Guest Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 OK, could definitly use some advice, I am at a loss as to what to do, how to act, etc. The basic facts: I'm 25 and my husband is 29, we have been married for 7 years and together for 9. We have a 5 year old son and I am 8 months pregnant. I don't have a job, and have been a stay at home mom for 5 years. My husband moved out a week ago, before that he was sleeping on the couch for a few weeks. He says he doesn't know if he wants to come back, he doesn't know if he wants to be married, he just doesn't know anything. I think it would be a whole lot easier if he knew something. . . . .so, anyways, here's the story, sorry it's so long, but well, it was a 7 year marriage. It's probably best to start at the beginning. While engaged to my husband, I cheated on him. Plain and simple, flat out cheated on him. Me and the other man were close, not boyfriend girlfriend close, but close like friends. Sadly he was a good friend, the kind you cry with, the kind you tell stuff too, (sadly I had a lot to cry about) and things went too far, for about a month things went too far. There are a million reasons that I used to justify these actions in my head, but it's stupid to go over them because when it all boils down to it. . . . . it was wrong, selfish, and the absolute worst thing I have ever done in my life (and that's saying a lot). Well, when the wedding drew near things ended, he wanted to stay friends, I said there was no way in hell. Me and my husband got married. He'd ask and I would lie. No, just a friend, nothing happened. . . . . . . until I told him, about a month after we got married, although there is dispute over when. But I didn't tell him. Not in detail, not all that happened. Just, yes I cheated on you. You can either choose to accept this like I do your "enter something from the varied list" or we get an annulment. He'd continue to ask, for about a year. He just wanted to know what went on, etc etc. But I refused to talk about it. Why? because I was stupid and thought it would hurt him more if I told him details, I thought I was sparing him pain by eating it all myself. Yes, I had remorse, guilt, pain over the whole thing, still do. And I didn't want to share that with him. I didn't want to cause him anymore pain. I put up with a lot of emotional and physical abuse because I felt it was what I deserved. I cheated on him so I deserved to be suffocated, trampled, thrown against walls, having objects thrown at me and locked out on the patio of the place I was paying for us to live in. I deserved being told I meant nothing and was nothing. I deserved the drugs, my car being stolen so he could go get drugs even if I needed it to get to work so I could pay for his drugs and the rent, and the bills . . . And then he became the man I knew he was. After the birth of our son he grew up. Had to, at least after a time, it was for only a short while that diapers and baby stuff got put under drugs on the list of neccessities. There was a reason I married him even though everyone told me I was stupid. On our wedding day right after the wedding my grandfather pulled me aside and told me I had just made the stupidest mistake of my life. And I can see why he and everyone else thought that, after all I had paid for everything for the wedding, right down to my own wedding ring, and it was my 17th birthday that he proposed, but. . . . . .he was and is a good guy. He has a heart of gold. He has a sympathetic ear, and while he is abrupt he tells it like it is and does not lie. He is the giver of great hugs, a great source of comfort. He is caring and loyal to those he deems worthy. He will stand up for whatever he believes in and will stand up for those he cares about even when he doesn't agree. He was always there . . . .he just was more hidden before. And then he came out in full force. The drugs were gone, and with it went the violent outbursts (mostly), he started working harder to become the sole provider so I could stay home. We grew up together. The 16 year old and the 20 year old moved away from family, alone. Bought a house, had a kid, made a life. And I thought everything was enough. I thought we had a good marriage. Yes, we would fight, what else would you expect of two people. . . you're not always going to agree on everything. What matters is what happens in the long run. And I thought we did ok. More happy than bad. Now 25 and 29. Then along came another 17 year old. Youth, fresh, invigorating . . . .apparently tempting. Too many similar qualities to what I was for me to be comfortable. And also a familiar dejavu of another sort. . . . . . . the friend. The person to talk to, the one to confide in, the shoulder to cry on. . . . . no way, NOT comfortable at all. He was tempted and was a bigger person than I though and said no. But damage was done. I feel emotionally cheated on. That's MY shoulder you're resting your head on. Those are my ears he's lending you. After all this time we don't talk like we used to, we're comfortable . . . . and now he's giving it to you??? Where's enthusiasm for me? Why when I am right across the table does he interrupt and text you? I'm hurt, but it doesn't count. . . .cause he didn't physically do anything? But I have no choice but to "get over it". Yes, I was given a choice, I could stop it then, no more friends or let him keep “her”. Ya sure, stay friends even though I am not so old I don't know what goes on in the 17 year old mind. Stay friends even though I'm still hurt. And I go out of my way to be nice. I see her and I put a smile on my face. I try to find common ground. I try to chit chat. And when one of my best friends has a problem with her I defend HER. I stick up for her and even fight with my friend to defend her. No she didn't ask me to be nice, I doubt she even cares whether I am or not. But it makes my husband happy. That's what I want. And in all this mess my past comes up. He asks again for the "truth", so we finally talk about it. I finally try to the best of my ability to give him the details, answer his questions, and let him have this pain he says he wants. It's been over 7 years, so things are hazy in my mind but I try. Things move on. Seems like things are going better than before even, now I am getting the attention he was giving her. This means I reciprocate in kind and treat him with extra attention. . . . . . And then it starts. Every little thing sets him off. He explodes. One minute he's yelling at me for not being able to make my own decisions when all I am doing is asking for his input . . . .and the next he is yelling at me that I make all the decisions and am trying to control his life. In fact he tells me I have been controlling his life for 9 years, that I am manipulative, I am a liar, I am a hypocrite. . . . .. I am this horrible, horrible person. What happened???? I was just fine and worthy a couple months ago and now. . . . now I'm a monster? Everything I say causes a fight, everything I do is to cause him some grief of one kind or another. I'm lost. What did I do? Walking on eggshells here, I'm timid to talk, afraid to touch. I get told that I am stupid, incompetent, pathetic and asinine. That people like me should be removed off the face of the earth. Hard, harsh words that no one should have to hear from the one they love. I’ve heard these types of things come from his mouth before. . . . . but that was the old husband. The drugged or drunk husband, this is the husband I care most about, and he’s killing me inside here. And then he's back to writing her . . . . . I catch the tail end of a conversation with her where she is writing have "sweet, or is it sweat dreams", "I <3 u", "don't forget to delete". Ok, on top of having to deal with what I am currently dealing with I now have to deal with "her" again?????? First off, I blame "her". This all seemed to start with "her". Now he seems unhappy with me since he had a taste of "her". Look, it's in parentheses because it is not her herself, I don't know if she knows what she is doing or not. . . . I don't know. "Her" is the situation. The him and the her and the crap that went on are "her". So, I'm manipulative, I admit it. . . . I feel like I am losing my husband and this is just icing on the cake. Steal his phone chit chat with her and get more than I bargained for. She tells me, "him" how she still wants to be with him, adores him, would be willing to lie to me (his wife) to keep being "friends" with him. I promised you forever, etc etc etc. And apparently the convo between the two. . . .all about how he wants her to hold him, misses her, wants to be with her. HELLO? I am right there! Why are you getting so mad and angry and vicious with me when apparently somewhere in there is this guy that wants closeness? The next step in all this. . . he's sleeping on the couch, refuses to talk with me. . . . wants me to just leave him alone, which I find really hard . . . I want to fight for this man I love, I want to save this marriage that I hold dear. . . I don't want to break this family up. . . . and I still don't know what it is I did. He's talking about separation, divorce, . . . . and I don't know what's going on. And she is still sending him texts, "I admire you, I adore you" "I wish I could tell you that we would work, but I don't know", "every song I hear", "I wish I could show you how much I care", . . . . . what am I up against here? You know, we're having problems in our marriage and there's this distraction. If friendship was the main motive and desire than wouldn't a friend not say stuff like this when there is problems in the other friend's marriage? Wouldn't a friend instead give a listening ear and not give this one sided "input"? And if they couldn't keep from being one-sided then wouldn't it be more respectful to then back off and let the friend work on their marriage or work on dissolving it, whichever the friend thinks would make him happiest? I'm sure if things end then you'll be the first to know. The truth of the matter is, you can’t stay friends after those feelings are there, it doesn’t work, never has; and especially not when you keep giving these feelings a voice. Well, we figure out what is causing him to have such a short fuse, it's my affair of over 7 years ago. Apparently knowing the details was too much. Now it hurts him fresh all over again. . .. . and he says I have been lying to him for over 7 years about it because I didn't share the details with him before. That everything I have done since then is now "tainted" with the fact that he feels I was harboring this deep, dark secret the whole time. It doesn't matter that I have been faithful since, it doesn't matter that I have been with him every step of the way this whole time, it doesn’t matter what I have dealt with, what I have gone through, that he has never been perfect either, doesn't matter that I gave him a son and about to give him another, I’ve given up dreams for him (and would gladly do so again) it all just doesn't matter. He views me as a vicious liar because of what I thought was sparing him pain. No one is right, no one wins. I made a mistake, and then made another by trying to do "the right thing" when it was apparently the wrong. And nothing else matters. He's moved out. He says I kicked him out. I didn’t like the way he was treating me. While I don't expect his grief to go away, I wasn't asking for him to finally talk to me about stuff, I wasn't asking him to set aside this hatred for me he has. I wasn't even asking for him to tell me he loved me, which he hasn't done in weeks. I asked that while he was angry with me, while he still wanted me to leave him alone about our marriage issues. . . I wanted some respect. I wanted him to be nice and civil towards me at least. Like you would a roommate. I wanted him to talk to me about other stuff, just life. . . just talk. just chit chat. I wanted him to not do things he knew would deliberately hurt me. Respect me, or one of us moves out because I did not like what our son was being the witness to. So he chose to move out.
debilou Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 The affair you had 7 years ago is the EXCUSE he's using to leave you for the 17 year old. Don't buy the crap about "it brings it all back"! Nonsense, he needs to make you the bad guy cause a young girl "wants" him. It makes me sick! Probably because I've been there. Love must be tough by James Dobson is a good book. Try http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Bottom line, I would be beside myself because of this girl. Take care, Debilou
Gunny376 Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 As debilou stated, he's using your affair from seven years ago, and his "hurt feelings" as the excuse for leaving the marriage. He's in a "fog" of the affair and make no bones about it, it is an affair. If she's 17, I'm assuming she's not legally emancipated. You probally couldn't sue her for "alienation of affection" but you could threaten her legal guardians, who doubtless wouldn't (or at least shouldn't ) be too thrilled about all of this, and when faced with a possible lawsuit ~ and at risk of losing everything they've got and ever hope to have ~ will be even less so. This is going to forever more PO the DH, but Oh! Well. Meanwhile I'd be introducing some reality into his life. He can expect to have to pay out about 25% of his gross before tax income~ and depending upoin where you're at even more. So lets say 35% to 40 %. Since your pregno again, and a SAHM, I shoot for alimony as well. You may or may not get it ~ but it'll give the DH something to think about, while he's sitting in his one bedroom crackerbox apartment eating his bologna sanwiches.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 As debilou stated, he's using your affair from seven years ago, and his "hurt feelings" as the excuse for leaving the marriage. He's in a "fog" of the affair and make no bones about it, it is an affair. These people are correct. He's using your affair-BEFORE YOUR MARRIAGE- to justify his behavior. He's more than friends with this person and you know it. No married man texts another woman saying stuff unless he's getting some or wanting to get some. Pleeeeeeezeeeeeeee. My husband has female friends that he talks to a couple of times a year- they do not text each other. He's having an affair and he'll lie to justify everything he does, get used to it. Read Love must be tough. As soon as you can get to the store and get it. He needs a reality check.
Lor Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 She's new, young and impressionable. What on earth is a 29 yr old man doing panting after a 17 yr old girl? where the hell are her parents? have you contacted them? if not, then you'd better. bet you lunch they don't know what's going on. why do you sound like you think you actually deserve the verbal and physical abuse from this guy? you didn't and don't deserve that--not one iota, honey. you're not perfect and neither is he, but someone has to be the adult in your M and its not gonna be him right now. now, forget trying to save your M. sounds harsh, right? yep, it is. You alone cannot save your M--it will only happen if he decides to try also. And in the days, weeks, months to come, he will feed you full of all sorts of bs. one day he'll be there emotionally, the next he won't. physically he may come home but mentally he won't be there. and the hardest thing will be for you to take it with a smile and a shrug. you say you've done everything to save your M--none of it is going to do any good. and yeah, I'm talking from experience--my H went thru Flaky Jerk Syndrome also. It only takes 1 or 3 to ruin a M--he's the 1 and she's the 3. he wants to be on his own? okay, let him but he has a financial responibility to his family, whether he likes it or not. if he's not willing, this is where you'll need to get a separation agreement for child support. Now is the time for NC from you unless it involves your child or the child you're carrying. imo, if he doesn't come back it doesn't sound like he's that big of a loss. sorry.
Guest Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Hey, thanks for the responses. And I definitly looked into the alienation of affection. Unfortunately I found out Florida doesn't allow it. As far as her parents. . . well, their behaviour has been questionable at work (he is the general manager and she is an emplyee, which plays even further into the impressionable part) that someone from his store called her parents awhile back because they flirted and stuff. Mom came in and he charmed his way out of it. As it stands he is putting money into our bank account and I'm paying bills taking care of the house, whatever. He's just gone. So at least I am getting financial support. After reading so many threads, self help books, etc. I've basicly learned that I need to back off. It's just hard, I want to scream and beg and plead for him to come home. . . . . and even when he first started this whole "thing" I offered to change, bla bla. . . but the more I think about it I am not so sure I have anything I NEED to change. He keeps telling me I do, that I've been controlling all this time, and yet why is it only now that he is bringing that up as an issue. I guess I agree that right now he is making me the bad guy. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and being pregnant probably isn't helping. One minute I think he might be right and I just want to get him back so I say and do whatever I think will bring him back . . . . and then next I am down right MAD. I didn't do anything. If anyone should be asking for apologies it should be me, etc. He's tearing this family apart because he's all emotional over the past? sure. OK, here's where I will sound like I am in denial. The relationship with her, I believe, has been purely emotional, but that's PLENTY in my book. The most he has admitted to doing is hugging her. . . .and maybe I am niave but I believe him. My husband is the type of guy that if he did something he would admit it, beecause even when he was a druggy there was one thing you could rely on, if you asked him a straight forward question you will get a straight forward answer. And he is the type that if he did do something he would rub it in my face, "see how does it feel when it's done to you". Nevermind that it would be illegal, statutory rape. But the emotional affair is enough that I feel justified in being PISSED OFF. He says I'm crazy and selfish. Now this is not to say that if things don't stop I am not afraid that they WILL get physical. . . I am VERY paranoid about that happening. And it doesn't help that she has a countdown timer on her myspace counting down until she turns 18. That is definitely going to be one of my terms if he comes back. NO more her, period. The "whole" we can be just friends thing is crap, I already fell for it. I don't deserve physical or emotional abuse. I put up with the emotional abuse before because I thought it was what I deserved theen. . . . .and then I had our son, and children really do change everything. . . because shortly after he was born I put my foot down, drugs or me and your son. And I will give my husband credit, he made the right choice. The drugs got rid of the swings which got rid of the violence. And that's why he's out of the house now. He started getting very verbally abusive and I was getting really sick of it, so I gave him that choice. I told him he could still be mad at me or whatever over the whole long long time ago affair, he just would have to start "talking" to me about it and not yelling at me for every little thing because there is an underlying problem. I am just so devistated that he picked moving out. I am still so lost, like I said one minute I just want this all to go away and it go back to the way it was pre-her and the next I want HIM begging for apologies, and if he can't then I don't want him. . . . . . he really is a great guy, I know that sounds dumb, but he really is. That's what is so stupid and frustrating about this whole thing. . . I know he's better than this, ugh. And what if me not having contact with him sends him the message that I don't care and then I lose him?
LakesideDream Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 You guys have been in a real mess, for a long time. It's sad. It seems that you two have been on the rocks from before the marriage. You are young still, so all is not lost. Save your marrige if you can, or want to. Try to chose better next time. One thing that stood out was your statement about your affair: You can either choose to accept this like I do your "enter something from the varied list" As if physical and emotional infidelity was equivelant to minor personality querks. That says much to me.
Gunny376 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 The first thing that you've got to do is regain control. Control of your emotions, if your not in control of your emotios ~ your emotions are in control of you. And, if your reacting from an emotioal state then your not going to be in control of yourself, your actions and deeds, and your not going to make rational decisions. Right now your reacting to what he says and does, and what he doesn't say and do ~ and that's not a good thing. The bottom line is that you can't be in control of him, her, and what they do or don't do together. You can only be in control of yourself and your life. You had best be getting on top of your game, PDQ, because this thing can go from bad to wrose, quick, fast in a hurry like ~ I'm talking about to Hell in a handbasket. Your a SAHM, with another one on the way. The DH's moved out, and you've been out of the workforce, and I infer from your post that you've never really been in the workforce. You'd best be coming up with some contingency plans ~ hoping for the best, being preprared for the worse, in this case the DH not coming back and withdrawing any and all support ~ to include financial. I know, I know ~ he's really a great guy and he would never do that. Let me clue you in on something. When you get married, you're actually are marrying three different people: The one you think you're marrying The one you're actuallly are marrying And the one that's going to come about as a result of having been married to you. The third one can turn into "I can't believe that's the same person that I've been married to all these years!" in divorce court. I don't know that you should come down so hard on the 17 year old kid ~ and that's what she is ~ a kid. Its just a big fun game to her. He's the so called "responsible" adult. One of the things that could bite both of them in the whozoo is if it becomes known that he's manager scroggin the hire help. Compaines and upper management don't like that. Depending upon the company it could cost him his job. Hers as well. You don't need to go the physical route ~ short term it could cost your freedom (arrest) and long term it could cost you ~ your financial freedom (lawsuit) and your children (custody).
Mz. Pixie Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 yet why is it only now that he is bringing that up as an issue. Why is he only bringing it up now?? Because he's using it as justification of his actions. As an excuse for him to dip his wick. You are in denial about how far the affair has gone. They are not this gaga over each other in emails and text messages if it hasn't been physical. And, usually, people do not leave their spouses and their homes and their children unless there is a physical affair going on. She's waiting in the wings and when he's not at home what do you think he's doing?? She's with him of course. Borrow a friends car and drive over one night and check it out for yourself. He's not sitting at home being a good little boy. If he were all concerned about you being controlling and the affair you had before you were married then he would be willing to go to marriage counseling or such to fix it- not move out and start sleeping around. And Gunny is right about divorce- it turns people into things you'd never think they'd become. I for one never thought my exhusband wouldn't provide for his kids and be flexible with me as far as they are concerned but he definitely didn't and used the excuse that I would spend the money on myself. Hmmmmm, that's interesting considering we were married 13 years and I never really spent any money on myself. You just cannot count on what he will do if it comes to that point. I think he's probably still paying the bills because you're pregnant and he doesn't want to look like a total lunatic. However, that could cease at any minute and you need to be prepared to support yourself if you have to.
Lor Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 .I don't know that you should come down so hard on the 17 year old kid ~ and that's what she is ~ a kid. Its just a big fun game to her. He's the so called "responsible" adult. Good post as usual Gunny, with the exception of this line of bull....sure, this girl is only 17 but she's playing footsie with a MM who also happens to be her boss, and she is old enough to know better. 17 may be immature, but its not the same as stupid; she knows right from wrong, or she should. my suggestion? Guest, you need to call this girl's parents to let them know that the harmless flirtation at work has now escalated into your H leaving his wife and child(ren). That their daughter seems to be playing a role in it, explain the text messages and his reactions to them. If Mom was concerned enough about it once to go talk to H at work, she'll be more concerned when she hears about it from you. If my daughter started messing with a 29 yr old MM who was her boss at 17 she'd be locked in her room, strapped into a chastity belt so fast she'd never see it coming. More than likely it will cause serious problems between you and H but the girl will thank you for it in the years to come when she grows up and realizes what a horrible mistake she was about to make.
Gunny376 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Good post as usual Gunny, with the exception of this line of bull....sure, this girl is only 17 but she's playing footsie with a MM who also happens to be her boss, and she is old enough to know better. 17 may be immature, but its not the same as stupid; she knows right from wrong, or she should. my suggestion? Guest, you need to call this girl's parents to let them know that the harmless flirtation at work has now escalated into your H leaving his wife and child(ren). That their daughter seems to be playing a role in it, explain the text messages and his reactions to them. If Mom was concerned enough about it once to go talk to H at work, she'll be more concerned when she hears about it from you. If my daughter started messing with a 29 yr old MM who was her boss at 17 she'd be locked in her room, strapped into a chastity belt so fast she'd never see it coming. More than likely it will cause serious problems between you and H but the girl will thank you for it in the years to come when she grows up and realizes what a horrible mistake she was about to make. You're right Lor, and in the light of a new day ~ I re-read my post and thought "I didn't write that! That flies in the face of my belief in holding one's self 100% accountable?" I posted it late after a 12-1/2 hour day, with a freshly broke foot, and at the end of my first day back at work. The pain meds were kicking in downed with a couple of UA (Un-authorized) beers. What is all the more, it will do this little girl a world of good, and give her a good solid lesson in objectivity if she can wittness first had just how much Hell, Hate, discontent, and havoc affairs wreck in so many peoples (innoncent people's life) :bunny: for Lor
Mz. Pixie Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 my suggestion? Guest, you need to call this girl's parents to let them know that the harmless flirtation at work has now escalated into your H leaving his wife and child(ren). That their daughter seems to be playing a role in it, explain the text messages and his reactions to them. If Mom was concerned enough about it once to go talk to H at work, she'll be more concerned when she hears about it from you. If my daughter started messing with a 29 yr old MM who was her boss at 17 she'd be locked in her room, strapped into a chastity belt so fast she'd never see it coming. More than likely it will cause serious problems between you and H but the girl will thank you for it in the years to come when she grows up and realizes what a horrible mistake she was about to make. Great Idea!!!! But be prepared. This is going to infuriate him. They always get pissed when you expose. Insulate yourself. Turn the phone off- don't talk to him because he's just going to draw you into the drama. If you must talk to him then let him know calmly that you did what you needed to do to protect your marriage and your children and that if she can't stand the heat or that if he can't stand it- he needs to get out of the kitchen. Then tell him if he keeps it up and doesn't come home and get into marriage counseling with you you're going to tell his superiors. He's so stupid because she could easily accuse him of sexual harrassment and he could lose his job. Employers do not mess with that stuff.
Gunny376 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Then tell him if he keeps it up and doesn't come home and get into marriage counseling with you you're going to tell his superiors. He's so stupid because she could easily accuse him of sexual harrassment and he could lose his job. Employers do not mess with that stuff. They can't afford to these days! That's Prime Rib ~ Lawsuit material! I can just imagine some litgation attorney licking his chops just reading about it!
Lor Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I posted it late after a 12-1/2 hour day, with a freshly broke foot, and at the end of my first day back at work. The pain meds were kicking in downed with a couple of UA (Un-authorized) beers. How's the foot Gunny? What were you doing? Kicking butt and taking names again?
Gunny376 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 How's the foot Gunny? What were you doing? Kicking butt and taking names again? Thanks for asking Lor,got it in a cast for three weeks, and then I get "tha boot" Actually, I broke it as part of the 2-4-6 medical plan~! It took 2 doctors 4 nurses 6 hours to get my foot out of his azz!
Lor Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 :lmao: :lmao: Nice way to end a Friday! :lmao: :lmao:
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