Baileykeg Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Ok, for those of you that have been kind enough to follow my story here is the latest. A tiny bit of background for those who need to catch up. My MM has been separated the entire time we have been together. When we first began seeing each other he said his marriage was over. We have been together for 8 months. He's been separated and living aparf from W for 16 months. He claims he's not ready to file for divorce because it's hard to let go of the hopes and dreams he had when he first got married. He says he loves his wife but knows that the initial hopes and dreams are just not a reality anymore and that they are just not meant to be together. He says he's having trouble letting go of the memories and that our relationship is getting in the way of him processing the finality of his marriage ending. I can see how our relationship is a distraction. He claims to love me deeply and want a future with me but he just needs to "get there". We've tried NC several times only to end up talking a few days later and starting the cycle all over again. After our last NC he came back and said he was ready to move on, to get divorced and for us to see where our relationship can take us. Then a few days later he waivered and he didn't file the papers. Our solution was to try NC again but it was agonizing and extremely depressing for both of us. After only a few days, we saw each other again. All the love and intensity is there every time and it just doesn't make sense to me why he can't just move on if what he and I have makes him so happy. We talked again and agreed it would be better to do NC but to set a date that we could come back together and talk to see where we both were after a period of truly NC. He says this will help him sort things out. Part of me is afraid that after this time he will come back and say the same thing and I'll be in the same place. Any thoughts on this? I know he loves me deeply and I feel the same for him. I want us to have our chance and for him to be free and clear of his past. Am I just being naieve in believing that this limited NC time will do that for us? I don't want to continue to be in this same situation with him forever. I don't know what else to do in order for us to get there.
Chapter2 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Without giving my entire story, I will tell you that I know your journey of NC/breaking NC by heart. The ONLY thing that will snap him out of his indecision is the belief that he has lost you completely. I know that's probaby terrifying to you because of all the "what if's" but I can promise you that this cycle of instating and breaking NC will continue to repeat if he doesn't fully believe he's lost you. On some level he knows that every time you go through NC he can come back. He also knows that you will continue to take him back over and over again. I am currently in NC for the last and final time. I have moved, changed my phone numbers and he has no access to email. They must believe they have truly lost you or they will continue to vascilate from one decision to the other, all the while, staying in complete indecision. If your man truly wants to be with you, he will see the divorce through and be with you. Ok, for those of you that have been kind enough to follow my story here is the latest. A tiny bit of background for those who need to catch up. My MM has been separated the entire time we have been together. When we first began seeing each other he said his marriage was over. We have been together for 8 months. He's been separated and living aparf from W for 16 months. He claims he's not ready to file for divorce because it's hard to let go of the hopes and dreams he had when he first got married. He says he loves his wife but knows that the initial hopes and dreams are just not a reality anymore and that they are just not meant to be together. He says he's having trouble letting go of the memories and that our relationship is getting in the way of him processing the finality of his marriage ending. I can see how our relationship is a distraction. He claims to love me deeply and want a future with me but he just needs to "get there". We've tried NC several times only to end up talking a few days later and starting the cycle all over again. After our last NC he came back and said he was ready to move on, to get divorced and for us to see where our relationship can take us. Then a few days later he waivered and he didn't file the papers. Our solution was to try NC again but it was agonizing and extremely depressing for both of us. After only a few days, we saw each other again. All the love and intensity is there every time and it just doesn't make sense to me why he can't just move on if what he and I have makes him so happy. We talked again and agreed it would be better to do NC but to set a date that we could come back together and talk to see where we both were after a period of truly NC. He says this will help him sort things out. Part of me is afraid that after this time he will come back and say the same thing and I'll be in the same place. Any thoughts on this? I know he loves me deeply and I feel the same for him. I want us to have our chance and for him to be free and clear of his past. Am I just being naieve in believing that this limited NC time will do that for us? I don't want to continue to be in this same situation with him forever. I don't know what else to do in order for us to get there.
ataloss Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I can't answer any of your questions but I can sympathize with you. My situation is almost identical to yours. I'll be watching this thread closely to see where it goes. The thing I keep getting hung up on is why they move out? Sometimes I wonder if he really isn't sure he wants a D or it's taking that step frightens him. I, like yourself, wonder daily if I'm just naive.
Jane Doe Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 If your man truly wants to be with you, he will see the divorce through and be with you. Exactly. Remember, love isn't just an emotion; it's an action.
Freedom Now Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Chapter2, Right on sister! My story is like yours.....I have prevented him from contacting me anymore. He cannot contact me. I made sure of it. No more calls, emails, text messages, dates, chance encounters, zilch. For once, HE lost the control. It is mine now. I stopped the pain. I stopped the contact. I stopped the craziness by stopping HIM. Best move I have ever made, by the way. I have my Freedom Now. And, if he wants me, I trust that he will find a way to find me. That xMM of mine....he is quite the resourceful one. And if not.....(yawn)...his loss. Bailey, Until he keenly feels that he is losing you forever, he will vascillate between you and her. Take the control. Stop the cycle of push/pull. It is damaging and hurting you. Shut him out of your life. If he wants you, he will find you. On YOUR terms. And that is the only way you should ever speak to him again....On YOUR terms.
will2power Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 First, I'd suggest you start and stick with NC with your MM until he not only file but gets his D. While you are in NC, work on yourself and learn to be on your own again. It isn't easy, but you'll get there. Each day, remind yourself to breathe. I have been there. My sMM is working on getting there with me. If he pulls the same stunt as he did last time (going back and forth between his xW and me) we are through. Only this time, I'll not have a problem walking away as I've had the chance to be on my own without him. I love him, but it doesn't mean I have to take crap either. You hold more control over the situation than you give yourself credit. So take that control and live your life. Enjoy it.
Author Baileykeg Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Thanks everyone. For some reason this time of NC for us feels different for me. I don't have the terrible, throat-tightening despair that I've had each time in the past. I wonder why that is? Part of me thinks it may be because I'm just so tired of this cycle. I love him and want us to be able to move on with our lives together. I'm so very tired of the rollercoaster. I want it to stop. I want him to get himself together and come back to me free and clear. I'm going to do my very best to spend this time apart working on myself and what I need. I know there will still be good days and bad but if this is ever going to change I have to stay strong. Please keep the support coming!
BenThereDunThat Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Chapter2, Right on sister! My story is like yours.....I have prevented him from contacting me anymore. He cannot contact me. I made sure of it. No more calls, emails, text messages, dates, chance encounters, zilch. For once, HE lost the control. It is mine now. I stopped the pain. I stopped the contact. I stopped the craziness by stopping HIM. Best move I have ever made, by the way. I have my Freedom Now. And, if he wants me, I trust that he will find a way to find me. That xMM of mine....he is quite the resourceful one. And if not.....(yawn)...his loss. Bailey, Until he keenly feels that he is losing you forever, he will vascillate between you and her. Take the control. Stop the cycle of push/pull. It is damaging and hurting you. Shut him out of your life. If he wants you, he will find you. On YOUR terms. And that is the only way you should ever speak to him again....On YOUR terms. Just popping in to say - Freedom, I am totally digging your posts. Welcome!
Freedom Now Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 And YOU, BTDT.... I read your posts... Cut him off. Totally and completely. Let him live with his decision. Only when the well runs dry will he miss the water. If he truly loves you, he will fight for you. And you are worth the fight, don't you think? Just like Baileykeg...my advice is the same.... Strengthen yourself then cut him off.
BenThereDunThat Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 And YOU, BTDT.... I read your posts... Cut him off. Totally and completely. Let him live with his decision. Only when the well runs dry will he miss the water. If he truly loves you, he will fight for you. And you are worth the fight, don't you think? Just like Baileykeg...my advice is the same.... CUT HIM OFF. You are so right. I am worth the fight! And it's finally sinking in that he has no desire to fight for me. He really won't miss me one way or the other. Except the attention, he'll miss that, maybe. But he'll find some other adoring fool to get his fix there. Interesting note. I was chatting with him about how yesterday was bittersweet and he jumped in with 'Oh, *my name here*! I don't want you to be sad! The good has to outweigh the bad.' I said it does. And I now know what I'm sad for. Not so much what I can't have with you, but that I see now what is missing in my life. And that's a good thing, because you can't really strive for what you want if you don't even recognize what it is that's been missing!" These weren't just words I was saying. I meant it. I truly had an epiphany. Based on past conversations, I fully expected him to come back with something like 'that's all I've ever wanted for you all along, your happiness, you deserve it.' Huh. Funny thing. Not a WORD about it. We chatted a little here and there, nothing significant. Just like any other co-workers. And it had NO affect on me. Isn't it amazing? He's not showing any interest anymore! Big surprise! I'm no longer a person of interest if I'm not pining for him! He cashed in all his chips and this well IS dry. THIS was the point I was waiting for. When I could see the reality of it with my own eyes, and with a clear head. No drama, no anger, no tears. Just the reality of it all. The clouds have finally cleared.
Freedom Now Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Exactly. Keep your dignity and shut the door. Men have been literally known to go to the ends of the earth for the women they love. Walk away with your head held high. No theatrics, no drama, no anger. Just quietly shut the door with class. And don't let him open it unless he offers you something that YOU can live with. If he loves you, he will come and get you. And not just to talk to you or have contact with you. We have all tried that and it doesn't work. Too often, we leave the window open when we close the door on these men. Shut everything down. NC isn't enough. You must PREVENT him from having access to you. It is empowering. Trust me. I am doing it. There is no greater feeling than taking your power back when he has been the one holding all the cards. All my best. Freedom Now
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 And I now know what I'm sad for. Not so much what I can't have with you, but that I see now what is missing in my life. And that's a good thing, because you can't really strive for what you want if you don't even recognize what it is that's been missing!" Good for you! You have always held the keys to your own heart. Like Dorothy - she's always had the ability to go home if she had really wanted to. So glad to hear that you are finally coming home.
Author Baileykeg Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 I'm struggling today. I want to call him so badly. I know all of you will laugh at me. It's been 2 days of NC. Three days is the longest we've ever been able to go NC. I need support and advice on how to get past this time of weakness. I've got 32 more days to go before we "meet" to talk. I miss him so much. Help!!!
Freedom Now Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Hold strong. Do NOT give in. There will be no laughing here....I have been where you are. And it sucks like no tomorrow. You MUST maintain NC. Your credibility is on the line now. You must appear strong and fulfilled without him in your life. Let HIM come to YOU with a plan. Not a plan to keep you as his OW, but a plan to keep you in his life as HIS woman. Only by making him see what life is like without you, will he make a decision. And, oh yeah.....don't accept his calls unless his has a PLAN for your future. Breaking NC with nothing resolved will just put you back to square one again. You don't want to be there now, do you? Put a rubberband around your wrist and snap it when you feel like calling him. The pain will snap you out of the fog. Try it. It works. Hold on for what YOU want. This is your chance.
FrogWart Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Google it and find the article. It's probably most related to what you're talking about. Your feelings for each will never change. The only thing you have control over is how you handle it. Probably not much help in helping you make a good decision, but it will help you understand that so many people go through just what you are going through right now.
9Lives Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Without giving my entire story, I will tell you that I know your journey of NC/breaking NC by heart. The ONLY thing that will snap him out of his indecision is the belief that he has lost you completely. I know that's probaby terrifying to you because of all the "what if's" but I can promise you that this cycle of instating and breaking NC will continue to repeat if he doesn't fully believe he's lost you. On some level he knows that every time you go through NC he can come back. He also knows that you will continue to take him back over and over again. I am currently in NC for the last and final time. I have moved, changed my phone numbers and he has no access to email. They must believe they have truly lost you or they will continue to vascilate from one decision to the other, all the while, staying in complete indecision. If your man truly wants to be with you, he will see the divorce through and be with you. This is the truth. It dont get no better than this. Speaking from experience. I have not done the break nc thing alot but you have to remember they are where they want to be right now. They are not ready to make a change. So dont make the change but dont think I am going to stay cause I am not. You gonna take a loss just like me. If the man really loves you ....it is a loss and he will feel it. That is how it is but that does not mean he will leave. So you just have to stay away from him. Not because you want to but because you have to. What else can you do but stay in the same boat for a long as/s time.
Freedom Now Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 That is so true, 9Lives. He may not make the change, but he is gonna take a loss, just like me. Very good point.
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