They charged me a lot for all of the baggage she had... (Super long post, sorry)

[COGuyFromNY]

My buddy turned me onto this site today so I figured that I'd post my story. This is a long one so if you get car sick easily, you probably don't want to read this

 

Here's some back ground

 

I just recently finalized my divorce from a 17.5 year marriage. We got married when I was 19 and she was 20. Have 2 beautiful boys from this. The unfortunate part of this is that I never watched them grow up. I chose to be the hunter/gatherer so she could be a stay-at-home mom. I chose my professional life over my family.

 

I realized that I wanted out at about the 12th year but I was too worried about losing my house, my posessions and my money. So I stayed in it for another few years, just being unhappy but going through the motions.

 

I began to travel every week and when I got back, I just sat on the couch and surfed the boob tube. Never helped her out one bit. Just couldn't wait to get back on the plane on Monday morning.

 

Then one day, I woke up and realized that you only live life once and have to be happy. I told her that I wanted a divorce. I just wasn't "in" love with her anymore. Another year of traveling had come and gone. She couldn't talk about it at all. She was devistated but I was such an a-hole that I didn't care. I just wasn't emotionally there for her. It was all about me at that time...

 

Now for the real story...

 

I started to travel out to my company's CO office every week working on a project. I ended up getting a corporate apt because I was tired of the suitcase to the same place every week. This was a good thing because I had to clean it myself. I had to cook for myself. I had to do things for myself because it was only me. Things weren't going to get done if I didn't do them. This was one of the best things that could have ever happened.

 

A few months had passed and I started to get to know some of the people out here. Got into the smokers click. All women and I was the only guy. I started hanging out with them more and more after work. We'd go out and do things. I started to realize that I had strong feelings for one of them. Her initials are JR for ease later (I'll just use initials throughout). We'd flirt like mad but I'd never cross the line. People would ask us if we were dating. Nope. Just friends.

 

I would talk to her friend CW. I told CW that I had feelings for JR. She thought that was great but explaind her past to me, mostly her last boyfriend. JR was dating a guy (SH) from Mass who was out in CO doing a job. He told JR that he was getting a divorce and they were going to live happily ever after. Then one night, SH just up and left, never to be heard from again. Ugh. Sounds like my story but I'll show her that I'm not going anywhere.

 

Then it happened one night. She invited me to go to a party with her. I went back to my apt to change clothes and she asked if I had a dry shirt she could borrow. Ironed a shirt for her, drove back to the office, she changed and off we went. I drove her and LS friend to the party. We hung out for a while. Since it was late Oct, it was chilly and I gave her my jacket and she wrapped her arms around me to keep me warm. She had my cigs in her shirt pocket for some reason. At one point, I reached to get them from the pocket and my hand brushed against her left breast. It was a COMPLETE accident. I said that I was sorry but she didn't seem upset about it.

 

We left the party, and drove back to the office to drop off LS and pick up CW because we were going to go out afterwards. Waiting for CW to come down, she had asked me if I was just trying to cop a feel. I said absolutely not. If I was going to do anything, I'd do this. So with that, I reached over the seat, grabbed the back of her neck, pulled her to me and kissed her. All she could say was that it was about time. She'd been wondering if I was even interested in her. What the hell do I know, I've been married for over 15 years and not in the dating scene (so I'm stupid and blind).

 

CW came down and we went to the bar. It was awesome. We all hung out for a few hours. She sat next to me and grabbed for my hand (under the table) the whole night. Drove JR and CW back to the office so they could go home. As CW pulled off, JR and I stood there and kissed for about 15 minutes. WOW!!!

 

From there, it just got better. We grew closer each day. I began to realize that there was more to life than just me and what I wanted.I began to think about others (especially her needs and wants). I began to fall "IN" Love with someone for the first time in my life. I now realized that there was a difference between Loving someone and being "IN" Love with someone. I started believing that there was such a thing as a soul mate that everyone talked about. Well, I met mine. I was on cloud 9 million.

 

We'd spend every night together. Drive in to work in just one car then go out afterwards together, just the 2 of us. Now, it was still difficult because I still was traveling back "home" every week. The end of the week would be hard because she was worried that I wasn't coming back like SH did to her. We talked about it and ovr time, she realized that I DID come back every time I said I would.Every week travel turned into every other week, just so I could spend some weekends with her.

 

Things progressed very quickly and before I knew it, we were talking marriage after my divorce was final. We talked about me moving out from NJ to CO in Feb so we could be together. She was all for it and excited about it too.

 

We'd talk about our pasts to learn about each other. She'd had a life full of BAD relationships. Who was a drunk and would beat her, who was a drug addict, who just left her in the middle of the night. I worked really hard to show her that I was not anything like her past and never would be. She always said she knew that but her actions spoke differently. A wise person would have saw this and ran fast but not me. I was madly in Love with her so I was blind. I was going to show her what a real Loving relationship was supposed to be like.

 

Jan came and she was really upset after work one day. Her Mom and Dad (and their spouses) were being taken to court. She wanted to be there to support her mom. OK, so when are you leaving? I'm not. You know you'll regret it so you have 2 choices, we either drive down to ABQ or I put you on a plane. The next day, I told my boss I had to take a road trip and we drove down there the next day. No questions asked.

 

Now Feb comes, I've told my wife (at that time) that I'm moving to CO (from NJ) and we told the kids that mommy and daddy are getting divorced. I asked JR to fly out and and drive back with me. "I can't take any more time off. I've just been out for a week while my brother was visiting and I have too much to do at work and what am I supposed to do? Fly out there, stay in a hotel and you'll pick me up?". So I pack up the car on Sat (2/12) and leave first thing on Sunday morn. I drive for hours until I can't see straight anymore. Pull in for the night and get some rest. Back out first thing Mon morn (2/14) and make it into the office by 12PM with roses in hand and tap her on the back.

 

Life is good for a while. A few more trips down to ABQ, many honey-do-list items on her house. Now, my boys are going to visit me for 2 weeks. The 4 of us did things every day after she got off of work and the entire weekends. All she took off was 1/2 day during a 2 week period that they were there with me. During this time, something was wrong. She was very distant. When my boys left, we spent the night by her house. Now mind you, we hadn't been together for 2 weeks. Get to the house after work and she runs to the computer to check email and whatever. I sat there on the couch for 30 or so minutes while she played. She finally decided to come be with me and then I asked her, you know, ever since we've been dating, you know how romantic I've become. Intimacy with you has been a chore. Now, after being apart for 2 weeks, you still ran to the computer. What kind of BS is that??? That led to an argument. She needed time to think now. 3 weeks later of being apart, she wants to work things out. "This is new territory for me. Usually I'd just leave but you're worth it and I want us to work."

 

We worked on it and it got better. Sep came. I go back to see the boys for the weekend (which for months now has been every 3 weeks). I'm with my boys and she calls me up crying hysterically. Her aunt has a brain tumor. I ask if she wants me to come home but she says no. Just take your planned flight. We'll go see her when you get back.

 

For the next month, we drove from Denver to either Boulder or Pueblo every day. One night, we go up there and they did surgery on her aunt hoping that they could slow down the growth. We're there till around midnight and then drive home. The next day at work around 10:30, she's crying hysterically saying that her aunt won't make the day. We leave and head up to the hospital, again, no questions asked. She survived another 2 weeks. Her family planned to hold the memorial on the weekend I was going back east to see my boys. I changed those plans for the following week so I could be there for her and her family. It was a beautiful memorial. She was loved my hundreds of people.

 

The following Jan, we're in a meeting at a hotel when my cell goes off. It's my aunt. My grandmother died. She asked me if there was anything that she could get me. Just a soda. Off she went. I was on the phone for around 15 minutes and I looked over to the bar. There she was, sitting with our friends, smoking, drinking and laughing while I was all alone coping with my loss. All the while, there's my soda, on the table. 15 more minutes pass and now I'm just pissed. I supported you in everything and you're not even by my side for my tragedy. Now she comes out and I just snap at her telling her to go back inside and don't worry about me, the table is calling you. "I didn't want to be in your way or interupting you while you were making your calls".

 

Fight #2. She needs more time again. A few more weeks and now she's ready to work things out again. OK,ok, I'm an @ss.

 

More trips to ABQ. More time off of work for her family. Summer's coming again and that means the boys are out here again. You gonna take any time off while they're here? "You know I don't get as much vacation time as you". Thanks...

 

My divorce became final June 13th of this year. She was so elated (to everyone else when I called her from leaving court) but when I got back the next day, nothing. No excitement. Just another day.

 

We go to ABQ the weekend before my boys come out. She was going to be taking Wed-Fri off while they were here. The Wed, we were all going to go to another memorial for her uncle then Thur-Fri, we got our friends condo up at Keystone and were all going to spend a long weekend up there. Well, Wed was the memorial and then we'd head up there Thur after work. Now she's only taking off Fri. Big fight ensues on the 6 hour drive home and now it doesn't feel right to her anymore.

 

So in 6 weeks, I finalized my divorce of 17+ years and lost the Love of my life. It's taken me 2 months to come to grips that I did nothing wrong. It wasn't about me. She's the one with the issue. Even to this day, her actions don't match her works. "I miss by best friend. I miss talking to my friend. You're an important person to me". She speaks to me for 5 minutes a day at work, although that stopped. Does she ever call me after work to say hi? Nope, only when she has a problem or a question. I finally told her the other day that I'm not the Shell Answer guy anymore. And if you know who that is, you're dating yourself

 

The worst part of all of this is what I wanted out of JR, I got from my ex-wife, and I realized that I treated my ex-wife list such garbage for all of those years. I became my ex-wife and JR became the old me. I apologize to my ex-wife everytime I see and talk to her. We have the best relationship ever now.

 

Sorry for the novel but if you made it this far, thanks for your time.

[whichwayisup]

The worst part of all of this is what I wanted out of JR, I got from my ex-wife, and I realized that I treated my ex-wife list such garbage for all of those years. I became my ex-wife and JR became the old me. I apologize to my ex-wife everytime I see and talk to her. We have the best relationship ever now.

 

That's a very painful lesson you learned, but atleast you've changed your ways, and made ammends to your wife.

 

You say "relationship", does that mean you two are back together, or relationship as a divorced couple who are still intouch alot due to friendship and children together? Just wondering.

 

Anyway, I am glad you shared your life story.

[Gunny376]

Your relationship with JR was a re-bound/trainsistionary relationship from your marriage. They can be pretty strong and intense at times.

 

I'd go slow with the XW, since your "old" feelings could and will probally return.

 

JR's using you. You were more emotionally invested in her than she was you. The one that cares the least ~ controls the relationship. That wasn't you.

 

JR's a deadend. If you pursue this ~ you're the one that's going to get your ass handed to you as she walks on you. You're the one that's made the greatest investment in that relationship ~ with the least amount of return on your investment. Its a bad investment ~ cut you loses and move on.

 

JR's sounds as though she's got FBS ~ Flakey Broad Syndrone. FBS's are fun to date for the shortrun, but they're just too damn much work in the long run. You can't please them, satisfy them, pacify them, make them happy, and if you do ~ you don't know how the Hell or what in the Hell it was that you did to acheive it, and thus you don't know how to repeat the process.

[Walk]

No offense, but this is a good example of why people should take a long time out between relationships. Sort through the crap in their head first before involving another person into their life.

 

Anyway... I know there's two sides to every coin. So although JR might seem like a flake, user.. she may have been reacting to a non-communicated message the OP was unintentionally sending. I don't know.. .doesn't really matter. I don't feel that he was ready to jump back into a full blown relationship without taking down time to come to gripes with his new life.

 

You never stated if you figured out what was missing in the marriage? Have you figured that out yet? There must've been a reason you disconnected? You don't seem like just an ass, so it seems as if there was a catalyst, a reason...

 

What did JR provide that you weren't finding in your marriage?

 

These are kind of important to know if you want to have a better relationship in the future. It's great that you learned you undervalued your exWife and you're attempting to create a better relationship with her for the sake of your sons... But really dig into the why's of what went wrong with the relationship. Learn from it. Don't place all the blame on the other person, see it as unbiasedly as possible. Where you went wrong, where they went wrong, and how those things could be avoided in the future. Otherwise, you'll continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over....

[COGuyFromNY]

Thanks all for your comments. It is appreciated.

 

whichwayisup

The relationship I'm referring to is friends. We're better friends now then we ever were. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Gunny376

I can see where you would say that this was a rebound but unless I'm really naive, to me this wans't. My marriage was over for a while before I ever met JR. I was the once who wanted out and I wasn't upset about it.

 

What I failed to put in the thread was that I was out on my own for a while in CO in my own place, very happy at where I was personally. I even told a buddy that I would never think of getting into a relationship for a while.

 

Very good advice and thank you very much...

 

Walk

You are correct, there are always two sides to every story and I am by no means perfect and am reflecting on and fixing the things that I did during the tango.

 

What was missing is maturity. Being married from a very young age, you think you know things but you really don't. I never had time to learn what I was about and what I wanted out of life. After a while, the bitching and complaining (on both sides) just made it too much. Then I realized that I just was never "in" Love with her. I realized that we were just roommates.

 

JR provided feelings that I never felt before. The butterflies mostly, which lasted the entire time together. The feeling of completeness and of being whole for the first time in my life.

[Gunny376]

Thanks all for your comments. It is appreciated.

 

 

 

Gunny376

I can see where you would say that this was a rebound but unless I'm really naive, to me this wans't. My marriage was over for a while before I ever met JR. I was the once who wanted out and I wasn't upset about it.

 

What I failed to put in the thread was that I was out on my own for a while in CO in my own place, very happy at where I was personally. I even told a buddy that I would never think of getting into a relationship for a while.

 

Very good advice and thank you very much...

 

I hear what your saying ~ before, during and after. But, print this out, and put it on the shelf for two or three years and then look back and you'll see with even more clarity what I'm saying. And, its not that I question your intellegence with this ~ its a factor of time. I've been divorced 16 yeas, got out of my last long term relationship 8 years ago, and went the solo bachelor route intentionally. The last 8 years have been real eye openers ~ because when you're there alone by yourself ~ you can't lie to yourself for very long and very convincingly.

[worriedsick]

I'm not trying to pass judgment, but perhaps all of this could have been avoided had you not started a relationship before you were even divorced. You say "it was over" a long time before the divorce was final, but it sounds a bit like you were looking for someone else to latch onto relationship-wise before you could end your marriage, kind of like you thought you were "trading up" or something. IMO, it doesn't matter how over a marriage is - you shouldn't be pursuing another relationship until those divorce papers are signed.

[COGuyFromNY]

worriedsick

 

It's all good. Not taking it like you were passing judgement. I will say this though, I realized that I never included the following info in my original post and I know that this will sound like an excuse but...

 

When I started coming out to CO on a regular basis, I ended up working with this one guy on the project I was out here for. We became really great friends. We'd talk about everything. I told him about my impending divorce and how I couldn't care less if it was years before I met another woman. I was so looking forward to being single again. To be able to come and go as I please without answering to anyone.

 

Was actually quite happy being a hermit there for a while. When JR and I began becomming friends, that's all it was, just friends. Like I said, I wasn't interested in anything more or for that matter, even getting into a relationship.

 

What ended up happening was that we just grew closer than I did with anyone else and one thing just led to another. Flirting is just one of those human nature things, quite harmless. I've always flirted with women before and she was no different, in the beginning anyway.

 

As time went on (a few months actually), I think that we both realized that there was something there. That's when it happened, that one night when I kissed her.

 

I even told my buddy how I couldn't believe that I was getting into another relationship, especially based on how I just wanted to be alone for a while...

 

Bottom line is this, unless I'm just blind, I personally don't feel that I was searching for anyone to latch onto. I just went with the flow and it was great there for a while...

 

Thanks for your response though. It gives me another perspective to think about.

[Romeo Must Die]

Im so happy for you and your family. I really liked this story, from beginning to end. I can relate to alot of things you have said. Sometimes people dont appreciate what they have until it is almost too late. Then fate steps in to help them learn things about themselves and those around them. People here always ask how do you test your spouse. In my opinion, Jeopardy is love's ultimate test. It opened your eyes to things you were otherwise blinded by (JR) who partied instead of being there for you when your grandmother died. You also saw a wife and children who was there for you and went through all that with you. It's an amazing story, Co Guy. You didnt leave out any details, you were completely honest and theres so many positive changes I see in you already.

 

PS Have you ever thought your Grandma must be watching over you?

 

[COGuyFromNY]

Hey Romeo

 

Thanks very much for your comments and I'm sory to hear that you can relate. I don't wish any of this on even my worst enemies.

 

The unfortunate part is that I had a wife who loved and adored me and I didn't feel the same for her and I gave her up. What I was looking for from the ex GF was what I got from the ex-wife.

 

All I can say after much soul searching is that in the end, I'm a better person because of how I changed personally and spiritually. The ex-GF is just sitting at home, all alone, none the better or wiser and probably will never change her spots. Her loss. Like I did with the ex wife, she threw away a great partner and an even better friend.

 

It's funny how she always would complain about almost being 40 and never married. I SOOOO wanted to just say to her "Do you think that there's a reason for that possibly?" but I never will. That would just be sour grapes.

[Guest]

am i the only one that gets confused when it 'appears' that genders are reversed and initials are used instead of names...

 

if i followed that story correctly, i believe i submitted my review to the panel earlier - would they like me to post it? or upon review i was totally off the mark