KieraM Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Hi people. After 3 years of marriage, my husband told me he does not love me anymore and that he wanted a divorce. That was 3 months ago and he had moved out 2 months ago. The reasons he gave were so vague and specific problems he named were issues that we had already resolved years ago. Also, the news was completely out of the blue. He was literally fixing up the house one day and talking about the future one week and asking for a divorce the next. He still stops by, but he was hostile and ended up making it harder for me. Finally, I was about to give up when I asked him about his family. He refused to say anything at first, but then started talking. He admitted that he had not spoken to his father in 3 months because the father asked him if he could give the marriage another chance. He told me he hung up on him and hasn't talked to him since. Then, he started cursing his own father. I know how much he loves his father. I felt that he was hurting and I told him as much. Then he also told me that friends he thought he could count on were not friends. Finally, he says, "Remember a few months ago when you told me I might be depressed? I think I am." Then he continued to tell me he thought no one would even notice if he killed himself! When I asked if he wanted to talk about his problems, he said no and that he would deal with them himself. That all he wanted was to be left alone to deal with things. Finally, he just sat here and cried. After some time, he calmed down and said he was leaving. I hadn't seen him this upset ever, so I got up to give him a hug. Then he started sobbing all over again. Said something about how sorry he was for hurting me and that it ate away at him and left. I was ready give him his divorce. The papers are ready. I just needed to serve them to him. But now I'm afraid to. I was taught to have compassion and love for others. I was also taught that those who act most hateful and push you away were those who needed love most. I know he has a gambling problem and that he gambled away $300,000 of our money, but I forgave that. Could he still have a problem with that? He just seems so sad, I could never forgive myself if something happened to him after I leave. Am I crazy with heartache, or should I try and help?
littlekitty Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Kiera what do you want? Do you want to stay in the marriage? Do you still love him? If you stayed would it be out of compassion and obligation only?
Author KieraM Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 I want to stay married and stay with him! I still love him! More than ever, infact! I still believe that this marriage can be saved! Sometimes, I can't even believe this is actually happening! I'm still hoping this is just a bad dream! But I was going to give him the divorce because I truly believed he was happier without me. I was going to give him the divorce because, in the end, I just want him to be happy. I'm asking for nothing. Not the property, no alimony, no nothing.
Woggle Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Tell him I said he is nuts for wanting to leave you. Does he have any idea how hard it is to find a woman that thinks like you and actually thinks of his happiness first? It looks like he is depressed over other issues and thinks that leaving the marriage will solve things which it won't. Try to convince him to get some counseling.
anna13 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I would have the same difficulty with that as you do , because he says he doesnt love you and he wants a divorce but his behavior says the oposite. especialy coming out of the blue like that. My husband left me and he shows me by his actions that he is happy about it ( long story view my post if you like) your husband seems to be leaving you out of Love for you . It seems like from what i am reading from you that he feels you deserve better and he is sorry for hurting you. So i would definitly hesitate to hand to divorce papers over too. especially when he seems unstable emotionally. I agree with the previous post , maybe try to convince him to see a therapist . or maybe a marriage councelor togehter. he seems like he still Loves you by the way he is acting ( even though he is saying the oposite) . I think there is still hope in your relationship and that you should wear out all options before giving him the divorce papers. i think because you are not sure of his true feelings you are hesitant . a therapist may clear things up for the both of you. I think your husband will agree if you tell him to do it for you.
CryingCanuck Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Not klnowing you or your husband but being EXTREMELY familiar with depressives I would say your husband is depressed, I would say that he has serious problems that he is not recognizing and that he may need intervention to help him. You can;t force him to seek help but you certainly can try as hard as you can to get him the help he may need. You say he lost 300K gambling before, that is an indication right there, a compulsive behaviour is a sure sign that something is not right. Normally, when I hear someone say that their spouse is suffering from severe depression I tell them to run for the hills, it just doesn't get better and eventually the person who is trying to help the depressive becomes one themselves.. Hard, yes, Cold yes True, who knows,.... I'm just going from my own experiences with my W who a severe depressive. It simply takes over adn there is no reason whatsoever for their actions. One major catastrophy to the next. In your situation you might want to talk to him about seeing someone, maybe even please, because you firmly believe he is sick, maybe ( when he's really down) to take him to your local hospital and have someone talk to him there..... He may be suicidal, who knows... Good luck dear lady, you are in for a rough ride whatever path you choose. My heart goes out to you. CC
Author KieraM Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Thank you for your comments. After reading your comments, I have decided NOT to serve the papers. I guess if he really wants a divorce, he'll file the papers himself. Also, the post about helping depressed spouses made me realize I MUST help him. I suffered periodic episodes of severe depression. That's how I was able to recognize his. The things he was saying and doing was like watching a movie of myself just a few years ago. I finally met a therapist who has helped me deal with the core issues and I've been doing well for a long time now. I think I did this to him. The stress of helping me did this to him. Now that I'm better, what can I do for him? HE was the one that convinced me to see someone, even when I refused. Why won't he take his own advice even after he admitted he's depressed? It's not like I can throw him over my shoulder and carry him like he did me! (i still giggle when I think about that day. what a sight we must have been.) I'm so sorry this is so complicated, I feel so bad but I had to get this out.
Author KieraM Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Thank you for your comments. After reading your comments, I have decided NOT to serve the papers. I guess if he really wants a divorce, he'll file the papers himself. Also, the post about helping depressed spouses made me realize I MUST help him. I suffered periodic episodes of severe depression. That's how I was able to recognize his. The things he was saying and doing was like watching a movie of myself just a few years ago. I finally met a therapist who has helped me deal with the core issues and I've been doing well for a long time now. I think I did this to him. The stress of helping me did this to him. Now that I'm better, what can I do for him? HE was the one that convinced me to see someone, even when I refused. Why won't he take his own advice even after he admitted he's depressed? It's not like I can throw him over my shoulder and carry him like he did me! (i still giggle when I think about that day. what a sight we must have been.) I'm so sorry this is so complicated, I feel so bad but I had to get this out.
Author KieraM Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Sorry about that fit of drama. But please help. I usually take the time to mope and what not. But right now, I'm so lonely. It's not a depression thing. I'm just so lonely and just so sad. I feel so alone, I'm crying all the time again and I don't think my husband is ever coming back. I still worry about him, too. What can I do when I feel so hopeless?
MattN Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I feel your pain as my wife left me 2 months ago after 11yrs and she told me she doesn't love me etc etc and has been thinking about it for 3 whole weeks. Its really hard sometimes but all you can do is take it day to day and try to keep yourself busy all the time and work on yourself. It gets better over time but it can be hard. If it wasn't for my son I'm not sure what I would do. Hang in there.
anna13 Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Sorry about that fit of drama. But please help. I usually take the time to mope and what not. But right now, I'm so lonely. It's not a depression thing. I'm just so lonely and just so sad. I feel so alone, I'm crying all the time again and I don't think my husband is ever coming back. I still worry about him, too. What can I do when I feel so hopeless? My husband left me (moved outu said he needed space) about a little over a week ago . he has left me in a limbo saying that he doesnt miss me and he was happy about moving out . he goes back and forth and tells me not to call him and give him space for now. I feel completely alone and rejected I know absolutely how you feel. I also have the realization that this may not be a temporary thing with us and that he may not ever come back. I am absolutely heart broken too. the thing that has helped me is of course this message board where I know that we are not alone in the pain we feel . also, everyday in the morning i don't want to wake up but i do , I force myself to go out and do my regular activities . some of those used to include my husband but now i just go to different places , to make it my own and not something we shared. just one step in front of the other.everyday , is different , some days I feel like I dont need him I deserve better other days , I miss him horribly and think of our children. but no matter what time moves forward and life moves on for all of us , no matter what the outcome. I know your probobly think how can I be so rational if I am in so much pain , well i fall apart all the time. but when I am not falling apart i make hard effort to get out and continue with my life. you hang in there because your not alone . (( hugs)).
Guest Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Can you talk to his parents or other family members and ask them to tell him to get help? He sounds dangerously depressed if he went so far as to get angry at his father that way. You could also, if he threatens to kill himself again, alert the authorities.
debilou Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 K, You can't save him. Believe me I tried. You have to take care of you. Don't believe everything he says. I don't want to sound hard but the truth is, he left, why? Who knows, one day you probably will know the truth and it will make you sick with anger. When you feel hopeless, get on LS and read, read, read. The stories are all the same with the names changed to protect the innocent. http://www.marriagebuilders.com is a great site also. Information is POWER and you need power to get through this. We're here for you, you'll see. Take care Debilou
Author KieraM Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 Hi~ Thank you for taking the time to read my whining and leaving supportive advice. I really appreciate it. Yesterday was our 3 year wedding anniversary. He came over for dinner, but he never said anything, even though we both knew what day it was. It was so stupid how we were dancing around the "safe" topics! Finally, as he was leaving, I told him, "happy anniversary." And he says ,"you too" and then stood there at the doorway. He says, "I'm sorry" and just stood there letting the bugs in the house! When I brought it to his attention, he stepped back in the house. Said sorry again. I didn't know what to say. I knew he was waiting for me to say, "It's okay. I forgive you! You're not hurting me on purpose!" and smile like I always do. How many times does he have to say sorry? When can I finally stop choking back tears as I say my "speech"? Sometimes, I wanna give up. But he's so sad!
Guest Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 To lose an important listener in life is like losing a shadow. With no shadow, does a person truly exist under the sun? With no listener, does a person really have a voice? Silence means so many things to human beings. Some of them are unbearable. To understand what love must be, if it exists, when parted, each feels the lack of the other half of ourselves. Incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence. Letting someone you love go on happens when enough time has passed. You cannot explain in words how feelings that once ran so deep, how thoughts about moments together seemed to last forever. How watching you, soaking in everything about you, your expressions, the way your mind worked, the way you made me laugh, your smile. The moment you said that you liked me, too, I felt my entire future was secure. In an instant, I felt complete. I needed no more from life than to live it with you and whatever obstacles came our way, it would all be all right. In the blink of an eye, you made the decision to end it. A phone call. I understand that we all have our own paths in life to take. When someone feels a deeper connection elsewhere, you let them go. You respect their decision, and are happy that they have found someone to share a life with. Because of you I know what love feels like. I wish you the best in life. I hope you have found what you've always wanted.
Author KieraM Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 I have no idea who you are, but what you wrote was so beautiful~
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