I'm Basically Full Of It

[BenThereDunThat]

(sigh) Back again. For all my going on and on about how strong I've been and how I'm focusing on my own happiness, liking myself, making improvements, being the person I want to be....all a load of crap!

 

Not completely, I do exaggerate. I am focusing on all the above still. However, exMM and I have worked on our friendship. Stupid I know. We work together, make each other laugh and genuinely care about each other. I really like my job, but I like it so much better when we are getting along.

 

After weeks of many e-mail fights and totally ignoring each other at work, we slowly got to an understanding. The friendship is important to us, we were foolish to let it go beyond that. Boundaries have been established and adhered to.

 

So, what's the problem? The problem is that I am still deeply, genuinely in love with him. I know, I know you ALL told me it was impossible to maintain a friendship with someone you care about so much.

 

I'm okay. I'm not devastated like I was. But we spent the afternoon together today -- as friends do, had an absolutely wonderful time, just hanging out, laughing, joking.

 

I am not an emotional person. Especially with the men in my life. I've always been the "strong" one in the relationship, almost always the ender of relationships. Few things make me cry. But on the way back from the last place we went to today, I could feel the tears coming.

 

I pretty much just bolted out of his car and fought the tears my whole drive home. By the time I got home, the floodgate opened. I have never felt such deep love for anyone, let alone someone I can't have.

 

So therefore, it can't be real love. Real love has to be returned. Completely. I know this, I live by this. For as much as it feels like we belong together, obviously, we don't. Otherwise, we would be.

 

Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'll feel better tomorrow. Just wanted to post to get it all out of my head.

[alphamale]

have never felt such deep love for anyone' date=' let alone someone I can't have.[/quote']

the love you can never have is always the greatest love of all...its the law of supply and demand.

[magichands]

Just wanted to post to get it all out of my head.

So now you have been there and done that. Just don't go there and do it again, goddamn you!!!!

 

I feel for you - I really do. But you're doing this to yourself.

[Pyro]

(sigh) Back again. For all my going on and on about how strong I've been and how I'm focusing on my own happiness, liking myself, making improvements, being the person I want to be....all a load of crap!

 

Not completely, I do exaggerate. I am focusing on all the above still. However, exMM and I have worked on our friendship. Stupid I know. We work together, make each other laugh and genuinely care about each other. I really like my job, but I like it so much better when we are getting along.

 

After weeks of many e-mail fights and totally ignoring each other at work, we slowly got to an understanding. The friendship is important to us, we were foolish to let it go beyond that. Boundaries have been established and adhered to.

 

So, what's the problem? The problem is that I am still deeply, genuinely in love with him. I know, I know you ALL told me it was impossible to maintain a friendship with someone you care about so much.

 

I'm okay. I'm not devastated like I was. But we spent the afternoon together today -- as friends do, had an absolutely wonderful time, just hanging out, laughing, joking.

 

I am not an emotional person. Especially with the men in my life. I've always been the "strong" one in the relationship, almost always the ender of relationships. Few things make me cry. But on the way back from the last place we went to today, I could feel the tears coming.

 

I pretty much just bolted out of his car and fought the tears my whole drive home. By the time I got home, the floodgate opened. I have never felt such deep love for anyone, let alone someone I can't have.

 

So therefore, it can't be real love. Real love has to be returned. Completely. I know this, I live by this. For as much as it feels like we belong together, obviously, we don't. Otherwise, we would be.

 

Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'll feel better tomorrow. Just wanted to post to get it all out of my head.

 

You are torturing yourself right now by hanging out with this guy. Be friends with the guy but not until you have all the feelings out of your system. I think that you should stop all contact with this guy for the time being until those feelings are gone. You will feel better in the end.

[BenThereDunThat]

the love you can never have is always the greatest love of all...its the law of supply and demand.

 

Totally true. I think the fact that I can't "have" him, just intensifies the supposed "love" I feel.

 

"I feel for you - I really do. But you're doing this to yourself."

 

I completely agree MH. I have no one to blame for this but myself.

 

"You are torturing yourself right now by hanging out with this guy. Be friends with the guy but not until you have all the feelings out of your system. I think that you should stop all contact with this guy for the time being until those feelings are gone. You will feel better in the end."

 

All contact will be almost impossible, but I do have the power to minimalize it considerably. Today will be the last day I hang out with him. That clearly was not a healthy thing to do.

 

Thanks guys -- I'll get better, I know I will. Especially when I start dating again! I'm sure the fact that this is the only male attention (at least "wanted" attention) I'm receiving right now is just aggravating the whole thing.

[Pyro]

Totally true. I think the fact that I can't "have" him, just intensifies the supposed "love" I feel.

 

"I feel for you - I really do. But you're doing this to yourself."

 

I completely agree MH. I have no one to blame for this but myself.

 

"You are torturing yourself right now by hanging out with this guy. Be friends with the guy but not until you have all the feelings out of your system. I think that you should stop all contact with this guy for the time being until those feelings are gone. You will feel better in the end."

 

All contact will be almost impossible, but I do have the power to minimalize it considerably. Today will be the last day I hang out with him. That clearly was not a healthy thing to do.

 

Thanks guys -- I'll get better, I know I will. Especially when I start dating again! I'm sure the fact that this is the only male attention (at least "wanted" attention) I'm receiving right now is just aggravating the whole thing.

 

How about getting some cleaning done in the meantime?

[BenThereDunThat]

How about getting some cleaning done in the meantime?

 

No making me laugh when I'm throwing my little pity party!!

 

STUPID cleaning!

[luvstarved]

OK I do not know your story and this is the first post of yours that I have read. But it sounds as though you have been involved with a MM and now trying to have a cordial platonic relationship, but the problem is...you are in love with him...only you know it isn't real love because it isn't returned.

 

Wow what a mess. I am not criticizing or judging you because I have been there done that too. But I am going to say something that you may find harsh. It isn't "not real love" because it isn't returned. It's not real love because it is, instead, an addiction.

 

Apparently this MM is not available because he wants to stay with his wife. He says he no longer wants a physical relationship but he does want to stay friends?

 

Listen, it is damn difficult to truly love someone who doesn't love you back. But it is possible. Real love does not describe itself in terms like "I can't have him" though. Real love is selfless and wants what is best for the beloved. Real love makes you happy when the beloved is happy.

 

But putting semantic arguments aside, the reality is that you CAN'T have him and you will never be satisfied to be friends with him. Let me ask you something...you say you are happier at work when you two get along...is it possible that ANY sort of positive attention from him gives you that good feeling? Do you find yourself at work thinking about him and getting cheerful if he pays you attention, etc and being in a funk for the day if he doesn't? If so, you are obsessed with and addicted to him and there is no other viable solution than to get him OUT OF YOUR LIFE! You will never get over it otherwise.

 

I was in such a relationship and I am not exaggerating to say that it almost killed me. I got so depressed that I started drinking after work, then I started drinking before work, then during work. I ended up in the hospital. I went back to my job but he was still there and I craved any sort of attention I could get from him. In the end, I got fired from that job after 11 years because of it all. It wasn't until I got away from him that I was able to pull myself together and move on. I have no feelings for him now, thank God, but it took several years to get over it completely. I know my case was extreme, but there are all sorts of self-destructive behavior and you sound like you are already going there and it will probably escalate until things come to an ugly head and at your expense.

 

Listen, the guy might be your soulmate, the most charming, funniest, sexy intelligent man on the whole frickin' planet. Mine was. But you can't have what you can't have and it will never be enough to brush against it or look at it through the candy store window.

 

Please do yourself a favor. Take action to get this man out of your life and allow yourself some grief. It is a loss I know. But work through that grief and move on. You can be happy again. It will take time and effort, but it can and will happen if you start moving in a positive direction for YOURSELF.

 

I know how painful this must be for you and my heart goes out to you.

[Pyro]

No making me laugh when I'm throwing my little pity party!!

 

STUPID cleaning!

 

La la la.

[BenThereDunThat]

Wow, luv. Thanks for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it and I'm sorry for what you went through.

 

I am having a bad time of it today, but I don't feel that it is an addiction. I really like my job, and I don't think it's so much the attention from him, more the interaction. We have the same weird sense of humor and trading jokes back and forth, belly laughs, and what not. Makes the day go by faster. I also have a lot of good friends I've made through this job and I enjoy interacting with them, too.

 

I don't get into a funk if we're not chatting throughout the day.

 

I don't want to sound like I'm protesting too much. But I think the reason today upset me so much, not for the feelings I have for him, but the feelings I have for wanting a decent, healthy relationship in my life.

 

Someone to do the things with that he and I did today. Someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, laugh with. Someone who's idea of a great day doesn't always mean sitting in a bar and getting loaded.

 

I ended a brief, bad marriage very recently and he's so much different than the exH.

 

So, there's a lot of emotional things at play here. Stuff that I know will eventually work its way out. I've stumbled a few times, but I'm a good bouncer-backer!

[luvstarved]

OK I already wrote a lot but forgot to mention it also struck me when you said you "genuinely care about each other". Just wanted to say I have my doubts about that. For a lot of reasons. Any chance he wants to just charm you out of having a nutty and blowing his cover? Do you really believe that he is blissfully unaware of your pain? Is it possible that he just wants to have what he wants and isn't considering other people's feelings? Or even that he really doesn't have much at all in the way of true feelings? Heads up: sociopaths are among the very most charming people... again I don't know your situation, just offering food for thought.

 

Just hard to cough up an image of a "genuinely caring" guy who has cheated on his wife and now wants to stay friendly with the OW...if he doesn't know your pain, that is a bad sign. If he does, that's a worse sign...as regards his character...

[luvstarved]

OK I was posting while you were posting...just read your reply.

 

Well more power to you if you can keep it at similar sense of humor. I also had that with mine and it was indeed rare and fun and if it weren't for all the very non-funny stuff that went with it, I would probably miss it.

 

I don't share that in particular with my H now but I don't miss it because I am in a good relationship, full of problems and insecurities, to be sure, but all ours and getting better all the time. Being with my H and that contrast of good relationship to bad makes me SOOOOO grateful that I never DID land "Mr Wonderful". I would have been a basket case if I had.

 

I wish you the best of luck but please don't let this drag you down...

[BenThereDunThat]

OK I already wrote a lot but forgot to mention it also struck me when you said you "genuinely care about each other". Just wanted to say I have my doubts about that. For a lot of reasons. Any chance he wants to just charm you out of having a nutty and blowing his cover? Do you really believe that he is blissfully unaware of your pain? Is it possible that he just wants to have what he wants and isn't considering other people's feelings? Or even that he really doesn't have much at all in the way of true feelings? Heads up: sociopaths are among the very most charming people... again I don't know your situation, just offering food for thought.

 

Just hard to cough up an image of a "genuinely caring" guy who has cheated on his wife and now wants to stay friendly with the OW...if he doesn't know your pain, that is a bad sign. If he does, that's a worse sign...as regards his character...

 

Hmmm, those are all very good points. Yes, he does know the devastation I went through in breaking up with him. Told me he went through some himself, but I'm sure not to the degree I did. I do also keep in mind that I can't believe everything he tells me.

 

He knows I would never tell on him. I do notice that he has a certain amount of ice running through his veins. He's very good at compartmentalizing his feelings. He's even told me as much.

 

He probably doesn't genuinely care as much as I'd like to think he does. But there are certain things that I saw with my own eyes that can't be faked. And with everything I've thrown at him, saying every hurtful thing I could think of to him when I was going through the total anger stage....he just kept taking it and apologizing for hurting me. Repeatedly.

 

He's been just as strict with the boundaries as I have. I've kept an eye out for him trying subtle ways of getting back in (no pun intended!) and haven't seen it.

 

But I'm not closing the door completely on the possibility that that's all he's doing this for.

[BenThereDunThat]

OK I was posting while you were posting...just read your reply.

 

Well more power to you if you can keep it at similar sense of humor. I also had that with mine and it was indeed rare and fun and if it weren't for all the very non-funny stuff that went with it, I would probably miss it.

 

I don't share that in particular with my H now but I don't miss it because I am in a good relationship, full of problems and insecurities, to be sure, but all ours and getting better all the time. Being with my H and that contrast of good relationship to bad makes me SOOOOO grateful that I never DID land "Mr Wonderful". I would have been a basket case if I had.

 

I wish you the best of luck but please don't let this drag you down...

 

Thanks, I really won't. Today was just a bad day.

 

And I keep looking forward to the day when I am in that healthy relationship, that I too can look back and be grateful I didn't end up with "Mr. Let's Be Friends".

[luvstarved]

Yeah I am just trying to offer some things from my experience. My guy (who wasn't even married, just engaged, btw, so I probably harbored more hope than you did) ALSO was very "helpful" in getting me through my pain. It was only after years of retrospect that I realized that he didn't genuinely care...it has been a long time since all this happened...it was an 18 month relationship that ended 11 years ago. I dated like crazy to try to get over it and thought I would never find anyone to match up to him. But we ended in March and I met my H in July...our 10th anniversary coming up in January. This is going to sound INSANE (heck I was drinking like a fish so actually this is pretty sane by comparison) but in my desperation I actually called a psychic hotline and they told me that I was going to meet a dark haired man over the summer and that he would be "the one". Hilarious that they were right! I knew a guy whose wife was a "psychic" and he told me it was all a load of crap, but...if it helped to move along a little self-fulfilling prophecy, hooray!

 

Point is, however great he seems, he really isn't the only one you will ever want, so keep the faith...and start looking for Mr Wonderfully Right Best Friend For Life!

[BenThereDunThat]

Yeah I am just trying to offer some things from my experience. My guy (who wasn't even married, just engaged, btw, so I probably harbored more hope than you did) ALSO was very "helpful" in getting me through my pain. It was only after years of retrospect that I realized that he didn't genuinely care...it has been a long time since all this happened...it was an 18 month relationship that ended 11 years ago. I dated like crazy to try to get over it and thought I would never find anyone to match up to him. But we ended in March and I met my H in July...our 10th anniversary coming up in January. This is going to sound INSANE (heck I was drinking like a fish so actually this is pretty sane by comparison) but in my desperation I actually called a psychic hotline and they told me that I was going to meet a dark haired man over the summer and that he would be "the one". Hilarious that they were right! I knew a guy whose wife was a "psychic" and he told me it was all a load of crap, but...if it helped to move along a little self-fulfilling prophecy, hooray!

 

Point is, however great he seems, he really isn't the only one you will ever want, so keep the faith...and start looking for Mr Wonderfully Right Best Friend For Life!

 

Thanks, I really appreciate your insight! It's so easy to not see clearly, no matter how hard I try, when you're in the midst of it all.

 

Hey, I'll take some self-fulfilling prophecy any way I can!

 

Congrats on 10 years with your hubby! I know I'll meet the right one. I'll definitely be better armed to know what I want and will be more appreciative of the love I receive in return.

 

One of these days, you'll be seeing me post on here about it, I'm sure!

[lovernotafighter]

BTDT

damn working with MM is a huge pain isn't it? have no fear girlie...we all have fallen of the wagon once in awhile we just have to get back on that horse and ride! :-)

 

I did to..this weekend was horrid, remember for the last few weeks I was doing so well...well scratch that, my MM started a sh*tty chain of events that made me feel insane...I lied to him, tested him and then called him and we both lied lied lied...Ive read this thread and I swear just this weekend I realised my MM was probably acting so caring for me out of fear as well, just like luvstarved has stated...I dunno, but thing is I shouldn't care why they want us...neither should you.

 

it's easier said than done, I'm becoming the poster child for that, but remember just cause we cave once in awhile doesn't mean we have to fall into full throttle all over again..keep inching away..theres no total nc for us but we can do the best we can.

 

good luck,I'll be thinking about you.

[BenThereDunThat]

BTDT

damn working with MM is a huge pain isn't it? have no fear girlie...we all have fallen of the wagon once in awhile we just have to get back on that horse and ride! :-)

 

I did to..this weekend was horrid, remember for the last few weeks I was doing so well...well scratch that, my MM started a sh*tty chain of events that made me feel insane...I lied to him, tested him and then called him and we both lied lied lied...Ive read this thread and I swear just this weekend I realised my MM was probably acting so caring for me out of fear as well, just like luvstarved has stated...I dunno, but thing is I shouldn't care why they want us...neither should you.

 

it's easier said than done, I'm becoming the poster child for that, but remember just cause we cave once in awhile doesn't mean we have to fall into full throttle all over again..keep inching away..theres no total nc for us but we can do the best we can.

 

good luck,I'll be thinking about you.

 

Thanks LNF - I know you know what it's like. Today is definitely a better day than yesterday evening was. Just PMS'ing for one. And I just keep telling myself that I'm not really in love with him. I'm in love with the idea of him.

 

I know now what's been missing, and now I can strive for it with a clear image in my mind. Before, I didn't know WHAT I wanted.

 

So, I feel good about things.

 

You're right. We shouldn't care what their motives are. Just care about ourselves. Let them flounder, worry, chase, WHATever, all they want!

 

We're too smart, funny, and pretty, dammit!

[magichands]

Just care about ourselves. Let them flounder, worry, chase, WHATever, all they want!

 

We're too smart, funny, and pretty, dammit!

A trifle short on selflessness, caring, and modesty - though...but then maybe I quoted you out of context.

 

Whatever. It's inspiring to see someone taking responsibility for their better qualities.

[pricillia]

Wow, luv. Thanks for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it and I'm sorry for what you went through.

 

I am having a bad time of it today, but I don't feel that it is an addiction. I really like my job, and I don't think it's so much the attention from him, more the interaction. We have the same weird sense of humor and trading jokes back and forth, belly laughs, and what not. Makes the day go by faster. I also have a lot of good friends I've made through this job and I enjoy interacting with them, too.

 

I don't get into a funk if we're not chatting throughout the day.

 

I don't want to sound like I'm protesting too much. But I think the reason today upset me so much, not for the feelings I have for him, but the feelings I have for wanting a decent, healthy relationship in my life.

 

Someone to do the things with that he and I did today. Someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, laugh with. Someone who's idea of a great day doesn't always mean sitting in a bar and getting loaded.

 

I ended a brief, bad marriage very recently and he's so much different than the exH.

 

So, there's a lot of emotional things at play here. Stuff that I know will eventually work its way out. I've stumbled a few times, but I'm a good bouncer-backer!

 

I know what you are going through, and I can deifinately relate to wanting a decent, healthy relationship, and the part where you mentioned that you want someone that doesn't think a great day means sitting in a bar the whole day.

 

I know the connection that you feel for your MM, everything seems to fit except that one nagging thing... when his time with you is over, he goes home to someone else.

 

How long have you been with MM, and how long has it been since you have been strong, beside a few stumbles along the way...I am really stumbling as well, I did end it but you know how it goes all too well, we went out last night and talked... I will get into it later I am just trying to take this one day at a time.

[BenThereDunThat]

A trifle short on selflessness, caring, and modesty - though...but then maybe I quoted you out of context.

 

Whatever. It's inspiring to see someone taking responsibility for their better qualities.

 

Man, Magic, you are proving to be my harshest critic!

 

Yes, you did take me out of context. Just being silly; but also saying we're too good to settle for this nonsense.

[Freedom Now]

Believe it.

 

You are too good to settle for this nonsense.

 

Believe it.

[BenThereDunThat]

I know what you are going through, and I can deifinately relate to wanting a decent, healthy relationship, and the part where you mentioned that you want someone that doesn't think a great day means sitting in a bar the whole day.

 

I know the connection that you feel for your MM, everything seems to fit except that one nagging thing... when his time with you is over, he goes home to someone else.

 

How long have you been with MM, and how long has it been since you have been strong, beside a few stumbles along the way...I am really stumbling as well, I did end it but you know how it goes all too well, we went out last night and talked... I will get into it later I am just trying to take this one day at a time.

 

It's hard to say, exactly. The days have been going by so fast lately. The last time we were intimate, I believe, was early June? Lots of stops and starts up to this point, think it was August when I really pulled the reigns in on my emotions. Not that I don't still have my moments (obviously!), but I have more control over them now than they do me.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

First time we were intimate was late February.

 

Does that answer your questions?

[movinon05]

 

I don't want to sound like I'm protesting too much. But I think the reason today upset me so much, not for the feelings I have for him, but the feelings I have for wanting a decent, healthy relationship in my life.

 

Someone to do the things with that he and I did today. Someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, laugh with. Someone who's idea of a great day doesn't always mean sitting in a bar and getting loaded.

 

I ended a brief, bad marriage very recently and he's so much different than the exH.

 

So, there's a lot of emotional things at play here. Stuff that I know will eventually work its way out. I've stumbled a few times, but I'm a good bouncer-backer!

 

BTDT,

 

I'm just checking in to see how people are doing and felt compelled to write to you regarding what you say above. It reminded me of how I was feeling for so long. And I want to give you hope that this is really possible. You know that guy I told you about? Well its a few weeks later and its even better than I could have dreamed. We're so insync with each other, its scary! Every minute we have together is wonderful and we're having all sorts of adventures, going out and doing the things we both love to do. No one has ever gone out of their way to try to make me happy like he has, and he is getting just as much out of it as I am. I haven't been this happy in years! Everything other aspect of my life is also coming full circle and I have to believe its because I finally let go of EVERYTHING and opened myself up to new possibilities. So I'm just here to say keep trying and don't give up. Try to let go of him in your heart and believe there is someone out there who will love you completely the way you want. I didn't think it would ever happen for me, but its happening now and it took a long time to get here. But it was well worth the wait!

 

((Many Hugs))

[GreenEyedLady]

BTDT,

 

I'm just checking in to see how people are doing and felt compelled to write to you regarding what you say above. It reminded me of how I was feeling for so long. And I want to give you hope that this is really possible. You know that guy I told you about? Well its a few weeks later and its even better than I could have dreamed. We're so insync with each other, its scary! Every minute we have together is wonderful and we're having all sorts of adventures, going out and doing the things we both love to do. No one has ever gone out of their way to try to make me happy like he has, and he is getting just as much out of it as I am. I haven't been this happy in years! Everything other aspect of my life is also coming full circle and I have to believe its because I finally let go of EVERYTHING and opened myself up to new possibilities. So I'm just here to say keep trying and don't give up. Try to let go of him in your heart and believe there is someone out there who will love you completely the way you want. I didn't think it would ever happen for me, but its happening now and it took a long time to get here. But it was well worth the wait!

 

((Many Hugs))

 

 

Glad to hear that you are doing so well! You deserve MUCH happiness!!!