Married but poor sex life

[Guest]

Hi all,

 

First time post here.

I've done everything I can but after a dozen years of marriage I find myself begging my wife for sex...just plain old sex as shes not into anything else like watching porn together, or anything more kinky. Forget anything like anal, swinging, or anything THAT liberal...it'll never happen.

She thinks our marriage is just fabulous and she tells me that every day. I have mentioned to her that I would like more intimacy but she says our relationship is more than just sex. I think she just doesn't like sex.

I hate to say this but I'm real close to finding another married woman that just wants sex. I know, thats terrible of me to say.

 

I just don't know what to do as the wife won't talk about it, won't go with me to any kind of therapy or anything. She just says we're fine and most married couples don't have sex as much as I think they do. We have it about twice a month yet I would like it twice a WEEK!

 

Anyone else in this situation?

 

 

 

Tell her how you are feeling... show her this website and what you wrote. She is responsible for fullfilling you in that way... it would be selfish of her not to. Is something bothering her? Talk to her. Don't cheat, or you'll probably wind up with a divorce.

[Flyin in Clouds]

So threaten to leave or cheat if he or she won't have sex with you, coercion. That's an option I missed.

 

No, it was her choice. Which of thse options do you think I should do honey? Do you care if I have an affair (because it wasn't clear to me she cared what I did... with her or anyone else...)

 

Celibacy: Least selfish, most frustrating (especially over the long haul.)

 

Not an option honey... I'm not willing to continue the marriage if that is what you think our lives have to be for the rest of our lives.

 

Divorce: Most final, and you will loose everything (except experience) you invested in the relationship, as well as time with your kids, the home you're comfortable with, and financial assets.

 

Well I get half. Yeah, sub-optimal for everyone. I hope she saw it that way too. Kids. Yeah, but my being unhappy around them isn't any good either.

 

Cheating: Most selfish and least "honorable" for some, but you may get away with it. It might result in divorce, and if it does the other spouse will have the moral "high ground." Highest risk, but possibly highest rewards too

 

I wouldn't cheat. Idle threat at best. If she didn't want to fix our sex life, would she care if I have someone else to fill that need? If she didn't agree to my OW, then I'd divorce.

 

Coercion: May or may not work, puts the ball in the other spouse's court. It could result in divorce. Some would also consider coercion for intimacy pretty "dishonorable."

 

How is it coercion to lay out the options I had and ask her to choose the one she wanted? It was her choice all the way. Something had to change. She could influence what that change was going to be.

 

 

Part of a husband's "job" is to help his wife's self-image. For anyone having problems, telling her she's beautiful, buying her flowers, etc. might be worth trying if you haven't already.

 

Of course I did that. She was the one with the self image problem. Her legs. She always wanted to hide them... I told her go get them fixed. What ever it cost would be worth it so she felt she could wear a skirt again. She says her legs are ugly. I don't. Same with losing weight. Hell it's health issue and I don't want her to die. Frankly plenty of women with a few extra pounds are plenty sexy. It's their attitude that matters. Do they show any clevage at all or do they always hide under sloppy sweats?

[Flyin in Clouds]

..

 

It's all about the loss of desire that got me. I would have found it infinitely easier to take if she was physically unable to have sex and that's why we didn't than her being perfectly able to and not wanting to.

 

Well that is what bothered me the most. She stopped wanting it and I wondered why? What had I done? Had she found someone else? She always liked sex and I couldn't believe she'd be happy without it and over a 5 year period things when down hill and finally she just stopped. What happened? I wrestled with that for nearly a year, until I finally decided something had to change.

 

So it was a long series of conversations about our life and what she wanted, what I wanted, why things were the way they were. Unlike H2T's W mine was willing to talk it out. She was able to see my side and I hers.

 

Was that coercion? Well maybe it was coercion to start the conversations. But I didn't see any other way to make her talk to me and work to solve our problems with each other. I didn't know what was going on with her, nor she with me. Suffering in silence doesn't help. But this was only possible because I went to her without having cheated on her. Had I cheated I don't think it would have been possible to fix things between us.

 

By cheating H2T has made things a 100 times harder to fix in his relationship, if it's possible at all.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Totally agree. To me, "Have sex with me or else!" would be almost as low as rape, I just couldn't say that (even in more polite words) to anyone.

 

You guys sure have a funny view of the world...

 

How is saying "Honey, we used to enjoy sex with each other, but we haven't gotten it on in nearly a year. I can't go on this way - it hurts to be close to and not have you - and I've only got a few options... so what's the problem and how we going to fix this? What is your choice as to how to fix this problem?" how is that the same as rape?

 

That was a big part of the conversation. I did not want to force her to have sex. I did want to force her to see we had a problem - which initially she didn't see not having sex as a problem at all. I really did think her lack of interest in sex with me was because she was getting it from someone else.

 

I always started with I'd rather fix things between us, but if that's not possible I only see these other options, which do you prefer.

 

She didn't understand how I viewed sex in our relationship. And I didn't understand all she was going through. But we weren't talking. I had to do something to kick start at least talking seriously about our issues.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...And knowing that sex with you means so little to them that they want their friends to have sex with you to keep you busy while they do it with their friends wives really isn't all that hot either. Just a suggestion...

 

Well for some people swinging is hot. And how would I know if my wife would like to try that if I don't ask? I ask her repeatedly to share her fantasies and she doesn't. She doesn't have any? I suppose but women do have fantasies don't they? And I did ask her if she wanted sex with some other man. I told her if she did, and that would make her happy, then she should beause I'd want her to be happy. She said that was just a ploy for me to have other women. I told her not if that makes you unhappy. I'd much rather be the guy that drove her into orbit, but if I wasn't doing it for her and that is why she stopped then I'd want her to find someone that did it for her. I wouldn't want her to be unhappy because I no longer was able to do it for her. Can you understand loving someone like that?

 

She accused me of just wanting an affair. And I said yes, that is exactly what I want. But I want you to be the "other woman", to be my mistress or act like my mistress again. That's what I want. It took over a month to get that message through to her. hmmmm... reminds me. I've got to make that hotel reservation and have her meet me there as if she was my mistress. No,

 

From my POV, making her happy, through sexual intimacy was vital. If I couldn't do that for her anymore I felt like crap. I dind't need her to get myself off. I needed her to accept and want my loving her. I mean I view my role in our relationship to bring her happiness and if I she didn't want me to do that anymore why was I there? Best for both of us if I left.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I mention swinging sex because Guest posted this:

and Flyin in Clouds posted this:

 

I said if she was interested I would be too. I didn't say it was a deal breaker. If she was open to try it, I would be too. If she thought it would make her happy I'd want to do whatever she wanted to try. Within limits. No I wouldn't be involved in homosexual acts or water sports if that's what she wanted.

 

And I know I'll catch crap for this, but one of my strongest fantasies is an MFM. Two of us doing my wife. Why? Well I figure two of us could give her twice as much pleasure and I'd like that. But she's not interested so I accept that. And some fantasies are better left as fantasies.

 

Cheating (according to my definition) directly involves sneaking around and lying. If two people are open about something, it is NOT cheating, because no one is being betrayed.

 

Exactly. If both consent... but if one doesn't then it's vetoed...

 

. Maybe if you opened your marriage you could BOTH get the sex you need from outside sources.

 

That was part of our discussion. She didn't want that and so we don't.

 

But if it was something I felt I absolutely wanted and she didn't, what's the solution? Be unhappy, cheat, divorce?

[Flyin in Clouds]

Is part of the marriage commitment "I'll make love with you?" No, but "I won't make love with anyone else" is. (Not saying that's right or wrong, just saying that that's what our society and legal system say.)

 

Actually "I'll make love with you" is part of the marrige contract. That was the whole point. To sanctify sex. It's to "exclude all others", not exclude one's spouse. And legally, it always was ground for divorce if one partner failed to due their "duty".

[Flyin in Clouds]

OP, let the wife shove something in YOUR ASS first. Then ask for anal.

 

She's got a deal...

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

 

So I think it is a GOOD thing to make the importance of this issue clear.

 

That was the thing. Since my wife felt going without sex as no big deal for her, it shouldn't be any big deal for me either. She didn't understand my POV at all. She didn't get the angle that rejecting my advances was telling me she really didn't want me - so maybe I should leave. And she viewed sex as objectifing her. She looked at sex as being treated like a peice of meat. Not something to bring mutual pleasure to the relationship. She's a little on the prudish side in that regard.

 

 

It certainly isn't easy trying to get to the truth and being honest and open, these are difficult things to talk about, but it seems to me that it is the RIGHT thing to do.

 

No it's not easy, because my wife, being the woman I loved, I was torn. I didn't want to hurt her, so I'd avoid talking about my own frustrations. But that only made things worse for both of us.

 

It wasn't easy nor pain free to discuss all our problems.

[stoopid_guy]

Actually "I'll make love with you" is part of the marrige contract. That was the whole point. To sanctify sex. It's to "exclude all others", not exclude one's spouse. And legally, it always was ground for divorce if one partner failed to due their "duty".

That must depend on the state, because it's not grounds in Virginia. (Yes, I looked it up.)

[Flyin in Clouds]

...BUT "We either get things back to a more normal sex life or my options are I cheat on you or we get a divorce" is coercion.

 

Well that's how I summed it up here, but not the way I started the converstation with her.

 

And what you are missing is the definition of "normal sex life".

 

The only sex were were having was, "OK, I'll do it if you really need it, but not because I want to...." I didn't want that. I wanted her to want sex again, like when we were first married or the first 20 years of our marriage. She wasn't enjoying it. I wasn't enjoy it. Something was wrong. I had to confront her with the issue.

 

Which would she prefer? I don't know, and will not ask.

 

Pride cometh before a fall.

 

But other than showing her I love her, and explaining to her that without initimacy I might "know" she loves me but just can't "feel" that she loves me, there's nothing I can do. She doesn't think it's important. It's almost 2:00 AM here, I get up for work at 5:00 AM, and I'm up worrying about what to do. We haven't been intimate in years, and she doesn't think it matters.

 

Tell her you didn't sign up to live the life of a monk. Sex is important because it is about mutal pleasure in the relationship, not just yours. You want to bring her pleasure as much as please yourself. And it hurts that she doesn't want or need you and you can't give her pleasure in that way. And that something has to change. That's no coercive. That is being honest.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Stoopid_Guy,

 

Years with no intimacy?? What's compelling you to stay in that relationship ..? And what, I wonder, could the wife possibly say if indeed she caught you cheating?

 

 

How can someone that hasn't been imitmate in years be upset if you get some on the side? It's not like you'd be ignoring her needs. She doesn't like bowling. Is she going to be pissed that you go bowling with other people. (pick some other activity if bowling doesn't fit).

[honeybunch2k5]

I can't help but disagree with this in both a literal and figurative sense. If we don't feel that marriage obligates us (the "sweetest debt", as they say ) to work to ensure our mates (reasonable) sexual satisfaction, than the 50% + divorce rate is easily understood. Understand that I'm not talking about those married to abusers, cheaters, etc., but a spouse in an otherwise functioning marriage that "gives up" on sex (or does not make a good faith effort to address sexual problems) is breaking his or her wedding vows and "marriage commitment".

 

LVspecB

 

ITA.

 

I always thought that was the idea of marriage. I think people forget that the same thing you gave your spouse before marriage will most likely be what your spouse will want after marriage.

[Flyin in Clouds]

That must depend on the state, because it's not grounds in Virginia. (Yes, I looked it up.)

 

Sorry, the "was" wasn't very clear. It used to be (way past tense) that a wife refusing her husband sex, i.e. to procreate, was grounds for divorce. English common law.

 

Today in the no-fault divordce world the term of art is "incompatibility."

 

Unless virginia is still in the stone age no one needs any grounds beyond that.

[Flyin in Clouds]

.... I've talked to a divorce lawyer.

 

So if you drop the bomb will that be it? Or will it be a (coercive) negotiating tactic? Once you serve her with papers will you consider reconciling?

 

Hard2Think (I'm begining to understand your handle... )

 

I think it's because a poster here suggested giving his wife an ulimatum. Either have more sex with him or he leaves.

The "ultimatum" was "we fix our sex life so it's normal, again" (i.e. like it used to be) or my options are ... That's a lot different than "have sex with me or else I'll kill this puppy". I fully explained to her I did not want sex any more if she felt is was just doing me a favor. If she wasn't enjoying it or couldn't enjoy sex with me then it was over.

 

"It's like a woman telling her husband he better buy her flowers or she leaves."

But if the flowers are from the grocery store she'll stick a fork in his head, then leave... :rolleyes:

 

"He may buy her flowers after that, but his wife will know he's not doing it to show appreciation."

Yes, he is. He didn't know before that flowers were important to her. That she wanted him to show his appreciation for her that way. Is he doing to it to avoid divorce? Sure he is but why? He doesn't want a divorce. If he wanted her to leave he wouldn't buy flowers (or what ever it was she wanted him to do).

 

If he can't get to a store that sells flowers, it causes him a great deal of pain to buy flowers or he just doesn't like the smell of flowers, then maybe she's asking him to do something he just can't do or isn't reasonable to ask (like anal sex...)

 

If you ask someone to do something they aren't good at you're setting them up for failure.

 

a4a wrote:

 

I am not happy because I no longer feel close to you. I think part of it has quite a bit to do with the fact that we no longer make love. I feel alone, I feel hurt, I feel like you just don't even want me in your life. I cannot take feeling so hurt and unwanted. Sex to me is a way that you do show that you care about me, that you want me. It may not be to you but it is to me. And I need and miss it. I miss you showing me that you love me.

 

You could exchange the word sex for attention, for gifts, for flowers even.

Huh, very close to what I said to my wife.

 

 

I don't want to have sex, I want to make love.

Exactly even if I didn't phrase it that way.

 

Pleasant, but I should ask her why.

How about:

What did I do to deserve that cause I'll go out and do it again.

 

It's OK to let her know you liked it and would like more.

 

You know what. I often grab my wife. I don't ask her permission. And I kiss her, and often that gets her in the mood. I suppose that is being coercive... You know some women get turned on by their man being so excited with them that the guy can't control himself. Some women want to feel "taken". Not raped. But that their man really wants them.

 

"Have to admit, I was too surprised to say anything when it happened."

Try kissing her back, fool. Then step back and look in her eyes.