Tension with boyfriend

[Guest]

I am writing because I need some advice on how to proceed with my boyfriend. He and I have been living together for seven years. It's amazing how sometimes I feel like I barely know him or what to expect/how to respond.

 

I really, really care about him. But he's not an easy guy to love. Never has been though, that's not what I signed up for. Lately he has had a tremendous amount of stress going on - ill parent, trouble at work, friends moving away etc. He's not normally an affectionate guy, and isn't the most approachable, but generally I can live with that. Lately, however, I feel like the tension has been escalating.

 

Last night, things blew up. I came home and there was a lime green referral sheet for a medical test on our kitchen table. I looked at it/read it, w/out knowing what it was. When I saw it, I was really concerned. When he got home, I asked him about it. He completely flipped on me, told me that I had invaded his privacy, and basically to get the hell away from him. He slept on the couch, and I struggled to sleep all night.

 

Let me start by saying that my intention was absolutely NOT to be intrusive. It was out in the open on the kitchen table. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have said anything. But I feel lik ewe have a near constant lack of communication/connection sometimes, and thought that I would try the direct approach versus waiting for him to talk or trying to see if I could get him to bring it up.

 

Communication is really hard. I've pretty much stopped communicating my thoughts or feelings on anything to do with the relationship. I tend to either get a. anger b. "you're wrong"/invalidated c. ignored. Last night was some combination of the two. Now he will not communicate with me and is pretending I don't exist. I know from experience that I could be in for a few weeks of the silent treatment. I just don't have the energy to do this right now. My intention was not at all bad, even if the result was, I apologized profusely....

 

I don't know what to do. I'm looking for insight into how to handle the current situation. He doesn't want me to bother him, and if I communicate any feelings (frustration about the way he treats me when he's angry, lack of communication) it would just be horrible. Do I just pretend like nothings wrong until he's ready to talk, or just pretend it didn't happen? Nevermind the fact that I'm worried sick he might have a medical issue.

 

Any thoughts or Advice appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Elizabeth

[Walk]

There are good sides to staying with him? He doesn't sound like he'd be worth the struggle... why do you want to resolve this?

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. If it was private, then it shouldn't have been lying on the table. I'm all for privacy within a relationship, but you have to at least make a minor effort to put it out of sight... It's retarded he would even suggest it was "private" when it was in plain veiw and located in a room both of you access frequently.

 

To me, it sounds as if he's using it as an excuse to vent his anger/frustration/whatever... onto you.

 

So... If he's this pleasant to live with, then why do you stay? Why do you want to work it out? 7 years is a long time to have to deal with this kind of mentality. Do you set boundaries for him and stick to them? Or basically attempt to appease him? I don't mean that condenscendingly.. basically, do you try to ride the storm out instead of sticking up for yourself more forcefully?

[Guest]

There are good sides to him....he can be fun, funny, amazingly supportive. But he has a whole other side of his personality.

 

I am afraid that my approach very much has become the "riding out the storm" model. It makes me sad to say that, but I've had such bad results from trying other things....

 

Those interactions make me feel so bad, in general, about myself. I don't really want to put myself through that. That being said, however, I'm a bright, professional, interesting woman who wants to be thriving, not surviving, in this important area of my life. I feel like we need help....while I'm focused on this one incident, it's probably symptomatic of bigger stuff.