Would like to share my thoughts .

[sapphire0903]

Hi guys!

First I would like to thank those who took the time to respond to my posts.

I would like to "break down" my story.

I began dating a separated man, 2 years ago, and for the past 6 months, he had been dating his wife, spending more and more time with her and less with me.

Fast forward to today. At the beginning of September, He and I had a long emotional conversation ending with, we will always remain friends.

 

It was 9 days before he contacted me via the phone, we talked longer on the phone than we ever had before, ending with "I miss you, and I love you"

 

I saw him for the first time last week, he is moving out of his apt. and wanted me to have a few things, and brought them over.

When he saw me he greeted me with a kiss and a hug. He left with the same.........a kiss and a hug.

I met him for dinner last Wed. (same greeting) we enjoyed our dinner, and our conversation. The evening ended with him REALLY kissing me and holding me. We stopped of course, but I did not want to.

He calls on Friday morning, let's me know he will be out of town, hopes I have a good weekend, tells me to "behave yourself" and the conversation ends.

This morning he calls, wants to bring over a table and chairs for my girlfriend that is moving out ( I am storing it for her) and then grab a bite to eat.

I don't know if the evening will go like it did last Wednesday, but I know if it does, I have to stop it.

My heart just simply cant take it.

I want to be friends with him, and for him to be a part of my life. But I also know myself well enough to know that if he does not completely let go of me, I wont let go of him. I thought this was what was happening the beginning of Sept.

I know that I don't want to be alone, nor do I want to settle. But I find myself "comparing" as how other men stand up next to him.

I now know how it is to be treated so well. He did that for me, he has never been unkind, we have never even argued. I will not be unkind to him.

I want to be truthful to him, and tell him that I can be his friend, but not like this, I love and miss him too much.

I know he loves me not just by his words, but by his deeds.

However he loves his wife too, it is with her that there is children, family, history.

I have a lot of respect for him, but I have to find that same respect for myself.

[whichwayisup]

Take yourself out of this equation. what he is doing to you and to his wife is really crappy. I'm betting his wife hasn't a clue that he's still sort of seeing you as well...

 

I'm sure he does love you, but the fact is, if he really is trying to work it out with his wife, you shouldn't be in the picture at all. Even as friends. Atleast for now...You are going to be even more hurt as they move closer, and he'll distance himself from you more and more, leaving you wondering where you fit into his life.

 

Have TONS more respect for yourself, end it and just tell him you cannot be second prize, that you are going to get on with your life without him. Wish him well, tell him not to call you ever again, it's over. AND make sure HE respects YOUR decision.

 

Don't even think of other men right now, you're in no shape for that emotionally. Time will heal your heart...So, take that time, focus on you, your friends, family and let him go.

[sapphire0903]

wwiu,

 

I know this will most likely be the majority's response...........It would be mine to a friend with the same story.

Problem is, I know I will not walk away abruptly. I have always ended relationships (friendships too) in a "fade to black" kind of way. I won't "kill it" I will "allow it to die" I know myself too well.\

 

When we had our conversation the beginning of this month, he explained to me that his wife knows that I am a part of his life, that he loves me, that I mean a great deal to him, and that I will remain a part of his life. If course I told him that 1.she will not allow this, and also that 2. if he wants to work on his marriage that I do not fit in this picture.

His responses?

1. "That is something that she will have to get used to."

2. "If I were not separated at the time when we met, that would have been true, but we have been and you are."

Her rule...........no sex.

 

Okay, so this all sounds warped when I wrote it out...........okay it is.

So anyway, that is where I come to conclusion...........just friends.

I can do this,.......I have in the past and be fine.

Tha hard part will be turning him away,(when he kisses me) when I don't want to.

[whichwayisup]

Do it your way, whatever feels right for you, but by handling it this way, you'll be hurting yourself more...

 

Tha hard part will be turning him away,(when he kisses me) when I don't want to.

 

If you two are going to be "just" friends, then you need to TELL him not to kiss you anymore. That's really not appropriate, seeing as he's with his wife now.

 

1.she will not allow this, and also that 2. if he wants to work on his marriage that I do not fit in this picture.

His responses?

1. "That is something that she will have to get used to."

 

That may be the breaking stone on whether or not their relationship grows, and continues. If I were his wife, that would be the deal breaker. So, right now he cannot answer that being 100% sure. Somewhere down the road it WILL be a big issue. As they grow more serious, you may have to bow out of his life, especially if you want to move on with yours.

[sapphire0903]

I told him last night, that if we are going to be friends, then the kissing has to stop.

He understood, was not at all "put off".

I am prepared to "bow out" of his life if he wants me to. He understands he may be asked to do the same thing, if I get involved with someone and he is a issue in my relationships.

This subject came up last night when I asked him how "us" remaining friends would affect my future relationships.

So, we shall see how this chapter of my life plays out.

[PoshPrincess]

So anyway, that is where I come to conclusion...........just friends.

I can do this,.......I have in the past and be fine.

Tha hard part will be turning him away,(when he kisses me) when I don't want to.

 

Sapphire, I am doing the same with my MM. It is the only way I can cope, by being 'friends', although he sticks to that 100 per cent by not trying it on. Saying that, ours is more of a text/phone R; we haven't seen each other in quite a while. I think this is how he justifies to himself that he's not cheating although, as we know, an EA is still technically cheating! We still talk about feelings and I know he still loves me as I do him. He is not in love with his W though (or so he says). Like you, if he wanted me out of his life, I would do that for him, but he doesn't and at the moment this is the only way I feel I can handle things.

[sapphire0903]

Posh,

He and I talked a lot more than what I had anticipated. I told him, that I do love him, and want him to be happy, I asked "you are happy with your decision right?" He responded not immediately, but tells me that "it is a hard question to answer." He said some things have changed, but others have not.

Anyway, I told him that a big part of me wants to be selfish, and that I wish things would not work out with him and his wife.

He laughed, and I did too, but he knew I was torn with my feelings.

 

He did not try to kiss me anymore, and I told him hugs were allowed.

The night ended well, he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him as well, we hugged then he left.

I dont have a miserable feeling today, in fact I kind of feel a bit numb.

[PoshPrincess]

Posh,

He and I talked a lot more than what I had anticipated. I told him, that I do love him, and want him to be happy, I asked "you are happy with your decision right?" He responded not immediately, but tells me that "it is a hard question to answer." He said some things have changed, but others have not.

Anyway, I told him that a big part of me wants to be selfish, and that I wish things would not work out with him and his wife.

He laughed, and I did too, but he knew I was torn with my feelings.

 

He did not try to kiss me anymore, and I told him hugs were allowed.

The night ended well, he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him as well, we hugged then he left.

I dont have a miserable feeling today, in fact I kind of feel a bit numb.

 

Jeez, it's so difficult, isn't it? Sometimes I wish my MM would tell me that he no longer loves me, made a mistake and wants to try again with his W, then I would have no choice but to move on. (Makes me feel sick to the stomach just thinking that!) I am quite cool with how things are between us at the moment. I think (as I am sure others do) that you and I may be selling ourselves short by settling with 'something is better than nothing'. I am sure we deserve better but like you I have never been treated so well by any man in my life, which I guess to others sounds totally ridiculous as MMs aren't in the position to give us the one thing we DO deserve - an exclusive R!

 

I don't know about you but I have never felt like this about anyone in my entire life and I have never had anyone feel this way about me either. I wasn't sure that 'the one' would ever happen to me. I just thought some people were easier pleased than others. Friends keep telling me I will find someone else who will make me feel this special but I waited 34 years for it and I'm not so sure. I would never settle for second best again. I did that with my last R, my partner of 8 years and father of my son, and I know I can't 'make do' again. It's just unfortunate, to say the least, that my 'one' is somebody else's!

[sapphire0903]

[QI think (as I am sure others do) that you and I may be selling ourselves short by settling with 'something is better than nothing'. I am sure we deserve better but like you I have never been treated so well by any man in my life, which I guess to others sounds totally ridiculous as MMs aren't in the position to give us the one thing we DO deserve - an exclusive R!

 

I really dont feel like I am selling myself short.

You see, I feel like yes, the relationship I wanted from this fell through, however, we have always been close and very good friends, and I want that person to stay a part of my life. I dont regret meeting him, there is no animosity between us, so why would I not want to remain friends with him.

So I lost a lover, but I am keeping a friend. I have to look at this as "switching gears"

Something may very well be better than nothing. I cant imagine him never speaking to me or never seeing me again.

It will be difficult, I am not trying to minimize my emotions for him. He is willing to give me the space to adjust.........and I will.

[PoshPrincess]

I really dont feel like I am selling myself short.

You see, I feel like yes, the relationship I wanted from this fell through, however, we have always been close and very good friends, and I want that person to stay a part of my life. I dont regret meeting him, there is no animosity between us, so why would I not want to remain friends with him.

So I lost a lover, but I am keeping a friend. I have to look at this as "switching gears"

Something may very well be better than nothing. I cant imagine him never speaking to me or never seeing me again.

It will be difficult, I am not trying to minimize my emotions for him. He is willing to give me the space to adjust.........and I will.

 

You sound like you have a much healthier way of looking at/dealing with your sitch than I do with mine! Good on ya! I am finding it very difficult to be 'just good friends' with someone I want so much more from but only time will tell......

[sapphire0903]

Posh,

I too want so much more, however he made a decision that I have no control over.

So I am trying to work out what we both want. .........We want to be a part of each others lives...............with much more boundries.

So now he knows that if he continued kissing me and holding me as he was, I interpreted that as "he has not let go" and as long as I believed that, I would not let go.

Part of me feels like he is not sure about his marriage, simply from his response, but I wont use that as hope, and I wont not see anyone because of it. But I do feel like I probably should not date anyone right now, because I am still hung up on him ........maybe a couple of months.

[PoshPrincess]

Part of me feels like he is not sure about his marriage, simply from his response, but I wont use that as hope,

 

If he WAS sure about his M he wouldn't still be kissing you! Somethig is obviously not right but I suppose that depends on whether or not he thinks issues within the M can be resolved.

 

and I wont not see anyone because of it. But I do feel like I probably should not date anyone right now, because I am still hung up on him ........maybe a couple of months.

 

Probably a good idea. I tried seeing someone else in a FWB kind of way and it was a bad idea. Now I am out of that I feel I am coping a bit better with everything. We all need time to heal from a break up and rebound Rs very rarely work.