I feel cheated LONG POST!

[Guest]

I can not decide what to do in my situation. You see, I love my husband very much but I feel that he doesn't love me back. He has cheated on me and shows me very little affection. I think he only stays with me out of obligation to our son. I know that leaving sounds like the logical step to take but I can't seem to bring myself to end our marriage.

 

You see my mother was a serious drug addict and drinker. She disappeared when I was five and I went to stay with my grandmother. After that I saw her off and on over the years but she died of a drug overdose when I was thirteen. My grandmother died for years ago. My mother had no idea who my father is. I don't even really have any close friends. The only people I have right now are my husband and son.

 

I am not certain if I was born with a mild facial deformity because of my mother's activities during her pregnancy but I am quite ugly. I have been teased about it my entire life. Even as an adult, people sometimes still stare or snicker at me.

 

I didn't date growning up. I was teased so badly by the guys at school that I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that no one would ever find me attractive enough to get to know me. I had one boyfriend in highschool and that lasted all of a month because he was only interested in taking my virginity and dumped me promptly afterwards.

 

I met my husband at work. He showed interest in me from the beginning but I was too leary to let him get close to me. He stuck it out until I came around and won me over rather quickly. It was a fairytale romance. I thought I had found someone who could see me for who I was on the inside. I fell deeply in love with him and I thought he felt the same.

 

When we were dating everything was great but then just a year into our marriage I knew something was very wrong. He started to pull away, started to change. I panicked. I read so many different books, tried to talk to him about us, and tried to put the spark back into our marriage but he remained unchanged.

 

He started to overreact about any little thing I did wrong. If I went shopping and forgot something on the list for example, he would rant about how I never do anything right. He stopped doing things with me and kept telling me it was because we had nothing in common which was total BS. We enjoyed most of the same things.... it was like he wanted to convince himself of these things.

 

Then he left me for a month saying he needed to be seperated to get his head on straight. He returned home and said that he resolved his issues while he was gone and realized how much he missed and loved me. He was so nice and loving to me for awhile but then pulled away from me once again once I became pregnant and hasn't treated me the same since.

 

I found out from the other woman ( and he decided to come clean so it's all true), that he had an affair on me that started before we were married and when he took that time off to go get his head on straight he was really going to start a new life with her but they decided they couldn't go through with it. I was devastated. I would of done anything for this man. There was a time I would of given my life for his and he would do this to me.

 

This woman and him are no longer together by HER choice. She wanted to really try and work things out with her estranged husband and they have since moved clear across the country. She only told me about the affair because my husband refused to stick to NC and kept insisting they could stay friends.

 

Since then he is civil to me, as usual, but doesn't really bother hanging around me very often. He is and always has been, very good to our son and is an excellent father but just has no interest in me. I am so heartbroken over all of this. I have been in therepy for awhile now and am getting nowhere fast with this issue.

 

I know I am just second choice. I know he doesn't really want me. I also know the odds are I will spend the rest of my life alone if I leave. The facts are that I am ugly, pretty broke, no spring chicken, and have a child. I'm not going to be anyone's top choice for a new mate. I feel like this may be the only relationship I may ever have and I am terrified to let go of it.

 

That's for letting me vent.

 

(Moderator thank's poster for making nice paragraphs without being asked.)

[whichwayisup]

You have to decide which is the less of the two evils. Staying in a marriage with a man who you think doesn't love you, or living alone with your child.

 

I feel your pain and I am sorry for all that you've been through. Can I ask? Would you consider some counselling, because I really believe if you felt confident in yourself, you could make it on your own. On your own meaning not relying on your husband emotionally. When it comes to the $$, the child is his as well so he'll be paying child support (if you two split up). I would just hate to see him cheat on you again and again...And staying with someone out of fear that you won't find anybody else again may not be the right thing for you.

 

Anyway, no need to make any decisions now, but you need to think about this. This relationship with him may be doing MORE damage to you than you know.

 

Honestly? He's not a prize, nor is he a trustworthy person. YOU are too good for him!!! He let you down, he cheated on you and lied to you all throughout your marriage. Again, I don't think he's worth it, hopefully someday soon you'll see that too.

[insomnie]

From your post it does sound like your husband doesn't love you. Does he make any effort to show you he loves you? Is he completely unwilling to work on the relaitionship with you to make it work for you, too?

 

If you know for sure that you are his "second choice" and that he in fact is staying only for your son, until someone better comes along, I think you need to ask yourself what exactly YOU are getting from this relationship.

 

It doens't sound like you are getting love or affection.

 

If he was willing to abandon you before for another woman, how do you know he won't be willing to do the same in the future? You are certianly not getting any security.

 

In my opinion staying only because you don't think you will find anyone else is foolish. For one thing, what are you staying for? You mentioned that he is a good father to your son, and it sounds like he is a decent provider, but it doesn't sound like he is making you happy. And if he is unwilling to try to understand you and give you the attention, love, and affection you need to BE happy in the relaitonship, there's no real reason for you to stay with him.

 

Plus, you don't relaly know that you won't find someone. You're not in high school anymore...it's easy for kids to pick on someone because she is "ugly", but in the adult world, everyone *isn't* thin, carefree, healthy, and 17. People gain weight, develop heart disease, wrinkle up... and suddenly looks aren't everything anymore. And you have a lot to offer: compassion, intelligence, a tremendous amount of life experience, the ability to be a good partner. There are a lot of lonely people out there, and I think you'd be surprised by how age and experience changes what people look for in a partner. Love is great, and you deserve to find it, while your husband certainly doesn't deserve you.

 

I know it can be scary to leave a relationship, especially with the mindset that no one else will want you, but I think you have to take a good look at your husband and ask yourself what exactly he is giving you that you won't have when you leave. You're not in a relationship anyway if your husband disregards your feelings.