Author Aquarius Guy Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Dear Unknowing OW, Oppositional attitude is a part of many forms of mental difficulites. Blaming others seems to be a component also. Finding fault with others, in an attempt to escape responsibility for their own faults. Also to avoid any logic indicating that they might succeed if they tried. Your brother may have a certain outlook on life, which leads to the conclusion that there is no point for him to try. If you will not agree with his outlook, he will have to find a way to disqualify your opinions. My guess.
Ross_K Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 Why don't you ask your parents for help. Say mom dad I would really like to be independent and live on my own but I just don't know how to do it. Could you please help. I've tried to but I just can't get anywhere. My mother is a cold person who just likes to shout instead of talk.
Ross_K Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 I wasn't when I was 18.. and I didn't know how to take care of myself when I left home at 18 either.. These are things that we have to learn by going out on our own... You cannot learn to be on your own and learn to be independant and take of yourself if someone else is doing this for you..it is all part of growing up and outgrowing the need to be taken care of by our parents.. I can't exactly see this as resulting in me learning, Just resulting in me being on the streets with social anxiety not knowing what the **** to do trying to find a way of killing myself which wont be too uncomfortable.
bluechocolate Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 Ross, maybe you should start your own thread? Then again, maybe the OP doesn't mind the hi-jack. As you were.
UnknowingOW Posted September 29, 2006 Posted September 29, 2006 AG, do you think he'll have answers? Is it so bad at home you want to leave your marriage over this? I ask because I noticed in many of your points "leaving." Also, we've tried these type of tactics with him and they failed...and failed badly.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Dear Ross K, It sounds like you are willing to dialogue. Your posts are not far off-topic. My son has worked as a waiter and bar tender, and has some social skills. Is there any job that you could start to gain some social skills? Is your mother willing to pay for any courses? Are you aware that there are some free social skill inventories available, and some free courses offered in the UK?
Author Aquarius Guy Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Dear Unknowing OW, My tactics may fail, but I feel that establishing fundamental questions for the scenario, is a first step. My wife is protecting my son, and she is part of his problem. As others have pointed out, my son is being damaged by kindness. I feel my power rests on my ability and willingness to leave. What happens after I leave, may not be clear to me. But Tough Love is the application of personal will. My wife is in denial about several key aspects of my son's problems. Would you care to share how similar tactics failed with your brother? It sounds like your brother has some serious problems. I don't claim to have all the answers for your brother. If your brother will not seek counseling or evaluation, you might seek evaluation for him. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist yourself. Let your Brother know you have seen Dr. X, and he feels you might do well on Perscription Y, but Dr. X would need to do some further personal evaluation to be sure. Granted, your brother would probably not go to Dr. X. You might work with other mental health experts to get a more definitive evaluation of your brother, for your own satisfaction. I have some books of counseling questions. I try to ask questions to be constructive. I have also studied NLP, to some extent.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 Dear Ross K, I tried to edit my last post to your, but my time had expired. So I copied the edits: My son has worked as a waiter and bar tender, and has some social skills. I have also paid for my son to take a Dale Carnegie Course. Is there any job that you could start to gain some social skills? Any volunteer activities? Actor training or community theatre?
LittleLady Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 This is what happens when you baby your children. He's a man for christ sake! He's not a fragile little doll! When you raise a child that way for 30 years, I really don't know how much hope there is! And I know this because i know someone who is in their forties and still living at home. Not much to talk about there./ And you know a lot of mothers do it as well. They spoil their children rotten and give them everything they want, baby them etc and then COMPLAIN and threaten to kick him out when it is convenient for you! Well, you created the monster! TIME TO START SOME REPROGRAMMING OR LIVE WITH IT! TO think that you actually never were the man of the house and let all the child-rearing to the wife! I'm sorry, but it seems like you were quiet for a long time in this marriage and now are suffering the consequences because of this. THat's what comes when you avoid conflict: more problems down the line. I just hope this sets an example for all the disgusting gluttonous parents out there! TAKE CARE!
LittleLady Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Maybe he wouldn't be able to cope on his own? Maybe he has social anxiety and that's why he's still living with his parents, hasn't anyone thought of that? I know if I got kicked out I'd probably end up commiting suicide because there's no way I'd be able to cope. What you could do is to tell him to start paying rent and help out around the house. It's what I do. This is the parents' fault. If they let him fend for himself at a much younger age, it would have done him well. Facing your anxiety and fear over and over again eventually dies down the SAD. If you continue to shelter your child from the world for 30-40 years.... yeah, I think it will be quite a shock for this guy when he has to venture out on his own! QUITE A PREDICAMENT! THE OLDER YOU GET, THE HARDER TO ADAPT!!! THATS WHY PARENTS NEED TO TAKE ACTION BEFORE IT GETS TO THIS POINT! Medication is out there- might as well use it if the problem is that bad.
Craig Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Aquarius Guy how in the world could you do something like this to your son? Do you hate him that much that you would not force him to do something responsible with his life (and make $600/month car and insurance payments for him?) With parents like you he doesn't need enemies. There is probably hope here but you and possibly your wife are going to need some professional help. I'd suggest a psychologist and a good one at that. Your ideas haven't worked so far so what makes your 'plan' any different than before? Listen, you have to get honest with yourself here, whatever you have been doing hasn't worked based on results so you need an outside third party with some credentials to help you get things on track. If you don't get honest with yourself and do the right thing you are going to be back here in 10 years talking about your 40 year old son that refuses to get a job and lives in your basement. I believe this can have a happy ending but not if you do it alone.
justagirliegirl Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Maybe all of you should get professional help so the adult kid can learn how to be on his own and you and your wife learn how to let go and let this kid grow up! Have you told your wife that your son is being damaged by you two's coddling? I think you need to tell her this bluntly. Remind her what her job is as a parent. I hope other parents read this and realize that giving too much to children is damaging probably far more damaging than doing without.
Ross_K Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Dear Ross K, I tried to edit my last post to your, but my time had expired. So I copied the edits: My son has worked as a waiter and bar tender, and has some social skills. I have also paid for my son to take a Dale Carnegie Course. Is there any job that you could start to gain some social skills? Any volunteer activities? Actor training or community theatre? Not at the moment because of social anxiety, I think I may suffer from depression as well. I am trying to work on it by taking medication and I'm on a waiting list to see a psychologist. I can still pay my mum rent because I get money for being sick. So getting a job wouldn't really make any difference as far as the threat to getting chucked out would be. Anyway, sorry, I didn't mean to highjack the thread.
noclobber Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 I get money for being sick. Ross what do you mean by this sentence?
alphamale Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Ross what do you mean by this sentence? governmental assistance or disablility payments.
noclobber Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 governmental assistance or disablility payments. Alpha are you sure the government will provide assistance to a person that has Social Anxiety? Ross does not have a physical disability or serious disease that prevents him from getting a job.
alphamale Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Alpha are you sure the government will provide assistance to a person that has Social Anxiety? things are much different in the united kingdom...
Author Aquarius Guy Posted September 30, 2006 Author Posted September 30, 2006 Dear Ross K, Social Anxiety means that you can talk to one person at a time, and yo are ok. But if ther are two or more people, you experience severe anxiety? Have you phoned around to see what organizations have strategies of apporaching social phobia problems? Have you studied how social interation works? What theories have you studied? Which Theories do you like? Richard Bandler describes a difficult client he had with Social Anxiety. 1987 Viodeo lectures from Boulder Colorado.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted September 30, 2006 Author Posted September 30, 2006 Dear Craig, My wife has been successful in manipulating me, and in undercutting my authority with my son. There have been achievements. Just now, things seem to be slipping with my 30 YO Son. My wife is opposed to counseling and is in denial about any problems, except as to figure out how any problm that might exist, is all my fault. Perhaps I am somewhat mean spirited, and really don't deserve a loving family. I feel need to get more of my stuff out of the house, and exude the posture of the option for convenient, self-imposed separation. I need to increase my personal productivit,and handle my personal tendency toward procrastination, and get further ahead on the curve.
Ross_K Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Alpha are you sure the government will provide assistance to a person that has Social Anxiety? Ross does not have a physical disability or serious disease that prevents him from getting a job. Your right I dont. I have a mental illness that prevents me from working.
Ross_K Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 things are much different in the united kingdom... I'm sure it's the same in America too. On the social anxiety board I'm sure I've seen some people who are from the US on disability allowence because of having SA.
Ross_K Posted September 30, 2006 Posted September 30, 2006 Dear Ross K, Social Anxiety means that you can talk to one person at a time, and yo are ok. But if ther are two or more people, you experience severe anxiety? Have you phoned around to see what organizations have strategies of apporaching social phobia problems? Have you studied how social interation works? What theories have you studied? Which Theories do you like? Richard Bandler describes a difficult client he had with Social Anxiety. 1987 Viodeo lectures from Boulder Colorado. SA means being extreamley uncomfortable, anxious and shy, in certain social situations, sometimes the anticipation anxiety like the night before having to do something which will bring you into an anxiety producing situation can actually feel worse. I don't know why people think that social anxiety wont effect you if you're with just one person. But it does, it's still very much a social situation.
Author Aquarius Guy Posted September 30, 2006 Author Posted September 30, 2006 Dear Ross K, One thing that Richard Bandler recommended for his client with social anxiety, was to read up on theories of social interaction. Can you describe various theories of social interaction? What is the point of your anxiety? Have you researched communication courses? What books on communication have you studied? Where are the difficulties for you?
Ross_K Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 Can you describe various theories of social interaction? I don't really know what you mean by that. What is the point of your anxiety? I don't know. Have you researched communication courses? No. But I don't really see what the point is. If I'm not anxious I can communicate perfectly. What books on communication have you studied? Where are the difficulties for you? I haven't studied any.
Craig Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 Dear Craig, My wife has been successful in manipulating me, and in undercutting my authority with my son. There have been achievements. Just now, things seem to be slipping with my 30 YO Son. My wife is opposed to counseling and is in denial about any problems, except as to figure out how any problem that might exist, is all my fault. Perhaps I am somewhat mean spirited, and really don't deserve a loving family. I feel need to get more of my stuff out of the house, and exude the posture of the option for convenient, self-imposed separation. I need to increase my personal productivit,and handle my personal tendency toward procrastination, and get further ahead on the curve. You read too much and I mean that in the literal sense. You come across as a guy that spends a lot of time in his head and not enough time in reality. Sorry to come across so harsh but it isn't like you are 30 years old anymore and have a few years to get yourself together before retiriing. I don't know enough about your situation to say what I'm about to say with any certainty but a guess is that your wife is dominant in the marriage, weak but dominant. You, I'd guess are strong (in some ways) but submissive. That is a terrible place for a child to grow up but what's done is done. Now you have to start to do something for your own sake and sanity as well as your son's and yes your wife's. You have to get yourself into individual counseling with a psychologist that seems to understand your problems and causes you to think and be a little or a lot uncomfortable with your current state of being. Again, if I read you correctly you are not going to do anything that gets you more than a tiny bit out of your comfort zone and nothing much at all will change. You will get older, your wife will still not be your partner and your son will continue to be a source of disappointment and reminder of how you failed as a parent, a husband and a human being. In the end you will die alone bound up in the emotional chains that bind, never having realized that you always held the key to that which you desire in your hands. Or maybe not. But if you keep doing the same things you are smart enough to know what to expect. Please get out of your head and get into action. Planning is a good thing but action is the only thing that will make a difference.
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