Be wary of the dumpees' pioson

[The write one]

I've posted before, several times in fact, but never as an advisor. And i'm not really trying to advise with this threat, but i'm just trying to inform you of my situation and to see if anyone else has experianced my pain.

 

Do any of you, who have recently been dumped out of a long term relationship, feel like you a dripping your pathatic juices all over the place? Let me explain...I was dumped in mid August by my fiance and woman of 8 years. Since then i have tried to move and at the same time wish, hope and pray she would return. I'm applying NC, seeing a thearpist, working out at the gym and ultimatly trying to better myself in the meantime.

 

However, I can not function at work. I am doing my job, but i'm not focused at all. And my boss and peers notice. I'm forgetting to do the little things, always looking on LS or googling for "how to get her back," indirectly snapping at my supervisors and getting up to go smoke a jack on several occassions. The scary part of it all is i just started this job shortly after my woman left me and i'm still on my three month probational period. Pioson # 1.

 

A few days after i was dumped, i called one of my old co-workers from my former job looking for, yep, you guest it a f*** buddy. I wasn't just looking for ass though. I also wanted to establish a friend in this city i moved to because of my ex. So I said "hey I'm lonely just got dumped and have nothing to do. How about we get together for a night out or something." A little forward, i know.

 

A little background.You see, i moved to this city about a year ago to be with who I thought was my future wife. In order to re-connect, because we were in a three-year long distance relationship, I gave her all of my time and never made any friends or outlets for myself. Now that it's over, I feel like I better get to know some people out here.

 

So back to the f*** buddy. Yeah, I went in with the intentions of having sex because i believed I needed a self esteem booster and validation after being dumped. Not that i'm making excuses, but i'm dealing with a lot of crazy emotions right now with my break up. So me and the (I'll call her FB) went out one night just to hear some live music and get some dinner. We had a great time, talked about my break up, laughed alot and i flirted a little. you know...planting the seed. Well at the end of the night we hugged. Seed planted--mission accomplished.

 

To make a long story short, we went out a second time after a few late night phone conversations. During the second night out (not a date in my eyes) I told her we are just friends, just kickin it and having a good time. I'm not looking for any type of relationship becasue i'm wounded right now. She said she understood. That night she came up to my place and i had sex with her literally til the sun came up. This happend on two seperate occasions.

 

Now, those were some big ego boosts, because she got her rocks off (a lot) and I lasted longer than i had had in several months back with my ex. My ex used to act uninterested and fustrated when it came to making love to me. Plus, she never got her rocks off and i shot off pretty quick sometimes (about 15 minute)...But that all started when i moved to her city. The point is that my ex made me feel inadiqate and self conscience in the sack. So I just assumed that i was, but the lay with FB made me remember who or should i say how i used to be.

 

So validation confirmed...But once again, I told FB we are just friends, nothing more right..."right," she said. I asked her "please don't develop feeling for me," because it seemed like she was going there. She said she wasn't. So cool, I now have an official, no strings attached, f*** buddy that is also a new friend.

 

Today, however, i get an email from her. It came after i emailed her and told that her that i couldn't get my ex off my mind blah blah blah. I thought i could go there with FB. but the email was like...

 

"What is it you ultimately want from me? The reason I ask is because for one, I just want to be clear ("Kickin' it" is too ambiguous for my neurosis). For two, I know your situation and you're entitled to your grief/anger/frustration/pining/etc. and I want to

make sure I'm not here to be the salve to your wound. I think you're cool beans and I want to be friends but I can't be the rebound jawn (Philly talk). Sorry if I sound like a jerk or compulsive freak but I just don't like being used, even if unintentionally. Just thought I'd ask. At any rate, let me know what's up with tomorrow. See ya."

 

Ohhh sh** I thought after getting this. I have officially lost my FB. I'm not going to lie and say i wasn't looking for one. But I thought she understood we were just fwb. Now I feel terrible, because this is truly a nice woman, but i don't want a relationship with her and i had already decided not to have sex with her anymore befoer her email because I felt i was using her as an emotional crutch and she, meanwhile, is developing feelings for me. I feel so bad about doing this to someone. Here I am trying to be a better man and hating that i was done so wrong and i'm bascally being an emotional parasite. I don't want to hurt anybody or pull them into my drama. Pioson #2.

 

On top all this, even though i'm applying NC, I haven't heard from or gotten a text from my ex in a about a week and that is really messing with my head. And today my boss pulls me to the side and tells me I messing up and I have to pull myself together. Bad news really comes in three's right? Well, I take all of this crap and go to my car and just break down crying for like 30 min.. Pioson #3.

 

When I come back into my job, i tell one of my co-workers, who i feel is a friend (I promise a friend and nothing more) about the situation with FB. The co-worker then tells me that I was wrong to lead FB on. I said I didn't want to and I thought that we had an understanding. But my co worker said if she was in FB's place she would be mad as hell if we did all that and I then emailed her about me not being able to get my ex off my mind. Point taken.

 

But it doesn't stop there, the co-worker then said I probably came across too strong to FB. I agreed and said it's because I'm coming out of an 8 year relationship with a woman and my conversation, personality and presentation toward the opposite sex is mainly based on my past relationship with me ex. I'm used to only having a romantic relationship with a woman and not one that is strictly friendly. Posion #4.

 

My co worker then said she noticed because the other day at lunch i called her "sweetheart" and she thought that was totally "inappropriate." I said "i'm so sorry" to her like a hundred times and that i didn't even realized i did that, but the damage was already done. The whole night she was at home thinking i was trying to get with her or sexually come onto her. Pioson #5.

 

To sum it all up...dumpees be very very careful with your emotions during this trying time. Today, i found out I am doing things I don't even know i'm doing. I am an emotional wreak right now and it is filtering into every single aspect of my life. In essense, I feel like I'm piosoning everything and everyone I touch. Step lightly dumpees...we'll be back to normal someday. Just try not to drip any of the pioson on me.

[joriel]

I am by no means an expert but here goes:

 

1. Unless you plan on being out of a job in a few months, you need to focus on getting your work situation taken care of. If your boss has now pulled you aside to have a one-on-one with you then there are some serious problems and he/she is not the only one noticing. Get it together.

 

2. The idea of a FB is stupid. At some point one or both people are going to develop some sort of feeling beyond having sex. Period. Besides, I've never met a woman who truly thought so little of intercourse that she honestly didn't mind having sex with someone without ANY strings attached. Stop looking for FB's.

 

3. You are obviously new to your work environment. For now, keep your personal life personal. There is little reason that you should have had this conversation with your new "friend" at your new job. Find a hobby or group to join outside of work and make friends there. After your job is more permanent then you can start bringing your home life to work (though I still advise against it).

 

4. Watch your mouth. I know you didn't mean to offend your coworker but at least she told you when it happened. Perhaps there are others that aren't bold enough to tell you about your mouth.

 

You'll be fine. Just get your head in the game and keep trying to get better. I'd call the situation less of a poison and more of a nyquil type drug. It sends you into a drunken haze but when you wake up in the morning you feel a little bit better. Poisons usually cause permanent damage or lead to fatality. We'll get through this...

[Guest]

I have no sympathy for you. Good, decent men do not treat women like this.

 

You treated a so-called friend worse than a prostitute -- at least you would have had to pay the prostitute.

 

I think you need some psychotherapy to figure out why you treat other human beings as though they have no feelings and don't deserve respect.

[The write one]

I respect your opinion of me. But i in no way treated anyone like a prostitude. My dazed and confused mind thought i had an understanding with FB. I thought it would make me feel good, but in turn it made me feel worse. I respect women to the upmost. But like the thread warned, you develop crazy tentancies when you are dumped. That is all. I usually do not act like this at all. I am always on top of my game be it work or anything else. but with all this going on in my life right now, i thought it would be benifitial to others to watch out for these type of actions in their cases of being dumped. May be mine is extreme and hell i do feel a little crazy right now. But i am not a sexist or a womanizer. I do however appreciate your advice and i'm not looking for sympathy. Thank you.

[The write one]

I send a thank you for the first reply to this threat. I needed to hear that.

[Jane Doe]

First of all I'd like to say, you're a great writer! I enjoyed reading your story.

 

Now, on to my opinions of this. I can see where you thought you'd made it clear with your FB that she was just that -- a FB and friend. Initially she may have been okay with that, but somewhere along the road she developed feelings. This happens in 99.99999% of these situations. Women aren't wired to be FBs. They may think they can do it but unless they're just complete sluts, they'll develop feelings along the way.

 

I'd advise you to somehow pull yourself together and concentrate hard on your job. If you think you feel like crap now, just wait 'til you're unemployed. Save the pining and obsessing over the ex until after hours. I think you need to talk to your boss and say something like, "I know I've been distracted and have made a lot of careless mistakes. I've been going through a personal problem but I want you to know that from here on out I'm leaving that at home and will concentrate on my job. I apologize for my poor performance and hope you'll allow me to make it up." And then do it!!

 

Also, be careful what you tell people at work. Personal info has a way of ruining people. Save it for your friends, family, or us here on the board.

[Rooster_DAR]

This same exact thing happened/is happening to me as well. I finally pulled it together at work, but I can certainly understand the tailspin that breaking up puts you in.

 

I have several women who have wanted to date me, and I ususally wind up telling them I don't think it's a good idea right now. I do kinda wish I could have a FB though, but I don't think there are many females that are going to participate in being a rebound.

[SUMMER 1969]

Hello, I don't know if you read my posts at all, but a few weeks ago I just wanted to kill myself. I felt so lost and I pushed everyone away..

 

Let me try to explain something to you, I am a woman and I know that after a break up we all want to be with someone, we want someone to give us complements and to touch us and hold us.. But when you sleep with a woman, we tend to think that you care about us and you respect us..

Even after you tell us you don't want a realtionship. We just think in the back of our minds that you will want a reationship with us..

 

So by you sleeping with your f/b and trying to tell her that you miss your ex and things, you are hurting her feelings and you made her feel worthless..

 

You are not a bad person, just don't get another f/b until you can give her your full attention..

 

As far as your ex.. well, you just need to try and move on.. I am sure you have told your ex how you felt about her and how you don't want to break up.. If she does not want you back, there is nothing you can do about it besides walk away..

 

We are all going through some kind of heart break right now, that is why we are all on this website..

 

I am hurting myself pretty bad, but I am just trying to keep myself busy.. I play on the computer, talk to friends, keep myself busy at work, go out to dinners with friends or family..

 

You can't lose your job right now, that would just make you more upset and would cause a lot more problems for you.. I would talk to your boss and tell him/her that you are sorry you have had a lot of personal things going on and you are going to give 100% attention to your job right now..

 

Keep yourself busy at work.. I am sure you have heard this, but each day will get better..

 

When and if your ex calls, hopefully you will already have moved on and will not want her in your life anymore..

 

You will be okay, and we are all here to help you..Do not give up and just know that some realtionships just don't work out for whatever reason.. And there is nothing we can do about it.. As long as you told your ex how you really felt about her and the reationship, then you know deep in your heart you gave 100% to your reationship at the time and you should not have any regreats.

 

I hope this helps and just know that you are not the only one feeling the way you do.. We are all hurting and I know it sucks, but we are all going to be stonger people and it was a learning experience.

 

Summer

[Rooster_DAR]

SUMMER 1969, it's nice to see you have made progress with your disposition. I believe last time I read your posts you were in quite a state of mind. It's great to see you posting advice, that shows you are getting stronger.

 

Good luck kiddo!

[The write one]

That means "i agree" for all the laymen out there.

 

But thank you all so very much for understanding. It just seemed like i was pioson ivy last week and it was dangerous to be anywhere near me.

 

I've been told by my thearipst that everything in the FB department is perfectly normal for someone in my situation and as long as i told her up front that i wasn't looking for anyhting serious then i was not wrong in my actions.

 

He explained that i have a HUGE viod in my life right now and i'm trying to fill it with every female i encounter (i.e. co-workers) In short, i'm trying to create or mold these women into pieces of my ex. Therefore, I leaning on women around me to each play a role in the play i call, "Ode My Woman"

 

He also said that my pining and wanting to get my ex back is becoming destructive in terms of my job. He keeps telling me that i'm trying to "do something" to either try and get her back or to try and understand why the break up happened. I do these things by visiting websites on how to win her back, playing the no contact game, etc etc. Ultimatley, there is nothing i can do to change her mind and i have to accept that i will probably never have the answers to why she really left.

 

I just have to pick up and move on. And with that, I've decided that i am going to have to stop visiting this site for a while as part of my healing process. Nothing agianst the site...It's really one of the best things that could have happened to me during these hard times. But i am looking for answers and solutions here. Which means I'm looking to control an uncontrolable situation here and that's just not good for my "nuerosis" (LOL) right now.

 

By doing this i'm not really accepting the fact that she is gone and that means i drawing out my recovery phase. I just have to face what has happened. I almost feel like i have used this site. Pioson #6 (just kidding)

 

I will check the site from time to time ( but noe at work) which sucks becasue i don't have a computer at home) Maybe I look here once or twice during the work week, then move to just weekends at the library and then completely cut it out until i'm somewhat normal again. But when i am, i'll let everyone know how goes it in my life and maybe then i could come back as an advisor. (Check out all my post/threads if you can. I have a great story.)

 

So to all, thank you so much for literally just being there. I think i have told you all more things than anyone else about my situation. It's been great and through out all of our drama, remember to keep your heads up...otherwise you're going to miss that beautiful person over there that keeps looking at you from across the room.

[The write one]

That means "i agree" for all the laymen out there.

 

But thank you all so very much for understanding. It just seemed like i was pioson ivy last week and it was dangerous to be anywhere near me.

 

I've been told by my thearipst that everything in the FB department is perfectly normal for someone in my situation and as long as i told her up front that i wasn't looking for anyhting serious then i was not wrong in my actions.

 

He explained that i have a HUGE viod in my life right now and i'm trying to fill it with every female i encounter (i.e. co-workers) In short, i'm trying to create or mold these women into pieces of my ex. Therefore, I leaning on women around me to each play a role in the play i call, "Ode My Woman"

 

He also said that my pining and wanting to get my ex back is becoming destructive in terms of my job. He keeps telling me that i'm trying to "do something" to either try and get her back or to try and understand why the break up happened. I do these things by visiting websites on how to win her back, playing the no contact game, etc etc. Ultimatley, there is nothing i can do to change her mind and i have to accept that i will probably never have the answers to why she really left.

 

I just have to pick up and move on. And with that, I've decided that i am going to have to stop visiting this site for a while as part of my healing process. Nothing agianst the site...It's really one of the best things that could have happened to me during these hard times. But i am looking for answers and solutions here. Which means I'm looking to control an uncontrolable situation here and that's just not good for my "nuerosis" (LOL) right now.

 

By doing this i'm not really accepting the fact that she is gone and that means i drawing out my recovery phase. I just have to face what has happened. I almost feel like i have used this site. Pioson #6 (just kidding)

 

I will check the site from time to time ( but not at work) which sucks becasue i don't have a computer at home) Maybe I'll look on here once or twice during the work week, then move to just weekends at the library and then completely cut it out until i'm somewhat normal again. But when i am, i'll let everyone know how goes it in my life and maybe then i could come back as an advisor. (Check out all my post/threads if you can. I have a great story.)

 

So to all, thank you so much for literally just being there. I think i have told you all more things than anyone else about my situation. It's been great and through out all of our drama, remember to keep your heads up...otherwise you're gonna miss that beautiful person over there that keeps looking at you from across the room.

[The write one]

BTW, Thank you Jane Doe for the compliment. Writing (the write one) is my passion and my bread and butter. I can't tell you exaclty what i do, just in case my ex ever visits this site, but I do dabble in the arts of the pen. I have to ask, did you just read my story on this post or my whole damn situation (all of my threads)? Just wondering becasue you have really made my day by saying that I'm a great writer. We writers are our own worst critics sometimes.

[Jane Doe]

Yes, I've read all your threads. I have a passion for writing too, although it's not my profession. I notice that some of your sentences are two and three words long. I like that, as I think it sometimes makes a strong impact. I'm overly verbose at times and when I write I tend to make good use of my vast vocabulary when what I need to say could be condensed into a mere word or two. I'm working on that.

 

I'm a little confused as to why you need to leave this site as part of your healing process. Wouldn't it behoove you to commiserate with people who are going through similar circumstances? We're not the cause of your angst. I would think you'd find healing here. Just my opinion, though.

 

I wish you the best.

[pricillia]

I have no sympathy for you. Good, decent men do not treat women like this.

 

You treated a so-called friend worse than a prostitute -- at least you would have had to pay the prostitute.

 

I think you need some psychotherapy to figure out why you treat other human beings as though they have no feelings and don't deserve respect.

 

I don't know I am not getting the feeling he needs phycotherapy here.

Yes it is wrong for men to use women and for women to use men, he is hurting here as well and most men look for that sexual healing. If you read his post the girlfriend was not there for him either...

 

Is it me or are there certian GUESTS here who are looking for posts where the men did the woman wrong and she is just giving him a piece of her mind...

[The write one]

I'm not blaming this site for any of my problems. This site is a tremendous help to me. However, i'm becoming obsessed and distracted with it. I am also looking for ideas on here on how to get my ex back, which is really an uncontrolable situation. I think the problem is that because my laptop is busted, i have no PC at home. Therefore, instead of staying up late at home to obsess over this site, i do it at work. That aint good.

[Rooster_DAR]

I'm not blaming this site for any of my problems. This site is a tremendous help to me. However, i'm becoming obsessed and distracted with it. I am also looking for ideas on here on how to get my ex back, which is really an uncontrolable situation. I think the problem is that because my laptop is busted, i have no PC at home. Therefore, instead of staying up late at home to obsess over this site, i do it at work. That aint good.

 

 

Your looking for validation, and a place you can find something/someone who can relate to your situation. It's understandable, I feel compelled to spend a lot of time on this site too it's helped me tremendously

 

good luck

[RecordProducer]

Yes, it's very difficult to get your sh*t together after being dumped. It takes time, patience, and new love to cure you from the old pain. The worst thing is to keep your mind idle.

[Rooster_DAR]

Yes, it's very difficult to get your sh*t together after being dumped. It takes time, patience, and new love to cure you from the old pain. The worst thing is to keep your mind idle.

 

I cancelled my cable service cause I got tired of seeing all the programming my ex and I watched.

 

Ugggghhhh!

[Josalina]

aw rooster really?

u poor thing, i haven't spoke to u in a bit, how r u getting on?

[Rooster_DAR]

aw rooster really?

u poor thing, i haven't spoke to u in a bit, how r u getting on?

 

I know your being nice Josalina, but please don't feel sorry for me:laugh:. I am moving on with myself and chalking up the learning experience.

 

How have you been?