Tangerina Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 Woah, I realized that after being someone's girlfriend since I was 16 (was with one guy for 3 years and one for a bit over a year) I really don't know how to just date someone and it kind fo scares me. I just broke up with my second serious boyfriend two weeks ago, but as I mentioned in another thread, I am pretty much over it since I had been getting over it for a while while we were still together. I have been totally happy having my own time and space and not being accountable to anyone or have anyone depend on me in the way that happens in a relationship, and I told myself I wanted to stay this way for at least a month or two, which still holds true. Basically, I thought that things along the lines of flirting and dating would be awesome, but I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend and be accountable in that way. I also thought about the sort of person I want to meet (not like the person that I want to be the love of my life, but the sort of person I would want to be romantically involved with at this point) and I wanted to meet someone who is just low key and simple and really kind and down to earth and doesn't care so much about their appearence (I am very willing to sacrifice some attractiveness in orded to avoid narcissists like my exes, sheesh!!!) and is just kind of happy doing what they are doing in life. Basically, it kind of sounds like I am describing a slacker, but I think I am more just looking for someone without complications and hang ups, someone refreshingly simple and kind to cleanse my palate, and I really don't care if it goes somewhere serious... I actually don't really even want it to go somewhere serious unless it really should.... thats been my problem in the past, I'll meet someone or fool around with someone and then automatically we are in a relationship and suddenly the stakes are so much higher.... I just want to DATE!!! someone for a change and get to know them slowly, hang out a few times a week and have fun, maybe get a little sexual, but keep my own life as mine and not be obligated to include them in every part of it. So anyways, this is what I have been thinking about, and thinking I might want in a month or two... but I ended up meeting someone who fits this description this week... he is much less attractive than the guys I have been with, but is cute in a pudgy way and isn't checking himself out in the mirror every 5 seconds, which is refreshing.... he is a little bit of a slacker, but his whole philosophy in life is to be content and happy and not stress about everything not being perfect, because you could die at any time so you should make the most of it... and he does have goals, he really wants to teach English in China and then settle down in Seattle... he likes to read and is really interested in history.... plus he is just super loy key and nice and is a feminist in a way that many men my age don't understand. We kind of flirted for a week and 2 nights ago he brought me a pineapple and a bottle of wine (because I am on a raw foods diet) and we hung out and ended up "hooking up." We didn't have sex but we fooled around a lot and it was just fun and now he wants to take me out on a real date tonight at a restaurant, etc.... I was nervous that it would be like the past where I'd fool around with a guy and all of a sudden I'd be his girlfriend, but I went out for a drink with him and one of his friends last night (haha, and did that thing where my room mate called after an hour and told me to come home) and it was totally chill, he didn't act proprietory at all beyond giving me a hug when I arrived and left, so now I feel a lot better about what his expectations are, but now we are going on a real date tonight and he knows I want to keep things real slow but I do think he is hoping that eventually it will turn into something.... I'm open to that, but not in the immediate future. I don't want to just keep jumping into things the second one ends!!!! So I guess I am writing because I want advice on how to enjoy dating someone but not let it take off and get all complicated and relationshippy and just keep it fun and casual. I just don't have any experience in this. How do you be appreciative and not committal? How do you deepen friendship and attraction without automatically deepening committment (unless it is the right time for committment)? And how do you let someone down easy if you realize it isn't something you want to do anymore (I've only had "relationship" break ups, not the kind where you say "youre nice but I don't think I want to keep dating you") How do you keep your own time and space? Teach me.
norajane Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 Well, first of all, you don't see someone as often as you're seeing this guy already. You take your time and space and don't accept dates for the next night and two nights after that and then again the next night.... Plan other things to do with your time, like hanging out with your friends, or taking up hobby or sports or whatever. Then, you really are busy and don't have as much time to spend with one guy. Also, you put a halt to the "fooling around" stuff. Yes, you are capable of not allowing things to get out of control and wind up in bed. Be affectionate - kiss, hold hands, touch, but if you start getting wound up, take a deep breath and tell him you'll need to stop before you get out of control. If he pushes, tell him you want to take it slower than that and really get to know each other. You've only known him a week! Anyway, it sounds like he's not pushing so you probably don't have to worry about it. He'll respect your wishes. As for letting someone down, "I don't think we'd be a good match" or "I don't think we're right for each other" usually works fine without hurting anyone's feelings.
Author Tangerina Posted October 1, 2006 Author Posted October 1, 2006 Thanks, I guess it is really obvious but that is really good advice to just make sure I don't spend too much time with him or get too heavy. We had been hanging out and flirting a lot this past week because he is really good friends with a guy I was living with so he was always over seeing his friend, but that guy just moved out (though just to the appartment downstairs) so that will be different I hope. I think I just need to make it really clear that I want to take things slow and keep to myself more often than not.
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