and pretended nothing was wrong for at least a month! It's better your way. Good for you. As for the husband, the fact that he said he was happy seems odd to me. It kind of seems like he's trying to convince himself. It's not something a person would usually say in this situation. The hot and cold reactions, the calling and not calling for a few days, it kind of seems like he's confused. If he's asking for space, as hard as it may be, give it to him. However, if you feel that you just have to talk to him, by all means, call him. The bottom line: YOU ARE STILL HIS WIFE. And it's a good sign that he still realizes that. If he's pulling away as things seem to be getting to a better place, it seems like he's trying to run away from his emotions and not let them influence his thoughts. It's hard and it hurts, I know. The wedding ring. I cringed when I read that. I remember finding my husband's ring on the coffee table after he left. I hadn't even realized he had taken it off. There's nothing I can say about taking the sting off this one, because I still can't get over it myself. I still wear my rings. I wear his around my neck. The limbo is the worst, too. However, I would take it as a good sign that he doesn't want to divorce right away. If he's willing to give it another try, that's a good sign too. I know it's torture to give him the space he wants. The one thing they always want is always the hardest for us to give. Everyone told me to stay busy and move about. Bull! I sat around and moped every chance I got! Most people won't agree with me here, but give yourself the time to cry and pity yourself if you want! I know this is gonna be hard with a toddler, but whenever you get that one moment, go for it! It always feels better after a good cry! Or do anything that makes you feel better no matter what anyone says! It times like this that you need to indulge yourself! Your situation sounds hopeful. I really think your marriage can ba saved. You feel lost and confused. Think back to the last thing you did that you were confident in before the husband. Do it! Take this time to re-connect with friends you lost in touch with. Do the things you refrained from because he disapproved. I also take a good chunk of the blame for what made my husband leave. I nagged, and complained and all that good stuff, thinking it didn't bother him. Like you said, hindsight is always 20/20. This is what I say. If it wasn't this hard, I would never have changed. I hope I helped in some way. If I offended you in any way, trust that it wasn't my intention to do so. You don't have to agree with all this. I know I'm immature. But I do wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out well. And you're not alone.
ely Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I think your marriage can be saved but you need to get proffesional help for yourself before a reconciliation. Have you ever considered counseling? Maybe you have postpartum depression? If he is distant let it be, don't pressure and stress him ,the least thing he wants is to be bothered when that is the reason why he left. Learn from this experience, love him and respect his decisions and you will see how it will all come together. Don't let anything bother you RELAX. And about the ring he is just doing that to teach you a lesson. Good luck
Gunny376 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 This is classic male behavior. A lot of women when they have problems ~ they talk and talk and talk about it. They discuss the dynamics of the probelm, they explore it, take it apart, examine it from inside out, put it back together, turn it over on its side, turn it upside down, right side up. A lot of men when they have problems ~ crawl up into a cave by themselves and examine it sometimes for prolonged periods of time in isolation. This guys got things on his mind. Part of it may be as he stated, your nagging, the teenager, etc. That's what he's done ~ he's went and crawled into his cave. The best thing to do is to just give him his time and space (literally) to let him figure things out on his own. I wouldn't contact him unless I had to and then only discuss those topics that you have to discuss, and no more than you have to discuss them. (Counter to your own natural intuition ~ I know) I would recommend Dr. John Gray's "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" in it, he will explain this "cave" mentality as well as his "rubberbanding" (pulling back and forth emotionally) that men have. Also "Romance 101" by Gregory J.P. Godek. Don't let the title throw you, its more about the many fine aspects of being in a relationship, than it is about "rommance" Its a quick read in that most chapters are only about two to three pages long ~ but don't let that fool you either ~ because it chocked full of additional references, and assignments. Another good one is "DivorceBusting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. She also has a website which is aginst LS policy for me to post since its a paid sight. Just put it in your broser and Goggle it. Good luck
debilou Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 You've come to the right place honey. I feel your pain, literally. I didn't see it coming either. Trust your instincts. Post here. Try your hardest not to contact him. You can't talk him into anything. Work on yourself and concentrate on the kids. You are hurting. Life has given you a slap in the face. This is NOT your fault. http://www.marriagebuilders.com might be of some help. Take care, Debilou
anna13 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I think your marriage can be saved but you need to get proffesional help for yourself before a reconciliation. Have you ever considered counseling? Maybe you have postpartum depression? If he is distant let it be, don't pressure and stress him ,the least thing he wants is to be bothered when that is the reason why he left. Learn from this experience, love him and respect his decisions and you will see how it will all come together. Don't let anything bother you RELAX. And about the ring he is just doing that to teach you a lesson. Good luck i saw a therapist the fourth day after he left , because i felt like i was not holding it together well at all. but i did not feel comfortable with this therapist and she gave me insight but nothing more then my friends have told me . so I figured that therapy isnt for me . I am so suffering at this moment , I feel really alone and i know it his day off and yesterday when i spoke to him he said he might call me today (might) i hate that . I am dying to call him right now and say look , this isnt right but i know that isnt the right thing to do. i know he said he doesnt want a divorce but the way he is brushing me off i feel so abandoned , and i do think i am actually. I feel like i dont know him that well . I just cant see how someone can shut it off like that , off and out. I have a friend who told me seperation is a means to an end already , that it would be a miracle if he came back. that is the truth I guess ... I'm so scared. I just dont know where his compassion for me is . and doubts linger in my mind. my rational side says don't call him , let him call you and persue you if he wants , but the other side of me says , he is my husband he shouldnt do this to me , he needs to be responsible and be a man and take care of his family and his wife. i wont say that to him rightnow cause i know he wwill reject me . seems unbelievably selfish to me . especially if the problem is just stress , and not infidelity or anything else. not to minimize the damage stress has done though,.. i know him so i thought , now i feel i dont know him , he is not predictable. i have to find a way not to call him but it is so hard. I feel like being irrational ! help .
anna13 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I'm scared, too... I am so glad I found this place. . to be able to communicate to people that I know , know how i am feeling and what I am going through,. Thanks so much to you and everyone who is reading and responding to my threads . It helps so much to know that we are not alone.
Lor Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Anna, I've posted this on your other post also. Don't call him. Let him come to you. He misses you and your toddler? Then its his call to do the contacting. What you are doing by contacting him is not letting him figure out what he needs and wants, not giving him the time he needs to work things out. My X used to tell me that me contacting him, whether in a good mood or not, made it so that he didn't have the time he needed to miss me. If he wants to see your little one, then he needs to make arrangements for visitation time.....not you going to see him. He says he doesn't want a divorce yet.....I hate to tell you this but they all say that, except the good ones that just get it over and done with. You are now on the proverbial rollercoaster and its a ride from hell. Believe 10% of what you hear and 90% of what you see. he's feeding you the typical responses to keep you there but yet have his own space. what it will all come down to is when you've had enough and decide to cut the string. A week is not very long. You can cry all you want, scream, rage, throw things (preferably without the kids around), feel pity for yourself, wonder what you did wrong.....and all it will do is make you miserable, yet somehow better. Because the longer it goes on, the less the tears come, you will start sleeping again, you'll find yourself laughing and feeling guilty like you were laughing at a funeral. and that's okay--you're allowed to laugh, you're allowed to feel good. You are going to grieve for the lost future, the moments that you should be sharing right now, the memories that you can't understand why they don't mean anything to him. Right now you think this is all your fault, and he's supporting that by telling you so. You are not completely at fault--like you'd said, it takes two. But what you will need to do is work on the faults that you do have, but not to get him back. You will need to do this so that you can move on with your life and be happier, whether with him or without him. He's kicked you and your family in the eye teeth, sunk you about as low as you're gonna get. So now you need to start lifting yourself back up, and only you can do it. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's the little things that you do that will make the difference to your attitude--getting a haircut, puting on fingernail polish, going for a walk, joining a gym, buying a new shirt, a new CD, a new movie. you'll be amazed how much better you will start to feel when you start thinking of yourself....and it is not being selfish to do so. This is gonna get worse before it gets better. There are many stages that you will end up going thru; physical and emotional pain, remorse, regret, guilt, confusion, anger, being very happy one day and crying the next two, acceptance, denial...I could go on and on. I'm going to recommend that you read posts by UKSurfer..his wife went flaky on him and yet they still managed to get back together--but he left it completely up to her, no ultimatums, gave her time and space, and focuses competely on himself and his kids. It doesn't sound like it should work but it does! If you push--he's gonna shove so back off now. The reason why I'm getting D is because I did not follow the advice I was given and I pushed....but ultimately it was me who cut the string. Otherwise I'd still be dangling from it today--over 13 months after it started. One day you'll decide you've had enough, if he won't make any moves towards reconsciling. For now, cool your heals and calm yourself...start focusing on you and not on him, when he's gonna call, when you'll see him next, is he okay? what is he doing? If he wanted you to know then he'd let you know. good luck to you and keep us updated.
debilou Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Apparently Lor and I were/are married to the same man. I couldn't have said it better. Believe what she says, it true. Read all posts from people whose spouses left. They are all the same. On marriage builders there was a thread from Pebbles. Gee, it helped me a lot. It's under general questions II. It's pretty old, but really good reading. If you have time try to find it. Ladyjane may be able to link it for us. She's pretty great too! Good job Lor! I miss you Ladyjane. Debilou
Spurned Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I don't know what kind of time you have on your hands, but I would purchase Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough." Read it, memorize it, and then do it. Hold your head high and don't go crying after him anymore. Cry to yourself in your private moments. Let him miss you. Every time you call, you actually REDUCE any chance of reconciliation and don't give him the time to actually think about what he is going to give up. It may seem counterintuitive, and to be honest, most people aren't able to do it, but you have to stop calling him. Let some of his calls go to voicemail. Don't talk about your relationship with him anymore. Be very terse with your words and present a strong front. You are a beautiful, strong, woman with or without him. You will survive this heartache. Good luck.
anna13 Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 ok there is another book i will be purchasing soon. thank you . I did need to hear that again today especially since i have had a rough day ( my post - my emotions are trying to take over ) i think ~ anyway today was very hard. in fact almost dialed the number . I had the phone in my hand . but i didnt. I just cried.
Gunny376 Posted October 9, 2006 Posted October 9, 2006 I don't know what kind of time you have on your hands, but I would purchase Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough." Read it, memorize it, and then do it. Hold your head high and don't go crying after him anymore. Cry to yourself in your private moments. Let him miss you. Every time you call, you actually REDUCE any chance of reconciliation and don't give him the time to actually think about what he is going to give up. It may seem counterintuitive, and to be honest, most people aren't able to do it, but you have to stop calling him. Let some of his calls go to voicemail. Don't talk about your relationship with him anymore. Be very terse with your words and present a strong front. You are a beautiful, strong, woman with or without him. You will survive this heartache. Good luck. This is true. What is also true is there's not a shortage of men nor women, there's only about 6.6 billion of them on the planet. The truth of the matter is that what one will abuse ~ another can certainly use. For every Jill, there's a Jack and for every Jack there's a Jill. The amount of time, effort, and energy (and money) you expend on getting this one back, you could have 10 others for 1/10th of the effort. Women are always going on about their figures and their weight. News flash ~ I know pleanty of guys that go absolutely nuts over BBW. There are certain types of women I go nuts over, and then there are certain types that I don't and won't date. Generally I'm more interested in what she's got between her ears, than I am about what she's got between her legs. The last LTR I was in was with a woman that was 5'9" and weigh in around 150 pounds, and had a pear shape. For six and half years all I heard was about her weight. And, I kept telling her she was height - weight prortionate ~ and it didn't matter to me. The reason we broke up? Because although the sex was great ~ that's all I was getting out of the relationship ~ sex. Sex isn't enough to substain a relationship. Women need to feel "loved" and men need to feel "appreciated and needed. When a man doesn't feel needed and appreciate ~ he ain't going ~ he's gone!
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