almostthere Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 I cannot stand this!! for a year my bf knew that this weekend my cousin is getting married. For the past month I have been reminding him. his exw called knowing we are not taking the kids over night for lately because we are remodeling and have no carpeting. Sunday is our day. but now he is scrambling to find a place for them to spend the night tomorrow night so we can go to the wedding. Why is this our problem? she wants to go to dinner with her bf. We have a wedding we told her about every weekend so far. why at the last minute she cant have them overnight? and know my bf needs to try to find someone to watch them? last i checked he isnt her husband still. why is he risking me going to the wedding alone if he cannot find a sitter because she wants to go out to dinner with her bf? i told him he acts like he is still dedicated to her. this really sucks. why is he doing this? she is still buddy buddy with everyone in his family. why cant she call to make childcare arrangements? this is not our weekend. sunday is but she has known about this wedding forever. why cant he tell her she needs to handle it? i hate this. i am not sure i can stay ina relationship where my bf does favors for his exw.
hotgurl Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 I think you need to take a step back from the relatoinship. I honestly think it would be a mistake to marry him. You are having problems with the ex and intergrating the kids into your family dynamic and it will proabably get worse as your resesntment builds.
a4a Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 I think you need to take a step back from the relatoinship. I honestly think it would be a mistake to marry him. You are having problems with the ex and intergrating the kids into your family dynamic and it will proabably get worse as your resesntment builds. word........ do not get married until he straightens this stuff out. And expect more hell from the EXW if she finds out about your M. She is not done with him, and I don't think he is completely done with her either. Until he puts you first...... just say no to marriage.
Author almostthere Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 So i am not entirely crazy for thinking he is doing way too much for her? How could i be so stupid to allow myself to go through the hell of all the arguing between them only to find out its not going to stop? Then he tells me this weekend that on the first date we had he went over to her house to drop off his kids before i got there. and some other guy was there. then he said it bothered him. I said why would it bother you? we have been dating for 6 months already at that point we just never slept together yet. We consider ourselves a couple from that night (the one i just desrcribed) because that was the first time we were "together". he said it bothered him because she was always crying for him back and then she had another guy over. I think he got jealous. I am not sure but if he was jealous then there is more to the story then what i knew. but that was a year ago so how could i get mad about it now.
Author almostthere Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 And i am not marrying him yet. i want to finish school and i would like to see how this exwife thing pans out over the next year or two. It has leveled off from what it was but i still find some of it unacceptable and i will not deal with this at all. I treat him so respectfully. I treat him better then i have ever treated anyone else or then he has been treated. isnt respect supposed to be reciprocated? (sp). I wonder though at 27 years old isnt this going to be common in all relationships with guys with kids? Nevermind...I have dated guys with kids and never had this problem.
arniebuteft Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 This is why I don't date women with kids... The kids are her responsibility, if it's not his weekend (legally speaking, that is). He should just tell her she's SOL and needs to find a sitter or take the kids along with her. Your BF is doing something nice for the ex, by taking the kids off of her hands... but he's doing it at the expense of your happiness at the moment. IMO, this isn't about the kids (it's not like the ex is gonna abandon them if the BF can't step in), it's about his feelings for the ex - he shouldn't be more concerned about her happiness and doing her a favor, than he is about keeping a committment he made with you.
Author almostthere Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Thats how i feel. I told him it isnt about the kids. They have a place to go if he cant find a sitter...her house. otherwise we will take the kids whenever it really doesnt matter. Labor day weekend she didnt want them back sunday night and when we told her we couldnt keep them over night...again not carpeting (its on back order!) she got really mad and didnt come pick them up. they ended u staying the night anyway. just before we tore the house apaprt for the remodel they stayed all the time. So its not like we are making excuses. the carpeting is now 4 weeks late. which is ok because i hear a discount in my near future. it was hard to find a place for 5 children in a 2 bedroom condo without having a floor to sleep on. We actually had to have his sister run out bunk bed mattresses to us from her house to put on the floor. but his ex just didnt show up and refused to answer the phone until 5 pm the next day! to me thats just rude. i certainly didnt mind having the kids but it was the way she went about it. so why he is doing this i dont know. its not like she didnt know we couldnt have them overnight tomorrow. he told her a million times. so i dont know why this comes as any surprise that we cannot have them. we have a wedding to go to...not a dinner. we are having them overnight next friday. we still have the mattresses. i dont know. i really hate all this...but i really love him
a4a Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 Ya know if you marry him things are not going to change. She will still be there until the kids are out on their own. You got a tough choice to make. Do not let this crap stand in the way of you moving forward with your life and career........ or making your life difficult so you lose yourself and goals. Time to set some rules and boundaries with him. Go to the wedding by yourself and have a damn good time!
Author almostthere Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Thats good advice. I will go to the wedding and have a good time with or without him. After all i am going with my mom and my sis and we are very close. we always have a good time. We rented a room so no one has to drive. I am still going to spend the night and he will just have to get over it. maybe he will learn something.....
a4a Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 Thats good advice. I will go to the wedding and have a good time with or without him. After all i am going with my mom and my sis and we are very close. we always have a good time. We rented a room so no one has to drive. I am still going to spend the night and he will just have to get over it. maybe he will learn something..... ehh just go have a good time, you work hard and you deserve it. Live it up, dance, have a drink or two..... and feel pretty! It is your day to enjoy with the couple getting married!
Touche Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 I'm so sorry Almost..I got your PM but I see I was too late and you're gone now. I wasn't online yesterday. You have every right to feel as you do. It's not right and I put up with the same crap at the beginning. I did get it to change though. I really put my foot down with my husband and told him it had to stop. After awhile I started dealing directly with the ex myself but at the beginning I would just tell him that it's wrong. Can you believe she even called the morning of our wedding for my husband to help her out with her car and he WENT! I seriously considered cancelling our wedding which was just hours away! I told him that it just HAD to stop. He said he was scared that she'd use my stepson as a pawn if he didn't do everything she wanted. She was basically bullying him. I told him to just try to not give in to her anymore and he'll see that she will back down. And that's what he finally did. And no, she never used my stepson as her pawn. I don't know if any of this helps you or not. Just know that you DO have a right to feel as you do. It's not right that he's giving in to her. It's not right that he's putting her wants and needs above yours. You just have to tell him that you are seriously considering walking away from all of this if he doesn't change this dynamic with his ex. And you have to be prepared to do just that. Look, you have nothing to lose at this point. You sound like you're ready to walk anyway, so why not fight for what you want first. You may just be surprised at the outcome. But if he doesn't come through for you, you might as well know that now too. Why waste more time with a man who puts his ex before you? So go for it. Give him an ultimatum. It worked in my case.
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