I was Unfaithful...How Do I Win Her Back?

[Guest]

So, I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 years and I am madly in love with her. I really couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. I stupidly put a post out on a dating website, seeking the company of another woman. I didn't go thru with anything (physical), and I'm not sure that I actually could, yet I stupidly did it anyway. (Some history to this; i had done this a few years ago, and she found that one too. She forgave me then after I swore I wouldn't do it again.)

 

My girlfriend found the (new) post, and stormed out of my house. She hadn't spoken to me in over a week until tonite when I popped in to her apartment. She said that she wasn't sure she could ever trust me again, and that she didn't think of me the same anymore. I plead to her that I would never really do anything to hurt her, just that I was playing around on the internet, which is mostly true. I'm still not sure why I did it to begin with. Anyways, I don't know what to do. I know I screwed up, and I can understand her being mad at me. Yet, I need to get her back, but I don't know how. I feel like a real jerk, and very ashamed at what I did. Yet, I don't think I can live another day without her. Can someone give me some advice as to how I should approach this? How can I win back her trust?

[insomnie]

Why SHOULD she trust you? You did this once before, swore never to do it again...and BAM. Same thing.... and you still don't know why.

 

I think you need to figure out what leads you to do this before you can get back together with your girlfriend. Though I am not sure how most reasonable people can trust someone after they are lied to twice.

 

Get some therapy and find another girlfriend.

[Pink Amulet]

I agree. I was a sucker for this bullsh*t.

 

You know inside you won't change in this relationship.

 

If she takes you back, you know if you screw up next time she will probably take you back again.

 

Plus the pain and worry you wil inflict on her by pursuing the relationship further will be self indulgent on your behalf.

 

Stop thinking about yourself, and think about HER, the way she is feeling; the way she will feel.

 

Just save her heart further agony and let her go.

[jmargel]

I plead to her that I would never really do anything to hurt her, just that I was playing around on the internet, which is mostly true

 

Right there is your problem. You just don't "play" around on the internet and put up a post to want to meet someone. Second you said that this is "mostly true". It's either ALL true or not.

 

Tell her the truth. Which IMO (from a guy's point of view) you wanted to see if you still had that 'touch' in you. To see if you still have that ability to get the attention of other women. The best thing you could have said to your gf was that you were just curious and did not mean any harm. However by doing this before really shoots your creditability.

 

Everyone is human, we all make mistakes. However you need to recognize that you have to learn from your mistakes.

 

Her thoughts are now are probably if she never caught this ad from you, how far would it have gone? Trust is something earned, not given. She chose to be with you out of all the millions of men out there. Treat that as a gift, not as a luxury.

 

IMO if I were you I would write her a letter letting her know the real reason you did this. Just "playing" on the internet is an immature excuse. Be honest with yourself as well.

[catgirl1927]

Do something once, it's a mistake. Twice, it's a behavoir. You want to have her sit around and wait while you fool around on her. She deserves better than that. You're not "madly in love" with anyone but yourself. Tell her the truth (that you don't love or respect her) to give her closure, break off all contact with her, and have your fun. You don't want to be in a relationship so don't.

[jmargel]

Cat.. what is your problem? I've seen 3 posts on here within' 5 minutes of each other with you either belittling the cheater or telling the one that's been cheated on to move on.

 

If you have your own story post it in your own thread but people have come here to seek help not to get dissed like this.

[catgirl1927]

Cat.. what is your problem? I've seen 3 posts on here within' 5 minutes of each other with you either belittling the cheater or telling the one that's been cheated on to move on.

 

If you have your own story post it in your own thread but people have come here to seek help not to get dissed like this.

 

I will always belittle the cheater. I don't think they really want help with anything but how to get away with cheating.

 

I don't believe that cheaters are looking for "help." I think they are selfish people who get off on humiliating other people.

 

You're saying someone who has been cheated on shouldn't move on? They should stick around and let people do it again?

 

You want my story? I spent YEARS trying to figure out why men cheated on me. Then I figured it out. I LET them. I didn't leave when they did it, which was permission for them to do it again and again, which is EXACTLY what happened.

 

Dissed? I'm not supposed to "diss" someone? But you have dissed me by saying that all my opinions are wrong because I don't agree that cheating is ok.

[Guest]

To the OP, you say " I plead to her that I would never really do anything to hurt her, just that I was playing around on the internet,"

 

First of all you DID hurt her. You need to acknowledge this. To your girlfriend this is a betrayal. You did this to her once, promise never to do it again and broke that promise. So you did do something to hurt her. You need to take responsibility for this. Just passing it off as innocent isn't going to earn you any points in your girlfriend's eyes. You obviously aren't in love with her as much as you think you are or you wouldnt' have had this urge in the first place. While this could be viewed as harmless if it were the first time this had happened, you did this before and promised never to do it again.

 

You need to figure out what is missing in your relationship with your girlfriend or what is missing in your own life that makes you need the attention/admiration of women on the internet. Your girlfriend may never trust you again, there may be no hope at getting her back. But first you need to realize the seriousness of what you did - you hurt her and let her know that you take this seriously.

[Pink Amulet]

I spent YEARS trying to figure out why men cheated on me. Then I figured it out. I LET them. I didn't leave when they did it, which was permission for them to do it again and again, which is EXACTLY what happened.

 

 

Exactly my point.

 

Don't justify yourself Cat- Your words were spoken from the heart (that is always where the best advice comes from).

[newbie in luv]

I dont think you can win her back. You broke her trust twice. You need to own upto what you did and not dismiss it as "nothing"

[outofdarkness]

So, I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 years and I am madly in love with her. I really couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. I stupidly put a post out on a dating website, seeking the company of another woman. I didn't go thru with anything (physical), and I'm not sure that I actually could, yet I stupidly did it anyway. (Some history to this; i had done this a few years ago, and she found that one too. She forgave me then after I swore I wouldn't do it again.)

 

My girlfriend found the (new) post, and stormed out of my house. She hadn't spoken to me in over a week until tonite when I popped in to her apartment. She said that she wasn't sure she could ever trust me again, and that she didn't think of me the same anymore. I plead to her that I would never really do anything to hurt her, just that I was playing around on the internet, which is mostly true. I'm still not sure why I did it to begin with. Anyways, I don't know what to do. I know I screwed up, and I can understand her being mad at me. Yet, I need to get her back, but I don't know how. I feel like a real jerk, and very ashamed at what I did. Yet, I don't think I can live another day without her. Can someone give me some advice as to how I should approach this? How can I win back her trust?

It sounds to me like you have a "problem"..That sort of activity; the computer, dating sites, ect, can be addictive...consider getting some therapy to find out why you feel the need to do this...Trust has to be EARNED back, and it's really hard to feel that you can trust someone again after it continually happens...The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is be able to show her that you are getting some help to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to do this sort of thing.. Good luck.

[Guest]

hey all, thanks for comments (well most of them i think)

 

I really haven't dismissed it as nothing; i was practically in tears trying to say i was sorry last nite. I've been very depressed, ashamed, and really upset that I could have hurt her like this. But I also think while I made a mistake, it was more of me just trying to "see if i still had it", as another had mentioned. At my age (30), it's kind of a time when you certainly worry about if you still look good and if you have any sort of appeal to women in general. I don't want to lose her, and I'd do anything to show her that I really am genuinely in love with her, but I still don't know how to let her know. Therapy? I'm not so sure about that. Does anyone really think that's necessary? I think i need to just change, and I really need to convince her that I'm not the monster she thinks i am at present.

 

Thx again to all

[SueBee3490]

This is a mirror image of what happened in my relationship.

 

My bf cheated on me 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship. He swore (as you did that he was so sorry and he would NEVER do it again) so I forgave him and decided to continue our relationship because me, (being the idiot I am) chose to try and make our relationship work. He said he saw how much that hurt me and swore he wouldn't do it again.

 

Well move ahead another year and I'm thinking we're fine, we become engaged, get married, buy a house only for me to find out that he never really quit seeing other women (in fact he cheated on me while we were engaged 3 weeks before marrying me!).

 

I became so depressed that I was actually suicidal. I was just existing, not really living anymore. I went through the motions of life - sleeping, eating, going to work, but not doing anything fun anymore. I pulled away from my family and friends and I felt like I could sleep anytime I wasn't at work.

 

So, I don't blame your gf one bit for walking out of a 5 yr relationship when you had cheated once, was forgiven by her, and then cheated again. Five years is a long time to throw away for something that didn't mean anything. At least she's not in the mess I'm in - in that I married him not knowing he was cheating and now I'm looking at divorce and selling a house we bought together.

 

I think Cat and Pink speak from the heart when they say what they do. My H has sworn he's sorry, blah, blah, blah. But I don't feel the same about him anymore either. You can't hurt somebody in this way and then just say, "whoops, sorry - now can we go back to how we were?" It doesn't happen that way.

 

If you are truly sorry, you need to get counseling to see why you did what you did. If you don't find that out, you are bound to repeat your mistakes again in the future. If you aren't married and don't have children together though, the best thing would probably be to move on without each other. As I said, my bf did the same thing and I know I can never trust him again no matter what he does to make it up to me.

[samsungxoxo]

LOL, so you got into just online flirting behavior and that's cheating, damn, talk about unconsiderate people!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You didn't cheat, it's just things people put at times, it's normal. Cheating is only when you actually meet someone in person and proceed to anything physical (kissing, handing hand, hugging, sex, you get what I mean).

Online, phone sex, dirty, other than just stating your fantasy is not cheating.

Maybe what you did was lie and so from now on be an open to the next g/f you find, maybe she found your behavior shady and thought you were gonna really cheat on her.

[samsungxoxo]

Do something once, it's a mistake. Twice, it's a behavoir. You want to have her sit around and wait while you fool around on her. She deserves better than that. You're not "madly in love" with anyone but yourself. Tell her the truth (that you don't love or respect her) to give her closure, break off all contact with her, and have your fun. You don't want to be in a relationship so don't.

 

Catgirl if you're just posting your anger/venting on every person posting about cheating on their significant others, then go make another thread yourself calling it the "Why I'm so mad at people who cheat". Yes, you got cheated a lot, but that has nothing to do with those people posting here, it's none of their business what happened to your early relationships, they got none to do with your emotional sufferings.

 

Otherwise, they don't really care about your history. Yawns.........

[catgirl1927]

Catgirl if you're just posting your anger/venting on every person posting about cheating on their significant others, then go make another thread yourself calling it the "Why I'm so mad at people who cheat". Yes, you got cheated a lot, but that has nothing to do with those people posting here, it's none of their business what happened to your early relationships, they got none to do with your emotional sufferings.

 

Otherwise, they don't really care about your history. Yawns.........

 

Actually someone asked me about my history with cheaters, because people come on here and ASK what is our opinion about cheating and how to get away with it. What on earth do people expect when they post that they like to cheat? I guess cheerleading from people like you who think it's fine to cheat. Which is fine, knock yourself out, but don't attack other people because their opinion is different. If my posts are such a yawn, then just don't read them.

[samsungxoxo]

Actually someone asked me about my history with cheaters, because people come on here and ASK what is our opinion about cheating and how to get away with it. What on earth do people expect when they post that they like to cheat? I guess cheerleading from people like you who think it's fine to cheat.

 

Nope, no where did I say I was proud of people cheating. It's not something to be proud of, but it's also not something to be forever condemn nor get to name callings.

 

Most people who post aren't bragging about how they got away with it, they want to work things out and are asking how. They didn't ask "Oh how would you rate me as a person, I'm a ugly, selfish". If they asked that, then I would say "You're selfish and should have learn intergrity", but since that's not their question, then why bother going to the labeling.

 

As for those who cheat and are happy about it, come bragging it in this post, then I would rather not write anything, than wasting my time lecturing them when they won't listen.

 

Otherwise, there would nto even exist an infidelity forum, it would be limit to the "Only the ones who got cheated " forum. This forum is open to both sides of the story.

 

Yes it's sad you got cheated on many times, but you gotta move on already, not all men are like that as well as not all women cheat.

[SueBee3490]

I would consider what this guy did as cheating. They had an "understanding" of "agreement" of the boundaries of their relationship. It sounds like his gf didn't want him online just "messing around". She considers it cheating for him to be in online dating websites - I would too if we were in a committed relationship. Why does he need to do that? He's got a gf. I wouldn't want my bf in online dating sites even if he didn't intend to go through with physically meeting any women. Why put the temptation there in the first place? If you are a recovering alcoholic why put the temptation to go to a bar on Friday & Saturday nights? This guy doesn't even know why he goes on these sites in the first place so why put himself in a position where he may cheat? Then his next thread on here will be he doesn't know why he met this woman in an online dating site and screwed her when he had a gf!

 

As you stated Ailec, she is probably very upset about the fact that he lied. He did this once, and evidently it hurt her or she wouldn't have asked him not to do it again. He did say he swore to her he wouldn't, which he obviously lied and did do it again.

 

As in my relationship, my bf just had to tell me he wanted to date others, that we weren't exclusive and then I would have accepted a few dates from other men. After all this came out, he admitted he didn't want me dating others (because I actually might find another guy) but he figured he could date others. Usually that is the mindset of the cheater. It's fine for them to please their own selfish wants, but you had better not go out on them - and that in itself is selfish also!

[samsungxoxo]

Yea, I guess everyone got their different rules. I'm in a current relationship and once in a while, like a few days ago, when these two online guy (one's 16 and other's older than me), my friends come, I talked dirty to them and we tell each other our fantasies, what we would do and start talking about the positions (I'm a virgin by the way), it's all sex talk. And no in way was a the slightest bit serious with that guy, it's just flirting. It's what normal average teens-late twentish people do and we all get horny don't we. Human instint, it's explain by biology.

 

My b/f's wouldn't be too annoy me talking dirty to few guys as well as I told him from the start he can talk dirty, phone sex, or even cam with other girls, I don't mean that. Though he say as long as it just dirty talk and not phoen sex nor flashing and he stated he would not do those thing, he's like "But why the need if I already have a g/f, I have you".

 

Oh well, people have different boundaries.

[LittleLady]

You are selfish, not trustworthy and made promises you couldn't keep, which is bound to get worse after a future marriage. I would deal with those problems first before starting any long-term relationships.

 

"It's what normal average teens-late twentish people "

 

I'm sorry but there is a huge difference (or at least there should be MENTALLY) between a teenager and a person near thirty. But as a teen, some people are more mature than others. And on the other side: unfortunately, like many people have displayed for us (and as we see on nightline or whatever show that is depicting pedophiles in their 40s and 50s + etc), some people never grow up!!

 

That is not a good thing.

 

I would never want my partner to be having cyber sex with women! If it was for a "joke", I would be upset if he didn't tell me. And if he didn't tell me, there is probably a good reason why! Hiding and keeping secrets is a big no-no.

 

Ailec, the very loose boundaries you have in your relationship seem to point to a non-serious relationship. When you are in love with someone, those are not things you can handle your SO doing or in which what you would do to them.

[samsungxoxo]

Ailec, the very loose boundaries you have in your relationship seem to point to a non-serious relationship. When you are in love with someone, those are not things you can handle your SO doing or in which what you would do to them.

 

Nope, I'm nto in love nor I love him romantically as I never been in love, but I do like him more (he stated the same, only he seems to be liking more than I do).

I guess that must be it, but oh well. I heard some people fall in love in only a few weeks, while to others it takes years, some never do. Been 1 1/2 month and nope I'm still not in love, but there is attraction and chemistry, as well as bounding too.

 

 

[kulyok]

I'd write, or call to your girlfriend, and explain everything honestly. It seems she might be willing to forgive you - depending on what you will say.

 

1) Why you went to a dating site(the reasons) and what for did you go there(what you hoped to find there).

2) That you realize that visiting a dating site did hurt her and you are remorseful for that. Show her your remorse - it is the most important point when dealing with infidelity.

3) Discuss your relationship and absolutely honestly say what you were missing in it - because there was something missing, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to dating sites - it's an axiom.

4) Ask her what else she would want in your relationship. Write as if you haven't broken up(it's an old NLP trick, she'll start to think of you as your boyfriend again. Don't tell her I said that. ). And, most importantly, whatever she answers - do it for her. A relationship can only be great when both people are doing what they both desire.

 

When writing this, use "I-statements", i.e. not "Because you did not seem to want me as often as before, I wanted to know whether I still was desirable" but "I started to have fears. You are wonderful, but I was worried whether I was worth love, and attraction. I needed words of encouragement so badly." - or other, your reasons. Remind her how great she is, and how much you loved her.

 

Good luck. And remember, she may take you back and you together may improve your relationship, but whether to cheat or not is your decision alone, she can't help you in this. Do you trust yourself?