trza3 Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 Well, this is going to be tough to write about. I've been dating the same girl since my freshman year of high school. We're both 20 years old now, so its been five years since we started dating. We've been through many rocky patches, broken up for a few days or so and then have always gotten back together. There have been issues where she has broken my heart before and lied to me and done things behind my back(never full out cheating, but deceitful and dishonest nonetheless). Time and Time again I've forgiven her for them, and for the past year and a half or so, its been a nonissue. She's been entirely faithful, and she seems to be more in love with me now more than ever. I know, you're probably all saying... "whats the problem, sounds like things are going great?" Well, thats the thing, I don't know what the problem is. Sorry, this post is going to be kinda choppy, I'm just letting my thoughts pour out. We're both college sophomores now and neither of us have a whole lot of friends. We've both got about 5-10 that we hang out with most of the time, and its usually together. Lately, I've just been feeling kinda... hmm... not so excited whenever we're together? I still love her, and care about her, but the more I think about myself and the more I think about my future I'm not sure if I can truly honestly see myself staying with her and raising a family. Also, about a year ago or so I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and have been taking antidepressants and therapy(with my girlfriend most of the time) to help me get over it. I feel a whole lot better about myself, and everything around me, its just this one aspect of my life, that now I feel kind of... worried(?) about it. I know I care for her, and I don't want to hurt her, but I'm not sure if I'm just staying with her because I don't want to hurt, or if there really is a reason that we should stay together. You know how highschool sweethearts are, we've talked about our entire life plan, where we'd get married, what we'd name our kids, where we'd honeymoon, what kind of house we'd live. She's got every detailed planned, down to children's pillowcase covers and what color towels we'd have in the bathroom. Again, really sorry for the rambling, I'm just having a hard time writing this. For the first few years of our relationship when I was depressed we were codependant, and our entire lives were each other, all we ever did was spend time together, and most of the time it was a good time. But now, she keeps saying she feels like I'm distancing myself and that we need to spend more time together, but I feel like we might be spending too much time together. I've been doing some research about relationships and that kind of things, and most of the things I read say that you should just be brutally honest about yourself and about the person you're in a relationship with. So here it goes: It still hurts me when I think about the times she went behind my back, lied, cheated, and all that fun stuff. A lot of the time she is selfish and focuses on just her own needs(i guess we all do though), but then there are the times when I feel incredibly close to her. We have romantic dinners, and very intimate nights together, and everything goes great. Most of those moments dont last for more than a few days though and then I'm back to wondering if this is what I really want. I'm just so confused... any advice or just being to discuss this would really help I think. Thanks in advanced, A confused young man.
phyrespryte Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I'm kind of confused by this... We have romantic dinners, and very intimate nights together, and everything goes great. Most of those moments dont last for more than a few days though and then I'm back to wondering if this is what I really want. Do you mean the romantic feeling goes away? Because that stuff comes and goes. Just because you don't feel butterflies everday doesn't mean things are bad. But if you're feeling like you really want to get away from her when the warm fuzzies fade...that's totally different. I can't really relate to the high-school sweetheart thing as I never had one. But I think that if I was in a similiar situation, I'd always wonder what's out there. I would also want to make my own friends and do things alone. Basically have a life outside of the relationship. But that's just me. The one long-term relationship I've ever had...well it was a bit suffocating and I'm afraid to repeat that. I don't know if you should break-up with your girlfriend. I think that spending less time with her is probably a good idea though. Just so you can get your thoughts sorted out. Like see if you're happier with or without her. But that's just my opinion. I haven't been in a situation like that. And I only know one couple that's been together since high school. They're married, but I'm not sure how happy they are together.
Loserdude Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Yeah, I kind of agree that maybe taking a little step back to look at the situation. My first impression was, "No wonder you're depressed" when I read some of the things she did. Don't get hung up on the fairytale of "highschool sweethearts" THat can be cute, but cute doesn't dig you out of the crap. Learn who you are and what you like, want and need and maybe make a decision based on that. The need part is the most important, the want part is good too. You're still very young and keep in mind how much you both have changed from 15 to 20 years old and where you'll be at 25.
Walk Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I think I can kind of relate to how you're feeling. I was in a place similiar to yours when I was younger, and looking back on it now.. I can't believe how little I really knew myself back then. I placed a lot of the blame for my unsatisfied feelings on the fact that I was depressed. Looking back now... I think I was depressed because I wanted more out of life then my partner was able to provide. He was somewhat selfish as we were younger, and it got worse the longer we were together. He wasn't as supportive of my goals and dreams as I was of his, and it caused me to feel unhappy, and dissatisfied with life in general. I'd only ever had sex with him, and it was routine and "old married" sex by the time I was 22. A time when i should've been living life to the fullest, and I was in all essence married and playing the old maid role. Something I hadn't wanted for my life. I think I also transposed a lot of my unhappy feelings onto myself, because I didn't want to believe I was unhappy with him. There wasn't anything blatantly wrong with the relationship. I really did care for him. He was a good person overall... just some aspects weren't quite what I wanted. But I felt you accepted a person for who they were: both good and bad. I did learn that just because things aren't "bad", doesn't mean things are good. They were ok... but the great never lasted very long. Couple days at most... then back to blah.. Seemed like I should've been thrilled, and I never was. Everyone said we were perfect together.. I felt, uhm.. retarded for not feeling the same way. Like I was missing some integral piece to make me happy inside. I thought I was broken... Didn't realize he just wasn't the right person for me... no matter that he was a decent person, and I loved him, he just wasn't really right for me. And instead of accepting that, I hung in there trying to find that happiness, and it would've been more humane to both of us if I had cut the relationship off earlier.
Author trza3 Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 Thanks for the reply Walk, that is kind of how I feel. All our friends say we're the perfect couple, highschool sweethearts, destined to be married and all that. I really do care about her, and don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want to hurt myself. I guess I'm just having a hard time figuring out what I would regret more... Staying in a relationship I'm not completely satisfied with, or leaving a girl that I really do care for and don't want to hurt.
Walk Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Well... I know I stayed in my relationship too long.. but I dont' regret it. I learned from it, and am a better person for it. Actually, the only things I regret in life are the things I didn't do because I was scared. But if you're putting your full effort into life, and you aren't holding yourself back because your afraid, then no matter what decision you come to, I think you'll find satisfaction in the path you end up choosing. Try not to let other people influence how you feel about the relationship. I know that's hard.. but just because it seems great to outsiders doesn't mean it's perfect to you. They don't have to walk in your shoes, you do.. so their free to romantize your relationship as much as they want. Plus, the second you break up, everyone who was touting "You two are perfect together" will be the first ones saying "i never knew what you saw in her". Don't put too much weight on what they say... no matter how well-intentioned they are. Good luck. It's a tough situation to be in. And either decision you choose will leave you with "what ifs". But there is the potential for you to have an loving relationship with someone who is going to treat you with respect and compassion. If you have that now, then work on your relationship. If you don't feel you do, then take steps to free yourself so you can have that kind of relationship.
Author trza3 Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 Thanks again for the reply Walk, I've posted this on several forums and this is the first response I've gotten from someone who can relate to it. I really don't think I'm ready to just up and end the relationship... well, I doubt I'll ever be "ready" for that. I think I'm gonna talk to her about the way she treats me and acts sometimes, and let her know what I'm expecting out of the relationship with her, and hope that she doesn't freak out and lose her mind. Thanks again for the advice, I appreciate it.
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