Raylene Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 I've always heard the betrayed is the "last to know". My question is, with all the diseases out there, I would consider it a kindness for someone to tell me, even if they heard only a rumor (and clarified they had no direct knowledge). That way, at least I could start taking some sort of precautions and try to get to the bottom of things. Ignorance can be bliss, according to the old saying, but it also could be a death sentence due to diseases like Aids. What do you think people talk among themselves about so-and-so screwing around, but they don't talk to the very person who needs and has a right to know, so they can make life decisions.
lasan Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 When I was younger I was married to someone who cheated with me with everything that walked, talked and was able to legally consent. Alot of people, like his friends, family, even some of my friends knew about it. When I found out about it, and exactly how many people knew about it, I was horrified. I asked the exact same thing. Why didn't anyone tell me? Not a single one of them had a good answer. I cut every single one of them off. What if while he was messing around, he brought home AIDS? It's not their responsibility to keep me disease free, but it still would have been nice to know whateveryone else knew.
outofdarkness Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 I've always heard the betrayed is the "last to know". My question is, with all the diseases out there, I would consider it a kindness for someone to tell me, even if they heard only a rumor (and clarified they had no direct knowledge). That way, at least I could start taking some sort of precautions and try to get to the bottom of things. Ignorance can be bliss, according to the old saying, but it also could be a death sentence due to diseases like Aids. What do you think people talk among themselves about so-and-so screwing around, but they don't talk to the very person who needs and has a right to know, so they can make life decisions. I agree with lason...my H cheated on me for over 10 years; one main A but mult. inbetween. We lived, worked, kids went to school, in a very gossipy and closed minded community...I never found out exactly who knew, but I am positive that many did indeed know and some of them were probrably part of it, but not one single person even hinted to me that they had even heard a rumer. My H claimed to at least some of the OW's that I knew of his cheating and purpously turned my head and ignored it so that I could supposedly keep up "the good life"..Obviously noone knew just how miserable my H was making myself and my kids. He was always irritable, blamed myself and the kids for every little thing that he perceived as wrong and often times would pick fights with myself of one of our children so that he could feel justified in storming out of the house..In looking back, I now realize that it was the perfect set up for him to continue his A's. He and his family are well respected in the community and appear on the surface to be the "perfect family"...Noone would have doubted his word due to the fact that his family name is so prominent and well respected... also, in looking back, I can trace numerous illnesses that myself and our children contrated due to his A's...There were things that I got that were of a "personal" nature, but my Doc. never told me to question my H, then there were things like our infant son getting pnuemonia, an intenstinal bacterial infection that we all got that landed our son in the hospital, scabies and numerous other things. NOONE said a word to me that this might be a possibility, and I believed the Drs every single time they treated us and gave me the old "these things just come up" excuse..One pediatrition even told me that children get scabies from "the soil"! I believed all of them...and I never suspected a thing. I trusted him 100 percent. Yes, it can be life threatening for the entire family. I found out after the A's were revealed that the liver disease that I was told was due to taking too much ibuprofen for a back problem, was actually due to Hepatitis... I guess people are too embarrased to say anything, or mabey they just enjoy a good gossip session...I can't figure it out either, and I've racked my brain over and over trying to...Mabey it goes on much more then I ever imagined...It's all just still so foreign to me...I still can't imagine why anyone would cheat...It's amazingly selfish and as you said, can be downright dangerous these days.. For those of you out there who have heard a rumer or are suspicious, or have first hand knowledge that someone is cheating; how about an anonymous letter? Anything to warn the W and family...
ely Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 I agree, I work for a social service agency, we provide services for people living with HIV/AIDS and I see alot of these cases where the spouse cheated, contracted AIDS and passed it on.
luvstarved Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Well I think that the cheater does not tell for a few reasons 1) their fun might have to come to an end 2) they feel guilty and embarrassed 3) they think they are "protecting" the feelings of the betrayed (har de har har) As far as OTHER people knowing, I think most people feel like they are in a damned if they do, damned if they don't situation. I have seen it happen more than once that when a friend told someone about their spouse cheating, the FRIEND ends up getting the boot INSTEAD OF the spouse. Others just don't know how to tell, or feel it is none of their business. I disagree with all of that. I think the betrayed has an absolute right to know, for health reasons as well as having a right to "full disclosure" regarding the presumably most important relationship in their life!! I can't think of any reasonable excuse for a spouse not to confess. Any reason not to confess is purely self-indulgent and disrespectful, as much as the act of infidelity itself. If the marriage is worth saving, it is at LEAST in trouble when infidelity occurs and repair is needed STAT! If the marriage is not worth saving, then it just extends the misery to go on pretending and hiding things. This crap about it "not meaning anything" is just what I said - CRAP! It ALWAYS means something. If someone thinks they love their spouse but it is ok to have a little harmless fun on the side, they are just blinding themselves. If it is ok, then why shouldn't the spouse know about it?
PoshPrincess Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 As far as OTHER people knowing, I think most people feel like they are in a damned if they do, damned if they don't situation. I have seen it happen more than once that when a friend told someone about their spouse cheating, the FRIEND ends up getting the boot INSTEAD OF the spouse. I agree that this can often be the case. When I was in my 20s I informed a friend that her long-term boyfriend had been cheating on her. She just accused me of being jealous because I didn't have a man of my own even though she was always checking up on him so must have had her suspiscions anyway. I have often discussed situation this with married/attached friends and there are certain friends that I know would want me to tell them if I thought their partner was cheating. Unfortunately some just bury their head in the sand and don't want to know at all! Personally I would hate it if everyone but me knew my partner was cheating. I would always rather hear the truth, however much it would hurt. The other side I suppose is if someone has a ONS. If this is a complete one off (as can sometimes happen during a rough patch) then sometimes ignorance can be bliss. Of course, thinking from an STI point of view it is always better to be aware.
samsungxoxo Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Most probably wait till they either get caught in the act or their SO's find out elsewhere about it, then they can say "Oh, but he/she meant nothing. Another reason can be b/c they go by the saying "What they don't know can't hurt them" and they keep the silence to their grave.
norajane Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 then there were things like our infant son getting pnuemonia, an intenstinal bacterial infection that we all got that landed our son in the hospital, scabies and numerous other things. I understand that scabies can be passed to household members, but the pneumonia? Did your husband get pneumonia from one of his affairs and pass it on?
Sup Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 There can be instances in which people suspect something going on, but there's NO proof of anything, so they may feel that if they were to say something, they could ruin someones marriage. I may write my own thread on that one soon........
outofdarkness Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 I understand that scabies can be passed to household members, but the pneumonia? Did your husband get pneumonia from one of his affairs and pass it on? yep....the main ow shared that info w/ me the one time we spoke by phone...guess there was a hint of guilt about it...
outofdarkness Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 There can be instances in which people suspect something going on, but there's NO proof of anything, so they may feel that if they were to say something, they could ruin someones marriage. I may write my own thread on that one soon........ if it's a good solid marriage w/ mutual trust and respect and rock solid...how could it ruin a marriage???
Sup Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 People want to be certain about things like that, I mean if they said something, and NOTHING was going on..... see what I mean? I know it's hard to talk about things like this, Like I said I may be posting soon.......
Rooster_DAR Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Well I think that the cheater does not tell for a few reasons 1) their fun might have to come to an end 2) they feel guilty and embarrassed 3) they think they are "protecting" the feelings of the betrayed (har de har har) The biggest reason is because "the secret" is what is making the whole affair most appealing for the cheater. Very simply,
luvstarved Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 The biggest reason is because "the secret" is what is making the whole affair most appealing for the cheater. Very simply, Sigh! That's true too! I also remembered another reason for other people not telling. Sometimes the WS tells a friend "I want to tell you something but you have to promise NOT TO TELL". Then of course, after the fact, the "friend" feels that they CAN'T tell or else they are in violation!
Cheshire Cat Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Sigh! That's true too! I also remembered another reason for other people not telling. Sometimes the WS tells a friend "I want to tell you something but you have to promise NOT TO TELL". Then of course, after the fact, the "friend" feels that they CAN'T tell or else they are in violation! True. When you know well both partners, even if you didn't learn from the WS about the cheating you'll feel like betraying him/her if you tell the BS. All you feel you can do is trying to talk the WS into stopping cheating. If you have taken part in the cheating (i.e. you are the OW or OM) or helped the WS *even just once* getting away with the cheating, you won't tell. When you only know the BS, or do not really know well either of them, you will usually not be 100% sure cheating is actually going on. You just don't want to damage the relationship reporting a rumour that is just a rumour. So you might not tell. Personally, if I'm not involved in the cheating, have evidence of it or have witnessed it and I am not a friend of the WS or of the OM/OW, I'll tell.
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