Guest Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 I have a problem. I don't know what it is. But I am constantly starting fights with my boyfriend, bad ones. We don't see each other much, and when we do we fight--so it ruins our time together. I don;t know why I do this, I get upset over little things. Am I just unknowingly unhappy in the relationship? I love him, I don't want him to break up with me. I go into full fledged apology mode after and then get paranoid as hell for a couple of days that he's going to dump me. (he has broken up with me before) Why do I this? am I abusive? i don't hit him or call him names. just get mad and upset. Like last night, he forgave me and blah blah. I am just worried that I am going to push him over the edge...? Someone help me before I ruin my relationship.
norajane Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 It is possible that you're unhappy about some bigger issues in your relationship that you are ready/able/willing to deal with, so you start fights about the little things. Why don't you see each other very much? Are you upset about that? How does he treat you when you do see each other? Does he look forward to seeing you, happy to be with you? Is he affectionate?
Guest Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 It is possible that you're unhappy about some bigger issues in your relationship that you are ready/able/willing to deal with, so you start fights about the little things. Why don't you see each other very much? Are you upset about that? How does he treat you when you do see each other? Does he look forward to seeing you, happy to be with you? Is he affectionate? He works 40-50 hours a week. I go to school, but don't currently have a job. Going through some issues with school and such. Deep down, I feel like I am not his priority. It's a bad gut feeling that won't go away. It surfaces over something little. like just now. I wanted to come see him for a few minutes. He said he had too much homework and I could not come over, not even for a few minutes. He can't take five minutes out of his day? I think he knew I got a little upset, so he just said I'll call you when I get home from work--but didn't say nothing about coming over. So, I'm upset about that. I barely get to see him, and it's not his fault. He is affectionate, sometimes. Last night he wasn't, and it got me all upset because I assumed he was not happy to see me. and it started a fight. you can see the pattern. He prob isn't happy to see me anymore because I always start fights =/
johan Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 He works 40-50 hours a week. I go to school, but don't currently have a job. Going through some issues with school and such. Deep down, I feel like I am not his priority. It's a bad gut feeling that won't go away. It surfaces over something little. like just now. I wanted to come see him for a few minutes. He said he had too much homework and I could not come over, not even for a few minutes. He can't take five minutes out of his day? I think he knew I got a little upset, so he just said I'll call you when I get home from work--but didn't say nothing about coming over. So, I'm upset about that. I barely get to see him, and it's not his fault. He is affectionate, sometimes. Last night he wasn't, and it got me all upset because I assumed he was not happy to see me. and it started a fight. you can see the pattern. He prob isn't happy to see me anymore because I always start fights =/ You do what my ex did. You don't love him for who he is. You want something else. When he doesn't fit your expectations precisely, you analyze it and assume the worst. That upsets you so you have fights. I'm not saying what you want is unreasonable, or that he's a prince. I'm just saying that he isn't meeting your expectations. It's your call to determine whether your expectations are out of whack. I will say that a night when he isn't affectionate or a day when he want to get together aren't really big deals. He does have other things going on in his life. She'd get annoyed if I didn't dress up for her. Or if I was distracted or if I didn't say something the way she thought I should. She would come to my office when I was a contractor and I wanted her there, but I felt nervous having people there and she picked up on it, but misinterpreted it to be that I had other women I didn't want to see her. She asked very loaded questions to which there was no right answer. I could lie or I could be honest, and either answer could mean trouble. In the end it was all about control, and it had me on eggshells. This is why she is my ex.
Guest Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 You do what my ex did. You don't love him for who he is. You want something else. When he doesn't fit your expectations precisely, you analyze it and assume the worst. That upsets you so you have fights. I'm not saying what you want is unreasonable, or that he's a prince. I'm just saying that he isn't meeting your expectations. It's your call to determine whether your expectations are out of whack. I will say that a night when he isn't affectionate or a day when he want to get together aren't really big deals. He does have other things going on in his life. She'd get annoyed if I didn't dress up for her. Or if I was distracted or if I didn't say something the way she thought I should. She would come to my office when I was a contractor and I wanted her there, but I felt nervous having people there and she picked up on it, but misinterpreted it to be that I had other women I didn't want to see her. She asked very loaded questions to which there was no right answer. I could lie or I could be honest, and either answer could mean trouble. In the end it was all about control, and it had me on eggshells. This is why she is my ex. guess i better stop before I lose him =/
It's_Me_Again Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I just wanted to say that alot of what was desrcibed sounded alot like what I used to do. Such as starting the fights and answers not being good enough etc. Was wondering is it maybe possible you have some intimacy issues? I recall I used to start fights because I wasn't sure how much the guy liked me or I ust basically tried pushing him away without really realizing what I was doing. I loved the guy and I put him through hell each day cause no matter what he said or did was never good enough, there always seemed to be an unanswered question. That may not be the case with you but as I said before it seemed to really hit home with me so wouldn't hurt to google "intimacy issues"
Walk Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I think you need to figure out what battles are most important to you. Drop the rest. If you need more time from him in order to feel loved, then discuss that with him... but pose some comprimises, or solutions, don't just throw the problem at him and tell him to fix it. If you need little displays of affection throughout the week in order to feel like you are important to him, then put some thought into how he could do this for you (consider his time constraints and energy levels into the equation). If he's working 40-50 hours a week and taking classes, he won't have much time to spend with you. Not if he wants to do well in either of those things. If this is something that is going to last forever, then figure out if it's something you can tolerate in your life... if this is temporary, then start looking at the bigger picture. There are things you can do in order to help the situation. We don't always need more time together in a relationship to feel happy, but make the time you do have together quality time. Discuss how you are feeling with him, and then give him ideas on how he can help you feel more secure in the relationship. Ask him what you can do to make him feel more secure and happier in the relationship. Maybe he needs to have the freedom to be able to tell you he can't spend time with you and not be made to feel like he was an ass for asking for that time for himself. It has to be a give and take. Next time the two of you interact, really take a step back and try to analyze what specificially made you feel upset and what emotions you were feeling at the time. If it's his wording, his actions, what caused the emotional disconnect to happen? Potentially, if you can identify the triggers, you can discuss this with him and find different ways to approach this.. For instance, when he told you that he couldnt' spend time with you that evening... You probably felt he pushed you away, and it made you feel insecure in the relationship. Try to figure out what would have helped to make you feel more secure. It may have made you feel more secure if he had followed up by suggesting a different day to get together. Something small, but that shows a desire to still see you. Try to think through your feelings, instead of just feeling them. And don't expect him to just "do" something to make you feel better... explain what you need from him. Try to help him resolve the problems, don't keep throwing it at him that there's a problem and not offer any solutions. Really take a good look at what you need in order to be happy in this relationship... Time together, more displays of affection, more words of desire to spend time with you if he can't... Where can you comprimise, and what aspects are set in stone, then explain to him what you need while giving him suggestions on how he could better meet those needs. And offer to do the same for him. Relationships are comprimises and two people giving. So don't ask him to give more, if you aren't giving him what he needs in return.
Walk Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 That may not be the case with you but as I said before it seemed to really hit home with me so wouldn't hurt to google "intimacy issues" It would probably be a good idea to research this anyway, but I don't really think this is the posters problem. (I could very well be wrong though) I would've felt the same hurt and anger she did if I had really needed to see my bf and he had specifically said he didn't have the time for me. I dont' think it's abnormal to feel that way. I think it's VERY normal to feel hurt and upset when you feel let down by your SO. But I do think they both need better tools to communicate and comprimise. They're just driving each other further apart the way things are going right now. I think it's going to take hard work on both their parts to rebuild trust into the relationship again. To me, it seems as if both people are feeling the other isn't attempting to fulfill their needs, so both are focused on themselves more then the partner. Which can cause them to feel "singular" and less driven to give to the partner.
Guest Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 It would probably be a good idea to research this anyway, but I don't really think this is the posters problem. (I could very well be wrong though) I would've felt the same hurt and anger she did if I had really needed to see my bf and he had specifically said he didn't have the time for me. I dont' think it's abnormal to feel that way. I think it's VERY normal to feel hurt and upset when you feel let down by your SO. But I do think they both need better tools to communicate and comprimise. They're just driving each other further apart the way things are going right now. I think it's going to take hard work on both their parts to rebuild trust into the relationship again. To me, it seems as if both people are feeling the other isn't attempting to fulfill their needs, so both are focused on themselves more then the partner. Which can cause them to feel "singular" and less driven to give to the partner. tallking to him about it..easier said than done. anything I want to talk about--he says is a complaint about him and I need to get over it. I did tell that his tone of voice and choice of wording could be hurtful...he said, too bad. it's not going to change. I am so afraid of pushing him away and complaining about my needs. I do need more though, but im afraid if I ask, ill lose him. he says hes busy and does the best he can...im lost.
Guest Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 It would probably be a good idea to research this anyway, but I don't really think this is the posters problem. (I could very well be wrong though) I would've felt the same hurt and anger she did if I had really needed to see my bf and he had specifically said he didn't have the time for me. I dont' think it's abnormal to feel that way. I think it's VERY normal to feel hurt and upset when you feel let down by your SO. But I do think they both need better tools to communicate and comprimise. They're just driving each other further apart the way things are going right now. I think it's going to take hard work on both their parts to rebuild trust into the relationship again. To me, it seems as if both people are feeling the other isn't attempting to fulfill their needs, so both are focused on themselves more then the partner. Which can cause them to feel "singular" and less driven to give to the partner. maybe I am approaching it the wrong way when I speak? i feel like he's gotten so tired of the fights, my needs will never be met because I can't talk about them.
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