MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 My bf of 5 months is acting like a jerk. I've been learning things about him that I am finding very unattractive like laziness and unwillingness to go out of his way for most people (friends and me included). He makes me feel like I owe him after he helps me out and it's not that I don't repay him with sex, cooking dinners, sincere thank-yous, just once I'd like him to be HAPPY to help me out. This weekend I need him to drive me to the airport very early in the morning. He is already joking about putting me in a cab and then says if I want him to drive me I'd better suck hard (meaning BJ the night before). I'm ready to just ask my parents to drive me and stay at their place. I want to reply to his last email and typed this much: "I am sorry if I am putting you out and asking you to do something you really don't want to do. You should know that I appreciate it when you help me out and I try to show it in more ways than just sex. If you really don't want to drive me to the airport I can get my dad to do it, and I can stay at their place. I don't want you to do anything for me if you are always going make me feel like I owe you." but I was almost in tears after that, and I hate using email for fighting LOL. It just sucks. I won't see him until tomorrow night (he's 40 min away) and well, I just don't want to feel like I owe him a BJ, or anything. What guy wouldn't want to give his gf a ride to the airport? Oh yeah, I bought a new car and have not sold my old one, and it's at his place and he keeps drivng it all over, so not like I haven't already repaid him for driving me to the airport. Any suggestions for rewording my email or wait until I call him tonight (or until he calls me?)
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 He is being a jerk.. No way in the world should you feel like you have top repay him for anything like a ride to the airport or anything for that matter In your email I would just say " We need to talk " and let it go like that until you can talk to him face to face.. We guys hate that phrase and it will make him do a double take as to what is going on By the way.. Is your divorce final yet ? the reason I'm asking is that he may be feeling some resentment for dating someone that is married/seperated since you are commited to another legally an he might see that as an issue but not tell you.. so it might come out as smart-assed language
Adunaphel Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Are you 100% sure he has not just a very weird sense of humour? It is probably a stupid question to ask, I guess you would know since you have been together so long - but any chances it could just be a tasteless joke? I personally like how you worded the email - probably it would be better to have a talk about it in person, but if it will make you feel better, I'd say send it. His reaction will probably tell you quite a lot. My bf of 5 months is acting like a jerk. I've been learning things about him that I am finding very unattractive like laziness and unwillingness to go out of his way for most people (friends and me included). It would take quite a lot of very nice qualities to balance such unpleasant traits - I hope he is a person worth having a relationship with. Is this a very recent thing, that could be perhaps explained (depression, he is having a bad time, he is stressed) or is it "in character" with his personality?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 The divorce isn't final, and hasn't been filed yet (due to time and money). We are definitely getting one, and I am quite sure that isn't the issue with bf. I would go along with the other poster that it is his weird sense of humour but it still ticks me off and he's been doing it more lately. Yes, "we need to talk". I've been saying that in my head for a few weeks but can't get the words out. If there's any stress or depression it's on my part, not his. I have a million things going on right now and the more he resists doing these niceties the more I resent him. But it's not like I am always asking him to do stuff either. I have a long list of things that have been bugging me but if I brought them up every time, it'd be like "we need to talk" every day, so I leave things alone. I can't change him, and I know I have to decide if he's the one I want. I had some reno's done and he helped me move some furniture one day, for about an hour or two. Then he sat on the couch while I dusted, vaccuumed, organized all the non-furniture items, then he left and I made dinner, did the dishes and finally sat down after 8 hrs. He was going to be back around 9pm and showed up at 11:45pm (and he still got sex, go figure). The next morning I thanked him for helping and he said "ya you OWE me" god I felt like kicking his a$$ right then and there. So ya maybe he's not the guy for me eh? It's just a ****ty time right now, I don't think I can deal with a break up for another month when things slow down a bit for me. I won't send the email, I feel better just venting here thanks. But I will talk to thim.
Walk Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 I was thinking the "we need to talk" should be followed with "Here's the crap you left at my house, don't call me again." (Sound of door slamming in his face) That kind of behavior really irks me! More than most things irk me. If the guy isn't happy with what you give in return, then he better learn how to address it. If he is happy with what you "repay" him with, then you'd think he'd be jumping through hoops to help you more often. I have found that the people who feel they need to remind someone to "pay up" are the ones who always "forget" to repay when it's their turn. Always quick to point out what you owe them, very forgetful when they owe you... I think I'd say something to him.. very next time he even mentions you "owing him", tell him "Please stop. I don't find it funny. I am the type of person who repays my debts and I take it seriously. I don't need reminding." I'm really passive aggressive, so at that point I would do everything within my power to ensure he couldn't do a single thing for me for a very long time. If it meant I had to sleep at the airport over night... I'd do that over having him help me. He'd have to offer an apology or some kind of rational discussion explaination that he realized he'd pushed the line too far.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 This is what I sent to him: Maybe you are just trying to be funny but I'm not laughing. If it doesn't make you happy to do something nice for me without making me feel like I owe you, then I'm sorry if I'm putting you out and asking you to do something you really don't want to do. You should know that I appreciate it when you help me out and I try to show it in more ways than just sex. If you really don't want to drive me to the airport I can get my dad to do it, and I can stay at their place. Then he replied with: Can`t you take a joke?I already said I'd drive you,and I wasn`t expecting sex as some sort of payment.If you are having a bad day at work don't take it out me So I said "Work is fine." and left it at that. He didn't call my so I called him at 10pm and he was in bed so I said "weren't you even going to call me" and he said he thought I'd lay into him again. So I told him that I can't help how I "feel" and that's how I felt so he kept saying I said I'd drive you, so then I said You still haven't said that you WANT to drive me, so he finally said it. Yep, we need to talk, so I am staying at his place tonight (there will be sex but definitely no BJ! Hey, I need it too!) I want to bring up some other instances but not get into an argument, just talk. Any suggestions how to not sound bicthy? I have other things I need to concentrate on this weekend, and don't want this all in my head. This is weird being on the other side...In the past I was all about me, and now I'm with someone who seems to be all about himself, and I'm trying to be understanding because that's the way some people are without realizing it. I dont ask for much, but I don't want to be taken advantage of.
Art_Critic Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Then he replied with: Can`t you take a joke?I already said I'd drive you,and I wasn`t expecting sex as some sort of payment.If you are having a bad day at work don't take it out me Nice email by the way.. But his response was not " I'm sorry " instead it was blame shifting to you.. He made you the bad guy for how it went down.. He first blames it on you that you cannot take a joke then says he already said he would take you without any payment then blames it on you again that you are having a bad day.. what is next ? he mentions you are pms'ng ? Don't take responsibility for other peoples actions.. sit him down and make him responsibile for his own actions
2sunny Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Life is too short to be disregarded in this way! What next? More abusive behavior - I suppose. A partner is supposed to lift you up and make you feel BETTER. The good should ALWAYS outweigh the bad. He seems to be bringing you down waaaay too much. Kick him to the curb and buy a good vibrator.
Art_Critic Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Kick him to the curb and buy a good vibrator. Sunny.. you sound like an ex of mine... hahaha
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Nice email by the way.. what is next ? he mentions you are pms'ng ? Don't take responsibility for other peoples actions.. sit him down and make him responsibile for his own actions Uhhh yes, he did mention that. He said "what's going on. you bleeding or somethin" because last week I really was pms'ing and he knew it (I hate when guys ask if a woman is pms'ing even if it's true). But u'r right that is no excuse. I also made a suggestion that he come out here and pick me up in my vehicle that is for sale, so that I don't have to leave both vehicles at his place. That way I can bring it home and try to sell it here. His response was that he wanted to use it while he fixes his truck and he could park my new vehicle in his garage. I'm still pissed that he wouldn't do that for me and will bring that up tonight too. You know, he's been putting miles on my old vehicle while I drive my new one, so I should be the one with two vehicles, not him. I'm going to tell him if he wants me to leave it there, he can pay me for the insurance. Now i'm getting mad LOL I think I know why he is like that. He once told me that his ex and her mother always expected him to do stuff (move this, truck that, fix this, etc etc) and I wasn't impressed that he didn't like being helpful but gave him the benefit of the doubt that they were overdemanding and he'd had too much of it. So maybe he just doesn't want me to think I can demand all this and that of him, and we'll talk about that too. But I can smell the end is near, or the beginning of something better maybe but won't hold my breath. P.S. I've never gotten flowers and that was one of the things in his profile "flowers for no reason" maybe he thought that meant getting flowers
Art_Critic Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I think I know why he is like that. He once told me that his ex and her mother always expected him to do stuff (move this, truck that, fix this, etc etc) and I wasn't impressed that he didn't like being helpful but gave him the benefit of the doubt that they were overdemanding and he'd had too much of it. So maybe he just doesn't want me to think I can demand all this and that of him, and we'll talk about that too. I'm really a resourceful person with my hands and can fix or build anything.. There is no way that I would consider the girl I was dating out of that loop.. In fact.. the fact that she is my GF puts her in that loop for me to do things for her that I am good at.. I think most normal guys are like me.. P.S. I've never gotten flowers and that was one of the things in his profile "flowers for no reason" maybe he thought that meant getting flowers there ya go .. flowers are not expensive and all about how you feel about someone.. If I'm really into a girl or she has opened the door to my heart I give her flowers all the time.. and I mean all the time.. I hope you can nail him down and work this thru with him.. you seem to want it to work out...Good Luck..
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