Consequences considered BEFORE affair?

[luvstarved]

I have a question for people who found themselves involved in an affair. Before things got physical, what was your mindset? I am wondering how many people just went with their urges without thinking about the consequences (beyond perhaps a "I probably shouldn't do this") and how many really realized what they were getting into and did it anyway.

 

Also, whether you went along with the progress enthusiastically, knowing where it could lead you, or whether you felt blindsided by what you thought was an okay, innocently flirtatious relationship suddenly going too far?

 

I am asking because I think my husband is in a vulnerable situation with a woman at his work and he insists that he is not. I have told him that I am trying to advise him as a "best friend" that he needs to be very careful in this situation but he kind of poohpoohs me and acts like he is immune to an affair. So I am wondering if he could really be that self-aware and invincible or if he is just naive (he has never been in any affair before). Also, since I have made the consequences so very crystal clear to him, whether I can honestly expect that to be any sort of a deterrent or if these things usually become overwhelming regardless of knowledge of the consequences?

 

I have to admit that I am not there in the work situation and do not know precisely how they interact, but there have been a number of red flags that concern me and I am trying to proactively work to avoid things from going in the wrong direction...of course I wonder whether talking about this at all with him is a wise idea, but I am being very straightforward and rational about it, not accusing him or getting angry or judgmental, etc...and I only talk about it when another red flag comes along...he just continues to assure me that there is nothing to worry about and that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone else, etc...but the red flags continue

[GuestOW]

Before things got physical, my MM's mindset was that it would not happen. There was no way - that was way too big a line to cross. At the same time he was unable to walk away from me.

 

We discussed the consequences, bottom line being that this is not a stable relationship but we just can't help ourselves. We know that we will both be hurt and so will W if she finds out. We tried NC but it was not successful. We talked about our feelings but agreed that they couldn't be acted on. That lasted a few weeks.

 

We were not blindsided by this, but our situation is a little different (aren't they all?), as we had a prior relationship. In any event, IMO, if there is an EA, the shift to PA is not going to be a surprise to either party.

 

Sounds to me like you have great communication with your husband, so you are probably worrying needlessly. He loves you and talks to you about this woman so it doesn't sound like he is hiding anything.

[stoopid_guy]

I have a question for people who found themselves involved in an affair. Before things got physical, what was your mindset? I am wondering how many people just went with their urges without thinking about the consequences (beyond perhaps a "I probably shouldn't do this") and how many really realized what they were getting into and did it anyway.

 

Also, whether you went along with the progress enthusiastically, knowing where it could lead you, or whether you felt blindsided by what you thought was an okay, innocently flirtatious relationship suddenly going too far?

I developed a "crush" on a co-worker, asked her out, she said "no," and I didn't pursue further. It never got physical, but easily could have from my perspective.

 

I thought about the potential consequences, but went for it anyway. My situation is somewhat different from yours though, we're not working on our marriage, you are.

 

Your husband knows you love him, so I seriously doubt he would stray. He is going to have female friends, that's inevitable (assuming he's a friendly person,) but I don't think you should be worried.

[luvstarved]

Well as I told my husband I do have faith in him but also don't believe him to be superhuman. I am honestly not as worried about him having a fun fling in the sack as I am about him emotionally bonding with this woman and then not knowing what to do with it. And then doing the wrong thing! Or worse, the RIGHT thing if it turns out she is a better mate for him!!

 

He and I had terrible communication up until about 6 weeks ago. 10 years worth of it. Something inside me just knew things had to change so I started pushing for that and it has worked pretty well. One week into things, though, this woman came along (new at work). In retrospect, it almost seems like some sort of miracle that I started this all up when I did, like "just in the nick of time"???

 

He is a very sensitive, loyal, moral man but he is in an emotionally charged situation otherwise at work (power struggles, etc) and the two of them are caught in the middle of it. They have a lot in common professionally and she is close by, forward and available. The work dynamic is a lot about forming alliances, taking sides, intrigue, manipulation and second guessing others. He talks about his work situation a LOT so it is on his mind constantly. At some point, I cannot be as understanding as someone who is in this with him and it worries me.

 

On the other hand, I have also assured him from my side that while I refuse to ignore and not ask about red flag information, I am also not one to jump to conclusions. I have told him that a red flag is a red flag - a warning not an accusation - and that he should not try to "protect" me from things that I might initially take the wrong way. Because I will catch on to him doing that,and that is a red flag itself...so hopefully I do have nothing to worry about,but I just feel like I would be a fool to just let it go and "trust" 100%. As humans are humans, I do not believe in the concept of 100% trust.

[outofdarkness]

Well as I told my husband I do have faith in him but also don't believe him to be superhuman. I am honestly not as worried about him having a fun fling in the sack as I am about him emotionally bonding with this woman and then not knowing what to do with it. And then doing the wrong thing! Or worse, the RIGHT thing if it turns out she is a better mate for him!!

 

He and I had terrible communication up until about 6 weeks ago. 10 years worth of it. Something inside me just knew things had to change so I started pushing for that and it has worked pretty well. One week into things, though, this woman came along (new at work). In retrospect, it almost seems like some sort of miracle that I started this all up when I did, like "just in the nick of time"???

 

He is a very sensitive, loyal, moral man but he is in an emotionally charged situation otherwise at work (power struggles, etc) and the two of them are caught in the middle of it. They have a lot in common professionally and she is close by, forward and available. The work dynamic is a lot about forming alliances, taking sides, intrigue, manipulation and second guessing others. He talks about his work situation a LOT so it is on his mind constantly. At some point, I cannot be as understanding as someone who is in this with him and it worries me.

 

On the other hand, I have also assured him from my side that while I refuse to ignore and not ask about red flag information, I am also not one to jump to conclusions. I have told him that a red flag is a red flag - a warning not an accusation - and that he should not try to "protect" me from things that I might initially take the wrong way. Because I will catch on to him doing that,and that is a red flag itself...so hopefully I do have nothing to worry about,but I just feel like I would be a fool to just let it go and "trust" 100%. As humans are humans, I do not believe in the concept of 100% trust.

I always say go with your gut feeling....99 percent of the time, if you suspect something is about to happen or already has, our intuition is correct. My H A's with one main OW for over 10 years w/ others inbetween..I was the MOST devastated by the intimate, personal things that he shared with these OW's about myself and my family. The physical part, oddly enough didn't eat away at me as much. I hate to say it but if he makes up his mind that he is going to cheat, there is nothing that you can do about it. You can keep the lines of communications open; and it seems that you are, keep your eyes and ears open; and it seems that you are, and don't push him regarding the red flags that you are seeing...Keep a log of the things that you notice and make yourself seen and heard at his office. My H is very involved in his career as well, and he is a Sr. VP at a very large Co. that has many up and coming females. It's hard to stay focused on just work stuff when there are so many opportunities to socialize under the work guise...ie., conferences, lunch and dinner meetings. Depending on the career, spouses spend sometimes more time at the office then at home...This can be a problem if one Spouse can't or does not want to resist temptation...I have found Women in my H's career to be more aggressive, straightforward and sometimes unrelenting...These are all great qualities for career advancement, but can sometimes leak out into other areas...ie., pushing for relationships where there ordinarily might not be one...I'm not blaming the women....men are historicially pushy and very aggresive in the work place, but things have changed and women are just as much if not more so now days...Things have difinately shifted. That is why I think it is so very important for the W to be seen and heard..Attend any functions that you can with him regarding work, show up unexpectedly and take him to lunch...etc..Chances are, he might just appreciate these things. Remember that most physical affairs begin as emotional affairs, so even if he is overly friendly, and spending alot of time with this W during busines hours, it still might not be appropriate...Is there anyone in his office that you trust enough to ask just some general questions, so that you can get a feel for what is going on..or what the latest water cooler gossip is? My advice is not to let him know that you are suspicious or anxious about this...lay low...watch, listen and if he really IS doing something that even borders on crossing the line, you'll find out about it....There are some threads on here that address the signs of cheating too. Just click on search forums and use keywords signs, cheating...I found the threads that I looked at regarding this to be very helpful...Lastly, try not to look at your H as so vulnerable. He is not as unaware as you might thing...my guess is..Also...NO man is just automatically immune to an A...Laying down the consequences is good, but know that if he wants to do it..he will..At least he knows where you stand...Then all you have to do should it happen and you find out is follow through with the consequences...That is the hard part should it happen..

 

Does he travel very much? Also, I read in one of the threads about signs of cheating that even if he just casually mentions a female coworker's name..it can mean something is going on...In looking back, in mysituation, this made alot of sense to me...

 

Good luck...He seems like a good guy..just keep your eyes and ears open and MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN AND SEEN!!

[Mz. Pixie]

No one is immune to an affair- no one.

 

I am a moral and religious person. I've attended church all my life- taught Sunday School the whole nine yards. I truly thought I would never have an affair.

 

If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

 

Willard Harley who wrote His Needs/Her Needs one of the most popular marriage books printed- and founder of marriagebuilders.com- states that even the most moral and ethical man will be vulnerable to an affair if their most deep emotional needs are not being met.

 

For your husband to think it won't happen to him is just crazy. To me, it sounds almost as if he's tempting fate.

 

I did have concerns before I entered into an affair. The problem is by the time you get to that point- unless it's a ONS- you're so far into the addiction of the affair that it's too late. You'll do anything to keep getting what you are getting from the OP. It's almost like drug addiction.

 

I never thought I'd get caught either. Most cheaters don't think they will- but they usually do.

 

Your husband needs to take the stand that he will not be emailing and phoning this woman- putting her in a place to meet his emotional needs instead of you. He shouldn't be discussing your marriage with her either.

If he has to talk to her about work, fine, but it needs to be kept at that.