i am so down on myself, ! (very long)

[justmehere]

hi there, my name is jamie. i am 49 and female. i have been doing house cleaning for over 8 years now on my own with my own company. during that time i have come to love the freedom of being self employed. i have a wonderful dh and my grandson who is 6 years old lives with us. so what can be wrong, right?

 

well i have gotten so use to being self employed and now i have to find some regular work. my body is not handling the cleaning so well anymore and i am really burnt out on it to the point that lately i have been literally sabotaging my jobs by blowing them off and not showing up, or calling and saying i cant make it, etc.

 

i feel like such a heal! i know how wrong and unfair it is tothe other person yet i am so tired of it all that i cant help myself! i am so down on myself so please dont be down on me too. i have been listening to alotof religious tapes lately. does anyone know joyce meyer? i love her! she is so awe inspiring.

 

when i dont go to my jobs i try to think of things she says. i try to have some integrity, some motivation, some goal to get there but i just cant do it anymore.

 

so i need to find another line of work. probably there is i dont know if i can punch a time card after all these years. i am so terrified of even trying! my self esteem is shot, my confidence is gone, my motivation is no where to be found, and i am totally scared to death to even do another job!

 

i have filled out apps. though, painfully so, and hoped no one would call me! my dh makes such good money that luckily i do not need to stress so much for money, it is that i need to work just the same. he knows my predicament but does not know the extent of what i have done!

 

i am so down on myself. calling myself a loser, worthless and probably better of dead then being such a burden to him and causing others such hardship by not showing up to my jobs for them.

 

i have an extraordinary amount of guilt and shame, i dont need anymore. i need some ideas on how to pull out of this, what ever "this" is though i dont even know.

 

i do not feel depressed at all. i just feel like such a dummy for doing what i am doing, repenting and then doing it again! i want to just change my cell number and forget the whole cleaning business but i do still go to some of my jobs, i have to, but i should have to go to them all but i am at a point that idont even care if i dont go....but when i dont go i am so consumed with guilt, so i must care then, right? but not enough to go anyways, not enough to put my distate for it aside and do it anyways like for God.

 

i feel i am such a mess. my grandson has lived with me for almost two years now. he goes to his mama's or daddys on the weekends so that is my own break time. i get frustrated with things towards him but never at him!

 

i love that little guy to pieces! but he is like ADHD, and i so tire of telling himthe same things over and over and over again, to the point that i yell at him, then i hang my head again in shame. are they related? the shame/guilt cycle.?

 

i wish i knew. ifind myself holding him and telling him how much i love him and adore hm. he seems to take it all in stride though, but i breaks my heart to see his little face shatter when i yell at him but only if he would listen and i would not have to constantly tell him what to do!

 

i love him though, i would never ever hurt him and to hurt him in that way devastates my heart as well and i feel the guilt and shame come upon me to the point that i feel i should punch myself in the face for being that way.

 

do i have issues here? ya thinK? i dont know what to do. i ask God all day long what to do what to do what to do. i hear him saying all the time to go back into home making for the elderly, but i so dont want to do that. sadly i dont even know what i want to do! this sucks and life is just too short tos tress over these things and to waste it on shame/guilt but it just bombards me to nothingness. any help? please!

[Green]

Well... sounds like you are sad. If it really is imposible for you to clean houses did you ever think of trying to hire people to go in and clean the houses for you and just give them a cut of the money like one of those cleaning businesses. If you have to just go and get a regular job maybe you could work as a sales person at a furniture store if you like talking. Who knows stop being down on yourself sounds like your religiouse tell people at the church about how you feel human conection should help you feel better about life and pray to god.