Crimson107 Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Hi I am new, I am here because I had an affair for a month on my family went they were moving to Florida so my wife could take a job as a teacher. I stayed behind to get the house in order to rent or sell. Idle time lead to my infidelity. I sent out an email to some people letting them know I was supporting my wife and family so we could make a dual income and better life for our family. My mission was noble but then I fooled myself that I could try a secret. I had an email/chat friend that was a planted seed for destruction. We talked alot after the family packed up an left. She was married too. We made plans and had sex together. Then it snowballed more because she kept asking me if I wanted more. She sure did because she came over to my hous (I was trying to leave) and betrayed every special thing I had with my wife and family. I am not able to keep secrets and lie. I wanted to because I knew this pain I caused them would be imemse. I am sorry and regret. If I just made it with out tempting myself, I would be here with my family having great intimacy with my wife and seeing my kids adjust to a nice new area. I am a fool. I confessed a week ago but the time has been surreal. I keep thinking I am not going to be able to do anything right. I haven't found my job yet and the money is back to be tight close to fiancial ruin. I am going to explode with an overwhelming guilt that I screwed everything up. If any body wants to flame me for being a jerk- flame away. if anybody wants to give me good advice to be sorry and say sorry- thanks. I am wiling to do counselling or anything that will help my wife with the pain I caused her.
bluechocolate Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 ..she came over to my house and betrayed every special thing I had with my wife and family. No she didn't. That was you. I am wiling to do counselling or anything that will help my wife with the pain I caused her. That would be up to your wife right now. You haven't said anything about your wifes reaction and that is pretty much going to dictate how you move forward. btw - I don't hate you, I don't even know you.
RecoverMe Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 You are in for a rocky ride, so hang tight. I commend you for confessing, I think that will score big with your wife as this whole thing plays out. you need to talk alot, talk sincerely to her as much as she can tolerate you right now. If you love her show her and tell her you are there for her and want to "hold her pain" as you feel responsible for it. It's a beginning, but important.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 ..she came over to my house and betrayed every special thing I had with my wife and family. Yes she did...But you let her do that. Don't pass off the blame just on her, you let her into your house, and into your life. Your choice. Own up to that, take responsibility for your actions and be accountable for what you did. Marriage counselling is a must, when your wife is ready, and until then, I suggest you go to individual counsellling to find out why you felt the need to cheat on your wife and family. I understand that you were lonely without your family around, and that now you regret what you did...It's just now your wife is paying for your bad choice. And the OW, you maybe didn't mean to, but you led her on as well. It snowballed on you, so now you have two women that you hurt. Takes two to tango so don't put all the blame on the OW, she just took your lead when you opened the door to her. What you can do now is keep telling your wife how sorry you are, that you regret your choice to cheat on her. DO whatever she wants you to do. Answer anything she asks you, give her access to your email/cell phone so she can see for herself that you are not in contact with the OW anymore. (I certainly hope you ended it with the OW and told her that it was a mistake that you two hooked up) and that it can never happen again. Actions speaks louder than words, but keep saying the words - Show your wife that you deserve a chance to make things right, and that you are worthy of her love and trust. It will take time though.
Jane Doe Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 You've confessed. Now you have to put this behind you and forgive yourself and focus on healing you wife's heart. Like the others said, you have a long road ahead of you but it can be done. Best wishes to you. Stop hating yourself.
JamesM Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 You've confessed. Now you have to put this behind you and forgive yourself and focus on healing you wife's heart. Like the others said, you have a long road ahead of you but it can be done. Best wishes to you. Stop hating yourself. Ditto. Well said JD. Since most of us came here because we were cheated upon, cheated on someone else, or at least thought about it....I doubt anyone here has mto stand on if he or she flamed you. But yes, those that have a spouse who is like you may not be happy with you. Out of curiosity...please don't flame ME for asking...why did you tell your wife?
outofdarkness Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Hi I am new, I am here because I had an affair for a month on my family went they were moving to Florida so my wife could take a job as a teacher. I stayed behind to get the house in order to rent or sell. Idle time lead to my infidelity. I sent out an email to some people letting them know I was supporting my wife and family so we could make a dual income and better life for our family. My mission was noble but then I fooled myself that I could try a secret. I had an email/chat friend that was a planted seed for destruction. We talked alot after the family packed up an left. She was married too. We made plans and had sex together. Then it snowballed more because she kept asking me if I wanted more. She sure did because she came over to my hous (I was trying to leave) and betrayed every special thing I had with my wife and family. I am not able to keep secrets and lie. I wanted to because I knew this pain I caused them would be imemse. I am sorry and regret. If I just made it with out tempting myself, I would be here with my family having great intimacy with my wife and seeing my kids adjust to a nice new area. I am a fool. I confessed a week ago but the time has been surreal. I keep thinking I am not going to be able to do anything right. I haven't found my job yet and the money is back to be tight close to fiancial ruin. I am going to explode with an overwhelming guilt that I screwed everything up. If any body wants to flame me for being a jerk- flame away. if anybody wants to give me good advice to be sorry and say sorry- thanks. I am wiling to do counselling or anything that will help my wife with the pain I caused her. I agree that you should seek Indiv. C as well as MC if your wife is ready to go...She might be really angry right now...If you have not already, you need to totally cut contact with the OW..This does NOT mean saying things like; "lets cool it for awhile", or "I'll call you when the time is right". It means writing her a letter and having your W watch you mail it to her..Or calling her while your W is right on the other phone listening. This would be very reassuring to your W that it really is over and sends a very clear and concise message to the OW that you do NOT want to see or talk to her again..I also agree that it is not fair to put so much blame on the OW..Yes, she came to your house, but you let her in, you "let" her have sex w/ you...Was it not consensual?? You are just as much to blame..When the cat's away the mice will play! You sound very remorseful for your actions and eager to restore trust. It will take much time and effort on both sides, but I would not push your wife right now...She has much to process and needs some time and space to do it in her own way. Answer her questions as clearly and honestly as you can and don't act irritated or angry when she does ask questions. You seem eager to get a good job, that's great! Concentrate on that as well...This shows that you are anxious to contribute and care for your family...You also state that you crave that intimacy with your W again, GREAT!! It will take some time, but don't give up.. I also agree that some Indiv. C for you would be excellent...To find out maybe why you felt the need to cheat... Good luck..
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 What will you do when your wife does to you what you did to her? Will you be understanding? Forgiving? You confessed. How noble of you.
Author Crimson107 Posted October 2, 2006 Author Posted October 2, 2006 Out of curiosity...please don't flame ME for asking...why did you tell your wife? I told her after she merely asked and said I felt different. She was connected enough to think something was different. I am not a billiant liar or good at keeping secrets. I tried to consider this a fling when I had time as a temp bachelor. Then I would forget it and get back to my happy marriage. I played myself for thinking I could let myself get away with it. I feel so angry with myself. So more about us to give you better info, we might be celbrating 10 years in Dec. Her reaction was very hurt and she can't understand why I did it. However, I don't know why either after I am done with affiair. My wife was the only woman I had intercourse with. I think it was a lot of ego. I have been with one other woman when my wife and I did some swinging. She has had 3 men in our swinging experience. Two threesomes and our only couple swap. She has cheated on me and came home the next day and told me about it and we repaired it then. We have been to counseling several times. I think finances work just as much against as anything else. but to make my point. We have had problems and done things to hurt the marriage. She even said I should get laid will I have time and tell her about it. Later, she said she didn't really want me too. I knew that and that is part the reason I went into the lie. But I still don't know a better reason to give her than I just wanted to use this woman. I led the OW on because I have the nice guy personality. I keep trying to be nice to her cause I didn't want to admit to being a total jerk and using her. She doesn't hold a candle to my wife and I never had intentions of keeping her. We started as just sex but she wanted me to feel things for her and leave my wife. I was intentional in telling her that I didn't and that it was just sex. Of course, I spent time with her and not just sex so it doesn't look that way to the OW or my Wife. Trying not to be a jerk is what made me a jerk. the OW came back for more and said she wanted to have as much "fun" with me before I left even though she was a little hurt by it. So yes, it's complex yet too simple to make since. The oxy moron and my lement to why I just couldn't kept control of myself. I might have been ok with a one night stand or something. But, I don't think I am that good looking or suave to get a girl like that. I could have used our swing source to get just a physical ecounter, but the OW was convient and already knew these things about me and my marriage. It was convient and easy to let her come in and help me commit my sin. With my wife's cheating experience. our marriage was at a rough point and almost felt over. It makes more sense for her encounter because we were on the verge of being over. I just did it to see if I could and feed everything to the dogs. My marriage, my family, my reputation- good things in my life. She was in Florida putting me on a high pedistal. ONe I could have enojyed if I didn't jump off for something empty and meaningless.
Guest Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 you shouldnt of confessed, I got caught and am sorry my husband found out. It been 8 months and it is very hard. I feel sorry for him but we are married 26 yrs and our marriage is very good but I am 44 yrs old and was going thru a midlife crisis and he understands that since weve been together since I was 15 yrs old that I wanted to see what it was like being with another man.
poly Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Hi, mr. crimson im new here, well i have caught also my husband w/ another man in his place, just like you he don't have job, cause he just pass his board exam, i don't know if i was trying to justify things to lessen the hurt, he was 8 yrs younger than me, and the girl he met is his classmate during the review, the girl don't even know that his married, accidentaly when i went to his place, i saw this girl, unable to grab her because father in law block my way, so she and my husband able to scape, the worst thing is that instead of consoling me he run away with the girl, and did not do anything i mean he did not exert effort to talk, call or even txt me. I even woe him, coz i wanted to save the marriage, by the way i'm 33yrs old now, even i have this little doubt, still i decided not to leave the house, and pretend as if everything is ok. But still my intuition tells me still he's seeing the girl, whenever i'm in his place, he didn't know that i will stay for a night he will arrive late, and he wonder why i'm there, i mean i have the right to be where he is right? You might wonder, why we are not together, my son and i leave with my inlaws away i mean far from the city, i used to travel everyday just to be with my son, unable to be together because he's not stable enough i mean my earnings cannot support us. So, the set up is like this. Now, can you sight something how can i make my husband confess, i mean make him realize his wrong doings, should i leave, until now it's like i married my in-laws instead of my husband coz until now i'm living with them away from my husband. Pls. help
Romeo Must Die Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 poly - a cheater will play his game to the bitter end. He will make you believe you have gone insane/blind to cover his tracks with the other woman. You have to catch a cheater. You have to watch them day and night without letting them know that you just got smarter than they are. Google: catching a cheating husband. crimson - It's not always easy to do the right thing, but where there is a will, there is a way. It takes strength and courage. You have to learn boundaries and become a new person. It wont happen overnight. Infidelity poisons everything, our home, family, our careers. There is nothing that hasnt been touched by it. Out of Darkness, whichwayisup and Jane Doe gave you some excellent advice to ponder. Are you writing this down? I see that it has taken it's toll on my husband. Sometimes it takes a tough situation to make a guy realize how fortunate he is to have a family. He told me when we reconcilled that I saved him from a horrible life, because he didnt think that I would ever want him back again. He is a messed-up guy but he doesnt want to be that way. He's sick of the lies. It effected his work and his relationship with his kids. He missed me, he missed my body the way we feel like we were made for each other. I fit perfectly in his arms. The rewards are feeling newborn, reaching a new peak you didnt know was there. The challenge is to get there from where you are now, are you committed? You could get hurt. You could stumble. You could cry into your backpack and you could look for an easy way out... or you can start to climb your way up to that goal. I hope you can get your career back in order. The holidays are coming and I'm sure it is pretty depressing when you arent working, but maybe you could take another job (like retail) in the meantime to support your family until the right position in education opens up for you.
InaPanic Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 Crimson, i also cheated on my husband & I am also trying to live daily with what i did to our marriage, to his self-esteem & to myself as I don't feel like i will ever be the same. We are trying, i am in counseling & he is being as supportive as anyone could possibly be. Is your wife being supportive or is she angry & hateful? I'm not sure if you said if you two are living together now or still apart. I never would have felt sympathy for the cheater prior to being a cheater. I never would have thought 'they' went thru anything because a cheater has to be so self-absorbed they have no feelings. Wrong. I never thought I could screw up my life the way i have & now I have to live with this every day. This is what we get for what we've done Crimson. HOpefully time will heal the wounds for everyone involved in what we did.
Madeamistake Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Hi Crimson! All I can say is for you to be strong. You will get through it. My advice is to seek counselling, especially Christian based counselling. It would be good for you and your wife! Seek what is missing in your life for you to have done such, you will find thought patterns that led to your infidelity - besides the idle time factor. All the best!
Djaba Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Just so you know where I'm coming from, I fairly recently found out about a lengthy affair my my wife had and am headed toward divorce. It's been incredibly difficult, and gives me new appreciation for the damage that infidelity does, not just to the relationships directly in question, but to the world. My advice will be rooted in this experience. I'm not going to flame you, but I'm also not going to tell you to forgive yourself, because I think it is probably too soon for that, and to tell you that would be, in my view, to disrespect you. It sounds like you recognize that you made an extremely serious mistake, and I commend you for recognising it, and for telling your wife something that you knew she deserved to know so that she can make informed decisions about her own life. I'm slightly uneasy by the fact that I can't really tell to what degree you want her back, and to what degree you want to do the right thing; I know from my own experience that this isn't always easy to know. Always do the right thing. If she chooses to have you back, count yourself very, very blessed. Tell her that you love her, that you are scared to death of losing her, that it kills you to imagine your life without her. Tell her that, for the time being, her happiness is all that matters, and that if she thinks she would be happier without you, you want her to leave you. Do not sacrifice your basic human dignity, but apologise to her every day, from the deepest part of yourself that you can find, gently and without any hesitation. Keep apologising until your wife tells you that you do not need to apologise any more, or that she doesn't want you to apologise any more. You will have to dig deep, but in my opinion this is your best chance of redeeming yourself to her, and to yourself. And even if you lose her, you will have found yourself.
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