Author chill chic Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Yes yes yes, all that is right. And nothing she did made me feel uncomfortable. I was proud of her and felt good about being with someone so successful. Boy, I could have quit my job... so how would a guy overcome this "fear"? would the guy eventually get over this fear if there was someone he really wanted to be with? is there anything the girl can do to make him feel comfortable around her or her parents? or is this fear locked into his brain for good? why would he settle for something less, if he could have more...ya know what I'm saying?
Loserdude Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 If..a girl makes more money than them? If..a girl is more financially stable & younger than he is? If..a girl's parents are more well off than his parents? Can that make a guy not commit? Well, Miss VIP, the original post asked this question. I don't think that it's YOU or things about you that are making him not, commit, it's with him. So if the things you say are the things that really are causing him to feel this way, you should talk them out - and it won't take just one conversation. For example, the first one - you make more money. If he says he's not comfortable with it, ask him why? He'll probably give some vague answer like he doesn't know, it just doesn't feel right. it probably has something to do with some ingrained stereotype of men being the provider. So if that's the case, let him provide for you in other ways - maybe he's handy and can fix things. Maybe he can provide security for you in the form of companionship etc. As far as the parents goes, well, one set has to be better off than the other, it just happens that it's yours. So ask him why he should hang that over your head. See if you can get him to see that these are all good things, not bad...
ShoeGirl Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 For me the issue of me making more money and being younger has made my boyfriend a little uneasy. I am not sure why this is but he gets almost jealous when I mention that I just got a big paycheck (we both work part time jobs but I am on commission and he is paid hourly), not that I was trying to brag, just saying that now I have some extra money that I could spend on going to see him (we are long distance). First of all we are both in our senior year of college and I am planning on going to grad school and he is not sure if he wants to or needs to, when I am done with grad school my career starting out pay is 70,000/year or more, his is significantly less even if he were to get his masters. He has mentioned that he has thought that he should make more than me but our chosen careers don't allow that at least not starting out. I don't think anything of it, it really doesn't matter to me that he will make less than me. I think he is just a little insecure about it, he doesn't think much of is anymore as we have talked about the reasons behind what our income could be in a few more years. I think that it depends a lot on the guy and what he saw growing up... if his dad worked hard and brought home a paycheck while his mom stayed home to take care of the kids that could have something to do with it.
Author chill chic Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 Well, Miss VIP, the original post asked this question. I don't think that it's YOU or things about you that are making him not, commit, it's with him. So if the things you say are the things that really are causing him to feel this way, you should talk them out - and it won't take just one conversation. For example, the first one - you make more money. If he says he's not comfortable with it, ask him why? He'll probably give some vague answer like he doesn't know, it just doesn't feel right. it probably has something to do with some ingrained stereotype of men being the provider. So if that's the case, let him provide for you in other ways - maybe he's handy and can fix things. Maybe he can provide security for you in the form of companionship etc. As far as the parents goes, well, one set has to be better off than the other, it just happens that it's yours. So ask him why he should hang that over your head. See if you can get him to see that these are all good things, not bad... thanks for that insightful information. I think the biggest issue with him or at least that I believe is that he saw that I like to dress nice, it's just the way I like to dress because I like fashion, but he might have seen that as "high maintenance" although I know he knows my personality by now. but he always kind of put me through lil tests to see if I like expensive taste, such as what kind of cars I like, or where I buy my jewelry from, stuff like that. but I used to be around that sort of fashion because I modeled awhile back so it was something that I grew accustomed too. now that I'm not in it, even though I still have those qualities about me, it still showed to him. I liked to impress him, but I guess since he's the more rustic woods type, he couldn't imagine me roughing it with him or something who knows, but now since I'm settling down from that persona of me since I'm not in that career anymore, it came maybe too late for him to really see. I don't know if that makes sense but now that he's moved away I'm not sure how I could tell or show him that I'm learning that some things aren't as important to me anymore & I'm becoming more responsible. As far as letting him know I'm comfortable or making him feel better about the situation, what's the best way to tell him since I probably can't see him as soon as I'd like? If I call him, I don't want to put him on the spot to answer every single question and I might get nervous too, but I do have his email address, which he can always read the email again if he missed something. but I would make it to the simple and to the point, just like I would a friend, not all sappy and crap.
mental_traveller Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 If..a girl makes more money than them? If..a girl is more financially stable & younger than he is? If..a girl's parents are more well off than his parents? Can that make a guy not commit? For, no, but for a lot of guys, yes.
Woggle Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Not at all but there are certain type of woman that get that I don't need you mentality and start to lose respect for their men when this happen. THey start to treat a man like hs is useless and disposable.
Loserdude Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 but he always kind of put me through lil tests to see if I like expensive taste, such as what kind of cars I like, or where I buy my jewelry from, stuff like that." "As far as letting him know I'm comfortable or making him feel better about the situation, what's the best way to tell him since I probably can't see him as soon as I'd like? If I call him, I don't want to put him on the spot to answer every single question and I might get nervous too, but I do have his email address, which he can always read the email again if he missed something. but I would make it to the simple and to the point, just like I would a friend, not all sappy and crap. Well, as far as the little tests go, I think you're right and he is leaking his insecuties by these "little tests." (Which to me are not very mature - how old his he?) But be careful, it's almost as if with these little tests that he's looking for a reason to dump you. Maybe. Might be a warning sign. As far as letting him know or feel better, I would let him bring the stuff up and then respond. If it really seems like there's stress about it, see if there's anything he wants to talk about (generally) and see where that goes. If he doesn't mention it, you might then bring it up but I would not force the issue too much/put him on the spot.
CarolAnne Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 If..a girl makes more money than them? If..a girl is more financially stable & younger than he is? If..a girl's parents are more well off than his parents? Do these make you guys insecure? I DON'T GET GUYS!!!! IF a girl makes more money than you - go buy a friggin yacht together and sail around the Bermudas! Or would you rather be struggling alone and asking your parents for money, or splitting what you have to supporting a girl who isn't contributing much? I always thought, given a choice, a guy would take the easy road Don't guys prefer a younger woman? Don't guys want to marry up and not marry down??? You know, the girl you take home to momma? Guys I'm surprised at your responses:bunny:
Loserdude Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Do these make you guys insecure? I DON'T GET GUYS!!!! IF a girl makes more money than you - go buy a friggin yacht together and sail around the Bermudas! Or would you rather be struggling alone and asking your parents for money, or splitting what you have to supporting a girl who isn't contributing much? I always thought, given a choice, a guy would take the easy road Don't guys prefer a younger woman? Don't guys want to marry up and not marry down??? You know, the girl you take home to momma? Guys I'm surprised at your responses:bunny: So what am I, chopped liver
Author chill chic Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Well, as far as the little tests go, I think you're right and he is leaking his insecuties by these "little tests." (Which to me are not very mature - how old his he?) But be careful, it's almost as if with these little tests that he's looking for a reason to dump you. Maybe. Might be a warning sign. As far as letting him know or feel better, I would let him bring the stuff up and then respond. If it really seems like there's stress about it, see if there's anything he wants to talk about (generally) and see where that goes. If he doesn't mention it, you might then bring it up but I would not force the issue too much/put him on the spot. he is..cough cough..32 years-old. so yah i think he's being a lil immature & insecure about himself financially. i can't imagine why he'd throw material tihngs in my face when he knows i'm a nice, caring person. but it seems like he had a problem with it. that kinda tells me that he's not very good with his money, or doesn't have much to begin with. but i really want to talk to him about it, because i don't want him to feel like he's not good enough (life in general) i'm not sure if that's an area i should touch on with him, but like i said before i want him to know that money doesn't matter to me & doesn't matter to my parents. i don't want to put him on the spot, i can't talk to him in person because he's away, & calling him might put him on the spot too, which i may not get all the response i want if it makes him nervous to talk on the phone. SO i'm thinking of emailing him, so he can read it over if he has to, & wouldn't feel pressured. i'm not talking about a sappy email, more like an honest email but not push the subject too much. would that be a good idea? i really want him to know how i really feel.
Author chill chic Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 So what am I, chopped liver so all in all, is he just really insecure..especially for being a 32 year-old? no you've been a VERY big help
Loserdude Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 so all in all, is he just really insecure..especially for being a 32 year-old? no you've been a VERY big help Thanks. I meant the chopped liver comment in resp. to the one who was disappointed with the guys' responses. Okay, so you want to send an e-mail. I think that is a great way to sort of throw some things out there with no immediate pressure on him. My advice to you is to compose the e-mail and then wait a day before you send it (save it to drafts). You can sort of re-read it and be sure it says what you want it to and doesn't say what you don't want. THat's better advice when you are upset or angry, but being a little cautious here won't hurt. Say it along the lines of, "I've been wanting to talk to you about something but I didn't know how to say it...I've been getting the feeling that you are not comfortable wtih certain things..." I'm sure you'll word it right. Make sure that you throw in something along the lines of how you enjoy his company and how you're hoping that he'll understand that the point of the e-mail is so that you will remain in this relationship (or will progress, etc.) But I would also give him a bit of an escape valve too. Maybe you could just direct him to this site and he'll get it all (TOTALLY KIDDING, don't do that.) Also, be careful. E-mails can be funny. They do not contain the inflections and other cues that in-person or telelphone conversations have. You can really botch things up by a misinterpretaton of a word or idea. You never know, like the book says, he just might be that into you. And if that's the case, don't sweat that either. Maybe it's time for you to read, "An American Tragedy." (If you read it you'll realize that I am kidding - great book for sure but twisted) and you'll see what happens when the guy really wants the girl in the higher class... It's funny, like it's any way at all your fault that you happen to be in a better place financially. Go figure. Hope it goes well!
Author chill chic Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Thanks. I meant the chopped liver comment in resp. to the one who was disappointed with the guys' responses. Okay, so you want to send an e-mail. I think that is a great way to sort of throw some things out there with no immediate pressure on him. My advice to you is to compose the e-mail and then wait a day before you send it (save it to drafts). You can sort of re-read it and be sure it says what you want it to and doesn't say what you don't want. THat's better advice when you are upset or angry, but being a little cautious here won't hurt. Say it along the lines of, "I've been wanting to talk to you about something but I didn't know how to say it...I've been getting the feeling that you are not comfortable wtih certain things..." I'm sure you'll word it right. Make sure that you throw in something along the lines of how you enjoy his company and how you're hoping that he'll understand that the point of the e-mail is so that you will remain in this relationship (or will progress, etc.) But I would also give him a bit of an escape valve too. Maybe you could just direct him to this site and he'll get it all (TOTALLY KIDDING, don't do that.) Also, be careful. E-mails can be funny. They do not contain the inflections and other cues that in-person or telelphone conversations have. You can really botch things up by a misinterpretaton of a word or idea. You never know, like the book says, he just might be that into you. And if that's the case, don't sweat that either. Maybe it's time for you to read, "An American Tragedy." (If you read it you'll realize that I am kidding - great book for sure but twisted) and you'll see what happens when the guy really wants the girl in the higher class... It's funny, like it's any way at all your fault that you happen to be in a better place financially. Go figure. Hope it goes well! what you said, sounds like a great plan and that's what I'll do. keeping in mind that when I first write the email, I'll go back later on & edit if I have to. then after I send it, I'll leave it all up to him to get in contact with me, I won't be the one to initiate until he does. And that will also give him some space to think about everything. I haven't read that book before, but it seems like it would be a good book, I'll have to check it out do you know of any movies like that? and you're right, it's not my fault that I'm a lil better off financially, some things you just can't help!
Loserdude Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I haven't read that book before, but it seems like it would be a good book, I'll have to check it out do you know of any movies like that? and you're right, it's not my fault that I'm a lil better off financially, some things you just can't help! Right. and not only can you not help them, it should not be a problem anyway - it's a good thing. INteresting that your ask whether there are movies like that. "A Place in the Sun" is a classic and is based on the book, I believe it won best picture in 1954 or so when it was released. Recently, Woody Allen did an update on it called "Match Point" Both are worth seeing.
Author chill chic Posted October 7, 2006 Author Posted October 7, 2006 Thanks. I meant the chopped liver comment in resp. to the one who was disappointed with the guys' responses. Okay, so you want to send an e-mail. I think that is a great way to sort of throw some things out there with no immediate pressure on him. My advice to you is to compose the e-mail and then wait a day before you send it (save it to drafts). You can sort of re-read it and be sure it says what you want it to and doesn't say what you don't want. THat's better advice when you are upset or angry, but being a little cautious here won't hurt. Say it along the lines of, "I've been wanting to talk to you about something but I didn't know how to say it...I've been getting the feeling that you are not comfortable wtih certain things..." I'm sure you'll word it right. Make sure that you throw in something along the lines of how you enjoy his company and how you're hoping that he'll understand that the point of the e-mail is so that you will remain in this relationship (or will progress, etc.) But I would also give him a bit of an escape valve too. Maybe you could just direct him to this site and he'll get it all (TOTALLY KIDDING, don't do that.) Also, be careful. E-mails can be funny. They do not contain the inflections and other cues that in-person or telelphone conversations have. You can really botch things up by a misinterpretaton of a word or idea. You never know, like the book says, he just might be that into you. And if that's the case, don't sweat that either. Maybe it's time for you to read, "An American Tragedy." (If you read it you'll realize that I am kidding - great book for sure but twisted) and you'll see what happens when the guy really wants the girl in the higher class... It's funny, like it's any way at all your fault that you happen to be in a better place financially. Go figure. Hope it goes well! Oh yah, I thought about something to say in the email to him, but I'm not sure what he'd think. I wanted to tell him something like that I wish people would look past the financial part of me because for 1 I can't help that fact..it's within my family, & 2 I'm a very caring & friendly person, & like people for who they are..& that my parents have always taught me that money doesn't make you happy, people & love make you happy. something along those lines. when I said I wish "people" would look past...it's not directly aiming at him, but I dunno, how should I say it?
Author chill chic Posted October 7, 2006 Author Posted October 7, 2006 Right. and not only can you not help them, it should not be a problem anyway - it's a good thing. INteresting that your ask whether there are movies like that. "A Place in the Sun" is a classic and is based on the book, I believe it won best picture in 1954 or so when it was released. Recently, Woody Allen did an update on it called "Match Point" Both are worth seeing. yah I've heard of "match point" before, I should go to blockbuster tomorrow! lol also, would "the notebook" be a good movie to see also?
Loserdude Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Yes, The Notebook was very sweet. Much different than Match Point or American Tragedy.
Guest Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I would welcome all three of those that would be a god send. PLEASE PUT A SHIRT ON. YOU DRIVE ME WILD.
Author chill chic Posted October 7, 2006 Author Posted October 7, 2006 Yes, The Notebook was very sweet. Much different than Match Point or American Tragedy. well I'll definitely rent "match point" what do you think about what I said before the movie post? is that a good idea? about telling him those things?
Loserdude Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 Oh yah, I thought about something to say in the email to him, but I'm not sure what he'd think. I wanted to tell him something like that I wish people would look past the financial part of me because for 1 I can't help that fact..it's within my family, & 2 I'm a very caring & friendly person, & like people for who they are..& that my parents have always taught me that money doesn't make you happy, people & love make you happy. something along those lines. when I said I wish "people" would look past...it's not directly aiming at him, but I dunno, how should I say it? Well I'm not sure. From what you said earlier, I got the impression that you have had conversation(s) about this topic and that you knew what his POV was in which case I would sort of bring it up as you said. If, however, you are not sure whether he feels this way and you are trying to flush him out, so to speak, I would maybe try as you suggest, "I wish people..." but I tend to be a little more direct. Also, sending him some random e-mail broaching this topic from the "people" perspective may seem a little obvious to him (unless he's dumb, too (sorry)). I guess I would say something like this: "Harry, I have had a nice time with you and hope that we can continue, but I've gotten the sense /feeling that you have reservations about me based on our financial situations - you're a loser and I'm set for life (okay, sorry again, I'm getting a little punchy). If I'm wrong, please forgive me for my misunderstanding, but if I'm right, I'd really like to talk to you about it or at least know what your thoughts are." How's that sound?
Loserdude Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 well I'll definitely rent "match point" THe more I think about it, you should really rent "A Place in the Sun" - Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift. A real b&w classic. But on second thought, hold off. If things don't work out between you and this feller, then watch it! Let me know what you think! Glen_law56 at yahoo
kjl933 Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 On the surface not intimidating at all and certainly not a reason to NOT COMMIT. But, if these items were thrown in my face, I would be out the door in a heartbeat...not intimidated, but not about to put up with that bullshyt!
Author chill chic Posted October 8, 2006 Author Posted October 8, 2006 On the surface not intimidating at all and certainly not a reason to NOT COMMIT. But, if these items were thrown in my face, I would be out the door in a heartbeat...not intimidated, but not about to put up with that bullshyt! what do you mean by "thrown in my face"? in regards to material things? why do you say that? what if that person really shows that they care for you? that wouldn't matter?
Loserdude Posted October 8, 2006 Posted October 8, 2006 what do you mean by "thrown in my face"? in regards to material things? why do you say that? what if that person really shows that they care for you? that wouldn't matter? I think what KJL means is that if a woman knew she was in a better class and kept pointing it out or rubbing it in, then he would be gone. I don't think he was suggesting that you are or would do that. I think if someone cares about someone else then she wouldn't behave that way so don't worry, Miss VIP
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