She Cheated, I can't forget

[jetpeak8]

This is our 3rd year of marriage, no kids.

 

It’s been over a year since I caught her (I read a couple of emails between them, after I noticed her excessive text messaging for a couple of weeks).

 

After a week or two of being miserably silent on the matter, I finally confronted her with the email copies I had saved; she had no choice but to admit it.

 

She cried and cried and cried, and repeated how much she loved me and how much she was sorry, and that the only reason she did it was because she thought I was cheating (which I wasn't) and that it was her only way of coping, etc.

 

She said that all that happened between them was kissing, even though she admits that she had been at his place while I was on a trip.

 

But I don't believe that, not to be graphic, but this is why I don't believe her: When we made love after I came back from my trip, she acted awkward, and she "felt" like we had sex the day before, not a week before, and I found it strange, but didn’t think much about it then, until after I found the emails.

 

She swore that th never had sex with him, and I "forgave" her then, and we never talked about it since, its been almost a year and a half now.

 

I hide it, but I think about it every single day, it hurts so so so bad, sometimes I cant even bring myself to make love with her, giving silly excuses, but sometimes our love making is fantastic, but usually only when I forget (i.e. alcohol).

 

We are approaching a crucial moment and decision in our marriage (kids), and since this cheating happened so early in our marriage, I don’t know how it will affect the future.

 

Should I ask her again if they had sex? Should I say why I feel so certain they did? What should I do?

 

I'm worried that if I keep silent on my thoughts and suspicions that I might explode in the future, after we have kids, and that’s not good.

 

Sometimes I feel like cheating now, just to get back at her, I've never been hurt so much.

 

Our relationship is not like before, at least on my part. I now stay up all night way after she sleeps, when before we used to sleep at the same time.

 

I love her so much, but I don't know how this love will stay this strong, especially if she admits they had sex, but I want to know, I need to know.

 

Sorry for the length and my rambling, but I've never talked to anyone about this before, I need all your thoughts, support and advice, I'm in so much pain, and have been so for too long.

[Amour77]

I would be very careful with that one.

 

There seems to be several things there:

First of all, there seems to be a lot of unsaid things on your side, and a lack of communication. Have you thoroughly talked about it with her last year?

Also, the excuse she gave you last year is NOT a good excuse. She was cheating on you because she thought you were cheating on her and it was the only way for her to cope.....? This is complete bu......! There is no excuse for cheating! This leads me to think that whenever there will be a problem arising between you and her, she will cheat on you because "it is her only way to cope! No way!

She probably did not tell you she has slept with that other guy because that would have had a major impact on your marriage (probably would have led to a divorce given that you were so upset about it). She probably did sleep with him though! I don't know what the emails were saying, and how often and for how long she was texting that guy, but a recurrence in time would confirm that they were at it! Was she away often, etc...? There were probably other clues. You are talking about adults there, not teenagers! Also, if she did not tell you at the time, I suppose she is not gonna tell you now, is she?

 

Talk to her about the way you feel and let her know you have serious issues with her cheating on you last year. Go and seek couselling once you have spoken to her. You need to do something about it because you cannot spend the rest of your life like this.

 

But my gut feeling is that if she did it, she will do it again!

[jetpeak8]

I would be very careful with that one.

 

There seems to be several things there:

First of all, there seems to be a lot of unsaid things on your side, and a lack of communication. Have you thoroughly talked about it with her last year?

 

I confronted her the day before we went on vacation, we talked (& cried) all night, but decided to go anyway. We talked again during the vacation, but never again. I don't know if she felt sorry because of my hurt or because of our families reprucussions.

 

Also, the excuse she gave you last year is NOT a good excuse. She was cheating on you because she thought you were cheating on her and it was the only way for her to cope.....? This is complete bu......! There is no excuse for cheating! This leads me to think that whenever there will be a problem arising between you and her, she will cheat on you because "it is her only way to cope! No way!

 

She has somewhat of a good reason to think I was cheating, an old ex of mine called me twice (only twice, and I told her not to call again and she never did) and also my brother has a bad rep with women, but not me. So I dunno of thats a good enough reason for her to suspect something.

 

She probably did not tell you she has slept with that other guy because that would have had a major impact on your marriage (probably would have led to a divorce given that you were so upset about it). She probably did sleep with him though!

 

Agreed. God I hate the thought of that. Another man with my wife, god.

 

I don't know what the emails were saying, and how often and for how long she was texting that guy, but a recurrence in time would confirm that they were at it! Was she away often, etc...? There were probably other clues.

 

The emails said things like "Cant wait to see you, I'm so excited, etc" I think the whole fiasco lasted about 6 weeks.

 

You are talking about adults there, not teenagers! Also, if she did not tell you at the time, I suppose she is not gonna tell you now, is she?

 

I have trust problems now, but I don't feel anything is going on at the moment, she's trying hard to make things work, but still, I have trust problems and bad thoughts at times.

 

Talk to her about the way you feel and let her know you have serious issues with her cheating on you last year. Go and seek couselling once you have spoken to her. You need to do something about it because you cannot spend the rest of your life like this.

 

This is hard to do, but sooner or later I will have to bring it up, she will start crying again, I'm worried that bringing it up again will do more harm than good.

 

But my gut feeling is that if she did it, she will do it again!

 

I hate to think that, I like to think that its a new era, but as I said, I still have trust issues. Our families are so close, if it happens again it will be a tragedy.

 

I'm in a dilemma, I have no clue which path to take...

[Rooster_DAR]

It’s been over a year since I caught her (I read a couple of emails between them, after I noticed her excessive text messaging for a couple of weeks).

 

After a week or two of being miserably silent on the matter, I finally confronted her with the email copies I had saved; she had no choice but to admit it.

 

Let me guess, she accused you of being possesive and was pissed that you were spying on her when you confronted her.

 

Typical of someone who knows their guilty of screwing around.

[bluechocolate]

Put the idea of having children out of your head & take yourselves off to a marriage counselor. Maybe you should go first alone, but make sure she starts attending with you soon.

[jetpeak8]

Let me guess, she accused you of being possesive and was pissed that you were spying on her when you confronted her.

 

Typical of someone who knows their guilty of screwing around.

 

No, she never accused me of being posessive, never. At first she denied when I asked her if their was something going on, but when I showed her the proof, she broke down crying, explaining why she did it, that it was nothing significant, and she pleaded that I forgive her.

[jetpeak8]

Put the idea of having children out of your head & take yourselves off to a marriage counselor. Maybe you should go first alone, but make sure she starts attending with you soon.

 

I am doing it alone, right here on this forum. I'll decide sooner or later what to do next. I just want to read different oppinions first.

[LakesideDream]

My advice for what it's worth: No kids until you sort all this out.

 

A lot of guys cannot handle the idea that their wife (or GF I suppose) has been penetrated by another man. When they find out something inside "turns off".

 

If you are one of those guys, you may be sunk. If it were me I would want to know the truth of what happened when you were away. All of it.

 

From your description, you sound pretty youthfull, without much to lose. Now's the time to figure all this out and decide what YOU want to do.

 

BTW, the reasons you gave for your wife thinking you were cheating were bogus. You handled the contact with an old flame correctly, and you are not responsible for your brothers behavior.

[Sup]

You say she felt like she had sex within about a day, probably so. Have you confronted her about this? She's likely NOT telling you everything, it's called damage control.

[jetpeak8]

Firstly, I want to thank you all for your serious comments, I truly appreciate it.

 

Back to topic:

 

The thing is, do I really need to know?

 

We've had wonderfull times since then, but every so often I have flashbacks, I get quiet and distant, wonderring about the above, and when I do, I get sad, mad, and agitated easily, although I've never been abusive, but sometimes I feel like "killing" him, I've met him before I found out, and he thinks I dont know about it since she broke it off.

 

I'm 99.99% certain nothing is going on now with him or anyone else, I have my ways of knowing and I'm good with this stuff, in more than one way.

 

Should I just cheat and feel better and even? Should I forgive and forget? Should I not open up old wounds? (even today after posting this she noticed my mood was different and kept asking why I was sad today)

 

I'm so confused as to what my next step would be, Its killing me, I badly want to know the details she didnt tell me, but do I need to?

 

God this is tearing me up inside...

[Sup]

Firstly, I want to thank you all for your serious comments, I truly appreciate it.

 

Back to topic:

 

The thing is, do I really need to know?

 

We've had wonderfull times since then, but every so often I have flashbacks, I get quiet and distant, wonderring about the above, and when I do, I get sad, mad, and agitated easily, although I've never been abusive, but sometimes I feel like "killing" him, I've met him before I found out, and he thinks I dont know about it since she broke it off.

 

I'm 99.99% certain nothing is going on now with him or anyone else, I have my ways of knowing and I'm good with this stuff, in more than one way.

 

Should I just cheat and feel better and even? Should I forgive and forget? Should I not open up old wounds? (even today after posting this she noticed my mood was different and kept asking why I was sad today)

 

I'm so confused as to what my next step would be, Its killing me, I badly want to know the details she didnt tell me, but do I need to?

 

God this is tearing me up inside...

 

To answer your question, YES! If she is really messing around on ya, she could infect you with AIDS, or some other STD. Have you gotten checked yourself? I would, just in case, to ease your mind there.

[jetpeak8]

To answer your question, YES! If she is really messing around on ya, she could infect you with AIDS, or some other STD. Have you gotten checked yourself? I would, just in case, to ease your mind there.

 

Not worried about STD's, this happened over a year ago and we've both gotten checked many times since then, for different reasons.

 

Back to the issue at hand: She's gettin depressed because of my apparent decrease of sexual interest and kindness (ie, hugs, surprises, petting, etc) , and I'm affraid to mention the reasons and open old wounds, mainly because she is extremely emotional and possibly suicidal, and also because we are thousands of miles away from any family.

 

But I'm hurting, daily, whenever we get into bed "he" comes to my mind, and I keep wonderring if they did it or not, sometimes I envision them ddoing it, and I immediatly lose interest, unless I somehow block it out.

 

How do I cope? Its been over a year and I'm so affraid of bringing it up again and asking her if she did in fact sleep with him. This is the worst time of my life, we've built so much wonderfull memories together, but this is just too much to cope with...especially since I have not been drinking at all lately, so its even harder to block out...

[burning 4 revenge]

You've been married three years and I don't see a pattern here. She seems to be crazy about you, so I'd forget about it until something like this happens again. It isn't like she's consistently cuckholding you. The major issues over cheating are fear of losing your partner and a pattern of disrespect and I don't sense either one of these.

 

I'd forget about it.