Should I break this off

[slug]

Hi Everyone

 

I've come to my place of trust when I'm most confused and need advice - these forums. I've posted here over the past few years usually about depression, but today I have a different concern and I would really appreciate some feedback. I have read other posts recently about people's difficulty in marriage but would like some specific response. I have a friend who has offered so much good advice but I still feel torn by all this. Perhaps I'm scared of making a decision myself?

 

I have been seeing someone seriously for two years now. I originally came back to this country to recover from depression and a break down. After being here a few months I met a woman, now my partner, and as I recovered we got closer, we now live together. We have had ups and downs, like most relationships, but we have also stayed together and there is something in our relationship which is very important to me.

 

Throughout our relationship there has been a constant issue relating directly to her family. This is so tricky to talk about. She comes from a very wealthy, traditional family and there has always been interference from them, and manipulation. Both of us are in our 30s, we're adults, and I personally have been independent for 20 years (until my breakdown). Both of us are artists and don't make much money from our work as it's very experimental and conceptual. So, we rely on them for occasional support; when there are holidays they pay for everyone, that kind of stuff. This ties us in to them somewhat; can begin to get the picture. The emotional relationship between money and energy always bewilders me, there's no escaping it. There are definite issues of dependence here I know. But a lot of times these issues are being played out unconsciously and we can't always detect them immediately. Recently, this has created a lot of conflict both for me, internally, and in our relationship.

 

About a month ago I asked her to marry me and we began making arrangements. Her family has completely taken over. The dynamics of this family are so extreme when it comes to money, and in the light of my partner being the first of four daughters to get married, the situation has been doubly intensified. This process has really highlighted issues for myself, how I give in to figures of authority, how I don't stand up for myself etc etc. I feel overwhelmed, stripped down, and even emasculated from this.

 

It is so important for a relationship to be an independent unit. Of course we might sometimes consult people but ultimately, as adults, I feel we should be the decision makers in our lives. In this instance we've had constant interference on major decisions, which I think erodes relationships in many ways. What happens is we make a decision on something, then it gets discussed with her mother which thinks/feels otherwise, and we 'have to' change it.

 

I feel bound by a certain kind of protocol and tradition that I've always shunned, tied into a set of values I don't necessarily want etc. I'm extremely confused right now because I love my girlfriend, I feel close to her, but these erroneous events in planning our marriage have had a very corrosive effect and I think we're both having some doubts. Next year we'll be having a life changing event as we move to the US, this has also been severely interfered with and disrupted. Everything we do has to be consented by her family. I'm simply not used this, and feel angry and frustrated. Also, I sense that both my partner and I are fairly immature people for our age and it is difficult for us to stand up to this kind of abuse - or perhaps it is the level of difficulty when faced with this kind of confrontation, from very (seemingly) powerful sources. It can all happen very subtly sometimes, unconsciously as I mentioned...

 

Her parents have been suffocating us without knowing it. There are these social situations I find myself in... If I make a fuss and say what I want there might be 'consequences' so I tend to just swallow my needs. Because of the power my partner's parents hold over her it is very difficult for her to disagree with them. So if I say something that is contrary to their viewpoints or suggestions (which they assume for us!) we invariably get into a fight. Where will this ultimately leave me, feeling empty? Will I end up embittered, and possibly even divorced later because the frustration of not doing what I believe in will become too much to bear? Very often these people don't actually know the extent of the hurt they're causing, they're so used to getting whatever they want because of their power, money and influence. But their situation is very inauthentic in my opinion...

 

I don't know what to do. The confusion and conflict of interests is eating at me constantly. If I walk away from this it will also be so devastating to my partner, and to me. So, I feel caught between knowing (or at least thinking I know) myself and what i want and having to placate someone else's needs for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. How do I deal with this? Does anyone have experience of dealing with interference like this? I don't know if I should leave this relationship. It seems untenable that I should allow others (whose opinions I don't always even respect) to dominate my marriage. I'm forty next year!!!

 

I would so appreciate your thoughts

 

Slug

[BabyAnn]

I have a friend who was in a very similar situation. Her in-laws were really traditional and controlling, and my friend had very little say in her very own wedding. She was not even given the time to talk to her friends on her wedding day for God's sake. Her in-laws continued to exercise control over the marriage after the wedding and it caused her a lot of stress. Eventually, she divorced her husband.

 

I've heard too many stories about people breaking up because they have problems with their partner's parents. It seems like a silly idea that the in-laws could come in the way of true love, but they really can. You kinda have to listen to them out of respect, but you also don't want feel restricted in the relationship with your partner. It creates a lot of unnecessary disagreements and stress in a relationship and it is not a problem one can easily remedy.

 

I suggest you to sit down with your partner and talk about your concerns over her parents. Tell her why her parents are driving you away from the relationship and see if she understands where you are coming from. You are absolutely right; you shouldn't have to placate someone else's needs for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. You can't pick your own parents, but you can pick your in-laws!