The secret about chasing and being chased - I figured it all out!

[mental_traveller]

I was going to write, before I was tragically unable to edit, that this whole process is subconscious - all relationships are power plays, aren't they? When you get right down to it, beyond romanticism, any interpersonal interaction involves jockeying for positions and arm wrestling to determine superiority, don't they?

 

I could be wrong. My primary relationships in life were power struggles so I could just have a distorted view of relationships.

 

I have to disagree with you. In my experience, the best and longest-standing relations (of any kind) tend to be trouble-free and devoid of drama, power games, or any other such nonsense. It's the very absence of these qualities that makes them refreshing and revitalising. Instead of conflict & power, it's just a natural mutual understanding with another person who simply happens to be on your wavelength. You recognise it as soon as you really talk to them and everything just comes into place of its own accord.

 

I think if you need to be game-playing to keep up interest, then what that shows is not that "chasing" is the key to all relationships, but rather that the relationship is fundemantally lacking anything beyond the initial thrill of the chase. At its core, the relationship is empty and devoid of meaning. Superficially trickery and games are the only way to keep things going once the initial spark wears off.

 

The solution to me is to move on once you recognise that, not to try to artificially recreate the initial feelings by playing games. Find someone where you don't need to resort to those tactics, because things are continually exciting & interesting and you never get bored!

[mental_traveller]

what does it all mean in the end anyways?....nothing, we all rot in our graves.

 

Ah, but some of us rot with smiles on our faces.

[RecordProducer]

If people who state so bravely and religiously that they would dump the one who plays games, the one who looked at another, the one who farted, the one who didn't fart... really dumped someone for all the things they said they would, this world would be a very lonely place and we'd all be single.

 

I should probably eliminate all men for one reason or another, and even if I would find someone perfect, I wouldn't be perfect for him cuz I probably have a long list of traits, I should be dumped for.

 

In any case, this whole subject is a mental masturbation that was hopefully useful at least a little bit to someone out there. Just because we would dump a murderer or wouldn't kill in the first place, doesn't mean we don't want to know how the criminal's mind works.

 

The more we know the more we can avoid certain unpleasant situations.

[SmoochieFace]

If people who state so bravely and religiously that they would dump the one who plays games, the one who looked at another, the one who farted, the one who didn't fart... really dumped someone for all the things they said they would, this world would be a very lonely place and we'd all be single.

 

And some of us who are like that are single by choice. We won't jump into a relationship with 'just anyone'. Quality takes precedence over quantity.

 

I've heard it said that playing games makes life 'interesting'. Nothing could be farther from the truth in my experience. I have found those who play games to be actually quite boring... to the point where playing games is the only thing they have. Dulldulldull.

 

Genuinely interesting people do not have to play games.

[princessa]

There's a huge difference between dumping somebody for farting and dumping somebody for playing games. Playing games means that some core principles are not being respected in the relationship. Such as honesty and trying to fulfill the other's needs. If somebody's playing games it means that your relationship is not solid at the core. On the othe hand, how many relationships have you had that were based at the core on somebody's ability to withhold a fart?

[SmoochieFace]

There's a huge difference between dumping somebody for farting and dumping somebody for playing games.

 

Exactly. Everybody farts and if anyone says they don't they are full of hot air... whoops, methane... literally.

[ilmw]

My thoughts on this is that once you start playing games in a relationship to me its game over. Things are suppose to be more natural, its not like a war, you don't need a strategy to win or lose.

 

I agree and disagree at the same time...

 

No there should be no game playing in a serious relationship... true... it should be natural as you say... but

 

From what I have learned from ... well extensive reading and self reflection on my present and past failed LTRs... that there is a kind of dance with power... it is not overt... just forms part of the overall dynamic of the relationship... Yes in a perfect world relationships should be 50/50... but some one always seems to have a little power over the other...

 

In my own experience.... I started in a relationship and seemed to have the power.... My girlfriend.. wife etc... knew I could walk at any time... Not something I advertised... just I guess I gave of the vibe that I did not need them.... just wanted to be with them...!

 

Once I gave/ or subconsciously handed the power over to the woman.... for example... became needy... The relationship went down an ever... increasing in speed.... downward spiral... until it ended.

 

The power shifted away from me.... to her... (in a way... the power in my case would be partly... self confidence....)

 

The power I speak of is not controlling the other person... but being in control of myself....

 

Once again that is how my relationships have all been.... and it would appear It is not just me... cause I have read several posts on here....and others male and female... fit the same bill.

[Moai]

All of it is a game. "Not playing games" is a game.

 

I think that the term "playing games" is only used when one person inthe relationship doesn't understand the behavior of the other. "Why doesn't he call me when he says he will?" 'Why does she flirt with my friends?" blah blah blah. I think most people just do what they do, and it happens to drive someone else crazy. And the dance continues for as long as the two parties participate. Once a component of the game is gone, the relationship ends.

 

I think what makes it worse is that these behaviors have been quanitifed--if that is the term I am looking for. For example, there is a popular pick up girls manual that says never call a girl too soon after getting her number. Wait at least a week or ten days. That way, you don't seem too eager and she'll want you more. Be aloof, and don't share your feelings. Date lots of women at a time, so you won't be wrapped up with one woman or she'll leave you. All of that may be true, but if you are not naturally someone who acts like that and you do anyway, you are playing games, right?

 

I was brought up to believe that you should be honest with the person that you are into, and be as forthcoming as possible with your feelings, and try to be honest and caring. Show the other person respect, actions speak louder than words, and a million other things. All of them seem to be completely wrong, it turns out. I was raised by my mother, and I read somewhere that women raise their sons to be the man they would want. In my case, my mom is from the 50s and there aren't any women like her around anymore--at least in my age range. It's like I am stuck with an Andy Hardy mentality in a Mr. Goodbar world.

 

I know! We'll put on a show to save the rec center, and then I'll meet the charming engenue who is the female lead, and after a few misunderstandings we'll realize that we are made for each other and the rec center will be saved and I'll live happily ever after!

 

I read the threads here and it seems that the manipulative, distant, and borderline abusive men get all the action. The same goes for the women who act like harpies and string men along for their own amusement.

 

I have found that the women who have pursued me have all been women I didn't like. I was nice to them to an extent, but that was it. Lo and behold in a week or so she is throwing herself at me. The girls I wanted to be with, though, didn't seem to have time for me. Why? I wasn't a challenge to the latter, but was to the former.

 

So, I should learn to act toward the women I like as if I don't, right? I can't do it. It feels weird, for one thing, and for another having to constantly think about the next appropriate "move" is too much work. Why be in a relationship where you have to constantly monitor your behavior? It's just too much, and I quit.

[SmoochieFace]

So, I should learn to act toward the women I like as if I don't, right? I can't do it. It feels weird, for one thing, and for another having to constantly think about the next appropriate "move" is too much work. Why be in a relationship where you have to constantly monitor your behavior? It's just too much, and I quit.

 

It depends on the sort of woman you want. If you want the women with low self-respect and low self-esteem then by all means act like an ass to them. If you want the good, smart, well-adjusted ladies then act like a mature grownup man. It's your choice.

[Dinnj1]

so how does one gain the 'power' back?

[Moai]

To gain the power back, act like you don't care about her at all, spend less time with her, and don't talk to her that much. While you do all of this be normal and nice when you do talk to her.

 

I have no idea how you actually can go about doing this, but there's your answer.

[JackJack]

The secret about chasing and being chased.

 

I don't think its that big of a secret really. After awhile a dog will get tired of chasing after his own tail over and over again. Most of the time it gets old and makes you dizzy. JMO.

[a4a]

what does it all mean in the end anyways?....nothing, we all rot in our graves.

 

:lmao: Holy shyte ....... spoken for truth...

 

OMG I am indeed in love :love:

 

It is so so so friggin true.......that I am crying while trying to post this..........

 

:lmao: :lmao:

 

oh no i may have peed a little laughing so hard

[basscatcher]

........ act like you don't care about her at all, spend less time with her, and don't talk to her that much. While you do all of this be normal and nice when you do talk to her........

 

Holy Mir da!!

You just described my situation with TCK.. :lmao:

[Jane Doe]

The one who cares the least is always the one with the most power.

[Dinnj1]

The one who cares the least is always the one with the most power.

 

How pathetically sad and at the same time, so very true... is that statement?

[Almost]

To gain the power back, act like you don't care about her at all, spend less time with her, and don't talk to her that much. While you do all of this be normal and nice when you do talk to her.

 

Hey that's my normal M.O. for women I like. It doesn't work for me though, in terms of getting dates and getting girlfriends. I guess somewhere along the line you actually have to admit to yourself and the girl that you really do like her and want to spend time with her.

[SmoochieFace]

I guess somewhere along the line you actually have to admit to yourself and the girl that you really do like her and want to spend time with her.

 

Yes, and by doing so you will learn that 'power games' have no part in a 'real' relationship.

 

Relationships are a team effort, not a 'contest' to see who can 'outdo' the other.

[Almost]

The one who cares the least is always the one with the most power.

 

"He who can destroy a thing, controls a thing". - Paul Atreides (Muad'Dib) in Dune by Frank Herbert.

[Walk]

I like rods, not so keen on the balls though....

 

i've found in life that a lot of what we attribute to "chaser/chasee" behavior is miscommunication and fear... Guy wants girl, guy thinks this time will be different, he starts to feel that excitment of new romance.. scares the beejevees out of him. He starts having flash backs of past relationships that ended poorly, he takes a couple steps back, she doesn't understand and dives in after him.. but now he's flashing back to the "Psycho" ex, and he's in full flight in the opposite direction..... She has no idea what happened, feels rejected and feels she can only stop the feeling of being rejected by getting him to come back....

 

Not really sure it's because he has a metaphoric ball, though.. Unless you're referring to "ball" as in "issues".

 

Anyway, I disagree with the ball theory.. probably cause I'm not up on how the game is played. I always get confused if it's my turn to run, or should I be chasing..

 

I like the analogy of sharing the ball to have a good relationship. I think that's true.

 

I always saw relationships like those stress balls filled with sand. The harder you squeeze it the more it slips through your fingers. But when you hold lightly, it stays firmly in your hand.

[RecordProducer]

You all assume that people play games on purpose - and that's usually not the case. No one decides to intentionally ignore someone and show them that it's not fun to be with them. People do things like that when they get slightly bored. Then the chasing starts and the bored one starts running away, but likes to be loved in return for giving nothing.

 

Walk, you've been upset for a while because your BF doesn't give you what you need. yet you're staying with him for whatever reasons, totally practical or completely irrational, it doesn't matter. But your BF has power over you. I am just using your case as an example, not rubbing it in your nose or anything like that.

 

I have yet to see someone walking away from their partner, just because they suspect that a game has been played. People get tired of unsuccessful relationships and get out of them because the emotional closeness dies, not because they wake up some day and think to themselves: "Oh, she/he is playing agame... I'll dump her/him!"

 

This is why I think some posters are being ridiculous. I am currently in a mode that I could call: what I can't change, I accept peacefully and what upsets me, I'll just let go and not care. One would say it's a game. For me - it's a state of my mind and soul - at this point.

[princessa]

Game, by definition, means on purpose, and implies that impure intentions are involved. And you don't just get bored of somebody you love.

 

Also, love involves giving up power to some degree. In a mutual loving relationship you shouldn't feel the need to hold back so as to "not let the other one have power over you". It's very bitter to interpret a situation where the BF is not meeting the GF's needs as him being bored or enjoying having power over her. It's sad that you can't imagine how two people are able to have good intentions towards eachother.

 

"what I can't change, I accept peacefully and what upsets me, I'll just let go and not care"... Not caring implies a weak / superficial character. And if everybody just accepted what they thought they couldn't change, this world would be a sad sad place

[Art_Critic]

Not caring implies a weak / superficial character. And if everybody just accepted what they thought they couldn't change, this world would be a sad sad place

 

I agree princessa

[SmoochieFace]

"what I can't change, I accept peacefully and what upsets me, I'll just let go and not care"... Not caring implies a weak / superficial character. And if everybody just accepted what they thought they couldn't change, this world would be a sad sad place

 

Indeed. Sad and 'boring' as well. Apathy is generally not considered a 'positive' trait, IMO.

[whichwayisup]

Game, by definition, means on purpose, and implies that impure intentions are involved. And you don't just get bored of somebody you love.

 

Also, love involves giving up power to some degree. In a mutual loving relationship you shouldn't feel the need to hold back so as to "not let the other one have power over you". It's very bitter to interpret a situation where the BF is not meeting the GF's needs as him being bored or enjoying having power over her. It's sad that you can't imagine how two people are able to have good intentions towards eachother.

 

"what I can't change, I accept peacefully and what upsets me, I'll just let go and not care"... Not caring implies a weak / superficial character. And if everybody just accepted what they thought they couldn't change, this world would be a sad sad place

 

Great post!