PoshPrincess Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Not sure what to do now or how to play it. Some of you may know from my other posts that I had tried to go NC with my MM (after trying to do the 'friends' thing. Yawn! I have been boring myself with it to be honest. Anyway, after three weeks of NC (well, no speaking and only a couple of texts) we are back on 'friends' terms again. I say friends; that seems to mean being in touch on occasions but not seeing each other. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]When we were trying to be friends last time I ended up admitting I still had feelings for him which he probably knew deep down but kind of freaked him out I think, as we were both being so cool up until then. This isn't quite how things are now as he knows how I feel and on Friday, in a roundabout way, admitted he still had feelings for me too. I wasn't sure about this before. He has tried very hard with NC as he doesn't want to upset me but I thought he was just staying in touch so as not to hurt me, although he refused to tell me he didn't love me so I suppose I should've guessed. Although he still hasn't said those three little words, and I know he won't all the time he can't give me the commitment I want and deserve because he doesn't think it's fair on me, he told me he never stops thinking about me and not a day goes by where he doesn't think what might have been or what would still be if only he had the balls to sort his life out (not exactly his words but more or less). He says he finds it hard talking to me as all the old feelings come flooding back and remind him of what he's missing which is how I feel but after NC I have realised that I would rather have this than nothing at all. Probably selling myself short but I love him. Simple as (or not).[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]When he admitted this to me I was pretty cool (not cold). He knows how I feel so there's no need for me to say anything. We ended up getting cut off so I phoned leaving a message saying that it was nice to hear what he had said but not to worry as I won't take it to heart and expect anything out of it. I am just happy that we are in touch again. I knew that he would be beating himself up about giving me what could be false hope.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Neither of us want to go back to the A so what now? I know you'll probably tell me to go NC at least until he sorts his life out but I know that all the time I am around I am a constant reminder of how happy I made him. I feel like I am slowly chipping away at his armour and that one day we could be together, although it may be a long time coming. This is the first time he has admitted how he feels since he went on holiday 3 months ago so I feel there has been some progress. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Any thoughts would be appreciated.........[/sIZE][/FONT]
sapphire0903 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Hey Posh, Just to let you know, you are not alone in this boat! I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I too am trying to be just friends. He phoned this morning asking me to dinner tonight. I told him I would go. Last Wed. we went to dinner, we had a great time talking and all, but at the end of the evening he begins kissing me and holding me. This is what I have to stop. If we are to remain friends, I cant allow this. Iam sure he will understand. (at least I hope he will) I know the feeling though, it is so hard to completely let go of someone you love, when they have not let go completely. I feel for you Posh, I wish I had the words of wisdom to pass to you. I see myself going though similar situations that you are experiencing.
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 Thanks Sapphire. I've got a feeling he might avoid me for a while now after admitting his true feelings as he'll be worried about messing with my head again. I could be wrong. I don't know whether I will get to see him. I hope so. I don't think he would try anything on though anyway. He's being quite mature about it all even though it used to be him that was the weaker one. Funny, but I had a dream the other night that he came to see me and that we were hugging but I knew that nothing more could happen even though I sort of wanted it to. I know that if we do get together I must stay off the alcohol as that's when I end up giving in - and he's the same. That's why he never phones me if he's been out drinking. Willpower or what? Wish I could be that strong. The only thing that stops me contacting him when I've had a drink is that it's in the evening when he's at home with the family and I know I can't! Looks like you and me will have to support each other through this!
GreenEyedLady Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 PPrincess: I don't see how you can remain friends at this point in time. Either you are together or not in each other's lives at all. The hurt is still too fresh. Do you really want to be "friends?" Your post sounds very much like you are in love with him. If neither of you want to go back to the A, what is it that you both want? It would torture me to try to be friends with my MM when we've said it's over. It just really sounds like you two are on your way back together. No judgement here. Just make sure that's what you want.
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 PPrincess: I don't see how you can remain friends at this point in time. Either you are together or not in each other's lives at all. The hurt is still too fresh. Do you really want to be "friends?" Your post sounds very much like you are in love with him. If neither of you want to go back to the A, what is it that you both want? It would torture me to try to be friends with my MM when we've said it's over. It just really sounds like you two are on your way back together. No judgement here. Just make sure that's what you want. A bit confused about the whole sitch at the mo. I don't want to be friends as such, what I want is for him to be with me exclusively. If he didn't love me then I would walk away; there would be no point in staying 'friends'. But he does love me, and I love him more than anything, so although I am probably selling myself short by doing this, I would rather be in his life as a so-called 'friend' than not at all. As I said, I feel that I am slowly chipping away at his armour now and that one day we will be together. I am prepared to wait however long it takes. I waited 34 years to feel like this about someone and to have someone feel like this about me and I am not prepared to give up on it yet.
sapphire0903 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I know where you are coming from Posh, Just do this for yourself......... dont hope. If he is willing to be in your life as your friend, then dont wait. (At least this is what I am telling myself) You DO deserve happiness, and a chance of meeting someone new. I know the feeling of being treated so well. I hope you and I both meet someone who treats us as well and wants to be exclusive. But it won't be with him. There are decisions he has made in his life that exclude you. You have to be willing to make decisions in your life FOR YOU!! Can you be his friend with out hoping and holding on? No judgements here, I am going to try it myself,.........and it will be difficult, but hopefuly worth it. Friends can last a lifetime.
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 I know where you are coming from Posh, Just do this for yourself......... dont hope. If he is willing to be in your life as your friend, then dont wait. (At least this is what I am telling myself) You DO deserve happiness, and a chance of meeting someone new. I know the feeling of being treated so well. I hope you and I both meet someone who treats us as well and wants to be exclusive. But it won't be with him. There are decisions he has made in his life that exclude you. You have to be willing to make decisions in your life FOR YOU!! Can you be his friend with out hoping and holding on? No judgements here, I am going to try it myself,.........and it will be difficult, but hopefuly worth it. Friends can last a lifetime. If only it were that simple. He hasn't said he won't leave, that's the thing. Part of him still thinks he will; just not at the moment. His daughter had another year at school so maybe he is waiting till she leaves, I don't know. We don't really talk about it much anymore. I don't want to put any pressure on him. He wants more too but I suppose As are never that straightforward are they? I am not holding out for him though. I know I can't and he wouldn't ask me to. If a guy came along that I liked enough I certainly wouldn't say no to a night out so I am trying to keep my options open. Here's to us and the possibility of meeting someone new
sapphire0903 Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Well, I see your delima now, it would be very hard to let go if he is still on the fence. I would not pressure either. You have probably discussed this subject till your blue in the face.............the words probably seem redundant. You know,one thing I want to mention is how well he treats you, I know too well the feeling. I am trying to use this as a "measure stick" so to speak. With any new man, I want to be treated as well or better than he treated me. I believe that everything happens for a reason, maybe this is one of the lessons learned. I wont be with him, but he showed me how good it feels to be treated with such a high regard. I don't want any less. So, Hold your glass high, and I say too, CHEERS TO US!
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 Well, I see your delima now, it would be very hard to let go if he is still on the fence. I would not pressure either. You have probably discussed this subject till your blue in the face.............the words probably seem redundant. You know,one thing I want to mention is how well he treats you, I know too well the feeling. I am trying to use this as a "measure stick" so to speak. With any new man, I want to be treated as well or better than he treated me. I believe that everything happens for a reason, maybe this is one of the lessons learned. I wont be with him, but he showed me how good it feels to be treated with such a high regard. I don't want any less. So, Hold your glass high, and I say too, CHEERS TO US! You're so right about only wanting to be with someone who treats you that good or better. I never want to go back to that 'settling for something' again, like I did with my ex-partner. Mind you, really scared of feeling this strongly for someone again and going thru all this heartache if it doesn't work out. Then again, also scared of NEVER feeling like this again. Of still thinking my MM was 'the one' and always will be.
sapphire0903 Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Posh, I know exactly how you are feeling, I too fear that I will never meet anyone that treats me as well as him. I just simply will not settle for less. I have learned that from him.......and I am grateful I just keep thinking ......... ." I had a wonderful experience, I don't regret a minute, I have made a wonderful friend...........Okay life,....what's next!" Keep your chin up, try not to worry, (I know it is hard) make yourself think of something else when he pops in your mind. And remember, you have no control over the decisions he makes for himself, and He has no control over the decision YOU make for YOURSELF!! DONT FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Thanks Sapphire, am trying to take care of myself. Doing a lot better now than I was a month ago. Mind you, having counselling and am on anti-ds which probably makes a difference I guess! The anti-ds are stopping drinking so much too so that can only be a good thing. Am starting to stress about things a bit today however as I haven't heard from him since Saturday. Worried that he's feeling guilty for opening up to me about his feelings for me after such a long time. I know he will be beating himself up about this for fear of messing with my head but I really don't want him to feel bad. What he doesn't realise is that my head feels more messed up when I DON'T hear from him. Damned if you do and damned if you don't I guess. Also, kept dreaming about him last night so although I was in bed for 10 hours (didn't have my son last night so was hoping for an uninterrupted nights sleep) I kept waking up with him on my mind. So, hard to think about ANYTHING else when he pops into my head even when I'm sleeping! Do you dream about your MM a lot? I didn't used to when we were 'together' but seem to every night at the moment. Also had a couple of dreams where I was climbing but couldn't reach the top - v significant, I thought!
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