She's engaged, but MAY like me. I'm stuck!? :P

[Pye]

Hello there internet people!

 

I have a little issue I'd like your advice/thoughts on please.

 

There's this VERY lovely lady at work that I've sort of fallen for despite knowing she's engaged....but I couldn't help myself cos she is, as sick and soppy as it sounds, she is 'perfect' for me

 

Anyway, I am a very realistic person and if I knew there was no chance at all I'd just get on with my little life, but I just can't tell.

 

I'm rubbish at telling if someone likes me back. Her little face lights up every time she sees me, she always seems to be happy to talk to me, and I'm sure on the odd ocation she's made up an excuse to come to my office and talk. I can't tell if she's just being friendly, or if she may fancy me a little? Any advice on how to tell/get the truth out of her?

 

I also don't know if she knows quite how I feel about her...or if she should do? I mean, if I can't 'have' her then I'd still love to be her friend, and I don't want to screw that up by saying "Hey, I fancy the pants off you" and freaking her out

 

So, what do you guys think so far? and what would be a good step of action to make a move without coming on too strongly or whatever? I know she's alone next weekend (BF on a trip or something) so I was thinking maybe to invite her out somewhere...as a friend, but I'm still not sure if that might look like I'm after her since we've never done anything outside of work before, plus I don't want her to feel I'm taking advantage cos she is alone!

 

Maybe it's bad to go after someone who's engaged, but to be honest I don't really care about the other guy. As long as she's happy with stuff then I don't see there being a problem

 

Yeah, so what do I do? I'm stuck and don't really have anyone in the real world I'd trust enough to talk to this about

 

Thanks for your advice

 

P.S. - I have been involved in a engagement ending due to the girl falling for another guy, so I know it can happen, which is why I'm keepy my hopes up

[whichwayisup]

She is taken, so even if she's flirting with you, don't fall into that trap.

 

Just shows what sort of person she is, the fact she's about to marry a guy and she's still looking on the side. DO you really want a woman like that, who seems she's not capable of focussing on the man who she is engaged to?

 

Leave her alone, don't be friends with her. IF her engagement gets called off, THEN ask her out, but until then, respect the fact she is off the market!

[Pye]

Hmm...you may have a point there. I never really thought of it/her like that. Maybe I don't want someone like that, but then maybe she's not usually like that. You've certainly given me something to think about!

[Rooster_DAR]

Hmm...you may have a point there. I never really thought of it/her like that. Maybe I don't want someone like that, but then maybe she's not usually like that. You've certainly given me something to think about!

 

Don't count on it, she probably is like that. The fact that she is even entertaining you when she is supposedly getting married would indicate to me that she has problems with commitment and who knows what else.

 

Also, you stated "but then maybe she's not usually like that", but friend you are justifying this because you have the hot's for her.

 

Think about it dude!

[Pye]

don't be friends with her.

That would be a very hard thing for me to do without knowing that she really was being bad or whatever, and not just being friendly. As I said before, I'm rubbish at telling the difference between friendly and proper flirting, and I hate to lose the chance of having her on a friend just cos she might have been flirting/playing with me or whatever. If i do/can find out that she's being more than friendly and just messing with me then it'd be much easier, but before that I don't think i could just not be friends with her.

 

Don't count on it, she probably is like that. The fact that she is even entertaining you when she is supposedly getting married would indicate to me that she has problems with commitment and who knows what else.

 

Also, you stated "but then maybe she's not usually like that", but friend you are justifying this because you have the hot's for her.

 

Think about it dude!

 

I've been thinking a little about this. Maybe it is cos I have "the hot's" for her (hehe...we don't use that over here much ), but maybe it could be something like that she thinks I'm better suited for her than that guy? (I don't think that about myself. I not that cocky or self confident ) or that maybe she feels she made a mistake with him, rather than just going around playing around with other guys cos she's bored or has commitment problems?

 

Yeah, it may be "the hot's" but I still find it hard to think that she'd be like that normally without a proper reason, because she is so kind, sweet, caring and helpful. All round nice people don't usually do stuff like that, do they?

[Guest]

Hello there internet people!

 

I have a little issue I'd like your advice/thoughts on please.

 

There's this VERY lovely lady at work that I've sort of fallen for despite knowing she's engaged....but I couldn't help myself cos she is, as sick and soppy as it sounds, she is 'perfect' for me

 

Anyway, I am a very realistic person and if I knew there was no chance at all I'd just get on with my little life, but I just can't tell.

 

I'm rubbish at telling if someone likes me back. Her little face lights up every time she sees me, she always seems to be happy to talk to me, and I'm sure on the odd ocation she's made up an excuse to come to my office and talk. I can't tell if she's just being friendly, or if she may fancy me a little? Any advice on how to tell/get the truth out of her?

 

I also don't know if she knows quite how I feel about her...or if she should do? I mean, if I can't 'have' her then I'd still love to be her friend, and I don't want to screw that up by saying "Hey, I fancy the pants off you" and freaking her out

 

So, what do you guys think so far? and what would be a good step of action to make a move without coming on too strongly or whatever? I know she's alone next weekend (BF on a trip or something) so I was thinking maybe to invite her out somewhere...as a friend, but I'm still not sure if that might look like I'm after her since we've never done anything outside of work before, plus I don't want her to feel I'm taking advantage cos she is alone!

 

Maybe it's bad to go after someone who's engaged, but to be honest I don't really care about the other guy. As long as she's happy with stuff then I don't see there being a problem

 

Yeah, so what do I do? I'm stuck and don't really have anyone in the real world I'd trust enough to talk to this about

 

Thanks for your advice

 

P.S. - I have been involved in a engagement ending due to the girl falling for another guy, so I know it can happen, which is why I'm keepy my hopes up

 

I say go for it! You never know she might be the one. I met my wife while she was engaged to another man.

 

We started out as friends and next thing you know we end up together. She terminated her relationship with fiancee and we married 11 months later.

 

3 children and almost 15 years of marriage, I can honestly say, I am so glad I had the nerve to pursue her. I love my wife and children dearly.

 

I am on this site for other reasons, being that my mother who is 59 years of age is having an affair on my father. I read these threads because, I try to better understand her reasons for being unfaithful to my father. I am not anywhere close to figuring this out as of yet, but it helps to read about all the possibilities, on why she would do this after 38 years of marriage.

[pricillia]

I say go for it! You never know she might be the one. I met my wife while she was engaged to another man.

 

We started out as friends and next thing you know we end up together. She terminated her relationship with fiancee and we married 11 months later.

 

3 children and almost 15 years of marriage, I can honestly say, I am so glad I had the nerve to pursue her. I love my wife and children dearly.

 

I am on this site for other reasons, being that my mother who is 59 years of age is having an affair on my father. I read these threads because, I try to better understand her reasons for being unfaithful to my father. I am not anywhere close to figuring this out as of yet, but it helps to read about all the possibilities, on why she would do this after 38 years of marriage.

 

 

totally off the subject but I found this off of the internet as far as why a wife would cheat on the husband, I am sure that it could be the same for why men cheat.

 

1. Poor to no sex life
   
2. Lost of passion in the relationship
   
3. Simply feeling not loved by your partner
   
4. Husband is never home
   
5. Never get to spend quality time together
   
6. Spending too much times with childbearing and lost the courtship with your husband.
   
7. Husband is inattentive
   
8. Lack of and/or fear of intimacy
   
9. Lack or no emotional and sexual bond

[Angel8008]

I'm a engaged girl and my fiance lives in scotland so we dont really see each other that often. probably 2-3 times a year. We dont get to speak to each other often as well and that is because he is a busy guy and also the time difference. however he loves me so much which makes me feel so guilty because i've fallen for this kid (which was really surprising as that has never happened before) at my school and he as well found me attractive. yes we did kiss but thats all. I've never done such thing before but alot of it had to do with the long distance and loneliness i was feeling.

 

So in a way i kind of relate to what you two are going through the only difference is that i have a long distance relationship. I personally believe that you should talk to the girl and see how she really feels. If she has the same feelings you have for her then have her talk to her fiance about it. I told my fiance everything because i couldnt keep it in me any longer and Yes he was hurt but he loves me too much to leave me. We are still together and even though i have these feelins for this other kid, deep down i know that im not going to find a guy like my fiance. Thats all i have to say.

[Guest]

Say, what I am seeing here is that you were dumped by a fiancee. You are feeling a power struggle. You feel hurt by this past betrayal, and would like to be the man on top. It's all POWER. I'M OKAY. When you are engaged to her, she will be looking at the next guy to make her feel OKAY . Wake up, and keep on walking. Find someone who is unattached. Ego trips only set you up for a great fall down the road.

[Pye]

Say, what I am seeing here is that you were dumped by a fiancee. You are feeling a power struggle. You feel hurt by this past betrayal, and would like to be the man on top. It's all POWER. I'M OKAY. When you are engaged to her, she will be looking at the next guy to make her feel OKAY . Wake up, and keep on walking. Find someone who is unattached. Ego trips only set you up for a great fall down the road.

Hello there Guest, but I'm afraid you're wrong. I've never been engaged myself or ever had a girl leave me for another guy. The engagemen I was said I was involved in was the girl falling for me...but nothing really happened. She just sort of realised that she was with the wrong guy. And it's nothing to do with power or ego. I'd MUCH rather her not be engaged and do this the normal way. It's not like I go out chasing engaged/maried girls just to break them up and feel powerful I'm also very happy being single. I'm not looking for girls at all at the moment. She sort of just 'happened'.

 

Odly enough Angel8008, am I also a 'kid' to her from her school (well, we both work in a school and I'm a few years younger making me a kid ). Maybe the school enviroment encourages things like this?

 

I say go for it! You never know she might be the one. I met my wife while she was engaged to another man.

 

This is good and bad news! I'm glad you found the right lady and have a nice little family I was starting to think it was a really bad idea from what the people above said, but now after reading your story I'm not sure. I wish mine would end up like yours...but wishing is a lot more easier than how things work in real life Anyway, it's off to work now to see her and I'll see how friendly she's being today. Hopefully I can try and get some more hits out of her, cos I don't dare (yet) to ask her directly about it like Angel8008 said.

[Walk]

I'm not saying the girl is a screwed up fruit cake or anything, but there are some issues there that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

 

If she really is "looking" at other men in that manner, then there's probably something wrong with her current relationship. If that's true, then why the frick is she getting married? Personally, makes me believe her head is stuck in fairly land if she thinks all will be hunky dory after the wedding... If you wait a year or two, maybe you could be the OM in their relationship!! haha

 

Interesting that you would find a non-available woman a dating potential, and that this has happened more than once. Do you have a fear of commitment? A habit of seeking out already engaged women who are unavailable, unattainable? Just curious.. You don't have to answer that....

 

Anyway... My vote is: Run the other way. Messing with a person who has promised to marry someone else is not a terribly moral thing to do... And should be avoided. And there's probably a hundred other "Ms. Perfects" out there... of course, they'll all happen to be engaged when you meet them.. hahah sorry.. that was mean.. I'm just ribbing you.

[Pye]

I'm not saying the girl is a screwed up fruit cake or anything, but there are some issues there that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

 

If she really is "looking" at other men in that manner, then there's probably something wrong with her current relationship. If that's true, then why the frick is she getting married? Personally, makes me believe her head is stuck in fairly land if she thinks all will be hunky dory after the wedding... If you wait a year or two, maybe you could be the OM in their relationship!! haha

 

Interesting that you would find a non-available woman a dating potential, and that this has happened more than once. Do you have a fear of commitment? A habit of seeking out already engaged women who are unavailable, unattainable? Just curious.. You don't have to answer that....

 

Anyway... My vote is: Run the other way. Messing with a person who has promised to marry someone else is not a terribly moral thing to do... And should be avoided. And there's probably a hundred other "Ms. Perfects" out there... of course, they'll all happen to be engaged when you meet them.. hahah sorry.. that was mean.. I'm just ribbing you.

 

No, I don't have a fear of commitment (well, I do, but only of it being with the wrong person). I don't want to be engaged and find someone else!), or a habbit of seeking out engaged/taken woman. I'm not really the dating type of guy who goes round looking for woman or anything. I just carry out my normal life and sometimes someone special just pops out of nowhere As for the other person I was involved with...that was nothing to do with me! Ok...I did quite like her, but I never 'tried' to get her or anything. It was nearly all on her side of things.

 

As for the "screwed up fruit cake" comment, now if she was then that would be something I'd go for...so maybe that's one of the reasons I like her? I've never really thought that about her before, but every lady I have been involved with in the past has been in the 'fruit cake' class for various reasons, or had really screwed up childhoods. Again, I don't seek them out...they seem to find me

 

"If she really is "looking" at other men in that manner, then there's probably something wrong with her current relationship. If that's true, then why the frick is she getting married?"

 

I'm not sure. She's been engaged for just over a year now, and used to talk about him alot, but now she hardly ever talks about him...so maybe things are going down hill and she will call it off before she gets married? I'm sure if there is something wrong she's not quite 'fruity' enough to go ahead an marry him. Well, I hope not anyway!

[whichwayisup]

Distance yourself from her, emotionally anyway. The fact she's not as close to her own fiance means that she probably is having second thoughts. It's best though for HER to figure it out on her own, rather than end it and jump into another relationship with you.

 

I'm just saying that if she feels the same way as you do about her, the friendship you are having with her is only going to get stronger, while the relationship she has with her future husband will weaken.

 

You don't have to disappear from her life, just don't 'be the one' she comes to about her issues at home...Hope that makes sense.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Yeah, so what do I do? I'm stuck and don't really have anyone in the real world I'd trust enough to talk to this about

 

Well, you can start talking to her about more personal things. Without being too prying. Just move it more to a closer friendship of sorts and see what happens.

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

[Pye]

You don't have to disappear from her life, just don't 'be the one' she comes to about her issues at home...Hope that makes sense.

I do get what you mean, but not 100% sure how to go about that. How do I avoid being the one she comes to about her issues at home? Just try and avoid her a little? Spend less time with her and things? Pretend not to be interested in her 'problems'?

 

Well, you can start talking to her about more personal things. Without being too prying. Just move it more to a closer friendship of sorts and see what happens.

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

 

Hello to you

 

I have trouble talking to people about personal things cos,

 

a) I very much like to keep my personal stuff personal

b) I don't really have any personal stuff I could share...I don't think. I mean, I don't have any great secrets or anything that's going on in my life that's very personal...appart from this, and obviously I can't talk to her about that!

 

Maybe I do have personal stuff I could talk about, but I'm just so used to keeping everything in my head that it'll probably take me ages to think of something I can talk to her about. Maybe I will though if I can think of anything

[whichwayisup]

I do get what you mean, but not 100% sure how to go about that. How do I avoid being the one she comes to about her issues at home? Just try and avoid her a little? Spend less time with her and things? Pretend not to be interested in her 'problems'?

 

Encourage her to work things out with her fiance, seek couples therapy. Or ask her to talk to a girl friend. Explain to her it's not fair for her to put things on you, seeing as there are feelings involved. Neither of you can fully be objective because of this...It's too close, ya know?

 

I'm just saying, you two can be intouch, but not be SO involved in eachother's daily lives. That isn't fair to her fiance either. I'm sure if he knew that she was talking and opening up so closely with another man, he wouldn't be happy about that. I mean, ask her how SHE would feel if he were befriending another woman? Opening HIMSELF up to her, sharing thoughts, feelings etc...I'm sure she would be hurt and pissed off...

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I have trouble talking to people about personal things cos

 

I didn't mean things that are private.

 

Just simple things like, did you grow up in this town? Silly things like that, you can come up with stuff. That way you can be friends with her and get to know more about her.

 

Ariadne

[Walk]

Hi,

 

I have trouble talking to people about personal things cos

 

I didn't mean things that are private.

 

Just simple things like, did you grow up in this town? Silly things like that, you can come up with stuff. That way you can be friends with her and get to know more about her.

 

Ariadne

 

Are you actually encouraging him to attempt to develop a closer relationship with a taken woman? Why? Would you want some woman doing that to your finance? (this isn't sarcasm, I'm curious as to your reasoning)

 

I'm not the most moral person in the world, but I try to live by the old "do unto others..." philosophy, and I sure wouldn't want someone doing that to me or the person I love. I understand situations happen, and we don't always make the best decisions when wrapped in the event.. but to be an outsider and still advise he get to know her better seems odd to me....

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Are you actually encouraging him to attempt to develop a closer relationship with a taken woman? Why?

 

Well, because for what he said he likes her.

 

Would you want some woman doing that to your finance? (this isn't sarcasm, I'm curious as to your reasoning)

 

Oh, if I had a fiancé he could talk to whomever he wanted to. That is none of my business.

 

Ariadne

[Angel8008]

Pye, you are so like me ...its kinda funny cuz i totally understand u

[Pye]

I have trouble talking to people about personal things cos

 

I didn't mean things that are private.

 

Just simple things like, did you grow up in this town? Silly things like that, you can come up with stuff. That way you can be friends with her and get to know more about her.

 

Ariadne

I've tried doing that, and it seems to be working! I've not really talked that much about myself (cos I tend not to) but from what I said seems to have gone down well, and she's come back and told me quite a lot personal stuff about her. She also seems to be more of a closer friend because of it too, and spends more time with me than before Still have no idea if she has 'proper' fellings for me, but I'm just enjoying her friendship and stuff at the moment.

 

I've still not decided if I should maybe ask to do something outside of work yet. We have started e-mailing on weekends, but appart from that our only contact is at work. How do you ask a lady out on the weekend without it sounding like a 'date'? I don't want a 'date' as such. I just want to meet up outside of work...as a friend.

 

Pye, you are so like me ...its kinda funny cuz i totally understand u

Nice to know there's another me out there

[whichwayisup]

How do you ask a lady out on the weekend without it sounding like a 'date'? I don't want a 'date' as such. I just want to meet up outside of work...as a friend.

 

Your mind and your heart are telling you two different things. Your intentions isn't just friendship. You have feelings for this woman and honestly, it's quite inappropriate to ask her out, outside of work. You know she's got a fiance, so techincally, she's hands off. Don't pretend that it isn't a date - you can label it anything you want - It's still a date, with feelings involved.

[NotKelly]

I have a question here... because I see it as a recurring theme on the boards...

 

This woman he's talking about is... NOT MARRIED YET. Why is she "hands off" because she's engaged? Engaged does not equal "married." Unlike a marriage, an engagement is neither a religious relationship, or a legal relationship. It is a preliminary social contract that is intended to end in marriage, but you do not sin if you break such a social contract; neither can you be taken to court (unless you don't give the ring back and your boyfriend gets pissed).

 

It seems to me that the very concept of someone finding a "taken" (even if SINGLE) woman attractive, and flirting with them, and maybe (gasp!) STEALING them from their fiance, to be outrageous, bad news, beyond the pale, "you'll be sorry," etc.

 

But that's part of the game of love. I suppose everyone has different rules about what's appropriate, but my goodness -- if "the right way" to meet and fall in love with someone is ALWAYS to just look for someone who's not already in a relationship, then probably half of us are the spawn of illicit, "wrong" loves.

 

I realize that a lot of people on this board have been cheated on, or had their S.O. "stolen" from them by some hussy/cad, but that doesn't mean that partner-switching is always a bad, evil thing done by bad, evil people. But it really seems to color the conversations around here.

 

Marriage (particularly with kids attached) is one thing, as marriage is a bond/promise that our culture feels strongly about. But I question this weird "don't steal someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend" mantra. Are "good" people to have NO meaningful encounters in their lives leading to love and (hopefully lawful) happiness, outside of a singles bar?

 

And having cold feet or second thoughts about an engagement is NOT a sign that a woman is a "cheater" at heart. What an insane thing to say! Last I checked, a woman still had the right to back out of an engagement if she wasn't sure. It doesn't make her a whore. (Which is what a lot of people seem to be implying.)

 

To the original poster: She's still a free woman. If you think you've got a future with her, go for it while you still can. You owe her boyfriend/fiance nothing. Once she gets married though, you should back off.

[whichwayisup]

And having cold feet or second thoughts about an engagement is NOT a sign that a woman is a "cheater" at heart. What an insane thing to say! Last I checked, a woman still had the right to back out of an engagement if she wasn't sure.

 

Yet, she hasn't mentioned A WORD to her fiance that she's not happy or having second thoughts about calling off the engagement. TO me, that is just dishonest - She's leading her fiance on. If you think that THAT is OK to do, well, so be it.

[NotKelly]

Well, unfortunately, most people AREN'T in THAT touch with their feelings. You know, people are not that cut and dried. Are they all whores and cads, then?

 

My sister was engaged to be married to a guy who was much younger than her. Six weeks before the wedding, she found out he was fooling around with another woman, and didn't want to be married. He didn't even realize he didn't want to be married (to ANYONE, not just her) until she confronted him about the cheating. She was devastated, of course, but now she realizes he was just too young to be married, and she has no real ill feelings toward him. She doesn't think he was a cad -- just confused and immature.

 

Has it occurred to you that this woman is in the process of deciding if she wants to marry her fiance? Pray tell, what is the "correct" and "honest" way to do this?

 

I think it's way, way too easy to be moralistic and very hard on people who are just trying to live their lives and find happiness. Especially on younger people. Give them a break, and stop judging them so much. No one is ever going to be as "responsible" as you expect them to be - if we were really that responsible, there would be no such thing as dating, we'd just marry at age 12 to whoever our parents say we should, like they do in India.