Crazy thoughts during NC???

[Baileykeg]

Ok, it's day three of NC for me. This is the longest we've ever been able to maintain NC. We agreed to a period of NC thinking that would make it somewhat easier on both of us knowing that there would be a time in a month that we could see where we are and what we want to do next. Maybe that's a stupid idea. I just don't know. He needs to figure out whether or not he's going to get a divorce and I can't be part of his life while he does that.

 

Anyway, I wanted to ask some of you who are more experienced at NC....did you go through a range of mixed feelings? I've gone from missing him so badly to being angry at him for putting our relationship through this while he "decides" what to do. Part of me feels like I'm building a wall around my heart to protect myself for when we meet after our period of NC. I don't know what will happen when we see each other again. I want so badly for it to be the fairytale ending but yet I fear that he will either come back and say he just can't get divorced or it will be more of the same of...I'm just not ready to get divorced. I feel like these "fears" that I'm having are smothering the love that I have and it's making me very confused.

 

Thoughts?

[PoshPrincess]

Hi Bailey, I'm probably not the best person to respond but I went through NC with my MM and we are now back in touch again, albeit sporadically. I just couldn't do it. It hurts like hell everytime I put the phone down after talking to him (our contact is on a 'friends' basis) but it hurt far more when we went NC. I missed him like crazy. We managed about three weeks, although we have tried many times but that was the longest. I shall never go NC again unless he tells me he doesn't love me and knows he won't leave; then I would have to accept it and move on as there would be no point in staying in touch with him knowing he would never be with me exclusively.

 

I just think every situation is different. I do agree with many posts on here that say go NC and if they want you and miss you that much then they will leave but in my case, the more I am in MMs life, the more he wants me and I do feel that I am slowly getting there, although only time will tell. He is so scared of hurting his kids that when I am not in the picture he TRIES to put me out of his mind (although he still maintains that he thinks of me ALL the time) and hopes that I will forget about him so that he doesn't have to make a choice. You could look at this like he's a coward but also that he's very brave by putting his children's long term happiness before his own. Trouble is, coming from a family where the father stayed for years 'for the sake of the kids' even though he was totally miserable, I know staying is not always the best thing. Unfortunately, he has to work this out for himself.

 

NC is SO hard but best of luck if you can do it. Maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance! I hope you have more strength than I did.

[Baileykeg]

Thanks Posh. I totally understand how you are feeling right now and I wish you the strength that it takes just to get through every day. I know a lot of people say do NC but I think in both of our situations that NC is probably more difficult because there isn't that clear line in the sand that gives us the strength to stay w/NC. Our MMs love us but are "confused" about what they want to do. That, I think makes it harder for us. Like you've said, if things were clearer it would be easier. It's so hard to just cut things off and "move on" with my life when I have so much hope that he will come to me one day soon and want only me. I love him and don't want to give up that hope.

[Freedom Now]

I understand where you both are...

 

But, let me give you some food for thought:

 

WHY would these MM make a decision between you and their wives if they have both you AND their wives?

 

There is no reason to change....he has the best of both worlds.

 

He gets two women and you get half a man.

 

Not a very good trade off in my book.

[sapphire0903]

Hi Baily

The thoughts will be there,.......to call him, to not call him, will he stay, will he leave.............pure torture.

I am not in NC, however, remaining friends.

Yesterday I was kind of numb

Today is a good day,....feeling optimistic. Not about MM re-entering my life, but about my life in general.

I think I have talked myself into accepting He is married, Iam divorced,.......what the hell am I waiting on????

Dont get me wrong, I love him dearly, and if he tells me things are not going to work with his wife, I would jump right back in !

Point is, everyday is different, and you have to take care of yourself first!!!

MAKE YOURSELF THINK OF SOMETHING OR SOMEONE ELSE WHEN HE POPS IN YOUR MIND!!!!!!!

Keep Busy, make a list of things around the house you need to get done, and FOCUS.

Spend time with friends, family, people who love you.

If you can, get a facial or massage, anything to make yourself feel good again...........I know......go shopping, and get a cute outfit go out for drinks with your friends and show it off!!

Also, post on here when you feel the need, even if you don't get alot of responses, you will get some, and you know you are not alone!!

Take care!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I understand where you both are...

 

But, let me give you some food for thought:

 

WHY would these MM make a decision between you and their wives if they have both you AND their wives?

 

There is no reason to change....he has the best of both worlds.

 

He gets two women and you get half a man.

 

Not a very good trade off in my book.

 

FREEDOM,

 

Wow, you just sound so logical and strong on every single post!!

I just admire all your words!

 

Crazy thoughts?? Oh yeah! Plenty! hah!

 

Like right now - I don't feel like going on living any more. How does that sound?

 

But we have to remind ourselves that we need to do this. We must go NC and we must be strong if we want to win.

[Freedom Now]

Thanks KHLF.

 

I have had my weak moments, you can be sure of that.

 

But, I am doing this for me. I have NCed so many times....well....let me just tell you that I am embarrassed by all the starts and stops with it...

 

I understand keenly where everyone is. But, after some serious soul searching and thinking, I decided that THIS IS IT. Not only did I go NC (again), I prevented him from contacting me. It would take super heroic efforts on his part to find me and contact me.

 

There is no turning back now. It is a win/win situation. If I never hear from him again....good riddance. He obviously loves his lifestyle more than me. And I don't need a man like that in my life. I want to be number one. I deserve it.

 

And if he comes to me FREED, then it will be a "do over..." No secrets, no shame, and no hiding. A win/win for me. AND, I kept my dignity as I walked out the door. No crying and whining. Just dignity and class.

 

It hurts like no other sometimes, but this is what needs to be done. It was long overdue. And I feel empowered for the first time in months. To know that I stopped the nonsense, the craziness, and torment, and the pain....That, too, keeps me moving along.

 

It is do or die time now.

 

And, THAT is what is keeping me strong.

 

He needs to come to me FREE and with a PLAN.

 

And, if not, it wasn't meant to be. Simple as that.

 

Is it hard to square up my shoulders and face the possiblity of never seeing him again? It was. But, I never really had him. I had to face that. The only way to be free was to free MYSELF. So I did. I took control from him. He no longer has access to ME.

 

If he loves me, he will find me somehow.

 

And if he doesn't: like I said before, it wasn't meant to be.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

 

It is do or die time now.

 

And, THAT is what is keeping me strong.

 

He needs to come to me FREE and with a PLAN.

 

And, if not, it wasn't meant to be. Simple as that.

 

Freedom,

 

I want to be your support buddy. If you ever need some word of encouragemnt, you can read my previous posts.... I am going to follow your posts from now on!

 

I am married but I can't shake that feeling I have for another man - who is also married. If we are to be together, I want to do it right. No hiding, no lying.

 

I so admire your strength and determination. I wish I could cut off all contacts with my MM. Unfortunately, he's my H's best friend - yeah, the kind from his childhood, no less. I try to avoid eye contact with him - that's about all I can do without raising suspicion.

[Rooster_DAR]

Crazy thoughts are just the beginning, wait until your EX starts invading your dreams on a nightly basis.

 

Good luck!

[Freedom Now]

This strength and determination came at a high price for me. It took months and months of pain to get here.

 

But, even though the pain lingers, I also feel a sense of control. A sense of control that I hadn't had in a very long time.

 

Your situation is very, very difficult. You cannot do what I have done. It would raise too much suspicion.

 

My heart goes out to you. I know your story. Even though I am new here, I have read post after post after post. I know all the key posters here: You, LNF, WA....I know all of your stories...

 

You all have strength. Every single one of you. I learned much from the posts here and from my experiences in this hellish nightmare of an affair.

 

I will support you. I am here. I always was here. I was just quiet.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Thank you, FN.

[PoshPrincess]

Freedom, your posts have been brilliant. Just wish I had your strength. There is no way I can walk away - yet. Friends say that all of a sudden I will think 'enough is enough' and I hope they're right. It's so true what you say in that my MM has his W and me but he doesn't really have me - not in the way he wants anyway. I told him once that he has everything he would want so why would he leave, but he said that what he truly wants is me but is finding it so hard to make the break because of his kids. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me he doesn't love/want me anymore. It would be so much easier as I would have more pride than to pursue him then. Wish I had enough pride to walk away now but I love him too much and feel he is worth the wait.

[Freedom Now]

I have been exactly where you are. EXACTLY.

 

Believe me, I tried everything. I tried NC, limited contact, friendship, loving him, hating him....you name it.

 

I tried it all. And no matter what I tried, I hurt. And, I failed.

 

I still hurt. But, I realized that enough was enough.

 

I squared up my shoulders, held up my head and stopped him from contacting me.

 

And that is the key, really. I stopped HIM. He was dragging me through an emotional hell and I truly had gotten to my wits' end.

 

I still hurt. Of course I do. And I couldn't have done what I am doing a few months ago. I just wasn't ready.

 

But, now it was time. The time was right for me. And the time will be right for you someday. You cannot do this unless you are absolutely sure that you would be okay without him in your life forever.

 

Because this is a risk. A huge risk. But, I see it as this: I win. I walked away from HIM. I left him longing for ME. Now, whether that is enough for him to come find me, time will tell. But, I feel a whole helluva lot better today than I did before I made this decision. He was fileting me on a daily basis. Not on purpose, but his indecision was fileting me.

 

Trust me....this strength took months to arrive. But, thankfully, it arrived. And not a moment too soon. I was literally at my wits end.

 

I finally have peace.

 

Finally.

[PoshPrincess]

Because this is a risk. A huge risk. But, I see it as this: I win. I walked away from HIM. I left him longing for ME. Now, whether that is enough for him to come find me, time will tell. But, I feel a whole helluva lot better today than I did before I made this decision.

 

A huge risk that I am just scared to take at the moment, but hopefully one day I will have the courage to take that risk. Good on you, Freedom!

[Freedom Now]

And that's okay.

 

I was where you are. You will get there. In YOUR time. When YOU are ready.

 

Until then, hold strong. Do what makes YOU happy. Don't ever let him take that away from you.

[Chapter2]

Baileykeg,

 

Everything you are experiencing is painfully familiar. My saga has lasted one year this month and I have been through NC many times~~I think six counting this final NC. I wish that I could tell you that my final NC was born out of high self esteem and self respect or that I had an epiphany that propelled me to do the best thing for myself. But....that's not how it happened for me. I wish I could tell you that most days I feel empowered and in control, but the truth of the matter is that most days I don't.

 

The truth is that I'm scared to death. So scared in fact that I have to call a dear friend of mine daily to lean heavily upon her for just the strength to believe in what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I can't stress enough how important it is to find a "sponsor" of sorts to help you through this. I would not have been able to maintain my strength without her. She is, unfortunately, all too familiar with this pain and when I'm weak, she is strong and vice versa. What I have found is that she is exactly the kind of friend that I wished my MM was being to me now. This doesn't make me angry at him...its just another realization that while he is my best friend, his choice has kept that from meaning what it should mean in my life which only solidifies my decision to be out of his life.

 

I can tell you with certainty that my xMM loves me very much. I really do know this. I can also tell you that he does not want to hurt me and of that I am very sure. What finally got me to each stage of leaving is when the pain of being without him was less than the pain of being with him. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying though....both are very painful.

 

The difference for me is this....the pain in living without him is predictable pain. The pain in being with him is violently unpredictable pain.

 

The predictable pain becomes manageable pain and I am able to maintain my life in it. I am no longer crying one moment and elated the next...no longer angry one moment and panic stricken the next...no longer noticing the clock hour after hour to see how many hours are left in the day for him to call and knowing that if a certain time is reached, he's already home and I won't hear from him until tomorrow...no longer literally going from hopeful to devastated in a matter of seconds based on what has or hasn't happened with MM. I can assure you that this roller coaster of emotion is felt by every single person in your life. It becomes impossible to hide from your friends, family, children and co-workers.

 

The predictable pain is still acute, but what I'm finding is that its a pain that I have control over and that's where the empowerment comes in. Its no longer me allowing someone else to control every emotion that I have which was and is violently unpredictable pain for me. I also find that even though high self worth and self respect aren't necessarily what led me to this decision, they're both slowly but surely returning in the midst of the pain. Just as slowly as both were ebbing away, they are returning. Sadly, staying in the relationship was destroying some of the attributes he loves in me...my self respect and strength.

 

The predictable pain is still raw and still feels as if my insides have been shredded. But...I can compartmentalize this pain and deal with it in my own timing and my own way--not in the middle of work or when I'm out with friends. The violently unpredictable pain was a daily, sometimes hourly, sucker punch or having the wind knocked out of you. Do I miss hearing his voice? Yes. Do I miss hearing him tell me how much he loves me? Yes. Am I terrified that I will never see him again? To the point of vomiting. The bottom line for me is that the pain of staying outweighed the pain of leaving. I know full well that I could call him today and most likely I would hear elation in his voice...I would be again affirmed that he loves me and misses me...and that he can't be with me yet but would love to see me for the weekend or overnight. The wreckage from it are just too painful and unpredictable.

 

There isn't an hour that passes that I don't hope that we will one day be together but what I know for sure is this... My staying with him while he is still married is not what will make him come to me. He knows he loves me and he knows why he loves me. It was and is time for him to live without me in light of his choice to "try for the children". He needs to be fully immersed in his choice and walk it out. The indecision and vacillation will NEVER stop until he realizes he does not have me at all. Ours is not a no contact of "come to me when you are free" or "let me know if anything changes" or "I know you'll leave your wife soon, but you can't come back till you've done it"... Our no contact is...this pain is too great and we both agree that I deserve a man that wants only me and insists on only me without hesitation or regret. Our no contact is "this is over as we both want different things irregardless of how much we love each other". We both made choices and we are both reluctantly walking them out. Did he want me to go no contact...hell no...never has. Was he ready for no contact...never was or will be. But, to stay with him would be emotional death for me and to leave was my ONLY chance for emotional life. I didn't throw a fit, I didn't cry and I wasn't angry. There was no ultimatum or threat. Just immense sadness and fear for both of us. One of us had firm resolve though...me.

 

But you know what Baileykeg? My life can change because I'm free. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but I have to believe its there. I do panic and think, oh no, he won't be able to find me!!!! The minute I removed any way for him to contact me I felt sick to my stomach. I had wrestled with that decision for well over a month and it was another incident of violently unpredictable pain that made me do it. It was without a doubt, the right thing to do. It instantly removed the emotional highs and lows of wondering if the next ring of my phone was from him...my highs and lows stabilized almost immediately. I know in my heart of hearts that if he makes the choice to be with me NOTHING ON EARTH will keep him from finding me. No changed number, changed address, changed email...nothing.

 

I would be a complete liar not to admit that I still have hope...I don't subscribe to the belief that you can just lay that down. But, I'm purposing to hold myself in high enough regard to hope from far away in silence. I'm also comforted by knowing all of this was my choice...it was not forced upon me by him or anyone else. It was my choice and that feels really good and really strong within my weakness. Does that make sense?

 

This was much longer and much more cathartic for me than I planned. Sorry and thank you at the same time:) I can't stress enough how important an accountability partner is. It helps both of you.

 

Cut him off Bailykeg. Leave him. He won't go far if he wants to be with you and I think that he does. I really do believe that. I know its scary. I know it. He will find you if he wants to. What do you have if you don't do it?

 

 

Ok, it's day three of NC for me. This is the longest we've ever been able to maintain NC. We agreed to a period of NC thinking that would make it somewhat easier on both of us knowing that there would be a time in a month that we could see where we are and what we want to do next. Maybe that's a stupid idea. I just don't know. He needs to figure out whether or not he's going to get a divorce and I can't be part of his life while he does that.

 

Anyway, I wanted to ask some of you who are more experienced at NC....did you go through a range of mixed feelings? I've gone from missing him so badly to being angry at him for putting our relationship through this while he "decides" what to do. Part of me feels like I'm building a wall around my heart to protect myself for when we meet after our period of NC. I don't know what will happen when we see each other again. I want so badly for it to be the fairytale ending but yet I fear that he will either come back and say he just can't get divorced or it will be more of the same of...I'm just not ready to get divorced. I feel like these "fears" that I'm having are smothering the love that I have and it's making me very confused.

 

Thoughts?

[Jane Doe]

Chapter2, that was poignant and made so much sense. I wish you the best.

[broken wings]

I am new to this site.All I can say is thank god for it because it has really lifted my spirits and helped to know that I am not alone. My MM and I got caught last week and after a few days of phone calls and a final meeting we said goodbye for a while or maybe forever. I was ok in the begining with the shock of it all ending and how it ended but now the silence is killing me. he was my first morning call..all the messages and the nightly wishes..I know it will all get easier soon but does anyone have any advice? I am sane enought not to call him I dont even have the desire..just not knowing how he is and how he is holding up is hurting me, the worst thing is that I know he is away on business all week and it would be so simple for him to check in...

[Jane Doe]

Broken wings, if he's ended it, let that be your answer. He's obviously choosing his wife over you. Not talking to him is the best thing for you, even though it feels like hell. It's hard getting through the initital withdrawals but you must get yourself busy, get out of the house, be around people and think of other things. You must. Otherwise you'll end up in this cycle of on-again/off-again for months, maybe even years. You'll get nowhere. It's ended so let it end. Prolonging it will be much worse than what you're going through now. Feel it, grieve it, and then leave it behind.

[Baileykeg]

Thank you Ch.2 for your thoughts. As I read it I felt as if so much of it was coming out of my own heart. I'm having such a hard time right now because I know that I'm truly not at the point to be able to commit to NC like I should. I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet. I'm still sticking with the NC right now but it was more of an agreed up thing for us rather than me putting my foot down and walking away. Everyone posts about doing NC and the feeling of power it gives them. In my situation, this is an agreed upon time apart with an end date 29 days from now. What will happen on that date I have no idea.

 

I guess my problem with gaining some feeling of control with NC is that I don't have any way to take some of the control from this situation. It is what it is.

 

I emailed him today by accident sending him an email that was intended for a client. Their names are right next to each other in my address book and I didn't pay attention to what I was doing. Anyway, he emailed me back to let me know that I had sent the email to him instead of my client. He also said that he missed me very much and hoped that I was doing well. He said that he was having a really hard time but that he knew we were doing the right thing. I emailed him back and asked him to clarify exactly what he was having a hard time with. He replied that he just missed me a lot and was really depressed. I didn't respond.

 

My emotional responses to his email have been mixed. First I am angry with him for missing me and being miserable when he is the one that created this situation. He could put an end to it at any moment but he chooses not to. Then I am so sad because I miss him so much. It is so hard not to talk to him. I then begin to wonder how NC is actually going to help in this situation. If he knows that he's going to see me in a month then where is his motiviation to change anything. All we will have done is spent a month apart both being miserable. How is this supposed to make him make a decision? What should I do?

[Chapter2]

I'm having such a hard time right now because I know that I'm truly not at the point to be able to commit to NC like I should. I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.

 

And that's okay. There are no hard and fast rules about when or what you do and every single person's circumstances are different. This forum is really, really good about encouraging people, but, it is also sometimes a place where you can quickly be categorized. No relationship is "identical" to another so don't feel that your actions have to mirror another's. Like I said earlier, the feeling of power that I sometimes feel is very good, but, don't think for a second that I don't wish things had turned out differently. Everyone hits their threshhold of pain and intolerance at different places.

 

My emotional responses to his email have been mixed. First I am angry with him for missing me and being miserable when he is the one that created this situation. He could put an end to it at any moment but he chooses not to. Then I am so sad because I miss him so much. It is so hard not to talk to him. I then begin to wonder how NC is actually going to help in this situation. If he knows that he's going to see me in a month then where is his motiviation to change anything. All we will have done is spent a month apart both being miserable. How is this supposed to make him make a decision? What should I do?

 

I know you're hurting...it really is hell. Your instincts and questions are right and you need to trust yourself even though its terrifying. I'm not sure having 29 days to make a final decision will do a thing if he believes you will be there waiting for him.

 

I believe its human nature to take advantage of every second of time to make a decision we're having a hard time making and then after every second is used up....try to get some more time!! Anyone--man, woman, child--who is struggling with indecision will not make it until forced. Its just the way we're made. Can we make good, ethical, moral decisions? Yes, we can. But when you are already involved in something so big and you are so afraid of making the wrong decision and living with regret, anyone can quickly become paralyzed in indecision. Is that selfish, maybe, no one can really judge the intent or motive of another's heart. But, just like children, we sometimes need to be forced to make choices.

[Baileykeg]

Yes, I believe that "paralyzed" is exactly the point his is at right now. I really don't have any idea what he thinks this remaining 29 days is going to do for him or allow him to do. I feel like all it is doing for me is putting my life on hold until he comes back and tells me that nothing has changed. He hasn't been able to make a decision for us in the 9 months that we have been together so why would I believe that a month of NC would actually make a difference? How do I get some feeling of control during this next month? How do I get over the gut wrenching fear of what he is going to say when we meet in a month?

[Chapter2]

Broken, you must be in agony. That is something I missed SO, SO much. The wake up and good night calls. Its amazing how quickly we become dependent on that and when it stops its truly horrendous.

 

I'm not sure what the structure of your relationship is with your MM so I'm not sure how to respond...did he promies to leave her? Is he saying someday but not right now or are you okay with things the way they are?

 

I think Jane Doe's advice is wise but I also know that six months ago I would have read it and said, "no way sister, I will never leave him and nothing you say can convince me I should." Low and behold, I wish I had listened and had the strength to follow through with that kind of advice:( I just didn't have it in me yet. I felt unbelievable guilt for going NC each and every time and I knew he was hurting too. But, for me, something had to change and from what I could tell, it wasn't going to be him. He would continue to take advantage of having both lives as long as I allowed it. The cycle was repeating itself too many times.

 

Hang in there if at all possible. Your actions are screaming at him right now and complete silence will scream loudest. You're right, it would be simple for him to check in and he's making the choice not to. Those choices, over time, cannot be overlooked. They're just too painful.

 

Keep posting and try to ignore anyone that makes the choice to pass judgement on you. Judgement isn't what made me stronger, people loving me through all of this irregardless of my choices did.

 

I am new to this site.All I can say is thank god for it because it has really lifted my spirits and helped to know that I am not alone. My MM and I got caught last week and after a few days of phone calls and a final meeting we said goodbye for a while or maybe forever. I was ok in the begining with the shock of it all ending and how it ended but now the silence is killing me. he was my first morning call..all the messages and the nightly wishes..I know it will all get easier soon but does anyone have any advice? I am sane enought not to call him I dont even have the desire..just not knowing how he is and how he is holding up is hurting me, the worst thing is that I know he is away on business all week and it would be so simple for him to check in...

[Baileykeg]

Any ideas on other ways for me to feel more in control here? I struggle so much with this because I don't want to feel like I'm playing a game with him. I love him and I just want him to figure out what it is he wants with his life and let me get on with mine either way. I just need a clear answer and an end to all of this back and forth.

[Chapter2]

You can take the power back TONIGHT Baileykeg or any other night you choose. You can send him an email or call him stating that you respect his indecision and that you in no way want to force his hand in something so life changing... but that you also don't believe waiting another 29 days is the answer FOR YOU. Don't force his hand, don't give him an ultimatum, don't get angry and try not to cry. Keep the conversation short and to the point without hostility or manipulation. Compel yourself not to say things like "find me if you're ever free" or "I'll be here".

 

My MM knew I was hurting but, I thankfully and surprisingly, didn't get mad or starting sobbing. I simply said, "we both agree that I deserve to be more than someone's OW and I respect your decision to stay...good-bye". We were at the tail end of another cycle and he was feeling guilty and waffling again so that helped me make the final call. Had he been in hot pursuit stage...not sure I could have done it in all honesty.

 

Make the decision for him. One of you has to be the grown up. I think sometimes couples have to take turns being the grown up because we all have the capacity to act just like children.

 

It hurts like a mother to do this so think through it and get battle ready because that is what you are in and you'll be moving straight to the front line. But do continue to ask yourself if things are likely to change after 29 days....its a very good and very serious question.

 

I really feel sad for you, for me, for every one of us in the same boat, not pity, just sadness. Just keep talking all of this through but most of all trust your gut!! Its there for a reason:)

 

Yes, I believe that "paralyzed" is exactly the point his is at right now. I really don't have any idea what he thinks this remaining 29 days is going to do for him or allow him to do. I feel like all it is doing for me is putting my life on hold until he comes back and tells me that nothing has changed. He hasn't been able to make a decision for us in the 9 months that we have been together so why would I believe that a month of NC would actually make a difference? How do I get some feeling of control during this next month? How do I get over the gut wrenching fear of what he is going to say when we meet in a month?