Damage done

[journalstar4]

Hi people,

Some of you may have remember me from my previous posts. Like two of you have asked me I have been abused before. I don't know about physical abuse.

 

But I do know what is like being mentally, emotionally and verbally abuse. Used to think this wans't abuse b/c there was no hitting but then it was like I was shattered inside, it went not only throughout my body but within my soul.

 

If there is one man who did this is my father. Now he's in counseling himself. I had forgiven him but it still hurts. At times it feels like if I had really being hit. Those times he whenever he would come drunk or just be angry saying how he wished I was dead, never been born, and how he would strangle me if I wans't his daughter. If it wasn't that, then it would be getting locked there for hours in the dark room, one time I came back, only to see two large roaches on me. I screamed, freak out and yet he was there laughing, saying how I deserve for being too spoil. Funny how he never lay a hand on me nor my mother, did not even spank me.

 

But the dark room was too scary and I was scarving one day and yet I was still locked there. Later on as I grew sometimes it was me staying outside in the cold. I hated how mother didn't do anything, the stupid excuse of being scare that he might hit her one day.

 

I resented how he never asked how my day was at school, how he would criticize me or yell whenever I try showing affection or how he would distance himself from both me and mother. I also resented him for never saying "I love him", until now recently when he finally comes up and admits he was wrong (the first time I ever heard those words). At 15, I was force to smoke almost a whole package of cigars else I was gonna be thown at of the house.

 

As soon as I turn 18 two years ago, I left, that was the last straw. All the love and affection I still had for him was now turn into resentment and hatred. When I left my mother hug me and cried, but he just say "Why don't you sleep around, you're a slut afterall, I'm should guys will find you're an easy girl". Just then that was my first time I ever dare talk back to him and before I left, I say "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU".

 

Sorry this is long and most may find my story boring but I'm venting now. Now he's been trying to make it up to both me and mother. It still hurts though.