Adunaphel Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 Here we go again. I'm in one of my "falling back for MM" dumb moments - again. I'm jealous - again. Today I saw him hitting on a girl on the internet - making compliments to her, and telling her something like "if you ever are around her (she might be travelling to his city in future) I'll be treating you as a goddess". [We both hang around in the same internet community, where users either know each other or have at least a friend in common...whatever they are called. This girl and him have never met in person yet. But I guess they might in a not-so-distant future.] This conversation happened in a chatroom - I read it because the chatroom does not clear when you enter it, you get to see about a page of what other people wrote before you entered. He sounded like he was half joking... but not really joking. If you know what I mean. Such a thing is enough to drive me up a wall with jealousy.... I was crying like an idiot for two hours. Now I'm somewhat calmer, but I am feeling bad, bad, bad. Over such an *idiotic*thing. And a few days ago he was being nice to me. A couple of days ago he was sounding like he was testing the water with me to see whether I was still willing to have some action with him, so to speak. I already knew he's like this, didn't I? I think I really hate him. And then, again, I desperately want him. And I mean desperately. (Actually, I think I just desperately would like to go back in time to an evening of ten months ago. I am certainly not in love with him. But I'm certainly madly in love with an old memory about him.)
bluechocolate Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 Adunaphel, why do you torture yourself like this? Is he really worth it? I think I really hate him. That's a start. Now please try to move from hatred to apathy.
stillhere Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 It's the "I don't want him, but i don't want him to want or to be with anyone else" attitude. I know EXACTLY what you mean. Can you avoid this chatroom for awhile? Try not to subject yourself to this, especially since you already know that he's out searching right in front of you. Just shows what kind of person he is. He knows you go onto that site, and if he cared about you at all, he wouldn't be doing this to you. Cut your losses and thank god you didn't waste more time on him.
michelleryan Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 I agree, it's almost like he wants you to see the posts to become jealous. Like they said, ditch him.
Island Girl Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 "I don't want him, but i don't want him to want or to be with anyone else" He IS with someone else -- always -- his wife. As far as flirting with other women, to him there is always room for one more. Just shows what kind of person he is. He knows you go onto that site, and if he cared about you at all, he wouldn't be doing this to you. What kind of person he is? - You know what kind of person he is. You knew from the beginning. He is the kind of person that cheats on his wife, lies to her, and only thinks about himself. He doesn't care and the only reason he ever pretends to care is to get in a girls pants. There are men out there that don't CHEAT and DO care. Here's the clue to find one of them. They are single.So start there and find someone who will truly care about you and be devoted to you.
magichands Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 But I'm certainly madly in love with an old memory about him. I think you have to put that memory in context. Knowing all that you do, what does it really mean? Sorry to be so blunt, but my guess is not that much.
Author Adunaphel Posted September 30, 2006 Author Posted September 30, 2006 Thanks for the replies. Adunaphel, why do you torture yourself like this? This sounds like pure masochism, doesn't it? Is he really worth it? No. I guess that I really need to convince myself of is that *the real him* is a jerk, and that I'm just in love with his "charming guy" facade. I basically need some kind of evidence that what I got very infatuated with is a facade, and not part of his real personality. I do hope that I was just sucked in by some basic "how-to-get-laid" strategy. I think I really hate him. That's a start. Now please try to move from hatred to apathy. Apparently, it still takes just *a tad* jealousy to awake me quite abruptly from whatever level of apathy I might have reached. :( In the last days I wasn't really apathic - but I was not doing/saying anything really stupid to him- and in the last months I have overall "behaved well", so to speak. Just a thought. If he was my age, would I let him get away with some jerkish behavior? Would I still be interested in him at all? I am starting to wonder whether I would find him attractive at all if he was my age. If this makes any sense. It's the "I don't want him, but i don't want him to want or to be with anyone else" attitude. I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's more like I *do* want him, but I'd be able to stay away from him, and I'd *actually* stay away from him if there weren't other girls in the picture. Can you avoid this chatroom for awhile? Lately I've been avoiding it - or at least I've been in it a lot less than I used to. Actually, I'd have to avoid some IRL situations...(which I've also been doing lately). MM and I hang out in the same RL scenario. Try not to subject yourself to this, especially since you already know that he's out searching right in front of you. ...he's not usually doing it so blatantly... even when he was trying to make me jealous on purpose he'd not be so blatant. Just shows what kind of person he is. He knows you go onto that site, and if he cared about you at all, he wouldn't be doing this to you. I guess that's my problem exactly. If he cared about me at all, there are a lot of other things he would not have done in the past. I'm jealous of the fact that he might treat other girls a lot nicer than he would treat me. What is driving me up to a wall with jealousy is the thought that he might fall in love with some other other woman... or anyway really care about her. or get attached to her to some degree. or want to have her as his only other woman. I think i can't stand the thought that while he has been a jerk to me he might really care for some other girl. and always act towards them like he did towards me in the beginning. :( I agree, it's almost like he wants you to see the posts to become jealous. Like they said, ditch him. I am actually starting to wonder whether this was his intention. The chat has private messages...I know for sure he can use them. This girl also probably knows how to use them. And what he said *did* sound a tad forced for the situation. If he was actually trying to make me jealous ( very hypothetically speaking), it would pronbably be because the other day he asked me "It's been a while I haven't got an other girl on the side (meaning other than his W)- do you think it's a bad sign?" and I replied that it actually sounded like a great thing. And I ignored an email from him (a nice but very short e-mail, the first after a month, where he recommended that I read a certain book saying I'd like it) - I actually hadn't checked my email box, but he couldn't know - and he's used to me replying to all of his emails. He IS with someone else -- always -- his wife. Wish he'd just stop cheating on her. As far as flirting with other women, to him there is always room for one more. Right. I guess I'd have to close my eyes really tight not to see this, since it's very in front of my eyes. What kind of person he is? - You know what kind of person he is. You knew from the beginning. Actually, not. And I'm still unsure. There are many degrees to which you can be a jerk. And many different reasons. He is the kind of person that cheats on his wife, lies to her, and only thinks about himself. He doesn't care and the only reason he ever pretends to care is to get in a girls pants. thanks. you have no idea how useful it is to hear this. He doesn't care and the only reason he ever *pretends* to care is to get in a girls pants.[/ I have to keep this in mind. Do you think he must be pretending he cares also with other women? What is actually driving me insane is the thought that he cared a little about me at first, and then he did a U turn (figuratively speaking) for some reason that depended on something I did..... and next other woman, or the next after the next, he will care about, at least a bit, for longer than he did with me. if I really was sure he pretended to care with me, and other girls won't be luckier in this regard, it would make things *so*easier!!!! There are men out there that don't CHEAT and DO care. Here's the clue to find one of them. They are single.So start there and find someone who will truly care about you and be devoted to you. Lately at least I've been searching. Just been quite unlucky. (I did not say in this thread that my short affair with MM is theorically over, and last time I had physical contact with him was some time ago) You are right, though, and I should keep searching. I think you have to put that memory in context. Knowing all that you do, what does it really mean? Sorry to be so blunt, but my guess is not that much. I really hope your guess is right. First kiss with MM - felt as good as a fairy tale kiss, but it was the kind of kiss that iinstead of waking me up from a long sleep, put to sleep my common sense... What I know is that because of that memory I've put up with a lot of not respectful words and behaviour from him. Did I mention that most of the time I think about having sex with MM I get turned off or disgusted? Unless he has said something nice to me that day, or is generally being nice to me, in which case I would end up fantasizing about him. I think I'd just want him to be nice to me. If I slept with him, i guess I'd be basically doing something I don't feel like doing just out of hope to see his "nice, charming and caring"(and probably *fake*) side again. Which is BTW precisely what happened the only time we had sex. (well, not intercourse. oral) (If he started to be affictionate and caring towards me I'd surely be dying to have sex with him - but that's not going to happen.) Or I have considered sleeping with him just to get some time with him and some physical contact with him... ...as bad as sleeping with someone for money, probably.
Jane Doe Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 He's already cheating on his wife with you. You can't seriously think you're the only one he's done that with, can you? You're torturing yourself. Stay out of the chatroom and stay away from him. Until you do, you'll only know misery. There is NO happiness to be found with this guy -- only fear, jealously, sadness, loneliness, and unworthiness.
Island Girl Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 ...he's not usually doing it so blatantly... even when he was trying to make me jealous on purpose he'd not be so blatant. Why shouldn't he be blatant about anything at this point. You accepted he is married and were with him anyway. He has no respect for you and only has a pretense of feeling anything for you while it serves his purpose. Your very real feelings are not a second thought nor will they ever be. To him, you knew what you were getting into (which you did- you just based it on lies of emotion while he was never involved emotionally - he just acted like it) and you made your bed so to speak. Why should he consider your feelings now when he has no respect for you and he has had his fill of you except for the occasional possible encounter you serve no purpose to him now. So there he goes - on to another conquest. Actually, not. And I'm still unsure. There are many degrees to which you can be a jerk. And many different reasons. Degrees and reasons to be a jerk? So there are Jerk Level 1, Jerk Level 2, Jerk Level 3, etc.? NOT. A jerk is a jerk. A cheater is a cheater. This is your first problem. There are no gray areas. No reasons good enough. Unless you realize this you are doomed to be treated badly because you seem to be the first person to see excuses for bad behavior.
KrisMuseumGirl Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 You need to love yourself more. And don't feel bad that you don't because I have trouble sticking to my own advice. But in times when I'm on the top of my game, I truly love myself and won't put up with that kind of head game. If he is flirting with other women either he feels your insecurity or he's just a loser that does not deserve your time, effort affection etc. Although everyone is quick to point out like you've forgotten -which is impossible so I know you really haven't forgotten that he has a wife. But take a different perspective on it. Understand that he's his wife's problem and you're worth lots more. Think about your great traits, think about how good you are to HIM and then wonder why such a great person deserves a jerk like him. You wouldn't let one of your friends put up with this treatment so offer yourself the same loyalty. Tell him he's free to persue whatever he wants as he dosen't deserve a woman like you. Then walk away with your head up and keep yourself busy with being kind to yourself. Spend time with friends and family that love you, do your hobbies and keep your eyes open for a guy that really deserves what you can offer. Hopefully he'll be a little more honest and loyal this time. Best of luck to you kiddo! :-)
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