michelangelo Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I just think that the context of the poster was not about describing the worst thing a person could ever do to a person in any imaginable circumstance. I believe they were referring to the worst thing someone could do in a marriage to their spouse. I don't think they were comparing infidelity to, say, genocide or nuclear war and finding both of those things paling in comparison to marital betrayal.
Guest Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 I don't believe in hanging on in quiet misery. I don't believe in any reason for staying in a marriage other than mutual love and all that that means. That isn't to say that there are no difficulties, but that both parties are willing and motivated to be together and fulfill each other's needs to the best of their ability. My sister in law had an affair and probably would have left her H if the guy had not dumped her when she got too emotionally attached (he was also married). She and her H still live together for practical (financial) reasons but they barely speak. That is like hell on earth to me. My H and I have our share of problems and each of us has our fears for the future, but we do love each other and want to work things out. If I didn't believe in that, I'd be gone. THere has not been an affair in our marriage, but there is a zero tolerance policy in place and were one to happen, that would be it for us. I am not big enough to move on together after such a flagrant act of betrayal and disrespect...we have discussed this at some length and agree on this point. Since we have made it so clear, it really would be unforgiveable. I suppose in some situations where it isn't talked about so thoroughly, there can be some wiggle room for rationalizations and the like. But not in our case. I thought we had a relationship like this only to find out that everything he had said in agreement with me was lies. He has been having affairs for years. Some people want their cake and eat it and will lie to anyone and everyone until they are exposed.
Guest Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I appreciate your comments as I too always thought if there was ever an affair that would be it, I couldn't live with the lack of trust. However it did happen and very recently. If I look back objectively I can see why, I was very ill, we have three young children we have an incredibly close relationship and I just couldn't be there for him when he needed me most, his mother had the same illness as me and he always blamed himself for her illness and was then seeing me in the same amount of pain, instead of supporting me, he couldn't take the pain and sought attention in the arms of someone who had been chasing him for a long time. WHilst I don't think any of the above is an excuse for his actions - he could have found the strength to say no, and of course in reality I am hurting more than I believed possible, I do think there are circumstances that arise where anyone is tested and surely people deserve a second chance, I do not doubt his love for me, and am hoping that given time we can learn from the experience and come out a little older, a little wiser, more forgiving and understanding that things aren't black or white there are grey areas and more importantly live a happy, loving life together for ourselves and our children. So when you're sick and need someone there for you, he's out bonking someone else because no one's taking care of him. Well sure...that's certainly understandable. I'm sure if he were sick, you would have done the same to him, right? Next time you're sick, maybe you should just call him a hooker?
Guest Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 OK, given that the betrayed spouse takes equal blame for what went wrong in the marriage in the first place, I think that the possibility of "restoration" is actually quite good. Most of the time, though, I believe (based mostly on what I've read here) the betrayed spouse takes the point of view that no matter what, their partner should not have strayed. In a perfect world, that would be perfectly true, but this world ain't perfect. People being what people are, they make lousy decisions based on how lousy they are feeling. So, if BOTH partners take responsibility for the problems in the marriage, if BOTH partners work hard at restoring the marriage, if BOTH partners deeply love one another and BOTH partners resolve to change their actions (and reactions) then I think the odds of the marriage not only surviving, but oftentimes improving upon what it was before is really quite good. If either partner, however, decides to place all blame for the issues onto the other, then in my opinion, the marriage is doomed. Well BOTH partners weren't out screwing around. Affairs don't mean that there is something being neglected in a marriage. They mean there's something being neglected in that PERSON. And a BS cannot fix their WS. I was one who tried. They have issues within themselves. If they don't want to deal with them, you can't do much about it. I tried to get him help but it didn't work. I got MYSELF help for my own issues. But you only have control over your own behavior---not others. You can do everything possible to work on things and improve but if THEY don't--or if they make half-hearted attempts at it---then there's nothing you can do. Affairs do not (necessarily) mean that BOTH people were the problem. As for my opinion on this, no I don't think a marriage will ever be the same again and after going through it and trying to make it work, I've come to the conclusion that it's probably best just to end it right away when it happens. You just end up beating a dead horse.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 So is that why you're here? I guess it must be gratifying to come to a board like this one where people admit to "immorality" and be able to berate them, using your own high and mighty morality as a weapon .. You want your wife back? As long as you keep up with this "you made me cheat" stuff I think you can forget it. You choose to cheat. You could have choosen something different, but you didn't. And now you talk about wanting her to face up to what she did wrong in your marriage. It is a little late for that don't you think? So if you "coerce" her into believing she's to blame for your bad behavior then what? I still think your best option is to leave. Seperate and see if she wants you back. Your being there is forcing her to accept you isn't it? I doubt anyone would be applauded for taking back an abusive spouse though. What is more abusive than cheating on a spouse? Killing their dog? So you love your dog more than your wife.... that says it all right there. There's nothing simple about morality, Yes there is. You just don't want to believe it and you want that as an excuse. Silktricks says" I said they had equal responsibility for the problems in the marriage that led up to the betrayal. Baloney. Many times the BS is really abusive, emotionally. But saying there are reasons why cheaters cheat is a way of justifying or rationalizing what they did as OK... sorry, cheating is wrong.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 Murder, dismembering, rape, genocide, torture, cancer, and so forth, can we agree that infidelity is devastating to spouses who encounter their partner has cheated? Murder, dismembering, rape, genocide, torture, cancer, ... yeah, all those would be kinder than my wife cheating.... (with the exception of genocide which isn't something one person does to antoher... ) All those other things are done by people that aren't supposedly in love with me. They aren't done by a person I trust without question.
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