AriaIncognito Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I’m having one of those days where I just want to cry. I feel so blue. It feels hopeless. I feel stupid for thinking this can work. I wish that I didn’t feel so strongly like he was “the one” because if I didn’t, I’d walk away knowing I deserve better. A month into the second go at it and we are in no different place. He’s still confused as to how he feels due to our differing religious backgrounds, yet I still love him. People that meet us seem to think we are great together and all that, but that matters not one iota if he’s so confused. A strong woman would walk away from him and tell him she deserves better than just scraps of a relationship. Me, I’ve been taking them. I don’t know why I’m so afraid to let him go, well I do know why, I’m afraid of not feeling love again for a long time, if ever. And while I know that I’ve always recovered in the past, that thought is of no consolation when you’re staring down the barrel of the gun, so to speak. Maybe he’s just stressed out because today is Yom Kippur and he’s introspective and also wants clarity as to how he feels for me. Maybe he’ll be fine in a day or so. However, it sucks to let myself get like this, if for even 1 minute, let alone hours/days. We just spent a great weekend together. Really close. Just really nice. It always seems like he backs away as soon as he feels himself getting too close to actually letting himself feel good. I simply don’t understand it. I guess I’m just writing this to vent. I want this depression to go away. I want to be happy. I’m ready for the next stage in life. Why is it so difficult to obtain? There are people 10 years younger than me that already have it, so what’s wrong with me? It just feels so daunting and lonely, anymore. Jennifer
KittenMoon Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 One of those days? Yeah. Today would have been our 7th anniv. Next week is his bday. In the last week I have gone to two places we always went to together, and did things we used to love to do together, all alone. I'm by no means any kind of mess, but there's a lot of aching going on today. So yeah- I'm on one of those days too.
Ariadne Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Hey Aria, Maybe he is all weirded out with the "High Holidays." You know how it is, he must be feeling more Jewish than ever. My Jewish guy told me yesterday at sunset to drive on a certain street and that they'd be all dressed up walking down the street. That even guys that never go to the Synagogue go today. So, probably not the best of time, but hope he is enjoying his stuff, Ariadne
Teacher's Pet Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I guess I’m just writing this to vent. I want this depression to go away. I want to be happy. I’m ready for the next stage in life. Why is it so difficult to obtain? There are people 10 years younger than me that already have it, so what’s wrong with me? It just feels so daunting and lonely, anymore. *scratches head* Don't you know someone just like that? Umm... what's his name? The one you met while he was crying over an emotionally abusive, sociopathic high school teacher? You know, that cute guy you sang "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" with 2 weeks ago......yes... THAT GUY! Seriously... what you are going through is normal. It's always hard to look to the future, when the present seems so bleak. But at the same time..... I seem to remember SOMEONE telling me, oh, say just over 3 months ago, that I needed to just get out more, meet new people, and learn to have fun again......She even told me to come out and see some fireworks with her, and it sure did me a world of good. That was a great piece of advice she gave me. And probably the best advice I'd had since my breakup. You are a fun, sweet person, Jenn. No one or nothing can ever change that. Love you! -tp barely 35 and barely dressed
Jane Doe Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I don't know the background of your relationship but I can tell you, if he and/or his family are devout Jews and you're not (or not willing to convert) you may have a hard road ahead of you. Jewish families for the most part are very tight and they want to keep their race as pure as possible. By pure I mean Jews marrying Jews.
Author AriaIncognito Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 Well, to put it bluntly, he is not orthodox, doesn't keep kosher, goes to temple seemingly once every 5 years...so no, he's not devout. I've discussed with him the whole conversion possibility so he knows I'm not against it. All i know is he seems afraid of what his family will think, because apparently his parents are harsh on his brothers wife, and she's even jewish. I'm not sure if he's just afraid of that, or if there's more. I know it wouldn't be an easy road. Heck did i think i'd be considering conversion to be with someone, no i didn't, but I guess we can't help who we fall in love with. Unfortunately my love for him means nothing if he's unable to love me back. Just so sad. Jennifer
Mollyanna Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Awww honey, I feel your pain. So sorry sweetie... I hate to see you so down. The best lines I have heard in a long long time: A strong woman would walk away from him and tell him she deserves better than just scraps of a relationship. Me, I’ve been taking them. Girl, you really just made me think. We need to be stronger women. That is what these men want, right? So let's give it to them. Let's be strong and not take anymore scraps. They should be chasing us! WHO are they going to find that is better than us AND loves them so unconditionally? I KNOW without a doubt that we are lowering our standards to be with them. They should be striving to meet up to OUR expections and make us happy. Why are we chasing them? Now that he has been reminded of what a good thing you guys have going, NOW is the time for you to back off and be elusive. Let him worry what you are thinking. Don't tell him you are backing off. Just be busy, contemplating your own life and what you want. I'm with ya girl. If you need to talk, call me! *big hug*
Teacher's Pet Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Girl, you really just made me think. We need to be stronger women. That is what these men want, right? So let's give it to them. Let's be strong and not take anymore scraps. They should be chasing us! WHO are they going to find that is better than us AND loves them so unconditionally? I KNOW without a doubt that we are lowering our standards to be with them. They should be striving to meet up to OUR expections and make us happy. Why are we chasing them? Now that he has been reminded of what a good thing you guys have going, NOW is the time for you to back off and be elusive. Let him worry what you are thinking. Don't tell him you are backing off. Just be busy, contemplating your own life and what you want. I'm with ya girl. If you need to talk, call me! *big hug* Mmmmmm, HMM!!!! Amen, my Sisters! *gender check* Umm.....hi girls! I'm so proud of both of you.....we've all come a long way, though I think we each have a ways to go...but.....we're gonna be ok!! Well...you two BETTER be ok.....who else is going to filter out my potential dates for me?!?!?!? Lord knows *I* can't pick 'em..... I LOVE you two SO much..... Always your partner-in-crime, -tp one of the girls but i have boy parts:) umm...and i like girls and i'm very immature for 35 but still cute toast is good
Author AriaIncognito Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 Don't be proud of me. I've done nothing. Only thing I'm currently doing, is still remaining hopeful that this can work out for me. So, i'm being dumb, more than likely. Jennifer
Ariadne Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 No, So, i'm being dumb, more than likely. You just want to be with him, it's very natural. Ariadne
Author AriaIncognito Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Ever since getting home from work i've just been laying in bed and crying off and on, which is pretty ridiculous considering we haven't even split up. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to be hurt. And I want so badly to not be hurt, and to be loved. I'm smart enough to understand all the advice I'm given and hell I'd even give the same advice, so why is it that i can't follow it when I know I need to. Why can't i just tell him to take a hike if he can't decide. Why do I settle for just the parts of him he'll give me? Love makes me feel like such a freaking moron, because basically it makes me someone I shouldn't be. I forsake all logic and reason because "i love hiiiiiim" and "but i'll never find someone like him again" i mean what is that crap why does love turn me (and many others) into emotional doormats? God for once I'd like to be the person that doesn't want a relationship and that is happy with their life being alone and single. I used to be that person, but then i didn't date for 3 years so I think with me it's either one extreme or the other. I need something else to focus on. Something to really want in my life besides a husband. Clearly, that goal is just making me crazy. Unfortunately, my mind seems one track with it lately. What is it about getting older. Ugh. Back to moping over something that hasn't even occurred yet. Jennifer
Mollyanna Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Hey Jen. How are you feeling now? I completely know the feeling of wanting a husband. I have always felt like my life would finally start once I found someone to marry. I hate that. I have my own life. I take care of myself. I really do not NEED anyone, except emotionally and sexually. But hell both of those needs can be met easily enough I suppose with a therapist and a bar tab. lol you know I am half kidding anyway. You have a lot of things going for you. A good job, a lot of friends, great social activities, an awesome talent, outgoing friendly personality, and a great sense of humor. Someone will come along. But until then, enjoy your time alone to do whatever the hell you want to do without anyone to answer to.
Teacher's Pet Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 You have a lot of things going for you. A good job, a lot of friends, great social activities, an awesome talent, outgoing friendly personality, and a great sense of humor. ....and she's damned cute, too! *hugs* -tp just damned. lol
Author AriaIncognito Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 I waver back and forth on how I feel. Some minutes I think I'm insane for allowing our relationship to continue, some minutes I'm really happy. It sucks to be part of something that is so volatile. I just can't seem to make up my mind on what I'm willing to deal with. Until I'm ready to make the decision, here I am. Silently hoping for a good outcome for me, whether that outcome be with him or someone else. Sigh. I'm tired.
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