sparkle & fade Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Oh please, can someone help me?? I am feeling so desperate and in need of logical advice. This situation happened to me and I need your input desperately... Yesterday, I got tired of sitting back and watching my BF pay attention to the emotionally wrecked town slut who he claims is his family because their families grew up together. I confronted him when we got home. He immediately blew up on me and told me that tomorrow he was going to tell her everything I just told him now (in the privacy of our house) and he was also going to tell her that he and I fought because of her. Why would he do this sort of thing?
norajane Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Because he's an ass? He's an ass to tell her about your private conversation and he's an ass to hurt her further by telling her you said she was the town slut.
ash519 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 He is an ass. If he does this, i would seriously second guess the relationship. Why is he choosing her over you, i mean feelings wise? How old are both of you? I would be pissed!!!
bluetuesday Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 because he's a child. however, you should have NOT have bad mouthed a friend of his. perhaps she has good reason for being an emotional wreck. perhaps she needs him right now. her sexual habits are none of your business - although they clearly annoy you because you have used them to disrespect her. why is this? he is entitled to care about people without it irritating you. but he does also have a responsibility to your relationship and if he squeals on you he is trying to hurt you or get you back for hurtful things you have said about HER. and in that situation you have to question how emotionally committed he is to you, and indeed to being an adult.
Author sparkle & fade Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 I never said that I badmouthed her to him. I told him that I was tired of him flirting with her, and it seemed like every time I turned my back, they were up each others ass, and I asked him why that was. Of course he denied it. perhaps she needs him right now She doesnt need anyone right now. And if she did, she has plenty of willing men to lend an ear and shoulder to her, along with other things. She doesnt need my man. This town slut thing is common knowledge. I think she even might be somewhat proud of it. And they arent good friends in a way that you think. They dont "have each others backs" or any of that crap. Their families just grew up together. She knows what she is doing, and so does he. She likes to toy with men. I have seen her in action, and now it looks as if she is trying the same thing on him. By emotional wreck, I meant mental problems. Real ones. She is also in and out of drugs and drinking. She gets a kick out of pulling others down with her. She doesnt appear to be compassionate or care about anything but herself. I just asked my boyfriend if he was really going to do that today, like he said, and he told me that if I acted a certain way one more time, he was going to tell her what we talked about and that we fought because of her, which I am sure she will absolutely love. She is a greedy attention whore. I told him that if he did tell her today, I would finish things with him as it is no ones business but ours what happens in our life. He told me that he wont talk to her about it UNLESS i act a certain way. And if I do, he will tell her. I am in my mid twenties and he is in his early thirties.
Buttaflyy Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 This town slut thing is common knowledge. I think she even might be somewhat proud of it. And they arent good friends in a way that you think. They dont "have each others backs" or any of that crap. Their families just grew up together. She knows what she is doing, and so does he. Do you really know what they're up to? Your man should defend you and ensure your security. Are you worried about him telling her (she doesn't sound too stable) or about this relationship?
Author sparkle & fade Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 Do you really know what they're up to? No I dont, but they do. Are you worried about him telling her (she doesn't sound too stable) or about this relationship? Both. Actually, neither things are too stable right now. You guys know the type of girl...Loud, problematic, simpleminded, drug problem, attention seeking, crass, rude, except when someone gives them a dose of their own medicine, then its kiss ass to your face and talk **** behind your back. I am sure every town has one.
Buttaflyy Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 No I dont, but they do. Both. Actually, neither things are too stable right now. You guys know the type of girl...Loud, problematic, simpleminded, drug problem, attention seeking, crass, rude, except when someone gives them a dose of their own medicine, then its kiss ass to your face and talk **** behind your back. I am sure every town has one. Yeah I know the type. But really, she doesn't matter. It's your BF that's the problem here. He's not handling himself properly. He shouldn't threaten to tell her anything about what goes on between the two of you. I'd get rid of him quick. He needs to be a man and stand up for himself. There might be more between them than he thinks you know and he could be trying to throw the argument off of himself and instead he's trying to start one between you and this girl? He sounds like a real charmer!
thelipless Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 i dont have any advice to give but i will say this. everclear rock! sparkle and fade, so much for the afterglow, and world of niose would have to be there best albums.
KittenMoon Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Guys love protecting emotionally needy girls. It's the complimentary behavior to those girls who are always trying to reach those unreachable men. My last and only real relationship got ****ed up by one of these kinda girls. I tried everything to regain his attention- being extra nice (to him and her), telling him as gently as possible that it hurt me to see him always at her beck and call, pulling away to see if he'd follow, trying to make him realize that by always being a "knight in shining armor" to her (when her bf was being an awful jerk to her) that he was just enabling her and not forcing her to solve her own problems. The reality of these girls (and guys) is that they are drama addicts. They crave the drama and the attention it causes. Many guys feed this because they think they are doing something good by always being there. In reality, there isn't much you can do. You can try to make him understand but it's truly truly hard. My situation ended my relationship, and while I think my ex sees through this girl a little more now, they are still very close friends (and she gets both him AND her jerk bf). I got nothing. I also ask: How could he do this to me? My only suggestion, and this is a crap shoot, is to try to feed his need to be a "knight in shining armor" somehow. But it's tricky to do this without becoming a "needy gf". The other person never of course has this burden, because they are a "needy friend" which carries less stigma and obligation. Good luck.
blind_otter Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 maybe if you worked on cultivating compassion this wouldn't bother you so much. Alternatively you could just find another boyfriend who isn't emotionally attached to someone else. I think it's sad when you are so upset that you feel it appropriate to objectify another person and call them "the town slut". I just don't think it reflects well on you. Also, if you have needs, communicate them without aggression, and without making your partner feel attacked or cornered. You may have more success getting your needs met. And on top of that, why not befriend this freakish disgusting morally repulsive whore that your boyfriend grew up with? Is she evil? Does she smell? Poor hygiene, maybe? I'm sure you could find out even more information to make you go into paranoid paroxysms of hatred.
Author sparkle & fade Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 I see. So no one thinks it peculiar that he is blackmailing me with this? That doesnt sound the least bit f-up? Trust me, I have more than enough compassion but she is one who is undeserving of it. And I have tried to befriend her, way before I knew who she was and what she was about. Thing is, she backstabbed me and talked $hit about me behind my back, and I mean the moment I turned away she started in on me, it was like being in grade school all over again and having to deal with the mean girl clique. Also, she got everyone else involved in doing the same thing. She has always had it out for me in a passive agressive way. But of course, she cant tell me to my face. How long can I be a doormat?? How long should I be nice to her for?? How many family gatherings can she sit there and ridicule me (and only me) and make me the source of her amusement? She embarrasses me, and deliberately at that. If I say something, she will start picking it apart, whispering in the person closest to her and then it just starts, just like that and for the rest of the nite, anything I do or say is a source of amusement for her and her "gathering" for the nite. I know you dont know her, and it is easier for you to think I am just being the unsupportive bitchy mean spirited gf, but you have it all wrong. This isnt that type of situation. Come on, everyone has or has known a girl just like this. Think back. Try to remember. You mean to tell me that you have never known a mean spirited hateful girl like the one I have just described? No one has ever harrassed you specifically? Never? Besides, I think I know what this is about. She has it in for my BF and is sour that I am with him. She has made comments here and there to "elude" that she would be a better choice, (and it is always pointing out some character defect of mine that my BF doesnt like about me, that of course SHE never does) and then looks pointedly at my BF like "do you see what I mean"
KittenMoon Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 maybe if you worked on cultivating compassion this wouldn't bother you so much. I just want to bring up that someone can show compassion, support, etc etc, but after months or years of watching the same self-destructive behavior and watching someone monopolize your SO's time and energy with repeated dramas, compassion can get tossed out the window pretty quickly and anger replace it. No one should have to continually feel they have to fight for their SO's attention- although at that point it does behoove the person to stop and wonder WHY they have to fight (not exactly the hallmark of a solid relationship).
blind_otter Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I just want to bring up that someone can show compassion, support, etc etc, but after months or years of watching the same self-destructive behavior and watching someone monopolize your SO's time and energy with repeated dramas, compassion can get tossed out the window pretty quickly and anger replace it. Welp, then it was never really compassion to begin with. According to buddhist psychology, anyways. No one should have to continually feel they have to fight for their SO's attention- although at that point it does behoove the person to stop and wonder WHY they have to fight (not exactly the hallmark of a solid relationship). No, they shouldn't have to fight for attention, but ostensibly, if you don't get what you want and need out of a relationship, you get out of the relationship. And realistically, it does no good to push problems off on this other woman, this outside force. It just gives them something to argue about. Because the real problem has yet to be addressed, and this is all smoke and mirrors. But most relationships begin and end without ever clearing away all the smoke and mirrors. That's how humans are....terrified to face themselves.
Author sparkle & fade Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Oh and by the way, incase you were wondering...when he said that he wouldnt tell her that I was fighting with him about her, unless I "acted a certain way" That "certain way" was crying. or if I am upset about anything. Or coming home late. Or talking on the phone for too long. Or not doing what he asks me to do. And his threat is open ended. If I forget and come home late one day, he tells her. I find it odd no one thinks thats a little f-ing sick. I think he was just using an excuse, any excuse to have leverage on me. FYI: As I explained before, it is not that type of relationship, they are not buddy buddies....they dont "hang out" only at family functions (at least that I know of) He is not emotionally attached, (again at least not that I know of) thelipless, wow, that is exactly why I picked this screen name...I love everclear as well.
blind_otter Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I know you dont know her, and it is easier for you to think I am just being the unsupportive bitchy mean spirited gf, but you have it all wrong. This isnt that type of situation. Come on, everyone has or has known a girl just like this. Think back. Try to remember. You mean to tell me that you have never known a mean spirited hateful girl like the one I have just described? No one has ever harrassed you specifically? Never? Oh, give me a break. Know her? I had her living in my house. stealing money from me. Doing cocaine nonstop, and giving me free drugs too. Now I hear on the grapevine that this poor girl that I knew, is 8 months pregnant, doesn't know who the father is, and is in jail. Her father had a heart attack, and she's all alone in the world with a mentally unstable mother and a baby on the way. I feel bad for her. I hated her momentarily, but people like this always end up dragging themselves and any willing participant down into the gutter. The best thing to do is get the hell away from it.
KittenMoon Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Oh and by the way, incase you were wondering...when he said that he wouldnt tell her that I was fighting with him about her, unless I "acted a certain way" That "certain way" was crying. or if I am upset about anything. Or coming home late. Or talking on the phone for too long. Or not doing what he asks me to do. And his threat is open ended. If I forget and come home late one day, he tells her. I find it odd no one thinks thats a little f-ing sick. I think he was just using an excuse, any excuse to have leverage on me. This sounds EXTREMELY manipulative. Why would he WANT to do something that would hurt you>
Buttaflyy Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Oh and by the way, incase you were wondering...when he said that he wouldnt tell her that I was fighting with him about her, unless I "acted a certain way" That "certain way" was crying. or if I am upset about anything. Or coming home late. Or talking on the phone for too long. Or not doing what he asks me to do. And his threat is open ended. If I forget and come home late one day, he tells her. I find it odd no one thinks thats a little f-ing sick. I think he was just using an excuse, any excuse to have leverage on me. FYI: As I explained before, it is not that type of relationship, they are not buddy buddies....they dont "hang out" only at family functions (at least that I know of) He is not emotionally attached, (again at least not that I know of) thelipless, wow, that is exactly why I picked this screen name...I love everclear as well. Oh no! I told you that something isn't right with this dude! If he wants to befriend this girl than she can be his problem. You shouldn't! In fact, I wouldn't let him be my problem if he was treating me this way.
Author sparkle & fade Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Blind_Otter: I was speaking specifically about her actions towards me. You mentioned that you hated her momentarily....This is my moment of hatred. But I wouldnt deliberately seek out to hurt her or destroy her or make her life hell like she is doing to me. Of course I dont wish her harm. I wouldnt want something bad to happen to her as you described with your friend and of course if something did, I would feel terrible for her. Other peoples pain is not my source of amusement. It is my faulty thinking that everyone should be like I am in that respect. But the fact remains that she just isnt, no matter how hard I try to see something redeeming in her, she turns around and plays hurtful tricks on me. but people like this always end up dragging themselves and any willing participant down into the gutter. The best thing to do is get the hell away from it. That is what I am trying to do, is stay away from her, but with my BF threatening to tell her that we fight over her that is kind of impossible. Especially at family functions, should he indeed tell her, can you imagine how happy that would make her, and how much ammunition that would give her? I mean, it is already horrible as it is, but when she knows about that, it will be 10x worse. Besides of course we dont want the woman who doesnt like us to know that we fight because of her, do we? I mean, come on, we all have our pride. This sounds EXTREMELY manipulative. Why would he WANT to do something that would hurt you> I dont know, I am trying to get to the bottom of this right now, and I am asking for your help in trying to figure it out.
Author sparkle & fade Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 This sounds EXTREMELY manipulative. Why would he WANT to do something that would hurt you> Again, that was my original question, the topic of my thread....because I cant figure out why he tells me he loves me so deep and he needs me, but turns around and says crap like this? Because it seems to happen fairly frequently. Why would a man involved with a woman he claims to love set out to deliberately hurt her? anyone care to pick that one apart for me?
KittenMoon Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Again, that was my original question, the topic of my thread....because I cant figure out why he tells me he loves me so deep and he needs me, but turns around and says crap like this? Because it seems to happen fairly frequently. Why would a man involved with a woman he claims to love set out to deliberately hurt her? anyone care to pick that one apart for me? You should be asking HIM this.
Buttaflyy Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Ask him this.. I cant figure out why he tells me he loves me so deep and he needs me, but turns around and says crap like this? Because it seems to happen fairly frequently. Why would a man involved with a woman he claims to love set out to deliberately hurt her? anyone care to pick that one apart for me?
Buttaflyy Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 You should be asking HIM this. Wow KM. Like minds...
Author sparkle & fade Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 I did....his reply was vague in that he claims he isnt, or that if I stopped being so angry, jealous, sad...etc....then he wouldnt do xyz...
KittenMoon Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I did....his reply was vague in that he claims he isnt, or that if I stopped being so angry, jealous, sad...etc....then he wouldnt do xyz... You need to talk this over. For real. No vague answers accepted.
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