Do they try to make you think you're crazy?

[SomeGirl1955]

I have suspected my h of being involved with someone else for a few months now. I violated the first rule (according to what I have read on this board) of questionning his behavior that didn't seem to add up, then about a month ago I outright asked him if he was seeing someone else. I have been trying to spice up the sex, which has declined, but he still doesn't seem all that interested, or at least not like he was several months ago. Now as of a week ago I have totally reversed and don't question anything. But HE won't leave it alone. He still makes comments about me being insanely jealous and snoopy and has even made a few comments like maybe he thinks I am literally losing my mind, saying stuff like I am getting short term memory loss (even though he has to ask ME to give him some of his friends phone numbers from my memory cause HE doesn't remember them). He has grown very secretive and private the past month too. He now usually leaves his cell in the car to charge, where he used to bring it in to charge. Rarely brings it in anymore. He freaked this morning because I asked him (while he was in the bathroom if he remember to put something in his lunch. He answered me, but I couldn't understand what he said, so I opened the paper sack and looked. He came out of the bathroom right then and started ragging me about being so suspicious I was looking in his lunch sack. I told him I asked about something whether he remembered it or not and he said he answered me. I said, it's JUST a paper sack with lunch, what is the big deal? He then accused me of looking in his car windows. Now, the car is parked right next to where mine is so I guess I DO look down in his car from time t o time, but frankly I'm afraid to open the door anymore for anything cause he accuses me of snooping, even if he is in it and I walk out to talk to him a minute before he drives away. Now i Am paranoid to get anywhere near his stuff, however, I might point out that if he needs me to go fetch something out of his car (and he tells me exactly where it is and I hurry and don't look at anything else or appear to --fine) or do some paperwork for him, then he wants me ALL in his businessl. I need opinions about this. Something about this just seems very off the wall to me, although I am trying to keep in perspective that maybe he is just being defensive because I voiced suspicions and he is hurt I don't trust him or something. I need advice.

[Rooster_DAR]

My thought;

 

He is up to no good and your gut instincts are right. I don't know you so I can't determine if your suffering some emotional dilemna, but if you feel like you are a reasonably sane person, you are probably correct in your feelings.

 

People who really love eachother and have nothing to hide do exactly that. The questioning by you and his standoff behaviour are huge signs that something is going on (don't let them make you feel like your the insane one).

 

Keep us posted, but make sure you don't keep pushing him. Back off, and if he is up to no good he will make some big mistakes.

 

Regards,

[Rooster_DAR]

BTW,

 

Cellphones are a huge RED flag when they start being secretive about them, read other posts about cell phones and cheating.

 

Regards,

[SomeGirl1955]

Oh, I forgot to say been married nearly 5 years but no suspicions whatsoever till the past few months. Also I used to be able to go to his car to look for a pen or for any reason at all and he never cared. Now, seldom in his car period--if we go anywhere as a couple it is usually in my car. But having said that, I don't think he would be stupid enough to leave anything in his car for me to find anyway, even if I looked. I have no idea how I could catchi him if he is cheating, especially now.

[silktricks]

I can tell you that my 1st husband constantly accused me of being crazy - seeing things that didn't exist, etc. By the time I divorced him (for the adultery that he was telling me I was crazy about) I was lucky I still had any mental capacity at all!

[jonesgirly]

take a look at the online cellphone bills.....usually pretty obvious (if you can gain access). BUT....DON'T confront with flimsy 'evidence' that he can deny (they ALWAYS do).

[Rooster_DAR]

take a look at the online cellphone bills.....usually pretty obvious (if you can gain access). BUT....DON'T confront with flimsy 'evidence' that he can deny (they ALWAYS do).

 

They will always turn things around and make you look like the bad person. I found out exactly the way that jonesgirly suggested, I got the password from her cellphone and logged into the ISP website. What I found was exactly what my intuiton was telling me.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this, but it's very common these days.

[outofdarkness]

I have suspected my h of being involved with someone else for a few months now. I violated the first rule (according to what I have read on this board) of questionning his behavior that didn't seem to add up, then about a month ago I outright asked him if he was seeing someone else. I have been trying to spice up the sex, which has declined, but he still doesn't seem all that interested, or at least not like he was several months ago. Now as of a week ago I have totally reversed and don't question anything. But HE won't leave it alone. He still makes comments about me being insanely jealous and snoopy and has even made a few comments like maybe he thinks I am literally losing my mind, saying stuff like I am getting short term memory loss (even though he has to ask ME to give him some of his friends phone numbers from my memory cause HE doesn't remember them). He has grown very secretive and private the past month too. He now usually leaves his cell in the car to charge, where he used to bring it in to charge. Rarely brings it in anymore. He freaked this morning because I asked him (while he was in the bathroom if he remember to put something in his lunch. He answered me, but I couldn't understand what he said, so I opened the paper sack and looked. He came out of the bathroom right then and started ragging me about being so suspicious I was looking in his lunch sack. I told him I asked about something whether he remembered it or not and he said he answered me. I said, it's JUST a paper sack with lunch, what is the big deal? He then accused me of looking in his car windows. Now, the car is parked right next to where mine is so I guess I DO look down in his car from time t o time, but frankly I'm afraid to open the door anymore for anything cause he accuses me of snooping, even if he is in it and I walk out to talk to him a minute before he drives away. Now i Am paranoid to get anywhere near his stuff, however, I might point out that if he needs me to go fetch something out of his car (and he tells me exactly where it is and I hurry and don't look at anything else or appear to --fine) or do some paperwork for him, then he wants me ALL in his businessl. I need opinions about this. Something about this just seems very off the wall to me, although I am trying to keep in perspective that maybe he is just being defensive because I voiced suspicions and he is hurt I don't trust him or something. I need advice.

yup...all of the posters are correct, in my opinion. He will try to make you feel like you are crazy and also come right out and say that you are acting crazy, paranoid, etc..Also, my H would forget what he had said to me and what he had said to the OWs...He would swear up and down that he had told me something, and it was the OW that he had told.

 

I agree that the whole cell phone issues are big red flags...I trusted my H 100 percent, and really never thought about checking his cell phone, looking in his car, etc..When I finally got a letter in the mail from the main OW, I did check his cell and she was #1 on his speed dial, then came the 2nd OW and then me! I also got out copies of the bill, I had not even bothered to look at the calls, just paid the damn thing...Like I said, I trusted him completely...There were calls to numerous numbers...the same #'s every month...to the same women..Re: His car...Don't be so sure that you would not find anything in it. Cheaters get sloppy and hide things in wierd places in their cars. Also, check his odometer...If you know the approximate mileage on it every day, you can tell if he's up to no good by monitoring this..

 

Most of all, like everyone else said..TRUST YOUR GUT!!! 9 times out of 10 it is correct...

 

Good luck...

[Rooster_DAR]

You know what's funny, when I picked up my exes phone when a message came in, I saw it was from a guy (no names mentioned) who I suspected. I talked to her rationaly about this and asked her if I could see or hear the message. My thoughts were if it was innocent, then there would be no problem. Got turned around and make me look like a paranoid insecure fool and at some points I really believed I was nuts.

 

A few weeks later, I got a call on my cellphone and she got freaked and thought some girl was calling me. Know what I did? I gave her the phone and asked her to listen to the message.

 

I had nothing to hide, and I didn't mind proving that.

 

Case closed, point made.

[Freedom Now]

One of the cruelest things people can do is make their partner feel crazy when, in actuality, their gut instinct is, in fact, correct.

 

You cannot navigate in the world you are living in when this is going on.

 

It is your gut vs. him. Crazy, crazymaking behavior.

 

Follow your instincts on this. Your instincts are usually right on.

 

I am sorry for your pain.

[luvstarved]

This is funny because I have recently worried about my H, not being in an affair, but being in a situation that could lead to one and it has struck me how TYPICAL it is for people to deflect the spotlight, whether there is anything to expose or not.

 

Now I am backing off on saying anything to my H about my fears, mostly because there isn't any evidence to support them at this point. I have been snooping and found nothing (even checked his work cell phone which I found in his car and it was all on the up and up).

 

But he has STILL behaved in the standard defensive mode, suggesting that I am "obsessing" and calling me "paranoid" (even though everyone on the board thought my suspicions were dead on) and even using the term "self-fulfilling prophecy". AND going out of his way to downplay his interactions with this woman, etc.

 

I told him today that I was just responding normally to clear red flags but that since they appeared to be false alarms, I was letting it go. My gut would tell me a lot more if I could be a fly on the wall at his work, but my gut does tell me to stay on secret alert.

 

I wonder if it is possible that innocent people trot out the same accusations of paranoia, etc so readily, and go out of their way to reassure their spouse, beyond what the spouse has asked for, etc. I have interpreted his "paranoia" and "self-fulfilling prophecy" talk as red flags, but since he is obviously not CURRENTLY up to anything, I now wonder whether it is just coincidence or still a sign of "unsavory thinking" on his part.

 

Jeez, I hate head games.

[HUMMINGBIRDLOVE]

My BF is doing the same thing to me I am a very jealous person but only about women on movies or tv I know it is crazy but it is a real hurt that I feel but...I have been trying to ignore my jealous tendencies and he still makes comments about me being jealous or insecure when I am not saying anything I think he likes the attention

[Simpleplan]

My husband of 25 years recently did the same thing to me. He told me that I was psychotic and that I should go to a doctor for help. I needed the help. He's the one that needs help now. Cause he stands to loose everything that we have together worked so hard at...3 beautiful kids, grandson, home, friends, extended family etc. He is out there trying to figure out what he wants. I know this sounds bad...but unfortunatly his work takes him by were the OW lives and he started this affair {by phone records}in June and although he claims its over, the phone records tell it all. He continues to lie to me and the kids. So, as he is out there trying to figure himself out, I am getting myself stronger and trying to get on with my life as well as preparing for a D. We have been 2x to a MC but he has had to go back out of town and so I am continuing with the C myself for myself. It has only been like 22 days since I first found the text messages on his cell phone and confronted him with what was a gut feeling. There were no real signs and I never had a reason to not trust him. Believe me, this is the hardest thing that I think anyone can go through. I managed to get the company account number for the cell phone account from a friend of mine that works for phone co. , had the tax id from the w-2 form and husbands phone number. I then went into the business account and formed an online access account for viewing. I was so nervous, all the information from price to access to all the company employee phone numbers were there. Looked up husbands and was able to go back 3 bills. Terrible what I saw, but this shows me that I was not crazy and that he is very sick...He would talk to this girl {20 years younger than he} for long periods of time...sometimes for hours long. He never even could spend that kind of time with his own family.

Also, confirms that he is still communicating with her, not as much, but he still is. I will not show these to him, as I will let him continue to hang himself. I have more posted about all this crap on the thread titled "25 years and husband had affair...Pain". What are the statistics of affair where the man is 48 and the woman is 28? Do you think that they could work out. I just would like to know that...

[jmargel]

When my wife was doing things behind my back all she kept on telling me was 'You're crazy, you're paranoid, what is wrong with you?'. Denying things then that I've seen with my own eyes. She still would use those words even after I had proof.

 

I tell ya, she was persistant, anytime I had her cornered with an agrument regarding things that were going on she would resort to getting angry, defensive, name calling & then comments about how I'm losing it. She would threaten me & become very immature. It wasn't until I talked to two different psychologists that both told me those were CERTAIN signs that something was going on.

 

I tried the approach of being sweet and then being mean. Neither worked. Things didn't start to turn around until one morning when I just snapped. I told her I wanted a divorce & wanted her out of the house. She always threatened to leave, especially when I brought up the issues of her possibily cheating on me, so I figured she would jump at the chance to leave. I was very surprised when she stood there like a deer in headlights after I told her & when she said she wasn't leaving. I demanded that she go for now I knew I had the upper hand. Either I got full disclosure on what was going on & have it stopped or the marriage was done with.

 

I wasn't able to even do this until someone here mentioned about reading the book 'Tough love'. It works like a charm. Don't back down to his anger or his threats. That's what he wants you to do because as long as he can do this & make you stop with the questions he can continue his cheating.

 

From what you told me (there are two sides to every story) I would have reason to be concerned. You have EVERY right to his cell phone.. Better yet look at the bill online. You can contact your carrier (usually just goto their website) and sign up. Don't let him know this, don't give up the info you have. Right now it feels like a spy vs spy, but every couple who has a cheating partner goes through this.

 

You have every right to know what's going on so you can make the decision to either leave or to get things resolved. Don't let up on this, don't cower and don't be afraid to throw him out of the house. Trust me, follow this course and you'll get answers.

[outofdarkness]

My husband of 25 years recently did the same thing to me. He told me that I was psychotic and that I should go to a doctor for help. I needed the help. He's the one that needs help now. Cause he stands to loose everything that we have together worked so hard at...3 beautiful kids, grandson, home, friends, extended family etc. He is out there trying to figure out what he wants. I know this sounds bad...but unfortunatly his work takes him by were the OW lives and he started this affair {by phone records}in June and although he claims its over, the phone records tell it all. He continues to lie to me and the kids. So, as he is out there trying to figure himself out, I am getting myself stronger and trying to get on with my life as well as preparing for a D. We have been 2x to a MC but he has had to go back out of town and so I am continuing with the C myself for myself. It has only been like 22 days since I first found the text messages on his cell phone and confronted him with what was a gut feeling. There were no real signs and I never had a reason to not trust him. Believe me, this is the hardest thing that I think anyone can go through. I managed to get the company account number for the cell phone account from a friend of mine that works for phone co. , had the tax id from the w-2 form and husbands phone number. I then went into the business account and formed an online access account for viewing. I was so nervous, all the information from price to access to all the company employee phone numbers were there. Looked up husbands and was able to go back 3 bills. Terrible what I saw, but this shows me that I was not crazy and that he is very sick...He would talk to this girl {20 years younger than he} for long periods of time...sometimes for hours long. He never even could spend that kind of time with his own family.

Also, confirms that he is still communicating with her, not as much, but he still is. I will not show these to him, as I will let him continue to hang himself. I have more posted about all this crap on the thread titled "25 years and husband had affair...Pain". What are the statistics of affair where the man is 48 and the woman is 28? Do you think that they could work out. I just would like to know that...

my experience is that most of the time, they don't work out...but there are always exceptions. He does sound sick...I mean mabey addicted? Those types have alot of trouble being in committed relationships..It's an obsessive thing where they actually get a "high" from the rush of sneaking around, etc...Just some thoughts...You sound good...Keep up the good work on yourself..Yes, he does stand to loose alot, and probrably won't realize until it's all gone..

[Simpleplan]

I wasn't able to even do this until someone here mentioned about reading the book 'Tough love'. It works like a charm. Don't back down to his anger or his threats. That's what he wants you to do because as long as he can do this & make you stop with the questions he can continue his cheating.

You have every right to know what's going on so you can make the decision to either leave or to get things resolved. Don't let up on this, don't cower and don't be afraid to throw him out of the house. Trust me, follow this course and you'll get answers.

 

Who was this book "Tough Love" written by? Thanks for your words...