The Mind Is a Terrible Thing

[johan]

I've had a friend for years that I've never been really close to. But he's been good for my pool game and we get together sometimes and play.

 

I have an ex who I loved immensely. Maybe it wasn't especially smart of me to feel that way for her, give the various obstacles she put between us and a future all the time. But I adored her, and I still do to be honest. After over a year.

 

Sometimes when she and I and my friend were out together I would get jealous. It makes sense that she'd have lighter interactions with him, given the difficulties she and I had. But I didn't like it because I felt insecure. Over time that went away.

 

He spoke with regret of a girl in his past who was a lot like my ex. Really pretty and demanding. And he loved her, but they couldn't get things to work. He said he thought that would be different now that he's older.

 

My ex and this friend had each other as IM contacts, which never bothered me. I think I set that up for some reason.

 

Now that she and I are broken up, I never see her online. But he does. And they chat, apparently briefly occasionally if she happens to be online for some reason.

 

After she and I broke up, I told him to tell her (if he happened to talk to her and if I happened to come up in the conversation) that I loved her and missed her and I wasn't happy without her. I wanted him to tell her that, because she never believed me when I told her. I thought she would trust his word on it.

 

After several months, she and I briefly tried to reconcile. I found out that he had told her the opposite. That he thought I might be seeing someone. It was false, although he could say it because he knew I had some women friends at the time. He didn't tell her anything to give her hope with me, even though he knew that I loved her. And she told me if she had known I loved her she might have called me.

 

The reconciliation didn't work. That was nine months ago.

 

I was recently out with my friend and mentioned happily that "guess who" he had seen online. I told him I didn't want to talk about her. But I ended up asking how she was doing. He seemed happy to tell me that he'd been in touch with her. And later in the night I told him if he spoke to her again to tell her hi for me. And he remarked that "she didn't say hi to you".

 

There is something arrogant in how he brings her up. He seems to really want to tell me he's spoken with her, and it doesn't bother him to tell me she doesn't care. And he's disappeared from my contact list lately.

 

My mind has put them together. It makes me furious.

[Art_Critic]

Why didn't you tell her you loved her yourself ?

 

To me.. that should've been your plan..

I made the same mistake with an ex from a while ago..

 

I'm sorry you are still wiped out over her.. I know how you feel.. almost exactly.

 

Have you thought about asking him about why he changed the relayed info ?

 

The mind can play tricks on you.. try and not put them together..

[johan]

Why didn't you tell her you loved her yourself?

 

I told her a thousand times in every way I knew how to say it. She would never really believe me. She would never really allow it to be true, because she was scared. Or so I thought.

 

After we broke up, I determined not to have contact. I wanted a clean break. And that by definition means no "I love you"s.

[Art_Critic]

I told her a thousand times in every way I knew how to say it. She would never really believe me. She would never really allow it to be true, because she was scared. Or so I thought.

 

I tried to show my love by looking into myself.. and I also tried in all the ways I knew how..

I did some really stupid things ..

 

None worked..

 

I think Johan that once the connection is gone that it is gone..

She made a decision to run/pull away from you and there is nothing you could do to change that..

 

If you still have her contact info then why not call her up and just talk to her ?.. I'm not suggesting you contact her.. I'm wanting to hear what you think about contacting her..

[burning 4 revenge]

Do you still love her Johan? Sometimes I think I never loved anyone. Can you honestly say that you love her? Like, if she died tomorrow, wouldn't you just just start getting interested in someone else?

[Art_Critic]

I think you need to try and forgive yourself ...

[johan]

Why would I call her? This isn't about me and her. It's about him and her. Or at least what my brain has come up with.

 

I can't emotionally afford to re-open the door to her. I'm not her buddy. I'm the guy who loves her who knows he can't have her. Calling her up to chat would be inane. I'd rather blow my head off. That frankly would be smarter.

 

More than anything I need to meet a girl who I love as much as I loved her, but who loves me like that back. And if that had been her, then we would be together now.

 

I have these intense waves of longing for her occasionally. Sometimes I think I failed and if I had been better, we'd be together right now. Sometimes I think she really loved me and wishes the same thing. But she told me it would be impossible now. She wrote me a long letter with the word "impossible" in all caps. Well, I can't make the impossible possible. That's her thing. I've been told.

[Art_Critic]

This isn't about me and her. It's about him and her.

 

 

Then you need to remove him from your life as well..

 

If he cannot be a true friend to you then he isn't worth having around even if to shoot pool with..

 

 

Forgive yourself Johan.. you did what you thought was right.. she didn't think your way was the way..

 

Her Loss.....

 

By the way.. I realize it isn't as easy as all that.. but you need to try and move on

[johan]

Do you still love her Johan? Sometimes I think I never loved anyone. Can you honestly say that you love her? Like, if she died tomorrow, wouldn't you just just start getting interested in someone else?

 

I love her. I'm sure I always will. It's my job to overcome that and live a life without her. This isn't anything that hasn't been done before. But it still sucks.

 

If she died tomorrow, I would feel so much sorrow for her. I'd cry for days.

 

I know that this has been a cold world for her, much of that she brought on herself. But I still know that she's a sweet girl inside and she needs love like I have for her. She just wouldn't accept mine as the real thing. Something bad happened to her before she met me, and she never really told me what it was. She was damaged.

 

Beyond that, I'll never really understand why we failed.

 

And in case you're wondering, I knew I felt this love for her when we were together. It isn't a matter of being apart and missing her that makes me feel this. It's because I always really did adore her.

[johan]

I've been off-topic, by the way. Because there is still this friend out there who I'm fantasizing about tearing his ears off and feeding them to him.

[Art_Critic]

I love her. I'm sure I always will. It's my job to overcome that and live a life without her. This isn't anything that hasn't been done before. But it still sucks.

 

If she died tomorrow, I would feel so much sorrow for her. I'd cry for days.

 

I know that this has been a cold world for her, much of that she brought on herself. But I still know that she's a sweet girl inside and she needs love like I have for her. She just wouldn't accept mine as the real thing. Something bad happened to her before she met me, and she never really told me what it was. She was damaged.

 

Beyond that, I'll never really understand why we failed.

 

And in case you're wondering, I knew I felt this love for her when we were together. It isn't a matter of being apart and missing her that makes me feel this. It's because I always really did adore her.

 

Wow.. you are a romantic.. I relate to that..

 

You cannot hold yourself responsible because she was/is damaged and make it something that was yours to fix..

 

I'm sorry your heart hurts !!....

[burning 4 revenge]

Wow J, you're quite the romantic. I think the only person I could say that about would be my mother. And maybe BO, Touche, Alchemyst, Lindya, a4a and Tink (whatever happened to Tink?)

[Art_Critic]

I've been off-topic, by the way. Because there is still this friend out there who I'm fantasizing about tearing his ears off and feeding them to him.

 

Why confront him ?.. just pull away from him as a friend

[johan]

I don't know why confront him. I'm not a fighter. But I think there are things in life worth fighting for. Whether this is one of them is something I may never know.

 

But I know that if I wanted to I could put him in the hospital and never get a scratch myself. He would fail because I'm right and because I'd be furious in a scary way. But he'd probably sue me or something. It's a friendship that would be no great loss.

 

Overall, it just seems like a bad idea to follow through on what my imagination has invented. I don't know anything for sure. It's definitely better for me to ventilate here than it is for me to go out on a mission. I think that is a given.

 

When I met him, he had been with another woman for a couple years. A couple years after I met him, that woman left him high and dry and broke his ego up pretty bad.

 

Anyone care to guess how he met her in the first place?

[johan]

I do find it ironic that he doesn't have health insurance, even though I've told him several times he really shouldn't go without it. That was out of friendship, of course. He makes six figures, so why he doesn't have it is a mystery to me.

 

But next time I recommend he get it, it might be because I know how handy it's going to be for him. I wonder if the insurance companies define "friend waiting to deliver a beating" as a pre-existing condition.

[burning 4 revenge]

Well Johan, then I guess the real question is...can you take him?

[burning 4 revenge]

Does anybody remember the Ministry album The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste ?

[Guest]

Well maybe this friend is showing you in a hamhanded way why she's a bad idea. And maybe he did what he did because he knew she was bad for you and didn't want you to go back for more And maybe he's a much better friend to you than you are to him because you are considering beating him up when really you need to be angry at yourself for allowing yourself to fall for an unavailable, broken woman. Or rather really you need to admit it.

[Sand&Water]

Johan,

 

He is just as fragile, as you are. Fragile -not to devour the manliness of your being, but it is the soft spot of many love thirsty men. It is a trait that is rarely uttered by men and women alike; expressed by those who have loved, been loved and heart broken at one time in life.

 

If you feel, you and him share a bond; one that exist within friendship parameters, then it might be to your benefit to forgive [if applicable], and move on.

 

She was a special person to you. Still is. Frame her in your life as that, and nothing more. To give her anymore space to grow on your thoughts, to consume your potential existance would sabotage your chances of settlement in your skin.

 

Believe. Tell her [in writing; without her ever knowing] that she has given you the chance -life- to open your heart to someone special, -to love again without barriers. That is the gift you can hand to yourself for having the strength to love a woman, like her.

 

Warm regards,

Sand&Water

[riobikini]

re:

 

Johan: " I've had a friend for years that I've never been really close to. But he's been good for my pool game and we get together sometimes and play. "

 

 

So -after reading all that -your starting post and all those others- I *have* to ask: just how good is this guy for your pool game????

 

-Rio

[luvtoto]

My mind has put them together. It makes me furious.

Awareness is grief's darkest hour. I know cause I've been there. What you are feeling is another level in the stages of grief.

 

You are getting through it!!

 

You may not feel like you are healing or growing...

 

...but you are, Johan.

 

By going through all this heart-wrenching despair and longing, (that's even putting it mildly) you will develop new and better life skills, which will help your future. Lessons that will help you make better choices for your life. Skills that will prepare yourself for meeting the right woman next time.

 

It WILL happen. Some of the things you wrote in your posts...melted my heart. You have sooo much to offer the *right* woman.

[johan]

Does anybody remember the Ministry album The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste ?

 

I remember it, but not any of the songs. I stopped with Psalm 69.

 

Well maybe this friend is showing you in a hamhanded way why she's a bad idea. And maybe he did what he did because he knew she was bad for you and didn't want you to go back for more And maybe he's a much better friend to you than you are to him because you are considering beating him up when really you need to be angry at yourself for allowing yourself to fall for an unavailable, broken woman. Or rather really you need to admit it.

 

Yeah. Some of that actually occurred to me. But it's a serious risk to teach a friend a lesson by making false advances to his beloved ex, like you're describing. That's like teaching your kid that stepping in front of buses is a bad idea by stepping in front of one while he's watching.

 

But I do feel guilty about wanting to pop him. Mostly because I caught him online last night and he was sitting at home by himself. Which makes me a little sad, but also makes me want to laugh. Look how much better it is to vent here than in real life!

 

Johan,

 

He is just as fragile, as you are. ...That is the gift you can hand to yourself for having the strength to love a woman, like her.

 

Warm regards,

Sand&Water

 

Sand, you've been taking poetry lessons or something. That was a nice post though. Thanks!

 

So -after reading all that -your starting post and all those others- I *have* to ask: just how good is this guy for your pool game????

 

He beats me regularly. He gloats a bit when he does. He gets annoyed and bored if I start winning. Overall he's pretty good for my game.

 

By going through all this heart-wrenching despair and longing, (that's even putting it mildly) you will develop new and better life skills, which will help your future. Lessons that will help you make better choices for your life. Skills that will prepare yourself for meeting the right woman next time.

 

It WILL happen. Some of the things you wrote in your posts...melted my heart. You have sooo much to offer the *right* woman.

 

I hope you're right, luv. I'd prefer not to feel this way for her. It would be easier to remember her as a pest and someone to be avoided. But thanks for the nice compliment.

[luvtoto]

I hope you're right, luv. I'd prefer not to feel this way for her. It would be easier to remember her as a pest and someone to be avoided. But thanks for the nice compliment.

Well, I've been there. It's not fun. When I had my awarness moment...I realized that my X-fiance dumped me cause he was still in love with his X-wife. All the pieces just suddenly fit together. Crushed me like a rock.

[johan]

Feeling lonely today. No possibilities for romance. I'm getting old. My ex didn't love me. She probably loves someone else now. She probably offers her body to that guy with total abandon and wakes the neighbors up at night like we used to.

 

Work is hard and stresses me out. Why are all the women so f**king far away? There should be one waiting here for me with open arms when I get home. A pretty one that smells good and has interesting things to say. Where the hell is she?

[Kittiecat]

SpaceGhost from coast to coast (or something like that).

 

Chill, m'man. She's out there.