Everything seemed so perfect.

[Lotus]

This is my first post here... and I'm hoping that one of you good folks have a bit of advice for me, because I'm starting to feel so frayed over this.

 

A bit about me. I'm 30, and haven't dated anyone seriously in about 1.5 years since a very bad breakup with an ex. After that, I decided that I wasn't playing games anymore, and raised my standards very, very high.

 

Finally, I meet someone (it took long enough) who met my standards, for intelligence, personality, balance in life, strength, moral courage, and so on. And for the first month, it was like fireworks, glorious amazing fireworks. It hardly took long at all before "I love you," was on both of our hearts, and in both of our words.

 

About 2 weeks ago, I had some personal matters hit me out of the blue that really really threw me for a loop. Many many matters compiled and cumulated to the point that I was deeply depressed, feeling utterly out of control and extremely stressed out. This stress was spilling over into everything, and while I tried to explain to him that I'm going through a really rough time and to please be patient with me, it still came to that all of a sudden, those fireworks disappeared.

 

Many factors seem to have come into play - busy in his life, busy in mine, tackling stress, dealing with all of these things (mundane concerns, mostly... but the fact that i was hit with many of them all at once really put me on a terrible edge for a while)... but they turned into so much anxiety for me that I've felt just on edge all the time.

 

It suprised him, as he said something to the effect of, "I don't know how someone as strong as you can be bogged down like that." I told him, "I've gone through worse and I'll make it fine, but I'm human and this happens." Still, he seemed disappointed in a way. Later that night, the conversation went to him saying, "I'm just analyzing and scrutinizing, to make sure that your approach to life and mine are compatible in the long run. They say

Love Conquers All, but I know that isn't true."

 

I thought things were OK, but they haven't seemed the same. He would jump at the chance to say "I love you," but when I got off the phone with him earlier tonight, I said, "I love you," and got "You too," in response. He used to say, "I can't get enough of you," and now it's more like, "I'll squeeze you in when I get time."

 

My heart is feeling fragile right now. I've gone through so much in the past few weeks that another sorrow would be devestating to me... and I'm feeling like it's on the brink here. I feel as if he is a straightforward person, and would tell me if something is wrong... but maybe to him, nothing is wrong. I feel like maybe that wedge of disappointment he felt at watching me deal with so many struggles that got all thrown at me at once (and I told him: this is rare) is changing his thoughts and feelings about me.

 

We spoke so many times words of, "I've been waiting for so long for someone like you to come along," so I think that things are solid, right? But I just don't know. I feel so confused, sad, and upset that right now, I don't know where this is going.

 

Has anyone been through this? Any insight would be greatly appreciated to a love-struck woman who feels as if the most beautiful man she has ever met is about to slip away.

[Loserdude]

Wow, you have a lot to think about. But just becuase the fireworks are gone, that's nothing to worry about. That stuff just comes and goes. Don't be too hung up on feelings. Relationships change - they progress and they fall apart. You did the right thing by talking honestly with him. If you didn't, you'd be living a lie. Nothing is slipping away. If it is his choice to leave, then it's his choice. I think right now you two are really communicating well - you telling him what was going on and him telling you that he has some thoughts/reservations - so that is really good. Do yourself a favor and focus on resolving the crises and make sure you don't take it out on him or the relationship. If you need some down time, then let him know, otherwise make sure you don't just dump it all on him all the time.

 

I don't know if that helps but i think you're doing the right thing and that's what's most important because when you look back you have to know that you did.

 

Good luck

[phyrespryte]

Overall I agree with Loserdude, focus on resolving your crisis and not let it spill over onto the relationship.

 

But I really dislike that your guy said to you...

"I'm just analyzing and scrutinizing, to make sure that your approach to life and mine are compatible in the long run. They say

Love Conquers All, but I know that isn't true."

What's his deal? Has he been burned before? I mean if I was in a similar situation my reaction would've been like...what can I do to help? Or do you need some time to deal with stuff? But then I'm naive and have never been in love.

[Loserdude]

Yeah, despite Phyrespryt's bad grammar, he's right. What's up with that? What's he do for a living, professional computer?

[Lotus]

Well, he was with one girl, the same one, for eight years. They broke up a year ago. He was pretty burned by that, and now he says that he's feeling like he doesn't have another 8 years too many more times to get things right. In that last relationship, love certainly did not conquer all.

[nicki]

Sorry you are hurting, Lotus. (As you know the Lotus flower grows in the mud, where things are murky.)

 

And things aren't very clear right now, are they?

 

But, this is something that can be worked out. His fears are talking, that's all.

 

I think you have been very open and honest in this relationship. He is probably scared that he will waste another 8 years in another relationship with someone who isn't a good match.....so he is constantly evaluating everything....and this isn't your fault.

 

You have been honest and expressive with him. I agree with the poster that said your boyfriend had the choice to say "Hey, how can I help?" or give you some other words of encouragement, such as "We'll get through it. Things will get better."

 

Instead, he thought about himself and how it affected him. That's okay, he needs to make sure you both fit well together, but that's only half of the equation. I've done what he is doing. After coming out of a long and abusive marriage, I was so afraid of choosing badly. I questioned everything my poor boyfriend did.

 

One day he told me, "Hey. Not everything is going to be perfect. I'm going to make mistakes. You are going to make mistakes. Things are going to come up, but I love you and we will work through things." Wow, that was a wake up call.

 

Maybe he just isn't at the emotional point yet that he can consider your perspective. It's important to you that you make sure HE is good for you and meets your needs.

 

Keep talking to him. I'm very sure you will work things out. He's most likely a little scared due to his last relationship. See if he will talk about his fears, and illustrate to him how things will be different with you two, even if some of the same situations come up.

 

Good luck! Keep true to yourself and what you want.

[Lotus]

Wow, you have a lot to think about. But just becuase the fireworks are gone, that's nothing to worry about. That stuff just comes and goes. Don't be too hung up on feelings. Relationships change - they progress and they fall apart. You did the right thing by talking honestly with him. If you didn't, you'd be living a lie. Nothing is slipping away. If it is his choice to leave, then it's his choice. I think right now you two are really communicating well - you telling him what was going on and him telling you that he has some thoughts/reservations - so that is really good. Do yourself a favor and focus on resolving the crises and make sure you don't take it out on him or the relationship. If you need some down time, then let him know, otherwise make sure you don't just dump it all on him all the time.

 

I don't know if that helps but i think you're doing the right thing and that's what's most important because when you look back you have to know that you did.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you for that. I have been focusing very well on communication. Actually, it was one of the conversations that we first had - when we first met, we spent hours upon hours talking about where we stand on many things, and I told him, "I'm a very straightforward, honest (maybe to a fault) person. I don't believe in playing games. If I have something going on, I'll let you know." And I did. I didn't want to give him all the gritty details because a.) they're an embarrasment to me (when my finances get screwed up beyond words, it happens!), and b.) I wouldn't ever ask for him to help, and wouldn't accept an offer to.

 

I actually explained to him when we were talking about this, "everyone goes through their problems in life. I'm having a slew of them all at once. It's really, really difficult on me. I have survived much worse than this, and will get through this, and will be singing again in no time. Every time I take a hit like this, I get stronger, better, and more able to deal with it faster. Such is how I grow. Doesn't mean I hurt any less over it, but I can cope better to get through the storm, faster. I don't expect anyone to help me; I deal with my own problems - if I didn't, how would I learn from them? All I would ever ask of any friend of mine, anyone who I know cares about me, is a shoulder to cry on when I need to let out my frustrations, or someone to rant to when I need to get it off my chest... and I'd gladly do the same for a friend anyday."

 

The crises are just about done with. The stress is just about ready to be gone. For this, I'm ecstatically happy. I hope that I can just bounce back with the relationship, and have that wonderful, warm, loving connection that I had before all this stress started.

[Lotus]

Sorry you are hurting, Lotus. (As you know the Lotus flower grows in the mud, where things are murky.)

 

And things aren't very clear right now, are they?

 

Nothing has seemed clear over the past few weeks. I finally am feeling like I am getting to some point of clarity again, and what a breath of fresh air that is. I like that thought on the lotus. Thank you.

 

But, this is something that can be worked out. His fears are talking, that's all.

Talking? In what way?

 

I think you have been very open and honest in this relationship. He is probably scared that he will waste another 8 years in another relationship with someone who isn't a good match.....so he is constantly evaluating everything....and this isn't your fault.

 

He more or less said that same thing. He fears wasting another 8 years on the wrong person. I don't blame him. Still, it doesn't leave me in a much better position for it. I don't like feeling as if I am being held up to the failings of his ex.

 

You have been honest and expressive with him. I agree with the poster that said your boyfriend had the choice to say "Hey, how can I help?" or give you some other words of encouragement, such as "We'll get through it. Things will get better."

He said, "I don't know what I can do to help you," and I said, "Just be here for me." I don't know if I stated this earlier, but he said right off that he really admired my strength, my tenacity, my intelligence. Now, as a result of all this crap, I'm feeling weak, meager, and foolish. I know that I'm not, but it's just going to take a bit for me to get my confidence back up again after taking such a hit. Every day, every good thing I do in my life is a step towards that. Do you think that he'd see that in me? That even strong people are weak sometime? That even the toughest of us can hurt? But even though that is true, that we bounce back, get stronger, more resiliant as a result? That these things build us up?

 

Instead, he thought about himself and how it affected him. That's okay, he needs to make sure you both fit well together, but that's only half of the equation. I've done what he is doing. After coming out of a long and abusive marriage, I was so afraid of choosing badly. I questioned everything my poor boyfriend did.

He did. He thought very much of that. He thought about whether or not it is compatible with him. I didn't understand it. I hadn't been in a relationship in almost a year and a half since him. I kind of got used to being single and just resolved to it. I guess I kind of forgot how to have a relationship.

 

One day he told me, "Hey. Not everything is going to be perfect. I'm going to make mistakes. You are going to make mistakes. Things are going to come up, but I love you and we will work through things." Wow, that was a wake up call.

Maybe I should say the same to him?

 

Maybe he just isn't at the emotional point yet that he can consider your perspective. It's important to you that you make sure HE is good for you and meets your needs.

So far, he's met every one of my stringent criteria... except for this perception that he'll shirk away everytime I get overwhelmed with life and have massive stress to deal with. That's the big question mark in the matter.

 

Keep talking to him. I'm very sure you will work things out. He's most likely a little scared due to his last relationship. See if he will talk about his fears, and illustrate to him how things will be different with you two, even if some of the same situations come up.

We're going out on Wednesday... a picnic on a beautiful day in the park. I'm actually kind of hoping to avoid any heavy conversation about these things. I think I'm just going to see how things go. I'm feeling so much the stronger now about things, and in such better shape than I was last week when I was tearing my hair out with stress. Do you think that the feeling would come back with him once he sees that I don't let bad things bog me down forever?

 

Good luck! Keep true to yourself and what you want.

Thank you again for all the kind advice.

[Loserdude]

I can't say I read all the details, but if your crises are financial, I doubt that would drive him away. What would drive me away is not the crisis but how one reacts to it. - If you search my posts you'll get a flavor for what I dealt with. I met a very sweet beautiful girl who loves me and I love her, and when things were tough, get this, she turned to stripping. Ouch. She never talked to me or asked my opinion. Just went out and bought those shoes and got to work. Yikes.

Long story short, I am now largely subsidizing her.

 

Keep the faith!