tangerine trees Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 So in my situation, this guy really cared about me and pursued me. He said he didnt think I liked him when we initially got together. Things were really good for a while, but then all of a sudden, he stopped responding to my calls and blowing me off. Now I haven't heard from him in a month. I have done no contact; I sent him one message that said "Have I done something wrong? Sorry to keep bothering you mith messages and phone calls, I just miss you." and after he didnt respond to that, I gave up. I didn't understand what went wrong. I accidentally saw him and a friend in a coffee shop, and he was polite but cold. I asked his friend later if he knew WHY this had happened, and his friend said that he mentioned something about my mom yelling at him. Granted, my mom DID freak out at his family, calling his mom multiple times, probably screaming at her. I got into trouble for driving him on the highway, and his mom told my mom and she flipped a ****. He's told me before that parents really intimidate him, and expressed worries about what my parents think of him. I think other factors must have played into it too though, such as him being away at school. And either way, its not cool that he just ended it by blowing me off. If this is really the reason that he ended it, does that mean theres more of a chance of reconcilliation? Could this be the reason he ended it? Also, would it be bad to send him a brief letter along with a CD he left in my car? You know, something like "Remember [insert memory]? I really liked you. Hope we can be friends again some day." Because you know, some people are saying pour your heart out once, and I never poured it out at all. Before my friend told me that he ended it because my mom freaked out, people told me that I should definently NOT send a letter. Now, however some people are saying that I should. It still matters to me, I'm still hung up on him. But if he ended it in such a cold way, whos to say he will even care?
norajane Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 If he's that much of a weenie that he can't handle parents, and that much of a weenie to just drop you without talking to you, you should just forget about him. No matter what you two had, it's not worth chasing after him. His fundamental nature is that of a weenie.
swirly27 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Hey Tangerine, I see you made a new post for this so I'd though I'd check in. Here's the thing, there is no right or wrong answer here....we all have advice to give mainly from making all different choices and learning from them. But you never learn from stuff until it is usually over and you can look back and observe what happened and learn from it. Its always easier from someone on the outside, not going thru your exact situation with you specific ex to give advice because their heart is not involved and we can think more logically. So, here is my advice: Do what YOU need to do to feel better. If that is to contact him and let him know how you felt and feel, then do that. You don't have to be pleading or crying, just send him an email or some other way to communicate that how you felt and that you'd like to know why things ended. But, keep this in mind - prepare to hear nothing at all again or not what you want to hear; prepare to hear excuses that mean nothing to you or aren't good enough or prepare for the worst thing possible, whatever that would be for you. Because as an outsider looking at your situation, I can ask....would you really want to be with someone that just disappears out of your life because your parents intimidated him? Even if he stopped liking you or your parents were too much to handle, what kind of schmuck just disappears and says nothing?? Especially when you texted him something and he still just ignored you?? Do you REALLY want to be with a guy like that or do you just miss him and your ego is bruised? A guy who does that, what else will he disappear on or run from when times get tough....see where this is going? Now you read my post and see I am going thru almost the same thing as you and I still miss him and hope he'll contact me.....but if my ex stopped liking me or couldn't deal with the expectations of dating, he should have said SOMETHING instead of absolutely NOTHING....its cowardly and we shouldn't want cowards. It hurts and its confusing and we're the ones left heartbroken, but we'll heal and find better partners and they will always be the way they are, cowardly or not able to deal or whatever else. They may in the future look back on us and realize what schmucks they were....most of my guy friends look back and know their mistakes, but they learn from them and move on....so our exes hopefully one day will learn from their behavior, but until then, we shouldn't be waiting for them. The other thing I learned with my first love, which was when I was in highschool, was that most of the time, I was just upset about losing him or him breaking it off with me....when we'd get back together, I didn't even know if I wanted it because he was a jerk....but when we'd break up, then I'd want it....it was mostly my ego. We deserve to be treated better!! Its not an IF its a DEFINITE....we do, its that black and white. But, you may need to contact him or try and get answers or pour your heart out and maybe some good will come from it maybe it won't....but whatever you do, you'll be able to learn from it and know new things for the next time you're in a relationship. Let us know what you do!
Author tangerine trees Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 His fundamental nature is that of a weenie. Swirly, thanks for your words of encouragement once again! Yeah, I thought I would make a seperate thread, although it relates largely to your situation. A lot of this is about ego. I suppose you could say my self esteem is instable; this guy made me feel really good about myself, and then totally reversed everything he did. But at the same time, I really liked him, and the memories I had with him were such special ones. I'm leaning towards sending him a letter. I wont stop wondering about it unless I do, I think I might need the peace of mind to know that I put in an effort. My main reservation would be that contacting him would make him less likely to ever come back, but as Norajane said, he's a weenie so I guess that might be for the better.
swirly27 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Again, whatever makes YOU feel better. 2 yrs ago I went thru the worst breakup of my life and he wasn't a coward, he did break up with me, but I was soooo blindsighted and hadn't seen it coming and I was really into him and it just crushed me. We tried to be friends and that didn't go over so well and AT THAT TIME I wanted whatever I could get, friends, whatever. I sent him 2 emails on 2 seperate occasions stating how I felt and all of my thoughts. Did it hurt things, not really, but it didn't help either and NOW after looking back on everything that happened, I wish I had never sent the letters. But, I did and its done and its whats happened and I learned from it. At least I know I told him how I felt and I tried.....but the way I felt after I sent them was worse, but I had to do it to learn that.....so you do what makes you feel better. Maybe this will be the closure you need, just to say your peace of mind.
LakesideDream Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 There is always the possibility that something he couldn't handle happened in his life that wasn't tied to his relationship with you... There just isn't enough info for you to know what to do. My advice? Send him a short note, maybe a Hallmark with his CD. If it makes you feel better it's worth the effort. It certainly can't hurt anything. I feel bad for you. You just got hit by something unfair. I wish I could tell you things will get better, and I hope they will.
Author tangerine trees Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 Thanks, Lakeside, and anyone else who took the time to read
Author tangerine trees Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Ok well to those of you who want to know my plan of action: (ie Swirly and.. Swirly) Ok well to Swirly.... I'm about 87% sure that I'm going to send the following letter along with his grindcore CD: -------------------- Dear ***, Here's your "good ****" CD. I've had it for a while now, thought I'd return it to you. Remember sleeping on the roof? And that night in the city? I really liked you, and I don't really understand what happened. It's too bad it didn't work out. I'm sorry that my mom freaked out at your family; she's out of line but she's getting a little better. I miss being friends with you and hope we can be friends again someday. - Leonora ------------------ I think it gets the point across, but is short enough so its not overly emotional. yes? no? approve? disapprove?? anyone? I add the friends comment because we were friends for a loooong time before anything happened. and friends dont treat friends that way!
norajane Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Seriously, he's a weenie. Don't send the letter. You didn't do anything wrong, and don't need to apologize on your mother's behalf. He can't deal with reality and talk to you like a normal person, so why, why, why do you want his so-called friendship? Friends don't just stop talking to you. He's not a friend.
swirly27 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Tangerine....I have to agree with Norajane. I understand why a part of you (I think 87% haha) wants to put your feelings out there just in case he doesn't know what they are.....but objectively, he is a weenie! haha He KNEW you liked him and cared about you.....BUT even IF he wasn't sure just how much you cared, he spent time with you and was intimate with you and obviously knew you liked him enough to spend that time with him.....if he was any kind of guy and was unsure about how you felt towards him, he would have asked......he WOULD NOT just disappear after you two had plans one day and never respond again...GOOD GUYS or guys who deserve your affection don't act that way. Whats hard is you are trying to grasp and understand why he did what he did and because you miss him soooo much, you are hoping there is SOME explanation that will make it all make sense.....I still do the same with my ex, so I understand.....but my MIND also knows that if my ex could just disappear with no explanation or words or ANYTHING, then that is not the type of guy I want to be with....and I miss him like crazy, especially tonight for some reason. You gotta give yourself more time and realistically, move on. You deserve much better.....and when you DO meet someone that treats you good, you will look back on this and consider it a healthy learning experience. If you truly want to give him back a cd that is his, I would give it to a friend to give to him. WHEN/IF he ever decides he wants to give you an explanation, then maybe decide telling him how you felt about what happened....but don't ask for his friendship....if a girlfriend treated you like that, you wouldn't necessarily just let her treat you like that....this guy didn't and doesn't treat you like a friend, so he doesn't deserve your friendship. He's got some growing up to do and in the meantime, you move on and find someone who deserves you! You can do it!
Author tangerine trees Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 this is a very no nonsense forum, haha. my friend just pointed out to me that simply because his friend said my mom is the reason doesnt mean that its true. he could just be covering for him. hmmmm. i dont really see another reason though.
norajane Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 this is a very no nonsense forum, haha. my friend just pointed out to me that simply because his friend said my mom is the reason doesnt mean that its true. he could just be covering for him. hmmmm. i dont really see another reason though. What if he found someone else he liked better and was too much of a weenie to tell you face to face? That's one possible reason. Another is that he just decided you weren't right for each other. That's another possible reason. And you know why you're sitting around wondering and trying to make up excuses for him and trying to figure out how to get him to respond to you? Because he stopped talking to you, he just dropped you without a word. Don't give him more credit than he deserves.
swirly27 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 How are you making out Tangerine? Nora is right though, we shouldn't give them anymore credit than they deserve. The only main difference in my situation versus yours is that I broke it off with my ex.....but he basically ended it because he kept blowing me off all of a sudden and I am thinking he wanted to end it but just didn't have the balls, so I technically did it but I think he 'stepped out' first. But because I don't know for sure, my mind still wraps around the questions and the whys and whens and its hard. But we shouldn't give them anymore credit than they deserve. Because I did end it with him, I even put pride aside and tried calling my ex once and left a nice message and I heard nothing back, so in my head, there is nothing else I can do. I am taking the hint I guess and thats why I can't contact him again, but it hurts. I'm sure you can look at my situation and think my ex is a 'weenie' haha, so put the same outlook to your ow situation.....thats what I try to do everytime I give someone else advice.
Author tangerine trees Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 im doing ok. i dont know anything about the situation anymore. swirly i read your thread, to me it seems like he just wasnt over his ex, and he wasnt ready to care about someone deeply no matter how deserving you are of being cared for. he probably saw it as a fun rebound thing, and got freaked out as you wanted something more serious, and its not your fault at all because he just wasnt over his ex. not your fault at all. in my situation, i really cant see a reason at all.
swirly27 Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Hey Tangerine, just wanted to post to you to have a nice weekend. I won't be around for a few days so I wanted to get my last posts in. I am sorry that this is still really hard for you but I understand. You want a reason to have it all make sense and it you may never get that reason.....but it WILL get easier and the need to have all the answers will fade with time....you can count on that, its just waiting for it to happen is the hard part. But I hope you have fun this weekend and stay busy and do something nice for yourself. Thanks for the words about my ex - I believe he wasn't over his ex either, but I think more in a bad way......I think, from what I hear, she really screwed him up majorly and I think he thought he was ready for a relationship and then when it started getting to that, he didn't want to deal - I know its not my fauly, I really do.....but it still hurts to think that he thought I was this great attractive girl that he wanted to meet for a year and then when he has me, I am not great enough to want to stay with - it just hurts making me think that something must be wrong with me....but I know there's not....this is why I still need more time! lol The only reason you need to keep telling yourself about your ex is that he is a coward and also a d*ck too but mainly a coward. You don't want a coward, you want a real man! lol I'll be back in a couple days! Take care!
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