Guest Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 I have read through several posts and have noted the different opinions and am grateful that I am not the only one going through this. I would really just appreciate any thoughts and comments, even though I know I will probably not want to hear most of them. I have been working with this man for 3 years, the "affair" has been for the past 2...I constantly wonder how it could have lasted so long, and how I could still be in the same situation after 2 years. He is 17 years older than I am and I never would have imagined something like this would have happened. Working together at the small business he owned we often worked together alone. It started out as a completely innocent friendship. I felt like he understood me better than anyone, even my best friend. I still feel that way. It was so nice to have someone to talk to that just understood. It never felt like there was an age difference between the two of us. It was not like we were the same age, just that age was not a factor at all. I began to notice things change at the beginning of the summer before I was going to leave for college (an hour and a half away). Little comments or looks...I just ignored them and brushed them off. I had no feelings for this man. But as school drew nearer, I thought about it more. I felt a connection with this man, and I thought no harm could be done by simply telling him that I had noticed and appreciated his attentions. I thought that when I went to college, things would change. I believed our contact would drop to just a casual friendship. But somehow we only talked more. Most of our communication was online by this point. I guess it was easy for me to do fall into this because I had not had the chance to make many friends, and fell back on the one I knew would be there. He told me what a wonderful person I was, how much he cared about me. He told me he loved me and that he thought we were soulmates. I really think he believed that at the time. For awhile I tried to push these things away. I knew it was wrong, and in my heart I believed he was just saying these things because he was infatuated. But eventually I began to feel them too. Then he would talk about how badly he wanted to kiss me, and finally I gave in, stupidly thinking that no harm could be done with one kiss...just to see what it felt like...and then other things happened the same way... Over the past 2 years things have changed to an unrecognizable point from those first few months...he refuses to acknowledge anything emotional, although he was the one who initiated it in the first place...i know he loves his wife, and i do feel extremely guilty for what this has done to his family, although no one knows...i have thought about what it would be like to be in her shoes, and i feel like a piece of s**t for it...but I am so attached to this man...he has become my best friend...and i still see the same look in his eyes when I am with him and feel as though we are both so contented in each other's company... I honestly did not mean for any of this to happen, I don't understand why it did, it was as though things were set into motion and happened before they could be stopped...I accept the responsibility for my actions...and have never once believed that this man would leave his family for me...I just don't know how to let him go when I am so attached to him...I don't know if I am in love with him or not...he is the first person I have ever felt this bond with, and I am so lost and confused I have days when I honestly know and believe that I will move on and find someone who loves me just as much and deserves me so much more...and I also have days when I feel as though I can never detach myself from this man and cannot stand the thought of losing my best friend... This experience has just completely shaken everything I ever believed about love and marriage...I do not understand how this could happen and why...I feel like this will follow me for the rest of my life and I hope and pray that I take a valuable lesson from this and am able to trust myself and others in future relationships... Well, I think I have rambled long enough and have not even written half of what is on my mind...I would really appreciate any comments or thoughts others have...
PoshPrincess Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Hi Guest. You say that your MM loves his wife - I take it this means he is unlikely to leave her to be with you? As hard as it will be, my advice is to get the hell out before you get hurt. Ok, I am sure it will hurt whatever but why waste your life on someone who can never give you what you deserve? If my MM told me he still loved his wife and wanted to stay with her then I would be trying my hardest to end things (although it would be v dififcult!) You are at college and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't beat yourself up about this relationship. It's happened now. As you say, you can learn from it, as hopefully we all do. Find someone who is worthy of your love. On the other hand, do you think you could be 'just friends' with this guy. V hard with both of you wanting more one way or the other....... Best of luck and keep us posted.
TiredOfConfusion Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 PoshPrincess...I appreciate your advice and I am trying (wanting) desperately to just be friends...I really do value his friendship, despite the other complications...I do not want or expect a relationship with him and (IMO) have always been realistic that this was not a possibility with him...I have made some progress towards moving on and have tried to remove him from my mind as such an important force...however I still have low days where I feel as though I really love him and don't want to move on...I know this is self destructive behavior, but I can't seem to help myself...but I would love nothing more than to be just friends with him and to have no desire for anything else...
TiredOfConfusion Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 (P.S. I decided to get a username since I might be here for a while.)
Dayzie Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 It is so much easier said than done to get out. I am the last person to judge or give advice since my situation isn't one to brag about. You just need to do what is right for you, what that is you might not even know b/c everyday it changes doesn't it? One day it is right to leave and move on, the next the right thing to do is stand by him. You're hurting now, which is why you turned for advice. My dad always told me to step back and look at the big picture. What do you see? Do you like what you see? Regardless of what anyone tells you, you are the only one who knows what is right for you. But step out of your life and take it all in and figure out what is right for you and your happiness.
outofdarkness Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I have read through several posts and have noted the different opinions and am grateful that I am not the only one going through this. I would really just appreciate any thoughts and comments, even though I know I will probably not want to hear most of them. I have been working with this man for 3 years, the "affair" has been for the past 2...I constantly wonder how it could have lasted so long, and how I could still be in the same situation after 2 years. He is 17 years older than I am and I never would have imagined something like this would have happened. Working together at the small business he owned we often worked together alone. It started out as a completely innocent friendship. I felt like he understood me better than anyone, even my best friend. I still feel that way. It was so nice to have someone to talk to that just understood. It never felt like there was an age difference between the two of us. It was not like we were the same age, just that age was not a factor at all. I began to notice things change at the beginning of the summer before I was going to leave for college (an hour and a half away). Little comments or looks...I just ignored them and brushed them off. I had no feelings for this man. But as school drew nearer, I thought about it more. I felt a connection with this man, and I thought no harm could be done by simply telling him that I had noticed and appreciated his attentions. I thought that when I went to college, things would change. I believed our contact would drop to just a casual friendship. But somehow we only talked more. Most of our communication was online by this point. I guess it was easy for me to do fall into this because I had not had the chance to make many friends, and fell back on the one I knew would be there. He told me what a wonderful person I was, how much he cared about me. He told me he loved me and that he thought we were soulmates. I really think he believed that at the time. For awhile I tried to push these things away. I knew it was wrong, and in my heart I believed he was just saying these things because he was infatuated. But eventually I began to feel them too. Then he would talk about how badly he wanted to kiss me, and finally I gave in, stupidly thinking that no harm could be done with one kiss...just to see what it felt like...and then other things happened the same way... Over the past 2 years things have changed to an unrecognizable point from those first few months...he refuses to acknowledge anything emotional, although he was the one who initiated it in the first place...i know he loves his wife, and i do feel extremely guilty for what this has done to his family, although no one knows...i have thought about what it would be like to be in her shoes, and i feel like a piece of s**t for it...but I am so attached to this man...he has become my best friend...and i still see the same look in his eyes when I am with him and feel as though we are both so contented in each other's company... I honestly did not mean for any of this to happen, I don't understand why it did, it was as though things were set into motion and happened before they could be stopped...I accept the responsibility for my actions...and have never once believed that this man would leave his family for me...I just don't know how to let him go when I am so attached to him...I don't know if I am in love with him or not...he is the first person I have ever felt this bond with, and I am so lost and confused I have days when I honestly know and believe that I will move on and find someone who loves me just as much and deserves me so much more...and I also have days when I feel as though I can never detach myself from this man and cannot stand the thought of losing my best friend... This experience has just completely shaken everything I ever believed about love and marriage...I do not understand how this could happen and why...I feel like this will follow me for the rest of my life and I hope and pray that I take a valuable lesson from this and am able to trust myself and others in future relationships... Well, I think I have rambled long enough and have not even written half of what is on my mind...I would really appreciate any comments or thoughts others have... I am a W...my H had long term A with mult. inbetween. It sounds to me like he is using you...Don't waste anymore time on him..As one poster said, you have your entire life ahead of you...Move on and be happy. You are only headed for heatbreak, confusion and ends if you continue the A...Find someone who loves and respects you...someone single. MM are NOT available...They may make it seem like they are, but in the end...they are not...Good luck to you...Know you are hurting...I have been there and it's hard...Thought it might be helpful to you to hear from a W and know that we are human and we have the same emotions/feelings that everyone has.. Some of the time, as in my case, there are kids involved too...No matter how old the child is, as you said in your case with your parent's, it is devastating and they never forget...
stillhere Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I'm sorry that you are going through this, and believe me, i know exactly what torment you are going through. I guess the only differences are that my MM tells me daily that he loves me, that any life changing decisions are made with him considering my thoughts and feelings, and that he is now thinking of being with me and only me in the future. Now, i know how hard this is, but he does not share his emotions with you. You are not 100% certain that he loves you. He has never given you a hint of being with you in the future. Those things are needed for that little ray of hope that he will be with you and only you. He hasn't given you that. Please, please cut your losses and find someone that can make you happy. You are too young to be in such a mess. I'm too young to be in such a mess. You need to figure out what you want out of life, and i believe you deserve better. You deserve someone who will love you and only you unconditionally. (Maybe i should start taking my own advice!!!) I wish you luck, and hope that you find the strength sometime really soon to pull away from this man.
NotKelly Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 TiredofConfusion... you didn't mention in your post whether or not this is your first romantic relationship. (You seem like you're pretty young, ie college age) - have you ever dated guys your own age up to this point? 17 years is a big age difference even for older people... but if you are in high school or college, it is a gigantic age gap which raises a red flag. (And I have a feeling you already know that on some days) Don't feel like a piece of sh*t. Most reasonable people would look on a situation like this and feel less inclined to condemn you -- even the wife, once she would get over her shock. Also, this really stands out to me... "Working together at the small business he owned ..." I know he's been your friend, but this is pretty questionable behavior. A boss should not become romantically involved with his employee. In fact, even though I'm sure your relationship has been consensual, any man would have to have some poor judgment to expose himself to even the possibility of a sexual harrassment lawsuit. You DO have a bright future - and someday, you are going to be discussing your past experience with this relationship, with a man who really loves you. He's going to understand what you've been through in your past and he's going to want to be only with YOU. Cheer up and have courage!
PoshPrincess Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 (Maybe i should start taking my own advice!!!) Haha, this made me laugh - I think the same thing everytime I post advice on here!
TiredOfConfusion Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I am extremely grateful for all the advice...and I have told myself all these things thousands of times...its comforting to hear it from other people, and it hurts at the same time Notkelly, (I am a little embarrassed to admit) that no I have not really dated guys my own age...there have been people that I was interested in in the past, but I have put so much energy into this person that I have ignored others...in the past few months I have realized this and I'm making baby steps towards moving on...I have spent much less time with the MM and more time with my friends and guys my own age... I am just so frustrated and confused and I don't know why I am having such trouble getting over this man
SixthSt.Girl Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Your situation sounds so much like what I went through, except this: "I felt a connection with this man, and I thought no harm could be done by simply telling him that I had noticed and appreciated his attentions." In my case, I thought a lot of harm could be done. Going into an affair while I was still working for him could be problematic if it were to go sour, and if he rebuffed me, that would be very awkward to get over when we were working so closely together. I expected that he would propose something, and not leave it to me. I accepted his flirtations, touching, etc., but didn't really return it. It didn't lead anywhere and eventually we just went our separate ways. I always thought about what might have been had I said something - you did and you guys actually played it out. I don't know what to say, except I can relate to your feelings. I left town with no intentions of looking back, but I ended up coming back and now he may be in my life again. I could tell you to move on, find someone else, but it's not that easy. I moved on and dated other men during that year away, but my heart was never in it. I didn't think of him much during that time, but every time I'd come "home," I was reminded of him. Now, that I'm here for good probably, it's even more difficult to escape. I'm glad that you shared what you did, though I'm sorry, I've talked more about my situation than your's! I hope that you can somehow get past the struggle and pain that you're going through. Be strong!
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