I think MM I have a crush on likes someone else and I'm devastated

[BlueEyedGirl]

And it's not the W.

There is another woman in the office. She worked part time and is M with kids, around his age. I always noticed that they get along well. I never considered her a threat as she was very overweight, older and not attractive at all. Since I started working there she did however consider me a threat, and kept asking whenever MM is not around personal questions about how close we are. Again, I thought she was just trying to get the gossip.

 

MM always talks s*it about all the others in the office and we always have a laugh behind their backs (not very nice but hey what can you do). Everyone but HER. He has nothing but nice things to say about her. She has also switched to working full time recently and he was really happy about that. Their offices are next to each other. She has recently lost quite a bit of weight too and she is still average looking at best but still. I have overheard their conversations and they have so much in common. Much more than me and him. She is also very smart and I feel out of my depth. Like I have nothing but my looks to offer him. I have noticed him looking at her once the way he looks at me. It made me sick.

 

He has recently confided in me that his M is pretty much dead and has been for a while. When I first started working there he had pictures of the W all over his office, now they are ALL gone and replaced by photos of him and the kids. W is nowhere to be seen.

 

How ironic would it be if he fell in love with this other woman? I would just about die. I mean what the hell is this? Now I have to compete with TWO women? And I still don't know to what extent I'm being paranoid about him and her. I think I'm going to just become a nun. I give up. No man will ever fall in love with me.

[burning 4 revenge]

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[BlueEyedGirl]

If he and this woman get together (hell for all I know they already are together but I will find out if they are), I'm leaving this job. That is something I can not handle. Him staying with the W is better, at least I can tell myself, it's not me his M and kids are important and I can understand that. But if he picks this other woman, I wouldn't be able to handle the blow.

I just have the worst luck in love. It's almost funny. I have joined the dating site last night. Maybe it will keep my mind of MM c*ap. This is just beyond depressing. Oh and that woman has dyed her dark hair platinum blonde, something I did few weeks ago. MM must be enjoying all this, what an ego boost. DAMN IT.

[magichands]

No man will ever fall in love with me.

You need to find some self-respect, that's all.

 

Why not turn your affections to an unencumbered man. (Not that marriage is a burden, mind. ) Someone that has integrity. Because building a relationship on quicksand is nigh impossible.

[Island Girl]

Sure he's enjoying it. And that is all he has ever been concerned with. Himself. Of course it is an ego boost.

 

So you weren't threatened by her because she was older, overweight, and unattractive.

She has always had more in common with him - and has always been attractive at least to him anyway. Now that she has lost weight he is more drawn in.

 

He is not 'picking' her - he is not making a choice between the two of you. He is just trying out whatever suits him. To him, you were like the 'flavor-of-the-month'. Good for right now. But they'll be another.

 

It wouldn't suprise me at all if his marriage is not going great. How can it when he is not giving 100%.

How's that working for you? Not great, not happy?

Welcome to his wifes world. Now you are feeling just a smidge of what his wife must be feeling. So just imagine what you contributed to.

 

This man was never yours. We tried to tell you - you are special for the moment not special for forever with a MM.

 

You say you now have to compete with 2 other women -

There is no competition. He'd have you all if he could.

 

So you're unhappy?

Well he was never in an affair with you to make you happy, he was in it to make himself happy.

 

You want to be fulfilled, you are barking up the wrong tree.

Try and try it will never be.

 

You have the worst luck in love?

Well picking someone who is already taken is not a great start, what do you expect?

 

Hopefully this is a big eye opener for you - that when it comes to emotions and having a fulfilling relationship, you start with basics first. Not already married is a good one to put at the very top of the list.

He can't ever marry you or give you any kind of commitment if he is already married.

 

Everyone tried to tell you before.

 

I hope this time you understand people along this topic know what they are talking about sometimes from experiences just like yours.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I know this sounds silly, but I really thought that I was special to him and that he cared about me. Boy was I wrong. I have built him up in my mind to be something he is not. I actually feel sorry for his wife. I can't imagine how painfull it is being with a man who is constantly looking for something "better".

 

Haing gotten to know him quite well, I realized that he is just one of those "grass is greener" type of people. He has moved countries and cities countless number of times. He has never stayed a the same job for more than 2 years. It is not even like he gets a better job offer somewhere else. He decides that he has had enough and conciuosly looks for something else and he is never happy with what he has. He has even changed occupations 3 times. It's only natural that this would translate to his love life. And he is dragging his wife and kids with him, wife has to leave her job, friends, family etc just because he has an idea to move somewhere else. I really do feel sorry for his family. Even if he ends up staying with her for good, I can't imagine that she is happy with that kind of life.

 

I have even told him that all the moving around can't be good for the kids, and he just said that they are still young and they don't care . Well, I come from a family where we moved around when I was young, and settling into a new school and starting over was hell. The only person he cares about is HIMSELF. Sorry I'm getting off the topic I just need to vent I guess.

[Jane Doe]

No man will ever fall in love with me.

 

You're right -- as long as you're wasting your time on a married man.

 

For the love of God, dump this clown. You know what he is. He's morally corrupt, a wanderer and a player. Leave him in the gutter where he belongs and find yourself a decent man. They're out there but you'll never find one as long as you're slumming with this guy. You're putting yourself through unnecessary turmoil.

[consternation]

Blue eyed, your posts remind me of high-school. Do you write the MM's name on your pencil case?

 

Drama queen!

 

I don't know why so many posts hating on the MM, I think the real problem is that blue eyed is perhaps rather naive and delusional.

[BlueEyedGirl]

You know cons.... I have been called drama queen before so you might be onto something.

 

If you are implying that I'm delusional because I think that he likes this woman you would be wrong. When I was with the ex bf, there was a girl he was friends with that I just knew there was something more between them. Everybody told me that I'm paranoid, they have been friends for ages, he denied it etc. Well guess what, we broke up and they have been together for 2 years now.

 

If you are implying that I'm delusional for other reasons please explain.

[whichwayisup]

Look, it's obvious your MM is a womanizer and has no respect. WHY on earth would you want him? Even if you two hooked up, it's not going to be enough for him. HE is not who you thought he was, his actions are showing you this, plain and simple.

 

You must make your own closure, even if it hurts you to realize that you weren't as special to him as you once thought you were.

 

WHO cares if he has another OW in his life, just be glad you aren't anymore!

 

If you can, quit your job. FOR YOU, not just because he 'might' be with other ladies in the office. Don't let him or any other man ruin your career!!

[outofdarkness]

And it's not the W.

There is another woman in the office. She worked part time and is M with kids, around his age. I always noticed that they get along well. I never considered her a threat as she was very overweight, older and not attractive at all. Since I started working there she did however consider me a threat, and kept asking whenever MM is not around personal questions about how close we are. Again, I thought she was just trying to get the gossip.

 

MM always talks s*it about all the others in the office and we always have a laugh behind their backs (not very nice but hey what can you do). Everyone but HER. He has nothing but nice things to say about her. She has also switched to working full time recently and he was really happy about that. Their offices are next to each other. She has recently lost quite a bit of weight too and she is still average looking at best but still. I have overheard their conversations and they have so much in common. Much more than me and him. She is also very smart and I feel out of my depth. Like I have nothing but my looks to offer him. I have noticed him looking at her once the way he looks at me. It made me sick.

 

He has recently confided in me that his M is pretty much dead and has been for a while. When I first started working there he had pictures of the W all over his office, now they are ALL gone and replaced by photos of him and the kids. W is nowhere to be seen.

 

How ironic would it be if he fell in love with this other woman? I would just about die. I mean what the hell is this? Now I have to compete with TWO women? And I still don't know to what extent I'm being paranoid about him and her. I think I'm going to just become a nun. I give up. No man will ever fall in love with me.

I agree that it does sound sort of "high schoolish"...Mabey that's the way OWs and MM communicate. I would not be surprised since their world is so very closed and unrealistic. I mean, it seems to me that those sorts of relationships could get obsessive so easily...Do you ever go anywhere or do anything w/ your MM? Has he introduced you to any of his friends? Do you go to ball games and hang out together at the local coffee shop? Probrably no! It must be very clostraphobic for OWs...

 

My H cheated on me for over 10 years with one main one and multiple inbetween. I can tell you that they DID NOT know of one another. I received a letter in the mail from the main one two years ago, and she went on and on about how they had deep feelings for one another, she loved my kids, blah blah blah...she was pretty upset when she found out about the others...It happens alot. Think about it, if somone really loves and respects you and is not just using you for his own selfish reasons, then he does not hide you! He is proud of you, introduces you to his family, friends, etc...A's are secretive, deceptive and unrealistic...Get out of that way of life now...There are some great single guys out there. Will they all look and act like prince charmings when you first meet them, mabey not, but that doesn't mean they are not good, honest, decent men...Come on guys this is your chance to defend yourselves; at least if you are single! It's not fair to take our H's...Not that they did nothing wrong! I just feel that it's wrong to push yourself at a MM...It is too destructive and hurtful to the others involved. If you only knew what it feels like to be a W and kids and to find out that your H/Father has cheated...It's devastating! Your life is NEVER the same...Not that you can't bebuild a new and stronger life...but it's hard...hard to trust ANYONE again...

Good luck...and God Bless.

[Jane Doe]

Outofdarkness, you said that beautifully. I'm very sorry for the pain you've been through.

[norajane]

How ironic would it be if he fell in love with this other woman? I would just about die. I mean what the hell is this? Now I have to compete with TWO women? And I still don't know to what extent I'm being paranoid about him and her. I think I'm going to just become a nun. I give up. No man will ever fall in love with me.

"What the hell is this?" What the hell is with your thinking? What made you think that going after a married man would bring you love and happiness in the first place? What makes you think competing is what you should be trying to do now?

 

When you posted before, did you think we were all just trying to rain on your parade because we're bitter killjoys and that's how we get our kicks and didn't want you to have love? No, we told you exactly what you could expect from a relationship with a MM: pain and disappointment of one kind or another.

 

MM are off-limits for a lot of reasons, not the least of which are your own peace of mind and self-preservation. What you should be doing now is going out and meeting single men who actually have something to offer. That's what you should have been doing all along. This man's antics should be none of your concern and are none of your business.

 

Next time a MM makes eyes at you, shut him down right away so you don't end up in this situation again.

[magichands]

When you posted before, did you think we were all just trying to rain on your parade because we're bitter killjoys and that's how we get our kicks and didn't want you to have love?

You can convince yourself that MM crumbs are the best meal you're ever going to get, or go after your own cake. Or something like that.

 

And then there's the whole lies and deceit thing...not pretty. I think self-respect is the way to go.

No,

She's right - I'm the only bitter killjoy around here. The only gay in the village (so to speak).

[outofdarkness]

Outofdarkness, you said that beautifully. I'm very sorry for the pain you've been through.

Thanks..it's great to get some encouraging words of support!

[Island Girl]

So now may be a time of reflection.

 

To stop focusing on HIM - he does enough focusing on himself and his needs anyway -

 

Self examination of why you feel that you were only deserving of momentary attention, always at the convenience of HIM, with no ability to have the real expectations in a real relationship.

 

You are lacking in self-respect and self-esteem to place yourself so willingly in a position where you would most certainly get hurt.

 

He was in an affair due to selfishness and thinking ONLY of himself.

You were in an affair because you weren't thinking of yourself.

 

magichands put it best. You:

"convince yourself that MM crumbs are the best meal you're ever going to get, or go after your own cake"

 

You do not feel you deserve your own cake. You SAY that is what you want, but subconsciously you do not feel you DESERVE it.

 

And so it is true - that you will be unlucky in love if you yourself deem yourself unloveable.

Mistakes like this that you then can feel guilty about and worthless about compound the obvious state your mind is in.

 

You have said over and over again that you are attractive and value yourself on only that basis.

You have stated you are young and therefore more valuable on that basis.

 

You then subconsciously think that as you age and, in your mind, become less attractive - you become less valuable.

 

This is a terrible way to perceive yourself and is common in women who have been abused as children.

This lack of self love and self worth leads to self destructive behavior such as this.

 

I do not know where this comes from, but you are almost guaranteeing you will remain unlucky in love no matter who you choose if you do not address this for yourself.

 

I hope this job has great medical insurance so you can make a HUGE step for yourself and go do some work on yourself, for yourself, with a professional.

[Jane Doe]

You're certainly welcome. I think it's great to hear from the other side. Hopefully your words will have some impact on the original poster. You've obviously been through a tremendous amount of pain but your words indicate that you're surviving and moving on. I hope that's the case for you.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Thank you all for trying to discuss this with me without attacking me.

Outofdarkness, you wrote your story beautifully. I have been cheated on by long term bf, no marriage and kids involved and it completly broke me. So I can relate to some extent to how you were feeling. See, I didn't even consider this when going for MM. How foolish of me. This morning I'm having one of those "What have I been thinking?" moments. I'm dreading seeing MM tommorrow at work as we have to work on a project together for couple of hours. I really will consider getting another job.

 

It might be a good idea to see a therpist at some point (I have never been to one), as when I think back, even though I have gone for different types of men, they all had one thing in common, they were EMOTIONALY UNAVAILABLE. I probably should work out why I'm doing it.

[Jane Doe]

I think that's an excellent idea!

[Island Girl]

It might be a good idea to see a therpist at some point (I have never been to one), as when I think back, even though I have gone for different types of men, they all had one thing in common, they were EMOTIONALY UNAVAILABLE. I probably should work out why I'm doing it.

 

<applause>

 

 

and by the way - when you see him tomorrow - I hope you finally see him for what he is:

 

A person who thinks of no one but himself.

Who hurts those that care about him.

Who lies to those that care about him.

Who cheats on those that care about him.

All the while smiling into those he is doing damage to for his own personal gain.

 

He is a lying, cheating, selfish loser who preys on women that have serious self-esteem issues. Exploiting their weaknesses so he can sleep with them and be done with them.

 

He is scum.

[outofdarkness]

<applause>

 

 

and by the way - when you see him tomorrow - I hope you finally see him for what he is:

 

A person who thinks of no one but himself.

Who hurts those that care about him.

Who lies to those that care about him.

Who cheats on those that care about him.

All the while smiling into those he is doing damage to for his own personal gain.

 

He is a lying, cheating, selfish loser who preys on women that have serious self-esteem issues. Exploiting their weaknesses so he can sleep with them and be done with them.

 

He is scum.

you go girl!!!That is right on target!

[pricillia]

And it's not the W.

There is another woman in the office. She worked part time and is M with kids, around his age. I always noticed that they get along well. I never considered her a threat as she was very overweight, older and not attractive at all. Since I started working there she did however consider me a threat, and kept asking whenever MM is not around personal questions about how close we are. Again, I thought she was just trying to get the gossip.

 

MM always talks s*it about all the others in the office and we always have a laugh behind their backs (not very nice but hey what can you do). Everyone but HER. He has nothing but nice things to say about her. She has also switched to working full time recently and he was really happy about that. Their offices are next to each other. She has recently lost quite a bit of weight too and she is still average looking at best but still. I have overheard their conversations and they have so much in common. Much more than me and him. She is also very smart and I feel out of my depth. Like I have nothing but my looks to offer him. I have noticed him looking at her once the way he looks at me. It made me sick.

 

He has recently confided in me that his M is pretty much dead and has been for a while. When I first started working there he had pictures of the W all over his office, now they are ALL gone and replaced by photos of him and the kids. W is nowhere to be seen.

 

How ironic would it be if he fell in love with this other woman? I would just about die. I mean what the hell is this? Now I have to compete with TWO women? And I still don't know to what extent I'm being paranoid about him and her. I think I'm going to just become a nun. I give up. No man will ever fall in love with me.

 

 

Hey I am the OW right now and I am trying not to be, but re read your post, obviously this guy is playing the field, don't let yourslef get hurt.

 

and you have more to offer then your looks, I am sure but you have to stop thinking that just because a woman is not attractive to you that she is not attractive to a man.

 

Have enough confidence in yourself that you don't need to put her down because she is not as pretty as you are.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I'm not trying to put her down because she is not pretty, I was just trying to point that out. I mean Pricilla, imagine there are two women after a men you like. One is attractive (I'm not saying that I'm terribly attractive, just more so than her), and another is obese, which one would you feel more threatened by?

 

Fact is, she is not very pretty and she is not a very nice person. In front of MM she is very nice to me but when we are alone she is putting me down CONSTANTLY. She watches exactly how much I eat, (called me anorexic before), asks where do I get the money to buy designer clothes (none of her business), and told me that I only got this job based on my looks.

 

But it all doesn't matter anymore, SHE CAN HAVE HIM. I'm done.

[pricillia]

I'm not trying to put her down because she is not pretty, I was just trying to point that out. I mean Pricilla, imagine there are two women after a men you like. One is attractive (I'm not saying that I'm terribly attractive, just more so than her), and another is obese, which one would you feel more threatened by?

 

Fact is, she is not very pretty and she is not a very nice person. In front of MM she is very nice to me but when we are alone she is putting me down CONSTANTLY. She watches exactly how much I eat, (called me anorexic before), asks where do I get the money to buy designer clothes (none of her business), and told me that I only got this job based on my looks.

 

I am sorry I did not know the whole story. She sounds like a winner.

Let her have him... just be carefull after all you are at work.

 

Talk to MM find out where his head is and listen to what he says carefully watch his body language, don't get too wraped up in the emotion of it so you are listening with a clear head.

 

You need to know what his intentions are, look for the subtle clues of what he is trying to tell you.

 

It also sounds like this woman is trying to prove a point and is competing with you over MM, don't play her game.

[Island Girl]

Priscilla -

 

She has already he realized he is a selfish cheating scum who has lied and played around this entirte time for his own gain with no concern for anyone but himself.

 

Talk to him about where he head is? It is where it usually is - right there with him - thinking about himself, his feelings, his wants, his needs, etc.

 

She has just put out there that she is done.

 

<KUDOS TO YOU BLUEEYEDGIRL>

 

She is looking at getting out of self-destructive behavior and a doomed relationship but your encouragement is she should figure out what HE is thinking and how HE feels?

 

Are you kidding me? -- ? --- !

 

I do not see how that is productive to her at all.

Productive to him, yes, it gives him the chance to be completely selfish and manipulative to possibly reel her in again for more self destruction.

 

Did you read through all of her posts?