Pongo30 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I'm new here looking for some advice. I met this woman at work- she is a few years older than me and very independent (so I thought). She lives on her own and seems to have a lot of friends. We talked at work and she is a nice person and she started flirting with me a lot. I wasn't physically attracted to her but I enjoyed the attention as I was badly hurt about 8 months ago when my girlfriend spent the night at another man's house and cheated on me and lied to me about it. I haven't really dated since then, just casual dates and besides I'm working full time and going back to college to get my bachelor's degree (I'm 30). Right now my life is pretty hectic-I go to school about an hour and a half from where I work (because I have a great job right now and can't afford to leave it) so I stay part time wtih family (to go to school) and part time with friends (to go to work). Anyway I met this woman and she was flirting with me inviting me to her house so I liked the attention and went to her house (just as a flirty joking around type thing) and one thing led to another and we started making out and she wanted to have sex and I did too but before it went further I told her I wasn't looking for a girlfriend, I don't have time (and she's not the type I would want for a girlfriend anyway) so basically if we had sex it woudl be just a friends with benefits type thing or one ngiht stand. She agreed to this. She said she wasn't looking for a relationship either so the arrangement would be fine with her. I told her if I were to sleep with anyone else I would tell her. So fast forward about a month later. We've had these "f*ck buddy" sleepovers about five times. At first I was very into it, she was flirty and wild and fun in bed. NOw she is more settled like we are in a relationship and I am losing interest in even being friends with benefits because the sexual spark is already gone for me. I keep telling her that I dont' want to date her, that I dont' have time or want a girlfriend. SHe keeps saying she understands and she is fine wtih the way things are. Well recenlty she is driving me crazy! She calls me or texts me every single day!! This weekend from thursday to Sunday I stayed at a friend's house and this woman called me 6 times and texted me about 28 times!! She kept calling asking me to go out to places she knows I like to go, asking me to come over by talking about sexual things she wanted to do to me, leaving me messages saying 'its so cold out I wish you would come over and cuddle with me, my bed feels so lonely and empty without you" and also trying to get me to come over to help her download a game to her computer (at 11pm at night!) Also the last time I did spend the night with her (over a week ago!) she got mad becaues when I left for work I didn't give her a kiss goodbye. Hello! She is NOT my girlfreind. We have sex and thats it. the rest of the time we are just friends. We do talk and last week I did stay at her house afterward to do my homework (and use her internet) so maybe that gave her the wrong idea??? I've had THE TALK with her about five times- telling her she is not my type (to date) and that I"m not looking for a girlfriend (which is true) because I am too busy. She says she understands but her actions show differently. I have NEVER taken this woman on a date, called her just to say hello, or done anything that I would do in a relationship (except for the sex). She is constantly asking me to go places with her, she wants to tell her friends about "us" even though I asked her not because I don't want anyone at work to know I"m sleeping with her. I know,, I"m an ass. But hey I DID TELL HER UPFRONT AND KEEP REMINDING HER THAT WE ARE JUST friends with benefits. I am thinking about getting rid of the benefits part because she can't seem to handle this. Can anyone tell me what I did wrong? This woman agreed to just FWB and now she is getting mad when I don't call her back in a day? I haven't called her back in four days and when she kept texting me all weekend I didn't reply until sunday night and then i Just said I was busy and would talk to her later. I don't want to hurt her so I am thinking I should break our FWB off because she is acting crazy. I can't see actually dating this girl because even though she is nice and very intelligent and can be fun to talk to, I just don't feel that way about her. Plus I don't want to be in a relationship as school and work are my priority. Where did I go wrong here?
Pyro Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 You didn't do anything wrong.Sometimes when a FWB is arranged, sooner or later one of the two parties will start to develop feelings for the other. You are not entitled to stick around since she already knows that you are not looking for anything serious. Tell her that she needs to keep her feelings out of it or you will head on down the road.
Jizzosh Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Hm..the way I read it, sounds like she wanted you to become her bf all along and has tried to slowly manipulate you into it. Like, slowly develop it into a feelings thing, but you didn't give in. If I were you I'd tell her how you really feel about this and that you needed some time away from her, even though it's kinda hard since you're at work together. Just like when you're not at work don't hang out, you know?
pongo30 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 No, already don't hang out with her unless its to go to her house and have sex. I know I shouldnt' spend the night but dont' feel like driving back to my friends' house where I stay when I work. One of my best friends (who is a female) warned me that this would happen and she told me to quit talking to this woman for about a week. I've managed no contact for four days but she just kept calling me and messaging me. I finally texted her back last night just telling her I'm busy. I mean why doesn't she get the hint? I dont want to come off as the bad guy as I'm friends with people at work who know her. She said she was fine with our arrangement and I"m guessign that she lied because she thought I"d "fall for her" and it would turn into something more. Well truthfully even if I wasn't so busy I wouldnt date her as I just dont' feel the way about her that I did about my ex. THis is no spark there. I don't feel I"ve led her on- I've never taken her out anywhere, bought her anything, or introduced her to my friends or family. she wants me to meet her brother and her mom. I said no. She gets upset if I spend time with other women. (My best friend is a very cute girl who I've known for years and I've invited her to my company xmas party (we always go) and this FWB woman is expecting me to take her to the party since we both work there. I dont 'think I should have to explain my feelings (or lack of) to FWB woman every time I talk to her!! I honestly could care less if she dated or slept with another guy. I would actually be happy for her! She on hte ohter hand is getting very possesive of me. HElp!
fishtaco Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 You were up front about it. You didn't do anything wrong. She even agreed to this arrangement. Many times women think they can change men. Doesn't happen. It's her problem, not yours. If she's getting too close, break it off. It may explode depending on how psycho she is, she may even go to HR and accuse you of sexual harassment. But that's why it's not a good idea to get involved with someone at work. I would suggest you start saving all communications with her. So if it does go that far, you can show that she's the one that's constantly trying to engage you sexually. FWB is very unstable. Generally you only should do that with people you can detach easily.
Pongo30 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Thanks for all the advice. I was starting to freak out because I thought I was straight with her and now she's getting possesive and clingly, Never did FWB before but this isn't how i imagined it. I am going to slowly try to cut all contact with her. I say slowly so she doesn't go psycho on me. I never thought about her going to our boss with sexual harrasment charges. AHH! Well you live and learn I guess. I thought there were women out there who just wanted to have fun and not have the emotions involved but I guess the woman I chose wasn't one of them. I thougth it was better to be up front with her (that I wasn't interested in a relationship) instead of lying to her and leading her on just to get laid. I"ve seen that done and it isn't pretty but I guess being up front and telling her ahead of time didn't do any good anyhow.
newbie in luv Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I think you just picked the wrong girl. She said she could handle it. obviously she was lying or thought she actually could do it just because she wanted to be with you. She probably has the mistaken notion that once you spend more time with her and see how great she is that you will want to be in a relationship with her. End it now.
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