Can anyone be immune to an affair? I think I am...

[luvstarved]

I have read and heard that NOBODY is immune to an affair, but I actually think I am and I wonder if anyone else feels that way...

 

I feel this way because I have had a long rich "romantic" life (aka "wild past") and now only want my H (and him wanting me is a work in progress)...even at the worst of our problems, I only considered leaving and possibly down the road finding someone else to have a committed relationship with.

 

I do still find other people attractive, I am human...but I feel I know all too well the cost/benefit ratio of affairs and it entirely squashes any sense of temptation. I have a very healthy sex drive, so it isn't lack of interest, it's more a matter of BTDT and knowing it just ain't worth it, etc.

 

I entirely agree that MOST people are not immune to affairs, but I do think I may be an exception...anybody else?

[johan]

I agree with you.

[samsungxoxo]

Yea it would be fabulous if everyone was immune to affairs/cheatings. Unfortunately you're living in a world in which cheating is overrated.

 

As to tell whether I'm gonna get cheated on or not, I dunno, I won't say yes nor no. All I would say is that if I do, then it's a right away deal-breaker, solely his fault for it and I would be moving on easily, don't really think I would even be affected the slightest bit.

I'll be like "Oh well, whatever your lost and to the girl I guess I would be more like "No problem, you can have him for free".

[Adunaphel]

I think that being sure you are immune to something most people are not immune to can be dangerous.

 

but I feel I know all too well the cost/benefit ratio of affairs and it entirely squashes any sense of temptation. I have a very healthy sex drive, so it isn't lack of interest, it's more a matter of BTDT and knowing it just ain't worth it, etc.

 

After finding out (like anyone who has been involved in an affair - one either side) that morals can be not enough, being intelligent can be not enough, common sense can be not enough, I am seriously wondering whether experience - or a combination of intelligence, morals, love for your SO(if you are on the WS side), love for yourself(if you are on the OW side) AND experience can be enough to make you completely immune to an affair.

I actually doubt it.

 

Hey, I am personally sure you'll never cheat on your H (and you really sound like the kind of person who is less likely to cheat)- I'm just saying, be careful not letting your guard down. Not being sure you are immune to affairs, will make you imo even more immune to them. If it makes any sense.

[stoopid_guy]

I think that being sure you are immune to something most people are not immune to can be dangerous.

 

After finding out (like anyone who has been involved in an affair - one either side) that morals can be not enough, being intelligent can be not enough, common sense can be not enough, I am seriously wondering whether experience - or a combination of intelligence, morals, love for your SO(if you are on the WS side), love for yourself(if you are on the OW side) AND experience can be enough to make you completely immune to an affair.

I actually doubt it.

 

Hey, I am personally sure you'll never cheat on your H (and you really sound like the kind of person who is less likely to cheat)- I'm just saying, be careful not letting your guard down. Not being sure you are immune to affairs, will make you imo even more immune to them. If it makes any sense.

I agree, and a "wild past," especially if you enjoyed that period of your life, might make you even more eager to go back to that if there's friction with your SO.

[JamesM]

No offense intended, but no one is immune to an affair. When things are going good, it is always easier to say that we are.

 

I firmly believe that when you "know" or think that you will never have an affair, then you are most vulnerable. Not literally, but futuristically speaking. When you belive that you are immune, then you may not realize that the next step with another person is the next step that leads to an affair. If you believe that you are capable, the you will be more inlcined to stop before a relationship goes too far. JMO.

[luvstarved]

Welll...I kinda ended up really sick of that whole "wild" thing, to tell you the truth. A 5 year "open relationship" when I was very young, etc AND it isn't as though I haven't HAD an affair otherwise - I did once, even though I wasn't married, I was engaged and so was the guy, and THAT 18 months nearly killed me. But at that time, I knew my relationship was not going to last, it was just a matter of time. and it was entirely willful on my part, but I didn't bargain for the falling in love part!! I am also on my second marriage, been engaged 3 other times and with the "open" thing, had many other lovers besides.

 

One day, as an experiment, while considering my H's situation with a coworker that had me spooked, I very subtly sent out "signals" to a couple of people at my work and got just the response I expected. Nothing major, but enough to confirm just how receptive most of the world is. It was just that one day and I am sure these people just thought they must have misread me because I haven't given any out since and have no intention of it.

 

I seriously know how to play the game, but the game seems so predictable and obvious and well, crass, I guess that I just have no interest in that anymore. PLUS I actually do love my husband and just don't WANT anyone else. In some way, I guess I feel like I have already HAD them anyway. There is only so much variety out there...in my experience and I have been more often disappointed than pleasantly surprised by finally catching someone I pursued.

 

It isn't a matter of being on my guard. I KNOW the process and would recognize it. I do not think that I could "stumble" into a deepening "friendship" and let it go "too far". Really, the whole thing just seems so "unadmirable" for lack of being able to think of a better word...

 

But if I DO start an affair, I'm sure you guys will be among the first to know:laugh:

[catgirl1927]

Do you mean, is your relationship immune to an affair or are you personally immune to one?

 

Because I can say without hesitation that I would never cheat. I'm not the kind of person who sneaks around. I don't find it exciting, I find it sleazy, and I have a very low opinion of people who do that.

 

During my first marriage, right at the end when I was SO miserable, there was a guy at work to whom I was VERY attracted. He knew I was unhappy, and told a friend of mine he liked me, but I told her to tell him I was still married. Three months after my divorce, he called me and we got together and dated for a while. He broke my heart, because he was really young and it was too soon for me to be dating, I got too serious too fast. But I did have real feelings for him. But never, even for one moment, did I consider being unfaithful to my husband, even though he made it clear every day that he did not care about me. See, that would have made me trash. I am not trash.

 

I can't speak for my SO now. I of course don't think he would, because if I thought he was like that I wouldn't be with him. But I can't control what other people do.

[luvstarved]

Well, no not my relationship, just ME. Sadly, I think my H is vulnerable to one...even though he doesn't WANT one...he has never been in a longer than one year relationship -before me - and has not "been around" as much as I have and he doesn't know the signs and signals, etc. and truth be told, he just isn't that analytical and observant and I think things could get too crazy before he knew what was really going on..I know he would PROBABLY not do the ONS thing (the circumstances would have to be really weird) but definitely think he is vulnreable to "overbonding" and becoming emotionally overwrought!

[elijahBailey]

I entirely agree that MOST people are not immune to affairs, but I do think I may be an exception...anybody else?

 

you gotta ask yourself the question when your relationship is under stress, not when things are looking rosy and pretty.

 

I've seen friends of mine who proclaim that 'cheating' isn't in their vocabulary, but did otherwise later on. I think the human mind is deceptive. None of us can truly say we know ourselves. Oftentimes we find that we do things that surprise even ourselves.

 

I sometimes suspect that the surest way to make things happen is to predict that it will not.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I am immune

 

 

I truly feel that way. I have gone over in my head all the possible senerios of how it could happen...and everyone....I put myself in that place in my mind...

 

and my conscience takes over...as it always does....and I just dont think I could ever go thru with it....its just not worth it.

 

and for the record...I am a complete 180 from the OP.

 

Been with my wife since age 17....only had 3 other sexual partners prior to marriage andhave been faithful to wife ever since. Never did sow my oats so to speak.

 

So some would say I am prime for a sexual affair. Dont get me wrong, i think about it, but I just dont have it in me.

 

Even if I was put into a situation were it was a ONS....and no one would find out...no one would know...

 

BUT the thing is....I WOULD know...and God would know....and I couldnt live with that.

 

I have a deep conviction to the commitment I made.....yeah...my wife had an affair....so maybe thats against me too....but I still dont think I could ever go thru with it. Knowing what I know about affairs...and what I wnet thru and what my wife wnet thru.....I just could not betray her like that. As much as a revenge affair would feed my human anger...it would crush my spirit and my integrety...and I jsut cant do that to myself.

[Jane Doe]

I think that given the right time, the right place, the right circumstance and the right person, most anyone is vulnerable. We're human and we're weak.

[Pink_Tulip]

I think I am immune NOW, but only b/c I went through it and NEVER want to again. Plus, now I am aware of the signs, warning signals, dangers, etc.

 

I would agree tho, that saying you are immune is dangerous. I said the same thing myself. How I hated cheaters, they were scum, I would NEVER do that myself, etc. Then after years of my H completely ignoring and neglecting me, after years of begging for attention, counseling, etc, and nothing, someone comes along and pays attention to you... It is easy to say you'd never do something until you are faced with it. I was so desperate for attention, I was able to justify everything. The only reason mine was an EA was b/c my H found out before it went further.

 

I can look back now and see that even tho I was expressing a need, I wasn't doing it loud enough. I wasn't being strong enough. My H knew that as much as I complained, I wouldn't do anything about it, so he didn't need to change. If I were in that situation again, I'd have experience to guide me through it. I didn't have that then, only pain. And when someone comes along and makes you feel good for the first time in years, it's not something most people can turn down.

 

I also didn't have a message board then, or support. Maybe that is a differnce for you. If I had had a group of people kicking my butt and telling me what I needed to do, how I needed to be strong, stand up for myself, etc., maybe things would have worked out differently.

[bluetuesday]

I think that given the right time, the right place, the right circumstance and the right person, most anyone is vulnerable. We're human and we're weak.

 

i absolutely abhor this attitude. to suggest that human = weak is nonsense. being weak willed is a choice. where an affair is concerned it's a choice to act selfishly and a refusal to take responsibility for your actions under the pretence of 'i couldn't help it'.

 

some of us are in control sufficiently to make a different choice. one which prevents any action we don't want to engage in. it's called being responsible.

[JamesM]

I think that I personally right now as I type will never have an affair....but I know better than to say never.

 

It begins as a friendly smile during a time when the partner has shown less affection. It continues as more time spent together...at work or PTA or a club meeting. Then an invitation for coffee after the meeting just to get to know one another. Since you "know" you will not have an affair, you continue along the path..this will not be a problem. She may not even look that special. But as you begin to "get to know her," you realize that she is a good friend to talk with...and she does have that sparkle. The coffees become a thing to look forward to. You convince yourself that this is just a friendship....someone who can help during a time of loneliness. Then the person says "I am attracted to you"...or you begin to divulge personal details that reveal your loneliness...or both. Either way may come unexpectedly. She understands. She sympathizes. She agrees...you deserve better. Suddenly, you are forced to rationalize spending as much time with this fascinating person as you can. She looks better than any woman. She has that special glow. Her smile and admiring eyes make you feel young again. You feel a new enthusiasm for life. Life has become worth living...it is no longer boring. At the point that the person said she is attracted, you think no, I can not let it go farther, but you do...at least continue with the coffees. The special attention fills a hunger that is being unfulfilled at home.

 

Then one night after coffee, you go in with her to her house. First just a drink, then an accidental hug...maybe a brush of a kiss, then you want to feel that kiss a little stronger. It seems so right. She fits so perfectly. This woman has brought out feelings that you have never known before. You know this is wrong...it should be stopped, but you no longer want to...and convince yourself that you will...after this just once....tomorrow. And before you "know" it, you have gone all of the way. Once you have done this, rationalization kicks in...you are in love.

 

No, I have not been there. But the special attention paid to me by a woman or two...just a couple...has brought me to that stage of extra interest. Fortunately as a friend of mine said once, "Thank God that when the opportunity was there, I had no desire....and when the desire was there, there was no opportunity." I pray that it always stays this way.

 

I believe it is important to always think that this could go farther. And I firmly believe that it is important to think that I am totally capable of letting it go farther. Then I will be more inclined to stop it...if I remind myself that this momentary pleasure WILL be followed by longterm pain.

 

SG, you are correct...knowing that you could cheat could also be an excuse to cheat....BUT only if you really want to cheat. Fortunately for you...according to your story, your desire has never come when there is an opportunity, and the opportunity has never been there when you had a desire. This may be the reason to still see if your marriage can be changed. Interestingly enough, there still may be something that will change...been there, and never thought any change would have happened.

 

OP, persistence is the key. As when you prime a water pump, the next stroke may be the winner. Today there is no sex, tomorrow is a new day. I have often thought that if I knew I would have to go through four to six years of virtually no sex, I would have quit. But if someone had told me that things would change after that, I could have made it. When I "found" the solution to most of the problem within six months of really looking, I could not believe it. If someone had told me it would have taken six months, I would have been totally enthused. So, tomorrow may be the day that your life changes...or the next. And if you quit, you will never know.

[Jane Doe]

i absolutely abhor this attitude.

 

You can abhor it all you want. It's still my opinion.

[jonesgirly]

I've received the vaccine and know that I am immune.

 

The biggest part of the vaccine was respect for my H. Even though there were times that I was sad, mad, pissed, disappointed, or just plain 'ole 'not happy', the thought to escape to the promise of "something better" was just never there.

 

I respect him, I respect myself, and understand personal boundaries. I am personally a very private person, but for some reason cause those around me to spill their guts, and seek advice or comfort quite often (most people at work refer to me as 'mom'). I am fully conscious when offering my advice and have never behaved in a less-than respectful manner, especially since I work with mostly men.

 

There was a guy at my office who had a tendancy to bad-mouth or just offer TMI regarding his much younger wife. He even began a conversation with me once about how she didn't want sex as much as he did. Of course, my first response to him was "well, she's obviously got a boyfriend and is thinking of leaving you" (after all, that was truly his fear). He is one of those people who gets all red-faced and blotchy when he's upset (which he proceeded to do). After looking at him for a few minutes, I reminded him that his wife had recently been promoted at work, and was probably feeling a lot of stress. IN ADDITION..........I asked him how he thought his wife would feel if she was standing right behind him, listening to him complaining to his co-workers about her lack of interest in sex. I told him that I KNEW from life experience that she would be absolutely horrified and hurt that he would choose to share such intimate details of their marriage with co-workers.

 

There is a way to live, where you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you're true. That you wouldn't knowingly hurt another persons feelings, and you especially would never disrespect the person you married. Even when they're not looking.

 

Maybe its because I'm older (and yes, I had a couple of wild decades), or maybe its just because I'm wiser, because I learned from my experiences.

 

I'm not unrealistic, and have always found certain physical attributes in other men very attractive. However, I never looked for, or found, another persons physical attributes worth scrapping my H for.

 

There is nothing out there that I would gamble my H, or our relationship for. What could be better than physical, emotional, and mental intimacy? There is nothing better.

 

And you know it when you have it, don't even THINK about risking it, and never even think about how green the other grass may be..................although I can say now that THEY may not know it.

[jonesgirly]

I feel like a thread-killer. Must've been too heavy.

[Rooster_DAR]

I have read and heard that NOBODY is immune to an affair, but I actually think I am and I wonder if anyone else feels that way...

 

I feel this way because I have had a long rich "romantic" life (aka "wild past") and now only want my H (and him wanting me is a work in progress)...even at the worst of our problems, I only considered leaving and possibly down the road finding someone else to have a committed relationship with.

 

I do still find other people attractive, I am human...but I feel I know all too well the cost/benefit ratio of affairs and it entirely squashes any sense of temptation. I have a very healthy sex drive, so it isn't lack of interest, it's more a matter of BTDT and knowing it just ain't worth it, etc.

 

I entirely agree that MOST people are not immune to affairs, but I do think I may be an exception...anybody else?

 

Realisticly, I still think nobody is immune to an affair. With that said, I think people like yourself are very unlikely to engage in an affair due to the recognized consequences that it poses.

 

Great post, I am right in there with you!

[everlong]

interesting topic. thought i would jump in with a few thoughts. i am in my mid-forties and i would say 80% of the people i have known in my life have had an affair of one kind or another or one or more. about 7 years ago i realized that i am not the 'norm' - i have never had an affair and would never have one. i used to think that i was in the majority on this but i was wrong - i am in the minority. does that make me a better person? no. just different. i have seen friends have affairs at all stages in life [highschool, university, during marriages] and the only common trait i have noticed is that they all have the ability to 'suspend reality' - meaning that whatever it is they want or are experiencing is greater than anything else. some have simply done so because of ignorance, some because they lack basic empathy, some have for vindictive reasons, others because they were 'missing' something. and everyone acts differently. some hide the affair, some flaunt it, some blame others for theri actions, some think its is perfectly ok. i guess it boils down to this for me - i try to treat others how i would want them to treat me. and this involves the morals and values we carry unknownly inside us everyday. how we developed them is as complex as an affair itself. am i ammune to having an affair? yes. why do i know this? because i have had the opportunity to have many and the thought of acting on that never entered my mind. another clue is whether or not you 'initinate' the affair. i have had women 'come on to me' [and refused easily - even when i was in a miserable marriage] but i have never 'taken the lead'. i have seen friends 'showcase' their 'affairs' - like a prize, i have seen people of strong charater have an affair and 'blame it' on the lamest of excuses [i have needs!] and watched as they admitted that any excuse is simply avoiding fault. i have seen people cheat repeatly. i have seen people date other people at the same time and not consider it cheating. i have seen people 'fall in love' with a cheater and believe that this person is wonderful [duh! they are cheating! nice start to a relationship]. i have seen people who cheat displace their guilt with anger onto those they cheated on. i have been told that 'because i don't cheat - i am defective'. but the main thing i have noticed is cheaters are judgemental - they see the world in a certain way, while those who don't, look like fools to them. its like the rich looking down on the poor because they simply don't need a new car every year. some people are simply happy with what they have and some people love others in such a way that doing something like that simply is impossible. i guess, in the end, we are all unique and follow our own path. one is not right, one is not wrong - own path is just that - ours.

[Guest]

JamesM's got it exactly right. Your very certainty that you're immune will lead you into situations you think you can control. And you may find that you were wrong.

 

i absolutely abhor this attitude. to suggest that human = weak is nonsense. being weak willed is a choice. where an affair is concerned it's a choice to act selfishly and a refusal to take responsibility for your actions under the pretence of 'i couldn't help it'.

 

Very often, it's more like 'I never saw it coming'. Because people fall in love without meaning to. And they do so because they think that 'just being friends' is easy and safe. So they try it, thinking they're immune.

[RecordProducer]

I am not gay, I am not gay, I am not gay... I am really NOT... I am telling you... I am immune to being gay... you don't believe me?

 

Luv, just because you don't feel the urge to do it doesn't mean you're immune to it. The fact that this thought came to your mind and you are answering a question that you silently posed to yourself (whether you're immune or not) tells me that you're subconsciously considering it.

 

Finally, most women don't actively look for affairs. They develop slowly from the phase where they are dissatisfied with their marriages through friendship, developing emotions, the feeling of being desirable and wanted... to the stage where you say to yourself "you only live once and my husband is an ass that neglects me anyway."

 

Love and sexual desire are magical. First you think you could never do it to your partner. Then you develop feelings for someone else and the feelings for your spouse go down. Then you are led by your hormones to give in. It hasn't happened to me though... yet.

[johan]

I have read and heard that NOBODY is immune to an affair, but I actually think I am and I wonder if anyone else feels that way...

...

 

I entirely agree that MOST people are not immune to affairs, but I do think I may be an exception...anybody else?

 

You obviously are extremely interested in having an affair. Otherwise you wouldn't be issuing challenges like this.

[JamesM]

There is nothing out there that I would gamble my H, or our relationship for. What could be better than physical, emotional, and mental intimacy? There is nothing better.

 

Famous last words. How we think that we will always feel the same way every day. No, you do not feel that way today, but tomorrow may just bring that very person who will become your "knight in shining armor." Your husband may begin to feel less love for you, his attention may be elsewhere...work or sports. You will need someone to talk with. This new person may just fill that void...and before you know it, you have gone much farther than you ever thought.

 

Do you really think that six months before an affair..or even a month ...that everyone has just known that an affair was just around the corner?

 

To quote the wise RP,

 

Finally, most women don't actively look for affairs. They develop slowly from the phase where they are dissatisfied with their marriages through friendship, developing emotions, the feeling of being desirable and wanted... to the stage where you say to yourself "you only live once and my husband is an ass that neglects me anyway."

[RecordProducer]

Plus your username is LOVE-STARVED!