Treadstone Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Hi Everyone, This is certainly a great forum and I wish I'd found it earlier when I needed it the most. You're all doing a great job by looking after one another here. My situation is not entirely dissimilar from a lot of you and I'm hoping that I can get as much advise here because I need it like I need oxygen. About 2 and a half years ago I started going out with this girl. We had a long-distance relationship for about 3 months because we both lived in different cities. However, we visited each other almost every weekend. Three months later, she decided to move into my city and get a job here. She intended to share a place with a friend of hers who already lived here. However, her friend was dragging her feet a little, at the time, so she managed to persuade me to allow her to move in temporary with me until she found her own place. I was a little apprehensive to the idea because our relationship was still relatively new. Nevertheless, I gave in because she was only going to stay temporary and what's more I had a wonderful place and more space than I used alone. Once she moved in, everything became so perfect. We had a wonderful time together, she became so attached to me to the point of smothering but I didn't mind because I wanted to allow her to express her inner feelings without restrictions. To cut a long story short, she ended up not moving in with her friend. Throughout our relationship, I did my manly duty and treated this girl like a queen. I was always there for her when she needed me. When we met, she told me that she had three wishes that she will kill to have fulfilled but she hadn't being able to do it on her own. 1)to quit smoking 2) go back to finish high school and 3) loose a little bit of weight. I told her that if she will allow me a free hand, I could motivate her to overcome all those constraints within a year. Guess what? we achieved all that in less than 6 months after she moved in with me. Over the past couple of years, our relationship became the envy of her friends. Her whole entire extended family adores me. We were in effect, married in principle if not yet by law. Every single day, she will tell me how much she loved me and how happy she was with me to the extent that she will have to kill herself should I decide to leave her someday. As far as I know, she had absolutely no reason to be insecured but I still did my best to assure her of my commitment to her. Occassionally we will have a little disagreement (what couple doesn't?) but we always settled everything within the same day. Now the bombshell! About a month ago, she told me that she wanted to go to the movies with some colleagues from work. I told her that was a good idea because she never really spent much time with anyone else but me. It was a late show so the movies was supposed to end at midnight. I stayed home, watched some tv and fell asleep. I woke up at about 2:30am to find that she wasn't back so i was worried for her safety. I couldn't stay inddors anymore so I stepped out of the door to catch some air. Then a car pulls up and low and behold I see my girlfriend and this guy from her work kissing. She turns around to see me and froze. I approached the vehicle but the idiot took off. I was shocked to my bones. I thought it was just a bad dream because I never ever suspected that she is capable of that. I needed some explanation. She broke down and claimed that she didn't know what happened and that the guy just kissed her. She apologised and the next day she told me that she'd had a talk with the guy and that he apologised too. I know that she did not sleep with the guy that night because she was having her period then. She actually did show me to proove that she didn't have any sex that night. I said, fine, apologies accepted - next time just be on your guard. Things became a bit tense the subsequent days but quite normal. Her brother and his girfriend came to visit us like they normally do sometimes. We all hanged out, showed them around the city and pretty much had some fun together. A few days afterwards, she calls me from work to tell me that I shouldn't come pick her up because she wants to go the club with someone she knows. And this was a person whom she never hangs out ever so I became a bit suspicious and smelled a rat. I decided to drive to her work anyway to see who she's going to leave with. Then I see her getting into the car of this same guy again. I approached her and asked her to come home with me but she wouldn't. I didn't want to cause any commotion at her work so I left her there and she never came home that night. We fought a lot the days after, I called her all kinds of names because I was angry and felt betrayed to the point of breaking down. I'd never allowed myself in the past to be loyal and trust a person so implicitly. She began sleeping outside our house sometimes. I know she was with him but she she claimed that she wasn't having sex with him even though she was sleeping in his bed. Frankly, I couldn't care less. Just the fact that she was spending time with him was enough for my blood to boil everytime she didn't come home after work. Ultimately, she admitted to having some feelings for this guy and that she wants to explore what it is. She also claimed she needs some space to find herself. I was like, wait a minute! if anybody needs space in this relationship I'm actually the one that will deserve it because I've been taking her smothering for two years and even though I was sick of it, at times, I never expressed it for fear that she might think I'm trying to abandon her. She didn't move out right away because she needed to find a place so we ended up spending 3 weeks together after the whole incident. She stayed out sometimes and when she stayed in she will sleep on the couch in the living room. Sometimes we even slept together in the same bed but she wouldn't let me touch her. There was even a time that she woke up in the middle of the night to tell me how much she love me. I still don't know what that was all about even though I told her that I love her too. Anyway, she finally found a place which is a block away from my home and moved in a week ago. Whether deliberate or not, she left some of her stuff at my place. Mostly, her underwears and bras and a few clothes. She claims that she didn't have enough boxes to pack them in and that she intended to come for it in a week. She wanted to keep the keys to my place but I pretty much took it away from her by force. I've done the crying a few times in the last few weeks (when I'm alone), felt sad and mopped around but I'm begining to feel better everyday, although I miss her sometimes. I try to keep my head clear because I have a full-time job and a university education to worry about too. I've being doing NC since she moved out. I know the building that she lives in but I don't know what suite. Neither do I know her phone number. I choose not to know. Last Saturday morning, at about 9:00am a friend of mine in Sweden called me so I stayed on the phone with him for a while. Whilst on the phone, I heard somebody buzzing my suite. I instinctively knew that it was probably her so I didn't even bother to respond. I kept on talking on the phone. About half an hour after I finished talking to my friend, my phone rang again. I picked it up and it was her. She said she'd being trying to call me but my line was busy so she decided to walk up to my place but I didn't respond when she buzz so she had to go back and now she's lying around feeling cold so she cannot come back to get the rest of her stuff. I told her that I've boxed up all the things she left behind. She sounded quite surprise by it but I couldn't care less. I just hurried her off the line after maybe a minute tops. I've never heard from her again. Today I came back from work to find that her brother has left a message on my phone. Apparently he and his girlfriend are coming to town this weekend and he's wondering if they can stay at my place like they've always been doing? He knows I've broken up with his sister but he want us to remain friends. I called him back to say that they can stay and that everything is fine. I'm begining to think that wasn't a very good idea beacuse if they come then my ex will have a two reasons to come to my place. 1) to see her brother and 2) to get the rest of her stuff. How do I stop any of this from happening? I really would like to remain in NC. How do I get her stuff to her without seeing her? And how do I stop her from coming to my place if she calls to say that she wants to come see her brother? I get a lump in my chest when I think about seeing her again. I can pretend like everything is fine but knowing the way she is she will probably say something to provoke a reaction from me. Any advise is welcome and sorry this is too long. Treadstone.
Craig Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I called him back to say that they can stay and that everything is fine. I'm begining to think that wasn't a very good idea beacuse if they come then my ex will have a two reasons to come to my place. 1) to see her brother and 2) to get the rest of her stuff. How do I stop any of this from happening? I really would like to remain in NC. How do I get her stuff to her without seeing her? And how do I stop her from coming to my place if she calls to say that she wants to come see her brother? You tell her brother that you are doing NC with his sister and while it is fine to stay at your place you don't want any contact with her (get him to tell her not to come over or call your place.) Oh and ask him to deliver her remaining things to her.
Clevelandfan Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 you found out about her now and not after marriage or after she "accidentally" gets pregnant by this guy she was cheating on you with. And for the record,...if she lies to you and cheats on you she doesn't respect you and if she doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you,...remember that in case you start to get those sentimental feelings someday. Women love to encourage those feelings when they want something Good luck to you.
Amour77 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Wow, this is so similar to what happened to me, it is unbelievable! Take a look at that: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t99885/ My piece of advice would not be to see her brother. Just cancel the whole thing. Her brother is too close a person to her and it would be like breaking NC. It is funny of this kind of girls, once they have improved themselves while with you, then decide you are no longer worth their attention and go and cheat on you. "I have changed", they will say... Now the bombshell! About a month ago, she told me that she wanted to go to the movies with some colleagues from work. I told her that was a good idea because she never really spent much time with anyone else but me. It was a late show so the movies was supposed to end at midnight. I stayed home, watched some tv and fell asleep. I woke up at about 2:30am to find that she wasn't back so i was worried for her safety. That how it always start! This was already a big red light flashing at you! I was shocked to my bones. I thought it was just a bad dream because I never ever suspected that she is capable of that. I needed some explanation. She broke down and claimed that she didn't know what happened and that the guy just kissed her. It is always the other guy's fault, I have heard that one before. She did not know what was going on.... Right, then! A few days afterwards, she calls me from work to tell me that I shouldn't come pick her up because she wants to go the club with someone she knows. And this was a person whom she never hangs out ever so I became a bit suspicious and smelled a rat. I decided to drive to her work anyway to see who she's going to leave with. Then I see her getting into the car of this same guy again. I approached her and asked her to come home with me but she wouldn't. I didn't want to cause any commotion at her work so I left her there and she never came home that night. So she actually refused to go home with you that evening and went instead with that guy for the whole night? What a b****! Mine did the same, she had mentioned going to see that guy that her friend had met, but that he seemed to be more interested in her than in her friend... Told her not to go, she did! We fought a lot the days after, I called her all kinds of names because I was angry and felt betrayed to the point of breaking down. It is only natural to feel this way. I did exactly the same, I gave her such a mouthful of verbal abuse, you can't even imagine! She began sleeping outside our house sometimes. I know she was with him but she she claimed that she wasn't having sex with him even though she was sleeping in his bed. Utter BS! Of course she was sleeping with him. What a cheek to lie like this! Does she think you are stupid? She is caught red handed and still denies it! I don't understand why they do it! Ultimately, she admitted to having some feelings for this guy and that she wants to explore what it is. She also claimed she needs some space to find herself. She is not really falling for this guy, I would say. She is just feeling a few emotions and this affair is probably a bit of a rebound. She didn't move out right away because she needed to find a place so we ended up spending 3 weeks together after the whole incident. She stayed out sometimes and when she stayed in she will sleep on the couch in the living room. Sometimes we even slept together in the same bed but she wouldn't let me touch her. There was even a time that she woke up in the middle of the night to tell me how much she love me. I still don't know what that was all about even though I told her that I love her too. Same thing here. She did not tell me that she loved me (quite the contrary), but she said so many nice things that it is as if she still does. Believe me, your GF probably still loves you, she is just very confused at the moment and is looking for herself. How were you getting on before all of this happened? Any signs things were not going well? Anyway, she finally found a place which is a block away from my home and moved in a week ago. Whether deliberate or not, she left some of her stuff at my place. Mostly, her underwears and bras and a few clothes. She claims that she didn't have enough boxes to pack them in and that she intended to come for it in a week. To me, that is a sign that she still wants something to do with you. The excuse of the boxes does not stand! You do not need that much space to take bras and underwear. She wants to be able, even if it is only for 5 minutes, to come and get some of her things. Probably a way to keep a small contact, however small it might be! I've done the crying a few times in the last few weeks (when I'm alone), felt sad and mopped around but I'm begining to feel better everyday, although I miss her sometimes. I try to keep my head clear because I have a full-time job and a university education to worry about too. I've being doing NC since she moved out. I know the building that she lives in but I don't know what suite. Neither do I know her phone number. I choose not to know. It is only natural you feel upset. After all, you have been with her for two and half years and you love her deeply. At the same time, you feel betrayed and it is a weird feeling to have. You love her, but also hate her with all your heart. NC is the right thing to do. When she phoned you about her stuff, it was probably an excuse to see you and the fact that you put everything in a box, ready to be taken away, probably upset her. Then, she does not speak to you for some time... Mine would do exactly the same thing if I ignore her, she gets all upset and angry and then ignores me for some time. To go back to the first advice, do not meet her brother. It will be much better this way! One question: Do you want her back or no? All the best and let us know how you get on.
Author Treadstone Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 Thanks very much Craig, Clevelandfan and Amour77 for responding to my post so promptly. I do really appreciate your input and your advise and I'll let them serve as a guide in any future decisions. Amour77, you've asked a multi-million dollar question which I've been grappling with myself for a while now. Do I want her back? The truth is I really do not have an answer to that. A greater part of me is screaming to be as far away from her as humanly possible and never look back. Nevertheless, it is not easy shaking off two years of psychological and physical attachment. Prior to the whole incident about a month ago, we had a terrific relationship. At least that's what I thought. We were even looking for a new home in a different part of the city and we were both looking for a transfer from our respective companies. She was spearheading the entire idea and although I was thrilled about it she was the most happiest about the prospects of our new home. She wouldn't stop talking, giggling and fantasizing about it all the time. Which is one reason why this whole thing is such a shock to me. I feel like I was hit with a sledge hammer. As far as I'm concern she probably turned extremely confused all of a sudden or that she's the most heartless and callous person who ever walked the face of the earth. I often wondered (and still do) what she is thinking and whether she is even aware of what she is doing. From the last three weeks or so that we lived together before she moved, she grew incredibly thinner and she always looked stressed and angry. I didn't understand why she was angry. I was the one who had been wrong and yet she was angry too. I came to the conclusion that she was trying to stay angry in other to make it easy for her to leave. Before she left, she wanted me to allow her to take some of my things that I don't use eg. the extra tv, dvd, household utensils, dinning table set, my jogging sneakers (that she liked jogging with very much) etc. She wanted to take these things because she couldn't afford to buy everything right away. I would've let her if the situation was slightly different but after all she was still sleeping in this guys house sometimes whilst she was still living with me. I declined to let her take anything and even took away everything that I've ever bought for her but I gave those back to her subsequently. I kept my own things. I was even shocked that she had the nerve to ask me for things. Either she's so imature or she cannot comprehend what she was doing. Anyway, I found a few days ago that she secretly took away those jogging shoes. I don't want to make this too long so I'll end here for now. I'll be expecting some more inputs from you guys because it makes me feel better to hear from people. I've not talked much about it to anyone else. As I'll keep posting with more insights as time goes on. Please keep the replies flowing. I like that because it keeps me sane. Treadstone
Amour77 Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 As far as I'm concern she probably turned extremely confused all of a sudden or that she's the most heartless and callous person who ever walked the face of the earth. I often wondered (and still do) what she is thinking and whether she is even aware of what she is doing. From the last three weeks or so that we lived together before she moved, she grew incredibly thinner and she always looked stressed and angry. I didn't understand why she was angry. I was the one who had been wrong and yet she was angry too. I came to the conclusion that she was trying to stay angry in other to make it easy for her to leave. Mine has been doing the same thing! She blamed me for being stressed, for not sleeping well and being tired (not my fault if instead of sleeping at night, she is f***ing someone else), for being depressed, for losing her voice, etc... I have had it all! It is all my fault! I have had the biggest lot of abuse (will spare you the details), but she then apologised. On one occasion, I did not accept her apologies, she cried saying that I was cruel and that she meant the apology.... All my fault! She is angry because she is totally confused and is not in control of the situation. She therefore needs to put the blame on someone else, and that someone else is you!
Guest Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Time heals faster than you expect. You'll be over this b**** before you even realize. You sound like a great guy and its too bad that good guys always end up with bad girls and vice versa. I'm a good girl but I never meet good guys like you. Someday will be our day - you'll see. Julie
Author Treadstone Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Thanks again for your input Amour77. So what's happening with your ex now? Has she ever broken NC since you broke up? Do you want her back? Do you still miss her? This is a city of 2 million people. I just don't understand why she will choose to live half a block away from me? I expected her to move as far away from me as possible. She most likely walks in front of my condo to and from work everyday. I wonder how that makes her feel. If she calls again, will it be decent for me to ask her to return my favorite jogging shoes whenever she decides to get the rest of her stuff from my place? What does everybody think? I'm thinking of moving away from here but it will take time to go through that whole process. Treadstone
D-Lish Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Moving away from the pain isn't a bad idea at all. As long as you get over the pain and don't just use the move as a way of denying it happened. Sometimes men store pain away- avoid it, don't deal with it. yes, I know I'm generalizing here. But women are more prone to lamenting to anyone who will listen, crying, grieving, letting it all out...then we eventually move on. So, will moving away be a means of avoiding? Or just a step in the right direction for healing? If the latter is your motivation, go for it if you have the means and opportunity. My ex simply broke up with me and disappeared. He won't respond to my e-mails or phone calls...he just left and was gone. I know that he isn't dealing with it, he's just storing away the pain in some compartment in his brain. The problem with that is that you can never really get over it that way. The pain will manifest itself in different ways ie: the inability to trust or love another. Both your GF's did a number on you emotionally- please be cognizant of the fact that not all relationships will turn out the same way- and that there are good people out there who are more worthy of your trust and affection! Good luck, Dee
Divine Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 its been 4 months since my ex dumped me, and dating tons of other girls, and here i am like a fool, still crying myself to sleep almost every night, i did nothing but love and respect this jerk and ended up being treated like i wasnt even human. All my friends tell me how attractive i am, and why am i carrying on when i can get another guy but, its difficult when you heart is planted in one place. I just wish i knew how to even be attracted to someone else. Treadstone, i hope one day she realize what she has lost, just like my stupid ex. my best wishes Divine
Author Treadstone Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Thanks for your response Dee. I'm not moving away from the pain but to prevent her from enjoying her close proximity to me. Knowing my ex, I'm sure she moved next door for a reason and whatever her intentions are I want to prevent her from exercising it (especially if it has to do with me). Divine, I really appreciate your comments and I do wish you likewise. Infact, I've recieved so much support from our mutual friends that my heart is actually begining to believe it. Their messages are all the same -- "its her loss, not mine". This evening I got home from work to find her message on my answering machine. It said "Hi ....... Its ....... I just talked to my mother and she said my brother and his girlfriend might be staying over at your place this weekend. I'm working on saturday but I'm hoping I can stop by in the night to say hi to them and hang and chill together. Please call me back when you get this message. My phone doesn't take messages so if I don't pick up just call me back". What's funny is I don't even have her number. She simply assumed that I do. What's more, I don't plan to call her back even though I can get her number from her mum. She sounded a little stressed on the phone. I wonder what she's thinking by even calling me? Besides, I haven't even told her brother yet that they can stay at my place. He left me a message regarding that and I haven't called him back yet. Even though I miss her once in a while, I'll hate for her to miss me. I'll rather she will be aloof until I'm completely over her. I'm healing so fast sometimes the thought scares me a little. I've been on a few dates and they all went so well. I'm laughing more at work with my colleagues every new day.What do you ladies and gents make of this new development? This is the second time that she's broke NC in the nearly 2 weeks that she moved out. The first was about something stupid so I hurried her off the phone in under a minute. All productive comments are welcome! Treadstone
Amour77 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 She might be trying to re-establish contact, and give herself a second chance. The excuse of coming around to your place and see her brother there is an excuse to see you! She could see her brother anytime, she does not need to go to yours in order to see him. So maybe she is trying to get you back somehow... However, be cautious! Another option is that she just wants to mess you about, and upset you. You seem to have doubts about her motives, so be on your guard! Is her brother definitely coming to yours this weekend? At the end of the day, the big question is: Do you want her back or not? You seem to be moving on and healing well, but at the same time, I can feel that you still think about her a lot. What do you want? It's decision time!
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