univ331 Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Here's the short and sweet story. My good friend dated this girl for about a year and a half back in college. He was really into her and I'm not sure if he's over her to this day. They broke up about 3 years ago. She's still been hanging out in our social circle for the last 2 years, but has moved on from him. Over the last few months, me and her have been having a great time and talking a lot. I like her and she likes me. We want to date, but the feelings of my friend are holding me up. The thought of me telling him scares me, but at the same time I want to be honest with him. I've gotten various types of advice from close friends, but I wanted to come here to get an outsider's thought. Am I wrong to want to get to know this girl on a different level? Thanks for the help.
stillafool Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I would say don't do it. If you think your friend is still in to her then it will definitely hurt him. You can meet plenty of women but good friends are hard to come by. Let this one go. Good luck!
gfto Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Am I wrong to want to get to know this girl on a different level? Don't do it. Your friend will probably no longer be your friend. There are thousands of girls out there. Find a different one.
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 You can never break the unwritten rule about not dating your freinds ex girlfriends.. No.. you cannot date an ex of your friends unless you expect to lose the friendship.. no matter how much time goes by..
Author univ331 Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 This is a tough call for me. Me and her have had this issue for a few months. I told her NO WAY at first, but we resorted to just hang out and talk. I've been trying to deny it, but we've grown closer. She wants something serious with me, but she understands my dilemma. Me and her ex are fairly good friends and he is the one person I would be comfortable dating somebody that I cared about.
Never Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 I've come to realise that feeling, in this sense, shouldn't be altered by how you think your friend should act. I believe this situation would be different if she was still into him but liked you more [or something along those lines], but from what I've read, you say she isn't interested in him. So basically it's either she's with you or she is with neither of you. And personally, I would rather have my friend happy than neither of us happy. This advice is coming from someone who experienced a similar situation. I was with a girl for a year and some months and we were really close, broke up, and my close friend started going out with her. At the time I was upset and sad, but now I realise that being together wasn't something either of us would have wanted anymore. If worse comes to worse, confront your friend. See his views on it. Everyone says that you shouldn't even go thus far and question him, since it's is crossing over unset boundries that friends should have. But if he is being as good of a friend as you are, he would like to see you happy and I'm sure wouldn't mind giving his opinion on it. If it bothers him a lot, you make your own judgement with weighing importance between the two.
Author univ331 Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 I know a lot of people say that no matter how long they've been broken off they are off-limits. I just think that they've been broken up for so long, and still been around each other, that things might be ok for him. I never ever meant for things to get this way, but sometimes things just happen. I just hate the fact that I'm going to make waves with whatever happens....
ThePennyDrops Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 If you think that your friend has even a sniff of feelings for her left, don't do it. Relationships come and go, but friends are forever.
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Just do it then... then you will be posting about how it ruined your friendship
kjl933 Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Univ331--before you decide to go for it, yo must turn in your "Man Membership Card" because that is one rule that, if broken, is grounds for immediate expulsion from the Man Club.
littlekitty Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 For me, this would be a no no. However.... if you are close friends, why not just pose him the question and find out how he feels about it? If he's not comfortable, and you feel you'd like to respect his wishes then don't pursue it?
beatlebob Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 The unwritten rule stuff is bunk if it's been several years and both of them are out of eachother's lives totally. But your friend still has a thing for his ex. And there's only millions of other women out there.
amaysngrace Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Talk to your friend about it first. If he says it's cool, it probably is. I know lots of guys who have shared girls. It's really not that big a deal. If it's over, it's over.
Moai Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 They have been broken up for so long, if there are issues with you dating this girl they are all in his head. It is his fault that he is not over her--if in fact he isn't. If your friendship is a strong one it should be able to weather this, rigt? I wouldn't steal a girl from a friend, nor would I date her if their relationship was recent. Most of the time my friends' an my taste in women is so different this isn't an issue anyway, but... I am currently dating a friend's ex. We see him all the time, and it is totally fine. They didn't have a horrible breakup, though, it was more like a "we're better as friends" type of thing. I remember when she and I first started hanging out (not yet dating) he told me that it wouldn't bother him, without my asking. And it doesn't. It bothers me a little more that they are still friends than it does our dating, but that's my problem. While I would wish any of my exes on any of my friends, it wouldn't bother me at all if one wound up dating a friend of mine. I am over them and don't care what they do or who they date.
Spiderman Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 I personally wouldn't go there, due to morals. I'd recommend speaking to your friend about how you feel. Bear in mind he may try to cover up the fact that he's hurting and would feel uncomfortable with the situation. Would it not play on your mind further down the line that your friend has already 'stirred your porridge' for a want of better words?
Spiderman Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 If it's over, it's over. Oh if it was that simple...
littlekitty Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Would it not play on your mind further down the line that your friend has already 'stirred your porridge' for a want of better words? Definately something to consider!!
Author univ331 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Posted October 5, 2006 Thanks for the comments. Still dont know what the f i'm going to do...
Foreva86 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I know a guy who dated his cousin's girlfriend after they broke up. They had a huge fight and never talked to eachother again. And she eventually broke up with him too after a few years. I agree with the other guys. You should talk to him about it before it goes any further.
Author univ331 Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 So I finally talked to my friend about it tonight. I had to call him and ask him his feelings and thoughts. I said that I've been hanging out with his ex and that I'm starting to like her. I said that I didnt know what to do and that I wanted to let him know and hear what he had to say. He sounded surprised and just said that he's always prefered not to really hang out with her and also did not want to witness anything happen around him but he appreciated my honesty. It was a very awkward conversation and I dont know how to take it. I'm glad that I was open about it, but I feel bad for blind siding him with that. I'm happy I got it off my chest though, I think I should give him a few days for it to set in. We've never had a serious talk like that and I know he wasnt expecting it.
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