Guest Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I don't know what to do here and I was just wanting someone to give advice or just throw ideas back at me. I've really never been to this forum before but recent dealings with my wife have brought me here. I've been married to my wife for over 3 years now and we've been together for almost 7 years. My wife had a horrible childhood. Her Dad left my wife, her mom, and the younger sister when my wife was only 4 years old. My wifes mom had absolutely no money and her dad was a dead beat. I think out of desperation my wife's mom married a horrible man to help take care of her and her two kids. This man was verbal abusive to the kids, and violent and verbal abusive to the mom. The mother prevent him from ever touching the kids thank god, but I think emotionally he did a lot of damage to my wife and her younger sister. My wife has some serious problems with self esteem, temper, and depression. I believe she brought all this baggage into our relationship. I'm not perfect either and I'm not going to pretend, I'm going to try and give both sides the best I can so you guys have a clear picture of what's going on. I'm a very private person, I have a very hard time opening up and communicating. My wife is desperate for attention and I believe she literally craves 3 hours of deep conversation every day. With my personallity I can give her no where that much attention. This has lead to frustration on my wife's part and she constantly complained that I don't pay enough attention to her. At first I tried to give her the attention she wanted but I was constantly failing to her standerds. I'd pull away and she would want even more attention. The more she wanted the less I was giving. It was a sowball effect. This problem in my marriage made us both bitter and mad. My wifes extreme temper pushed my temper. I literally feel like I never had a temper problem before I met my wife, but I too am flying off the handle all the time too, usually a reaction to her temper, but I feel like each time I get mad it takes less and less for me to explode the next time. After an absolute horrible week last week my wife came to me on Thursday and said she wanted me to move out. We had like a 3 hour long conversation and I said I wanted to try and work things out. Friday I get home rom work and I want to talk our problems over, but she want's to go out and party. My wife wasn't a partier until this last month, I believe she has been going through a mid life crises the last month, her personality has changed and even her values in life have changed. Saturday night the same thing, When I got home from work I wanted to talk over our problems. Nope she's going out. I begged her to stay home and talk, I said our marriage is on the line here and I can't believe you don't want to talk this over. After my wife left to go partying again, I packed my bags and moved out. I moved over to my parents house. Saturday night at 4 in the mounring she calls me and is absolutely furious. We talked some Sunday but not much. I felt like monday I had a complete 180 on my attitude and I decide I really do want to make this thing work out no matter what. Even with all the problems in our marriage I believe if we went to see a counslor and get our problems fixed we can make this thing work out. What I want is to take this whole process slow, talk to counslors, get back into to dating and see if we can make this thing work out. Monday I call a Priest and ask about marriage consling. My wife and I arn't Catholic but my wife wanted to joint the Church about 6 months ago. In my frustration with the marriage I refused, but at this point I'm willing to try anything. I had a good talk with the Priest and he gives me a lot of information. I get ahold of my wife and she basically says absolutley not, she's not doing it. She wants out and she's not giving me a chance at getting back together. I try to tell my wife that this counsoling will help us either way, if we get back together or not. I tell my wife I truly care about her and I want her to be happy weather or not we end up together. I tell her that with her emotional problems she will never be able to be in a relationship. With me or anybody else if she doesn't give counsoling a chance. My wife's response just blew me away and gave me a good idea about what kind of world she's been living in lately. She tells me that she will find true love. I'm not the person for her and I never will be. When she does find true love it won't matter what is wrong with either of them, they'll be able to work anything out because they are truly in love. That's what true love is. I feel like I'm dealing with someone in a fantasy world right now. I feel like her would is going to blow up in her face. My wife doesn't know how live without a partner. I have takin care of everything because when we got together she didn't know how too, and she never has takin the time to learn. I honestly feel like she's about to crash and burn and it really tears me up inside. I also feel the reason she doesn't want to see a counslor is because she doesn't want anybody telling her she's wrong. Like I said she's been living in a fantasy world. Throught our entire marriage everything has been my fault. I don't think she wants to face reality that some things could possibly be her fault. My first thoughts on this matter after my last conversation was that I was going to give her a few days and bring this back up, hopefully after some time away from the situation she will re-consider. I want to try and work this out but I just don't know. Can this be salvaged? Can marriage counsling fix our problems and save our marriage? Am I living in a fantasy world believing counsoling can do that? What are your thoughts.
pricillia Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Wow you have said so much and I think that you have a good grasp on what is going on. I think in this case only time will tell, if you push her too hard it may backfire, it sounds like by her reaction to you she is looking for some space right now quote.. I try to tell my wife that this counsoling will help us either way, if we get back together or not. I tell my wife I truly care about her and I want her to be happy weather or not we end up together. I tell her that with her emotional problems she will never be able to be in a relationship. With me or anybody else if she doesn't give counsoling a chance. This is probably true but I think that if she does have emotional problems it is hard for her to hear what you are telling her. You will have to take this day by day and decide how much time and effort you would like to put into it. Does anyone else want to chime in here?
Green Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 So your wifes got a sad past dont use that a crutch for all your problems, in that same reasoning you could argue she never should have married you in the first place because her past had messed up her judgement when she picked you. It would be great if you guys got counsling and things work out but it sounds like shes not up for that it may be the end if you guys have kids you should try to be civil about this entire process. good luck i hope you do get back togather
Rooster_DAR Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 She's ****ing somebody else, I'm sure of it.
pricillia Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 She's ****ing somebody else, I'm sure of it. That thought did cross my mind Rooster...Just how she asked him to move out and how she said that no matter how messed up she is someone will love her anyway, sounds like she may have someone else in mind.
Big_AL_60 Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 She's ****ing somebody else, I'm sure of it. I'm the one who started this thread. My wife isn't fvcing someone but she had started talking to another man this past week. She thought it was alright in her defense because they happened slept together but I told her she's making an emotional attachment to another man which makes it just as bad as cheating. I do think this is a major reason why she won't talk to me. Is there any hope here? I'd also like to add my wife has done nothing of the sort like this before. She's been a home body our entire marriage. I think this is part of her mid life crises. But this last part is a huge reason why I believe she isn't talking to me and refusing theorapy. Like I said earlier, my wife never admits she's wrong. It was like pulling teeth to try and concvince her that what she was doing here is wrong.
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